To refuse to ever eat in my mum's company again

[Botanic]

Regardless of the impact on family dynamics.

I’m nearing 40, with 5 kids, and I’m on the upper end of the healthy weight for my height. Probably a large size 12, but I am 5ft 9. I’m also fit, I can cycle miles of hilly ground with the youngest two on the bike. I can run, jog and swim to a decent degree and I do yoga daily. I am strong with some bulky muscle, I can push a double buggy up a step hill when others can’t move it.

My mum has always been commenting on my weight, I used to be really thin. Up to my 3rd I was a size 6-8. I wasn’t massively happy though and stressed at work. I was unfit with very poor eating choices.

The bigger I have got the more my mum ramps up comments and comparisons. She’ll tell random shop assistant apologetically in changing rooms I’ll lose some weight when I stop breastfeeding for example.

It’s really giving me the rage. I have told her I’m not actively dieting or trying to lose weight. I have been really clear. I’ve told her my concern is I’m fit and healthy and eating a good diet (relevant as I used to eat so badly to keep thin- 7.5 st at my height at one point).

Dad wants to meet in cafes, and the kids love the treat. She literally counts mouthfuls and tells people, for example counting the number of strawberries my dad ate when everyone else had said they didn’t want them (ended up chucking a load he would have eaten as he was annoyed). Typical exchange yesterday in a cafe:
Dad: come and see what cake you want
Mum: what to you want?
Me: open my mouth to answer...
Mum: cuts across me with- or nothing? Try to get slim?
(I walked out and went for a walk while others ate as I’m so fed up of this on repeat. It was awkward but it’s hard to choke down mouthfuls while she shares the number on the scales that morning and lists everyone’s food choices)

She also comments on small portions and tries to give me more, then later comments.

I try to ignore her but it’s incessant. She’ll also do things like try to give me items of clothing a bit to small and go on and on about it. Even to the neighbours! She’ll know they are a bit small as she’s a few inches smaller across the bust (she’s 5’2, we probably have a similar bmi). She actually eats more than me in terms of cake and meal volume. She was heavier but recent medication means her weight has gone down a bit.

Most our meets though involve feeding kids, I’m still thinking of a text along the lines of:

‘I no longer wish to meet up around food because despite being asked you do not stop commenting about weight. It is upsetting but I also feel as the girls grow older I don’t want them to associate eating with constant comments about weight. I know this makes meeting for longer periods difficult’

She’ll have a real drama over it, deny she says it etc. But I will literally start screaming at her in the street if it carries on.

Aibu unreasonable, is there a better way to handle this? I’ve got my ‘I don’t care if I don’t see you’ head on...

She probably isn't trying to hurt you, perhaps she is simply very anxious about food / health / weight and all that anxiety is leaking out of her, she's trying to be in control of it by making these comments and trying to control what other people eat. She seems to be hypervigiliant and focused on food and eating, and you aren't the only one affected / targeted, sounds like it's your dad too or possibly everyone she meets and soon it will be your children. This focus and need to control the subject of anxiety can be quite self perpetuating and she may not have much insight or be receptive to criticism of any kind. So that's why I would suggest a gentle approach focusing on your feelings and your needs rather than "attacking" her, even though her behaviour isn't acceptable. "Mum, I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings but I don't want to have mealtimes with you any more. When you comment on what I am eating, it makes me feel really stressed and unhappy, and for me it's spoiling the time we spend together. I would really enjoy spending some time together without any food being involved, so that I can just relax and not have to worry about any comments on what I my be eating."

If you are 72kg at 5’9, and your mum is really 9st 11 at 5’2 (and you weren’t just saying that as an example), then her BMI is higher than yours just in case you want to point that out!

How can any mother treat their daughter like this??

You are not overweight. Given your height you were probably underweight if you were a 6/8. None of anyone"s business what you weigh. But with 5 children how do you find tine for all that activity?

It is amazing how many older women have these judgemental attitudes to food. I have struggled with my weight for many years and peaked at a size 26, not helped by my mother's attitude to weight while feeding me large amounts of unhealthy food when younger. ILs also have deranged ideas re food, weight and health.
It has taken me many years of angst to achieve any type of balance.
I wonder if it is a thing with a particular age group?

I'm 5'2 and also a large 12. After 3 kids I am pleased with this, you should be too.

Does she think this is 'girl talk' or something?

I would organise the next food visit with DH too and get DH to say something. I find if I say something to correct my mum she gets a bit het up and argumentative. She wouldn't have the same reaction to DH as the relationship is different and it would be awkward. So I would wait for a comment and then get him to pull a very shocked/cross face and say 'gosh please don't say that. it can't be good for our girls to hear comments like that, what with rates of eating disorders in young ones these days. Especially when @Botanic is a a healthy weight and eats healthily. Our girls should know it's healthy to have to odd bit of cake!' Then sit there with bit smiles as I eat cake.

Do you have someone who could play that role? If she continues that visit or next I would say politely but sternly 'actually mum I agree with X. Please stop saying this sort of thing to me, especially in front of my children. It's becoming an issue.'

If she continues I would then I would just avoid her as much as possible, she'd get the hint! Or get drunk at the next family event and scream at her to shut the fuck up.

Maybe that's it kummer, if the 'older' women are in their 60s, they're the generation that were post rationing and were there for the introduction of mass labour saving devices, supermarkets, car ownership and processed food so they gained weight due to moving less and consuming more calories than their mothers who would have been slimmer on average due to more manual housework, daily shopping etc etc.

And then if you gained weight then, you went to weight watchers and got told to eat nothing but cottage cheese and celery.

I wouldn't text, I would just say if she tries to arrange another meet up with food I would say it would have be at my house or not at all and she needs to not comment on food you eat or amounts as you think your children will eventually pick up on it.

nzeire I think it's brave and self-aware that you admit what you are like and that you don't want to be that way. I'm sure if you don't want to be like your own mum, you won't be. But I did notice you mentioned that your daughter is a healthy weight at the moment - what do you think you'd be like if she did gain weight? Are you aware that it would still not be ok to bully her and put her down about the way she looks?

There are worse things than being fat. It makes me so sad that there is this whole generation of women who apparently value their daughters' slimness over their personalities.

When I was pregnant with DC1 my anorexic MIL telephoned me and told me that I was putting on too much weight. I told her sharply that it was none of her business and that the only opinions I was interested in were those of my doctor and my DH. That seemed to shut her up. However, I then got a phone call from her sister in Belgium, who could only speak French and whom I hadn't seen for several years. I couldn't understand much of what she was saying but I kept hearing 'sel' (salt). I asked my DH to translate and she was telling me that I needed to cut out salt from my diet in order to keep my weight down (I was pregnant, remember). So MIL had phoned her sister and complained about my weight to her!!!

I was livid. I telephoned MIL and told her that if she or any of her relatives or friends commented to me again about my weight then she would not be seeing me or my DC ever again. End of conversation. I never heard any more comment from any of them again about my weight. Job done.

You sound amazing, OP. Fit and healthy and managing 5 DC - not easy. Cut your mother out of your life for a few weeks (explain to her why) and go and enjoy your wonderful life.

I would actually call her out when she does it. Every time. She sounds like a narcissist to me. Your kids do not need to be exposed to that.

She sounds awful op.
I would cut down contact with her.

Send the text

I would also stop seeing her

She is used to abusing you and your dad and she will also abuse your children.

I divorced my parents because of my mums emotional and mental abuse.
Unfortunately my parents taught my children to abuse me and I haven't seen my daughters for the past 8 years.

Abusers like your mum will never change or listen to anyone because they are caught up with anger.

Domestic abuse is mental and emotional distress caused by a member of your family.

She has been obviously continually displaying a coercive control over you and your dad's freedom to eat and maintain a healthy lifestyle and body weight.

She will do the same crime and abuse of your children if you allow contact.

You are protected from this type of domestic abuse by family members under the section 76 of the serious crimes act 2015.

Its easier to stop contact with the abusers.

Does your dad realise that he is a victim of domestic abuse by your mum?
I would suggest that he leaves her and starts a life free of domestic abuse

I don't think the text is enough actually, if she's as bad as you say, she'll have no trouble ignoring it.

This is about control. Pure and simple. Your mum wants to keep controlling you even though you are an adult with your own life and family. She needs a time-consuming hobby - golf or tennis or take up a cause? I know that this sounds flippant, but don't let her call the shots any more. Stand up for yourself and tell her that her comments are unkind and unnecessary and that you will make your own choices without her 'help'.

My grandmother used to make comments about food and what everyone was eating. My mother had real issues about it. One day my mother called her and said that if she id not stop, she would no longer see us, her grand children. she set her boundaries and stuck to. set your boundaries and stick to it.

My MIL has wrecked lives with such comments. One daughter bulimic all her life and infertile. The other (the one she didn’t pick on as much) constantly commenting and judging just like her. Two grandchildren, one very much overweight and depressed, one anorexic. If you ask her how someone is, she’ll tell you their size or weight first. She once told me that she’d taken in photos of me to work and everyone had sat around at lunchtime and discussed my weight. She then wonders why I will not visit.

Please keep your children away from her. I had a boy. One of my first thoughts was she doesn’t pick on the boys as much. I told the doctor and nutritionist that I was worried about her when my son started to wean and they both said keep her away. She hasn’t seen him since.

Even if it were away from food she would talk about it, size people up. DH was underweight when I met him. He became healthy and then a little overweight when he left her home. She started commenting on his size every time she saw him and said I was feeding him to much as if he were a pet.

It’s not right. Protect your family and yourself.

That should read two granddaughters...

My son is very healthy as we have kept away

Send the message, my dad callls me out on my weight all the time it annoys me because l am actively on ww and do the gym, less so now as l do c25k.

Then he will tell me the my son is getting plump then buy her a share size bag of wispa’s not limit him to a few then say well it’s a treat. He also lets my dd 3 eat a huge bag of jelly’s.

He doesn’t babysit them anymore which upsets my mum sadly.

There is nothing as bad as "fat shaming", particularly from a family member, and I feel so sorry for the OP because I have been through it and it really hurts.
For twenty years, I was fit and healthy, doing a variety of sports. I was 5' 11" tall and 70 kg (11 stones). Then I became ill and my weight climbed to 110 kg and after four years where I could barely function I was diagnosed with sleep apnoea.
However, even though my family was well aware of this, my dad and sister (who is 5' 1" and 16 stones) would not stop making nasty comments about my weight. A couple of people on my wife's side have also now started doing it, even though I have managed to lose a bit and now weigh 95 kg.
They say you can choose your friends but not your family - how very true that is.

Please do say something to your mum, I have asked my mum to stop saying things about being good and naughty treats around the children as she messed me up so much. She took me to a weight loss group age 8 when I had puppy fat. Throughout my life since she has fat shamed me and I am now obese, I was not a fat teenager and I have now started to try and eat normally. I am broken hearted for my younger self and can't believe the adults in my life went along with her.

She sounds vile. Get her away from your daughters.

Also (short) people dont understand sizing. My mum, who is 5'2, thinks a size 12 is fat. I'm 5'10 and very healthy at size 12

What an absolutle horrible disgusting woman who really needs someone to give her a piece of their mind. Can't stand pig-ignorant people like her who just do not give a damn about other peoples feelings. I've met a few people like her and they really make me cringe as they just do not realise how horrible a person they really are. Why doesn't some one just tell her to keep her big mouth shup and mind her owm business. EASY-PEASY just shut her down preferably in public to let her know just what it is like to be humiliated in front of people and if she takes the huff then you are better off than having someone so obnixious in your life.

Oh OP she sounds awful. Absolutely do what you need to do for your mental health and your right-, your children cannot be listening to that

She took me to a weight loss group at age 8 I hope the 'leader' told her to take you straight home. That is unbelievably bad Ginburee I'm glad you're over her now. Do you still talk to her?