To refuse to ever eat in my mum's company again

[Botanic]

Regardless of the impact on family dynamics.

I’m nearing 40, with 5 kids, and I’m on the upper end of the healthy weight for my height. Probably a large size 12, but I am 5ft 9. I’m also fit, I can cycle miles of hilly ground with the youngest two on the bike. I can run, jog and swim to a decent degree and I do yoga daily. I am strong with some bulky muscle, I can push a double buggy up a step hill when others can’t move it.

My mum has always been commenting on my weight, I used to be really thin. Up to my 3rd I was a size 6-8. I wasn’t massively happy though and stressed at work. I was unfit with very poor eating choices.

The bigger I have got the more my mum ramps up comments and comparisons. She’ll tell random shop assistant apologetically in changing rooms I’ll lose some weight when I stop breastfeeding for example.

It’s really giving me the rage. I have told her I’m not actively dieting or trying to lose weight. I have been really clear. I’ve told her my concern is I’m fit and healthy and eating a good diet (relevant as I used to eat so badly to keep thin- 7.5 st at my height at one point).

Dad wants to meet in cafes, and the kids love the treat. She literally counts mouthfuls and tells people, for example counting the number of strawberries my dad ate when everyone else had said they didn’t want them (ended up chucking a load he would have eaten as he was annoyed). Typical exchange yesterday in a cafe:
Dad: come and see what cake you want
Mum: what to you want?
Me: open my mouth to answer...
Mum: cuts across me with- or nothing? Try to get slim?
(I walked out and went for a walk while others ate as I’m so fed up of this on repeat. It was awkward but it’s hard to choke down mouthfuls while she shares the number on the scales that morning and lists everyone’s food choices)

She also comments on small portions and tries to give me more, then later comments.

I try to ignore her but it’s incessant. She’ll also do things like try to give me items of clothing a bit to small and go on and on about it. Even to the neighbours! She’ll know they are a bit small as she’s a few inches smaller across the bust (she’s 5’2, we probably have a similar bmi). She actually eats more than me in terms of cake and meal volume. She was heavier but recent medication means her weight has gone down a bit.

Most our meets though involve feeding kids, I’m still thinking of a text along the lines of:

‘I no longer wish to meet up around food because despite being asked you do not stop commenting about weight. It is upsetting but I also feel as the girls grow older I don’t want them to associate eating with constant comments about weight. I know this makes meeting for longer periods difficult’

She’ll have a real drama over it, deny she says it etc. But I will literally start screaming at her in the street if it carries on.

Aibu unreasonable, is there a better way to handle this? I’ve got my ‘I don’t care if I don’t see you’ head on...

Sorry typing and deleting too fast mid rant.

She never responded but that was the last of my weight being mentioned. I don't think it wasn't mentioned incase I became sick but more about what would people think if I became sick because her main problem with my weight was what would people think of her having a fat daughter. A fat son is ok btw but not daughter.

Interested to read the advice on this thread and cross on your behalf. you are right to be annoyed about this and it can affect your children, although I think you are taking the right approach.
My DM was obsessed with overfeeding everyone, constantly trying to crowbar food into people and taking every no as a total rejection and that was really really annoying.
In contrast, My MIL is exact opposite, constantly commenting on food intake. Watching your plate as you eat etc.

The idea being that I didn't know how to feed them properly. I was just gearing up to squash the commentary, when SIL went completely mad and asked her if she was trying to give her DC's eating disorders. This kept her quiet for a long time.
I don't think people who do this will ever change. The only thing is to squash the comments each and every time. She constantly complains to me about DH's weight. I've said I don't want to discuss it. I've had to keep repeating that he is x years old and she should say this directly to him. Still does it.
She recently asked middle DC who does almost 10 hours of intense sport a week - if they were on a diet ie, she thought they needed it. They laughed it off "I'm certainly glad I came to visit today Grandmama!" but I could tell it bothered them. Its infuriating.

No suggestion for dealing with your DM, but I just wanted to drop in with a little round of applause for your great attitude to food and health! Your DDs have a fab example to follow :)

Your mother is a nasty bitch. I think with her toxic attitude I would limit contact with the kids all together.

Invite your dad out to food the next time, deliberately make a point to state your mum isn’t invited and explain that until she works through her issues with food and boundaries she is not welcome around the kids as it’s going to affect their mental health.

Its not just about stopping meeting up for food, the mother comments about OPs weight to changing room assistants, WTF. My friends daughter ended up in hospital with an eating disorder, such an awful worrying time for the family.

You have lots of good advice OP, so I won't repeat anything that has already been said. I do sympathise with you, I know it isn't the same but I work with a woman like this (5 days a week for 7 years I've put up with it!) and it really is exhausting.

I just wanted to say that I admire your attitude and particularly this My body has done brilliant pregnancies, is healthy and strong. It could be prettier, but I love it because of what it can do and had done.

I also couldn't disagree more with the poster who suggests she is trying to "help you". OP doesn't need help, see above, she is happy with her body.

Jesus, you so don’t sound overweight at that height and weight. Your mother is cruel, ditch her.

Is she aware she is doing it?

I know you say you tell her to shut up/move away/go out from the cafe but does she just mentally process that as "DD being touchy"?

I think you do need to put it in writing.

"DM, I have asked you repeatedly to stop commenting on food choices, weight or body image. It seems you cannot help it, as you have not stopped no matter how upsetting I tell you it is. We will need to stop meeting up around any food or meal times as I cannot have my DDs thinking this is normal."

5ft 9 and a size 12 sounds bliss you definitely don't need to be losing weight and with all your activity sounds like you are pretty healthy. I just wouldn't go over as much xx

Have you sent it yet? I would definitely send your original message, or something like it. Get it down in writing ASAP and start the process. Good luck!

Crikey. With a mother like that, it's no wonder you had food issues. 7.5 stone at 5'9?! . I would tell her to fuck off or say you realise she's trying to help but you don't need it, and you're happy the way you are.

Coercive, yes, drip drip drip, fat fat fat. Please excuse my swearing, it's only missing a few rude words for her calling you a fat bitch in public, in front of your own family, in front of strangers, in a bloody changing room, could you be more vulnerable getting undressed in a shop and your own mother is calling you overweight to shop assistants, embarrassed of your body? Thats breathtaking. ts cruel, so cruel. I am the same height and weight, post baby, 3 stone heavier than I used to be. I'm trying v hard to be all body positive and I remain fit and healthy. But if anyone put me down as often and as publicly as that I would be struggling. You can say no, no thank you. It might not make any differrence having it out with her, especially if she goes all baffled and bewildered but I'm just trying to be encouraging...no mum, you're calling me fat, when I'm stood in my bra and pants in a fucking changing room. That's nasty. Bullying cast as fake health concern. No, that's not ok and no amount if her own issues make it ok. Shes a grown woman slagging off her own child. If your kids hear she's doing it to them too. And then they might start saying it too. You see it on here when husbands bully wives like this and the kids join in. You sound very resilient in the face of a really mean woman, who should be told, by all of you, to shut up and fuck off. It's verbal abuse.

Jesus Christ OP I wouldn't stop at not eating around her ever again I'd just stop seeing her. What a fucking cowbag,

5'7' size 12 here and I'm very slim at that. Just tell her to fuck off.

My mother is exactly the same. I hate eating around her and feel so self conscious. I lost a shed load of weight last year due to stress if my dad passing away - I looked awful but she said I never looked better. A year on it’s gone back on and the comments have started again. Drives me mad. My mother is anorexic and weighs 6 stone 3 though she is proud of her weight. No matter how low my weight goes I always look fat next to her.

A great pity that her inability to zip it will affect happy family times with your children , your father and yourself .
She needs to be made to see how destructive this affectation of hers can be in future.
It probably seems to you for the best that you avoid meetings that include eating out but as there are bound to be family meet ups and celebrations it's her attitude that has to change.

Can your father be the one to grasp the nettle and tell her straight that she's in danger of losing good will and respect by her awful attitude .
A friend of my MIL couldn't button her lip on weight issues - so after a few times I asked her if she was a Weightwatcher . She was skinny as a rake and looks at me in amazement asking why I'd said it - "because you're always watching everyone's weight " . She got the hint .

My mums exactly the same, horrid toxic bullshit. She literally can’t help herself from making comments.

I’m currently in therapy for an eating disorder and I just told her straight up and for the final time that I didn’t want to hear her shit and that it was dangerous to my chances of recovery. Now she just talks about her own body and weight and food constantly instead.

I can cycle miles of hilly ground with the youngest two on the bike

Respect. Can't you just bench press the bitch until she promises to cease and desist?

I’m so sorry to hear this OP, my Mum is literally exactly the same; “oh, that’s brave of you, I wouldn’t wear something like that”, “oh, I can give you the clothes that don’t fit me any more as you are so big now” , “I know you like cake, I’ll do you a big slice” - followed by “so-and-so goes to weight watchers now, have you thought of giving them a try?” etc. Since I was in my teens. Then, if you pull her up on it “we’ll, you know I didn’t mean it like that” 😳

Can I just say that you don't have to be slim and fit to deserve loving and compassionate treatment from your own family? The number of women on this thread alone who have given their height and weight as evidence that they're not fat and therefore their mothers' toxic comments are completely unjustified, has made me feel very sad. It's as if we're saying that it would be OK for the OP's mum to constantly put her down and try to make her feel shit about her body if she was carrying some extra weight. It isn't. Not even under the guise of "concern".

I developed binge-eating disorder and bulimia because of the constant message I got that I was worth nothing if I was fat. No, that's not logical at all, mental illness rarely is. Perhaps it could be seen as a sort of "fuck you" to my mother's attitudes, or perhaps I was subconsciously trying to make myself unattractive so I wouldn't get any sexual attention. Who knows. The point is, I was sometimes quite overweight when these comments were made to me, and it did sod all to help me reach a more "healthy" weight. All it actually did was reinforce to me that other people thought I was disgusting and worthless. It has taken me a long time to realise that I didn't deserve that, whether I was a size 18 or a size 8.

I think that in her mind, she is trying to help you.

No she feckin' isn't.
She offers larger portions & cake, while simultaneously undermining OP about non-existent weight concerns.

She is not happy that OP is happy, healthy, fit & confident.
She would prefer OP to be worried, anxious, & with low self-esteem.

The mother is a controlling bitch who needs screaming at, frankly. And certainly no sole contact with the kids, before she damages their growing minds with her nasty, constant undermining.

I have a mother like this. I think it gives her the rage, that I take no notice. When she comments I'll grab another biscuit and mmmmmmm enjoy it. She's welcome to her worry. I'm not overweight either, same as you tall and I was thinner pre DC, never a under a 10 and now I'm more a 12/14 still with a healthy bmi, walk a lot. I could be thinner again yes, but it's not a priority at the moment. So I say I'm happy as I am, no need for her to comment. I would say my mother has an eating disorder, she makes stuff up about the doctors and when I google the results she says she got, it's not true.

You could try to frame it more positively for you , as in won't meet up around food as you are worried she is suffering some anxiety over your eating. Say you are happy, healthy and don't want to be thinner ( even if you do) So if she can get some help or treatment for HER issue and no longer comment on it then you are happy to resume meeting up for food.

She’ll also do things like try to give me items of clothing a bit to small and go on and on about it

Your mum sounds like my narcissistic sister. She used to do the above along with other stuff.
Basically she was bitter and insecure in herself and her life choices, and insanely jealous and resentful of me and my life.
So any opportunity was an opportunity to get a dig in, to undermine and criticize me.
Of course, you try pulling them up on their behavouir and it's all victim mode tears and drama.

Narcs don't ever say sorry or feel bad for the abuse they heap on others.
I'd just give your mum a good piece of your mind everytime she does this.
You need to tell her what the consequences will be for violating your boundaries and then follow through every time.
Don't give in to any dramatics.

Wow. I'd say this goes beyond just a food thing.

It's humiliation. Making comments like that in front of waiting staff? Offering clothes she knows won't fit the op?

That's not trying to help. At all.

She's deliberately humiliating her own daughter in front of strangers and her own family.

You've walked off. You've made it clear this hurts you. But she doesn't care. She hasn't stopped.

She's taking your ignoring if her behaviour as a sign that she's right. So you have to tell her clearly and angrily if needs be.

I don't know how she'll react. But she's vile. Sorry. Probably not what you want to hear but I wouldn't have put up with this shit for so long. I would be very concerned how this is affecting your children. Not just the weight thing but seeing their mother put down and humiliated. That will also have a lasting effect.

I'm 5'8", 10 stone and a size 10, my mother recently sat me down and solemnly said she had something she needed to tell me (I thought she had a terrible illness or something) no, she told me I was fat, I was so fat in fact, that my husband was going to leave me. I just laughed at her, then I called my husband in, told him and he laughed at her (although he was slightly outraged at her suggestion he'd piss off if I put weight on). Then next time we had a family meal with my siblings and her, I told them and they all laughed at her too.

She's not mentioned it since (although I do like to make pointed comments about her furniture holding my vast bulk every time I go round).

Shine a light on it and shut it down. I'm extremely happy with my body at 45, I'm not the 7st 11lb 23 year-old I used to be, I'm a slim and attractive middle-aged woman and very happy with it too!