To refuse to ever eat in my mum's company again

[Botanic]

Regardless of the impact on family dynamics.

I’m nearing 40, with 5 kids, and I’m on the upper end of the healthy weight for my height. Probably a large size 12, but I am 5ft 9. I’m also fit, I can cycle miles of hilly ground with the youngest two on the bike. I can run, jog and swim to a decent degree and I do yoga daily. I am strong with some bulky muscle, I can push a double buggy up a step hill when others can’t move it.

My mum has always been commenting on my weight, I used to be really thin. Up to my 3rd I was a size 6-8. I wasn’t massively happy though and stressed at work. I was unfit with very poor eating choices.

The bigger I have got the more my mum ramps up comments and comparisons. She’ll tell random shop assistant apologetically in changing rooms I’ll lose some weight when I stop breastfeeding for example.

It’s really giving me the rage. I have told her I’m not actively dieting or trying to lose weight. I have been really clear. I’ve told her my concern is I’m fit and healthy and eating a good diet (relevant as I used to eat so badly to keep thin- 7.5 st at my height at one point).

Dad wants to meet in cafes, and the kids love the treat. She literally counts mouthfuls and tells people, for example counting the number of strawberries my dad ate when everyone else had said they didn’t want them (ended up chucking a load he would have eaten as he was annoyed). Typical exchange yesterday in a cafe:
Dad: come and see what cake you want
Mum: what to you want?
Me: open my mouth to answer...
Mum: cuts across me with- or nothing? Try to get slim?
(I walked out and went for a walk while others ate as I’m so fed up of this on repeat. It was awkward but it’s hard to choke down mouthfuls while she shares the number on the scales that morning and lists everyone’s food choices)

She also comments on small portions and tries to give me more, then later comments.

I try to ignore her but it’s incessant. She’ll also do things like try to give me items of clothing a bit to small and go on and on about it. Even to the neighbours! She’ll know they are a bit small as she’s a few inches smaller across the bust (she’s 5’2, we probably have a similar bmi). She actually eats more than me in terms of cake and meal volume. She was heavier but recent medication means her weight has gone down a bit.

Most our meets though involve feeding kids, I’m still thinking of a text along the lines of:

‘I no longer wish to meet up around food because despite being asked you do not stop commenting about weight. It is upsetting but I also feel as the girls grow older I don’t want them to associate eating with constant comments about weight. I know this makes meeting for longer periods difficult’

She’ll have a real drama over it, deny she says it etc. But I will literally start screaming at her in the street if it carries on.

Aibu unreasonable, is there a better way to handle this? I’ve got my ‘I don’t care if I don’t see you’ head on...

It's incredibly toxic. My mother was fine but my dad was an emotionally bullying nightmare about it. He definitely didn't have a healthy relationship with food, forever yo-yo dieting, and his mother died of basically anorexia at 70 - heart failure due to malnutrition. He never clocked that I was built like my mother, her mother and her aunts - good solid bones, broad hips and shoulders, strong muscular legs, perfect Edwardian woman. He would pat my thighs in public and tut; I found a photograph of myself at that time, at university, and I was a size 10/12 at 5'3" and cycling 7 miles a day. At least the military doctors put my fitness and muscularity down as more important than my official BMI; despite being the fittest I've ever been in my life I still look stocky and chunky in photos. It's most definitely affected my life and my mental health; a psychiatrist was shocked when I described myself as obviously ugly.

Don't let her do this to your children. Why does your father let her get away with it instead of telling her that he will eat all the [healthy] strawberries that he likes?

Every time she starts, say a firm, enough. Look at her and put your hand firmly on the table.
If she starts again, repeat.
If she starts again, tell her to talk about something else or you will leave.
Any comments about your weight, it's a, that was rude please stop, now.
If it comes to a head, tell her she is so far over respectable boundaries that you no longer want to spend time in her company until.she learns to stop referencing your food consumption and shape.

I think that your mother is in need of psychotherapy, she's unhinged. Maybe ask your dad to suggest it to her and refuse to see her (or allow her to see the children) until she gets constructive help.

If she refuses don't see her either when food is involved or not.

What is it with some women doing this, as if they achieve some sort or award for denying themselves. Anyone I know who does this a) appears highly anxious to an almost clinical level but it's always untreated and denjed, b) socially awkward with a very small circle of friends, c) weird relationship with their own mother. I used to work with a woman who bragged about only eating 1 meal a day because it was all she needed and she wasnt hungry. She was obsessive in noting what everyone else ate which is always too much. MIL is also like this and comments on everyone else's meals. She loves to deny herself and only eats fruit and fibre for breakfast. Her tiny portions are commented on by others which she loves and actually FIL parrots these. I honestly dont think they realise how damaging it is and feel able to comment on everyone else. MIL tried to tell me that "I wasnt allowed to lose any more weight'. I was still 1 stone overweight having had a baby and it was falling off when I went back to work. I actually think she was a bit jealous....

My mum is the same, and I know her attitude to my weight from a young age is what contributed to my eating disorder (that even now I can't quite shake). I'm equal parts terrified and furious that her attitude could pass on to my baby girl, because she doesn't understand the impact her comments have. I would remove my child from food related scenarios in your situation, if that's what you have to do to protect them and yourself. You could easily still meet up for walks, half days out at attractions, kids activities etc so if she can be ok then your children can still see her.

My mum is completely food obsessed and it gave me an eating disorder.
She no longer comments on me, but every mealtime is punctuated by a running commentary on the vast amount she has eaten.
If she ever goes above a size 12, she cuts the labels out of clothes so she doesn't have to see them.
She is lovely but I am so bored of it after 40 years and I completely blank it now.
I don't blame you for wanting to send the email but I don't think it will get the result you want.
0pp

Just get up and leave every time she starts. She'll soon learn.

In DH's family his mum is like it, then his sister and now, her daughter. It can run in families and it is scary to see, (when they get ill). Maybe that is why they recommend family therapy for some eating disorders

I would just label her a 'food bore' everytime she tries to pass comment. "God you're such a food bore mum - oh listen kids there goes grandma being a food bore again 🙄, don't you have something interesting to talk about mum?". She might shut up when everyone turns the table.

Her behaviour contributed to your eating disorder, you have managed - despite her - to adjust your attitude to food to be a healthy one. Do not risk her creating a toxic food environment that will impact on your daughter.

Some strategies for boundary making around food and eating are in this blog (one of my favourite bloggers on food and eating)

www.fatnutritionist.com/index.php/the-inevitable-holiday-post/

No wonder you've had issues in the past around food. Well done for turning things around. Is it just food she is like this with? I can't believe it is. I really wouldn't want someone like this around my kids influencing them. I can't believe she would only make comments like this around food - I'm sure she would make weight related comments even if you didn't meet around food. I would tell her she can't see you or the kids again until she can promis you she won't make any weight or food related comments. It is such damaging behaviour. I also feel that your dad has been very cowardly. It is his responsibility to protect you against such negative influences, as you are with your children. Good luck whatever you decide. You deserve sooooo much better. X

I think I'd cut the conversation short with, "oh, Mum, we talk about food in a positive way in our house - let's talk about xyz instead"

And keep repeating. I have a DM like this and it caused me huge food/weight issues which I REFUSE to have passed down to my children.

its not just MIL my FIL does it to my husband as well . I just told him he was rude and its none of his business .

Some of the suggested messages are very good.

But she doesn't just do it around food, she does it around clothes, too.

I would be telling her one way or another, verbally and in writing, that from now on comments about eating and clothes sizes will lead to you walking away and not returning.

And do it, No matter how embarrassing the social situation. Stay very calm and collected , stand up and say "and with that turn of the conversation, we need to leave. Bye!"

And why are so many posters here commenting that you are not overweight etc?

It is irrelevant. If the OP was the size of a rhino it wouldn't make the mother's comments any more acceptable. We buy into this shit by commenting like this.

My sister was a little overweight as a teen but later slimmed down, mainly due to long term health issues. She has an extremely controlling personality, so when her own daughter started filling out just slightly in her teens, my sister figured she could shame her into losing the weight. She even bought her daughter all the clothes she wanted for Christmas but in a couple of sizes smaller than she needed. It didn't go down well as you can imagine. The family were horrified but said nothing, due to the backlash they'd get if they did. Her son piled on weight after he left school, but I don't recall him receiving the same treatment as her poor daughter.

Sorry OP haven't read the whole thread. Your proposed text is far too vague, polite and shillyshallying. You need to be far more direct.

Every time she comments, ramp up your order. Comment from her = extra cream with that etc. Stare her down. Deranged fucker.

My dad is seriously obsessed with food and weight and has criticised me my entire life. Did the same to my mum. Despite all the achievements in my life- 1st at uni, great job, recovering from traumatic bereavement, the only time he has ever praised me was when I lost loads of weight due to depression and anxiety from said bereavement.

It came to a head when he goaded me 3 months before my wedding when he saw me eating a bun 'what was I doing, didn't I want to look nice for the photos, oh well my fiance would love me anyway' etc etc.

It's emotional abuse used to control OP and you've every right to shut it down and need to for your sake and the children. Me and my dad are NC now, sick of the manipulative bullshit.

Also stop posting your stats people! Unhelpful and not the point of the thread.

My dm is similar but no way in the same league as yours OP. Everytime I countered it she would come back with "but it's just because I care about you!". I am curvy but fit and healthy. I ended up losing it with her one time about it (no shouting just firmly reacting) and apparently I am now a bully. I am so glad I only have ds and no dd as I know she would have done the same to her/them.

It seems to be something about this generation.

She also still goes on about my vegetarian diet being unhealthy despite the fact that I have been a veggie for over 30 years, am healthy, have had 2 dcs and yearly blood checks are OK.

She is very generous and has a heart of gold, just extremely opinionated about everything (and not just with me), so guess I can put up with this, but will never do the same to my kids.

I don't normally comment. But this time I have to. I haven’t RTFT bit just reading the OP has given me the rage. This is my mother. And my aunt. And my late father. “You’re fat... you’ve got piggy eyes because of your fat cheeks... are you sure you should eat that... no one is going to want you at the size you are...” on repeat. But this is when I put on a little bit of weight. Before that when I was skinny - properly skinny - I got the “you’re so thin.. you need to eat more... no one wants a bag of bones....”
I went from a size 6-8 to a size 12 now. I’m 5’6” and 40something with twins. I am not clinically obese. And I’ll tell you this. I am fitter, faster, stronger and have more stamina than they EVER had in their lives.
This is a control thing. They have no control over their lives so they try and control you.
Fuck. That. You cannot win. Tell them all to fuck off.
Ok so maybe I am projecting a little bit
OP you sound fitter than many of the fiddles I’ve seen so you just continue to be fabulous and fit and healthy and happy and fuck what anyone else says.

Read Susan Forward books - then use the vocabulary to tell your mum to do one

YANBU! But you not eating around her doesn't help with the impact on your children as she makes comments whether you're eating or not

You need to be direct to the point of rudeness because nothing else will bother her. I'm sure you've politely told her to stop before. Time to get serious. I'd honestly limit contact if she doesn't stop because it would have driven me insane by now

Please tell me you don’t allow her to make these comments in front of your children.

If she does they’ll be affected by these vile comments.

I think you're dealing with this in a very reasonable way. My MIL is like this- always talking about younger females in the family and their weight. It's horrible behaviour and sounds like you've made it clear you don't like it on several occasions.
Good luck xxx