To refuse to ever eat in my mum's company again

[Botanic]

Regardless of the impact on family dynamics.

I’m nearing 40, with 5 kids, and I’m on the upper end of the healthy weight for my height. Probably a large size 12, but I am 5ft 9. I’m also fit, I can cycle miles of hilly ground with the youngest two on the bike. I can run, jog and swim to a decent degree and I do yoga daily. I am strong with some bulky muscle, I can push a double buggy up a step hill when others can’t move it.

My mum has always been commenting on my weight, I used to be really thin. Up to my 3rd I was a size 6-8. I wasn’t massively happy though and stressed at work. I was unfit with very poor eating choices.

The bigger I have got the more my mum ramps up comments and comparisons. She’ll tell random shop assistant apologetically in changing rooms I’ll lose some weight when I stop breastfeeding for example.

It’s really giving me the rage. I have told her I’m not actively dieting or trying to lose weight. I have been really clear. I’ve told her my concern is I’m fit and healthy and eating a good diet (relevant as I used to eat so badly to keep thin- 7.5 st at my height at one point).

Dad wants to meet in cafes, and the kids love the treat. She literally counts mouthfuls and tells people, for example counting the number of strawberries my dad ate when everyone else had said they didn’t want them (ended up chucking a load he would have eaten as he was annoyed). Typical exchange yesterday in a cafe:
Dad: come and see what cake you want
Mum: what to you want?
Me: open my mouth to answer...
Mum: cuts across me with- or nothing? Try to get slim?
(I walked out and went for a walk while others ate as I’m so fed up of this on repeat. It was awkward but it’s hard to choke down mouthfuls while she shares the number on the scales that morning and lists everyone’s food choices)

She also comments on small portions and tries to give me more, then later comments.

I try to ignore her but it’s incessant. She’ll also do things like try to give me items of clothing a bit to small and go on and on about it. Even to the neighbours! She’ll know they are a bit small as she’s a few inches smaller across the bust (she’s 5’2, we probably have a similar bmi). She actually eats more than me in terms of cake and meal volume. She was heavier but recent medication means her weight has gone down a bit.

Most our meets though involve feeding kids, I’m still thinking of a text along the lines of:

‘I no longer wish to meet up around food because despite being asked you do not stop commenting about weight. It is upsetting but I also feel as the girls grow older I don’t want them to associate eating with constant comments about weight. I know this makes meeting for longer periods difficult’

She’ll have a real drama over it, deny she says it etc. But I will literally start screaming at her in the street if it carries on.

Aibu unreasonable, is there a better way to handle this? I’ve got my ‘I don’t care if I don’t see you’ head on...

I don't think my mum would have had that much knowledge about my life to comment tbh.
Tell her you are worried about her obsession with weight and food, perhaps she should seek some help, as she needs to understand it's embarrassing to be seen out with her.

I had several relatives like this. Lots of dieting advice, even when just visiting with no involvement of food.

I remember one particular piece of "advice", issued after overhearing me say I liked a crisp sandwich now and again.

This was in the days a multipack single packet had 25g in it (about 120 calories).

You shouldn't be eating a whole packet of crisps
You should be taking out 4 or 5 crisps to eat on a piece of bread with no butter, then tape up the packet. They'll last you several days then and you might lose some weight.

25 mother fucking grams of Walkers chicken crisps needed to be eaten in stages because I was a size 16 at the time. I simply nodded and thought "why don't you go and fuck yourself, you mental cunt".

I have many more gems like that one.
She was (unfortunately still is) my SIL.
She was ALSO a size 16 at the time, could sit down and inhale an entire packet of tea dunked biscuits in minutes, three meals and then a Chinese or Indian takeaway as a prebed 1am snack.

She was an evil controlling bitch.

My other relatives who did it were benigh and only trying to be helpful in their eyes but it doesn't matter what the motivation, it's just plain rude to think you have the right to comment on someone else's food consumption or weight.

My relatives comments were back when I was young, twenty odd years ago.

Anyone trying it now would soon be told to mind their own fucking business in the most vitriolic of ways.

I'm 5'9 and a size 12, and the BMI calculator puts me at the lowest end of the average weight scale. I have broad shoulders and long arms and haven't ever fitted into a size 8 - by the time I was buying adult sizes I was a 10. Clothes sizes tell you very little. Tell your mum you have an average BMI. Next time she mentions dieting etc. snap "stop it" immediately, like you would to a misbehaving dog.

I have a friend whose mother is like this around her. Friend is huge now and I'm sure she eats as a 'fuck you' to her DM.

Can I just say that you don't have to be slim and fit to deserve loving and compassionate treatment from your own family? The number of women on this thread alone who have given their height and weight as evidence that they're not fat and therefore their mothers' toxic comments are completely unjustified, has made me feel very sad. It's as if we're saying that it would be OK for the OP's mum to constantly put her down and try to make her feel shit about her body if she was carrying some extra weight. It isn't. Not even under the guise of "concern".

I developed binge-eating disorder and bulimia because of the constant message I got that I was worth nothing if I was fat. No, that's not logical at all, mental illness rarely is. Perhaps it could be seen as a sort of "fuck you" to my mother's attitudes, or perhaps I was subconsciously trying to make myself unattractive so I wouldn't get any sexual attention. Who knows. The point is, I was sometimes quite overweight when these comments were made to me, and it did sod all to help me reach a more "healthy" weight. All it actually did was reinforce to me that other people thought I was disgusting and worthless. It has taken me a long time to realise that I didn't deserve that, whether I was a size 18 or a size 8.

Just reposting this comment of mine from earlier, and adding that it can be triggering for people with eating disorders to read about weights, BMIs, and dress sizes, so please have some consideration for people who may be lurking on the thread and feeling shit about themselves, who might need to hear that they don't have to be a certain size to be treated well.

@Baguetteaboutit I laughed out loud for real at that. I probably could. I can easily carry my husband so maybe I should just use a tactic of picking her up and popping her outside when she’s annoying?

@Baguetteaboutit thank you about the bike. I met her in the park once with both kids on the bike and she was preaching about walking for health. I challenged her to move my bike and she struggled to walk it, no way did she have the power to turn the pedals. I pointed out I’d cycled 8 miles already at that point and I do point this out.

That's given me pause for thought Father, and yes, you're right, people just sould not make these comments, irrespective of the size of the recipient.

@FatherFintanFay it’s not ok to anyone. I’ve never had the urge to ever comment on another woman’s size or eating habits. I think personally size is largely genetic and not so simple as being directly related to eating habits and that’s a big reason I don’t say anything. I know I eat more than many heavier friends and I’m lucky. Lucky, not better
Or more virtuous.

I guess I mentioned my size to make it clear my mum isn’t trying to help in a misguided way. I’m not in need of intervention or something. Not that this would be an ok way to broach the issue with someone you loved.

@FatherFintanFay
You are absolutely right.
I am reading this thread simultaneously thinking "how dare she, keep this away from your daughters" and "I am so fat, I have to lose weight". This is mainly based on people saying their height and dress size and me comparing it to me. I know that it isn't rational, but that really isn't how this works.

Botanic I understand, I'm sure if you hadn't done that you would have had a fair few "Are you sure you're not fat and your mum is just concerned about your health" comments. I just wanted to make that point for people who might be reading and feeling bad about themselves, and using all the weight/size data to beat themselves up.

I'd reduce the time you spend with your parents to be honest ... who needs those kind of put downs. You can bet your life that sort of negativity will be being passed on to your kids too.

Sounds like she has an eating disorder, when mines bad I obsess like fuck over what others are eating, I don’t voice it though that’s rude as!!

I don’t blame you for not wanting to eat around her and I’d be the same. I have similar weight comments from mine and I usually get asked ‘is that gluten free’ of course it fucking is why would I be eating it! Arghhh.

I wouldn’t send the message though, probs just stop

I agree size 12 is not large when you're 5'9. You're automatically going to be at least one size larger because you're tall ime. I'm 5'10 and even at 10st was a 10/12 so the idea of you being 7.5stone is

I was size 12 at 5ft10 & looked very slim, so you sound absolutely fine. (now a 14/16 & wish I could shift 10 pounds). She's got massive issues round food. I wouldn't say it outright as that'll just lead to a bust up & she'll deny & minimise & won't change. If that's the only issue ,just don't do meet ups with food.

A size 20 may very well be large, but anybody who wishes to comment upon my current size and weight can fuck right off. Its a damn sight better than size 2 and fucking starving myself because I had a stupid, evil witch constantly going on about how fat I was at size 10.

YANBU, op. I'd probably go for the bonus prize of zero contact in any circumstance, though. My life improved the moment I tried it.

I had family members do that when I was overweight and now I have lost weight they comment on how much weight I have lost and how much better I look just as frequently as they previously commented on how fat I was.

I am just amazed that with this being a Mumsnet thread mentioning weight that no one has yet come on to say that actually size 12 is grotesquely overweight and because of vanity sizing, OP is more like a size 28 and probably needs a crane to get anywhere. These threads usually attract those sorts of posters who have a lot in common with the OP’s mum.

My MIL used to do this a bit. She seemed to need to compare her appetite and eating habits to other people and needed to feel that she was the most restrained. It’s hard not to get exhausted by it.

It’s really bad for your girls to hear this. Dh had to have a word with mil for commenting over and over again about how much our dds ate at a pub lunch. They are 11 and 13 both slim and sporty. She’s doesn’t see them much and still thinks they are toddlers and should have toddlers meals...

Do it. That's really toxic. I'm from a family of tall girls. I didn't realise I wouldn't be as slight as my smaller friends and always felt fat growing up compared to them. I wasn't.

Generally speaking, no way can tall women be the same size as 5'2 people.

@LaserShark me too 😁
Maybe my mum and her friends all go somewhere on Fridays

LaserShark my mum also does that thing where she has to be the one eating the least in any given situation. She will serve herself the smallest portion of everything, and even then she'll have to leave half of it, while making a lot of noise about how stuffed she is, that was such a big meal, I don't know how you managed to finish it etc etc. It's really fucking tedious to witness and it must be exhausting to keep that up all the time.

Wow, she sounds seriously deranged! A size 6 at your height sounds horrifying. A size 12 sounds perfect. I'm a size 14 at 5.8 and still within healthy weight range. You sound amazingly healthy.
Another approach would be to meet around food and when she comments say "No, actually, I think I'll have more. Got to eat to look this good" or "look girls, see how grandma counts our food. She loves to count, isn't she funny?"
Just make silly, body positive jokes and call her out on it every time. As you said, your girls need to feel positive about their bodies and food.

Yanbu. Tell her no more eating together, tell her exactly why and let her have her tantrum about it.

And, slightly flippantly, I admit, I've gone through this thread thinking I could do to grow about 4 inches!