To refuse to ever eat in my mum's company again

[Botanic]

Regardless of the impact on family dynamics.

I’m nearing 40, with 5 kids, and I’m on the upper end of the healthy weight for my height. Probably a large size 12, but I am 5ft 9. I’m also fit, I can cycle miles of hilly ground with the youngest two on the bike. I can run, jog and swim to a decent degree and I do yoga daily. I am strong with some bulky muscle, I can push a double buggy up a step hill when others can’t move it.

My mum has always been commenting on my weight, I used to be really thin. Up to my 3rd I was a size 6-8. I wasn’t massively happy though and stressed at work. I was unfit with very poor eating choices.

The bigger I have got the more my mum ramps up comments and comparisons. She’ll tell random shop assistant apologetically in changing rooms I’ll lose some weight when I stop breastfeeding for example.

It’s really giving me the rage. I have told her I’m not actively dieting or trying to lose weight. I have been really clear. I’ve told her my concern is I’m fit and healthy and eating a good diet (relevant as I used to eat so badly to keep thin- 7.5 st at my height at one point).

Dad wants to meet in cafes, and the kids love the treat. She literally counts mouthfuls and tells people, for example counting the number of strawberries my dad ate when everyone else had said they didn’t want them (ended up chucking a load he would have eaten as he was annoyed). Typical exchange yesterday in a cafe:
Dad: come and see what cake you want
Mum: what to you want?
Me: open my mouth to answer...
Mum: cuts across me with- or nothing? Try to get slim?
(I walked out and went for a walk while others ate as I’m so fed up of this on repeat. It was awkward but it’s hard to choke down mouthfuls while she shares the number on the scales that morning and lists everyone’s food choices)

She also comments on small portions and tries to give me more, then later comments.

I try to ignore her but it’s incessant. She’ll also do things like try to give me items of clothing a bit to small and go on and on about it. Even to the neighbours! She’ll know they are a bit small as she’s a few inches smaller across the bust (she’s 5’2, we probably have a similar bmi). She actually eats more than me in terms of cake and meal volume. She was heavier but recent medication means her weight has gone down a bit.

Most our meets though involve feeding kids, I’m still thinking of a text along the lines of:

‘I no longer wish to meet up around food because despite being asked you do not stop commenting about weight. It is upsetting but I also feel as the girls grow older I don’t want them to associate eating with constant comments about weight. I know this makes meeting for longer periods difficult’

She’ll have a real drama over it, deny she says it etc. But I will literally start screaming at her in the street if it carries on.

Aibu unreasonable, is there a better way to handle this? I’ve got my ‘I don’t care if I don’t see you’ head on...

@Monkeyplanet what your STBex is doing denying your baby food is child abuse (as well as abusing you)! Please make this point very strongly to any legal person drawing up custody arrangements!

Oh OP.. I can sympathize to some degree. Mums can really be shit sometimes.

Had issues with weight/mum from the early childhood. When I was a kid, she and granny (her mum) stuffed me silly with food, cakes, sweets, etc. Because chubby kids look like cherubs and are adorable, apparently. When I got to my teens, I was a normal girl, about size 12/14 (I'm 5'11''), not thin, but by no means fat. I kept on eating like they taught me. And got grief over it. As I was 'already a tad too big' (according to mother).

Fast forward. I got pregnant. Gained a lot of weight (my own fault) and indeed got really big (size 20). Was scoffed at, criticized, mocked, laughed at, called 'horrible looking'.

Didn't see mother for a few years after that (other issues, weight unrelated). Lost loads of weight (not because of her) and now I'm 5'11'' small size 8/bigger 6, very slim. I'm happy with the way I look and feel.

Saw mother again after that. Received endless compliments from my brother, dad, all relatives and friends. However, she didn't say a word. But still doesn't forget to pick on my appearance. I'm 'too tall' (a woman shouldn't be that tall, you look like a friggin' lamp post!), my feet are too big (yep, size 8, but I'm very tall, goddammit!), have no boobs (cup C. She's cup B), yadda yadda yadda.

What really irks me is this: she always compliments other women/girls. On tv, in the streets, etc. 'Oh, she looks like a model, so willowy, like a gazelle, just beautiful!'. Now I really don't want to brag, but goddammit, I'm 5'11'', size 6/8, long slender legs, long limbed, tiny waist, just what the hell! Ok, sounding like a spoilt child now, but really..

Don't take it to heart, OP. It's her who has issues, not you. I'm sure you are lovely, healthy and look just great. She sounds obsessed about looks and probably has low self-esteem.

I can't figure out how old your kids are OP...

But I actually think it might be valuable for them to see you shut your mother down over this a few times.

'No Mother, we don't discuss that/do that, it is rude and it is inappropriate'.

I do agree that exposing kids to that sort of fat shaming, food obsessive attitude is unhealthy for them, but I think seeing someone deal with it, appropriately, calmly, telling someone 'no, I won't allow this' is good for them (depending on how old they are of course!).

I wish someone had shown me how to do this with my own parents when I was a kid, and with others.

I am now the morbidly obese product of parents who fat shamed, bullied over food, and had deeply unhealthy attitudes towards food and eating. I would not wish it on anyone!

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to refuse to eat with her again. Her attitude is toxic and it’s not something you want to be exposed to and especially not your kids who probably don’t have the resilience you seem to.

But I would probably start with calling her out, very directly, every time she does it. Along the lines of “Mum, that’s rude. Stop it.” “Mum, your attitude to my weight is really offensive. Stop it.” “Mum, you are being incredibly ignorant. Stop it.” And, yes, that’s pretty rude itself. But it sounds like this has become a compulsive way of thinking for her and she could do with a bit of a shake up and consistently reminding of how bad her comments have become. (I’m assuming here that you have tried less blunt approaches and had a conversation with her about you not appreciating it already. If not, try that first and then only resort to the direct correction if she continues.)

She sounds just like my mum who does this with my dad and has done so for as long as I can remember. Meal times are stressful as she just cannot let my dad enjoy his food. He is now in his 80s so what he eats will really make no difference to his life now!

Basically, I think my mum has an eating disorder. She is obsessed with what others eat and hardly eats anything herself. She is very thin. I think there is a little bit of psychosis going on with her.

Certainly never eat with her again and I'd be really limiting time with her. It sounds awful!

You sound brilliant. Confident in your body - love it, she sounds like a big of a bitch sndvyes, you are right, she will start effecting your kids gearing that constant put me down. Distance yourself.

My dsis and myself were hugely affected by our dps and have both had serious eating disorders. And now with us both being older and parents deceased it is just beginning to get better. However we were both affected in very different ways. I got anorexic, my dsis got seriously overweight. It is never easy to get it sorted though though I think we may have sorted it. Time will tell

You sound great, you definitely need to deal with her, she sounds awful! She reminds me of my MIL, she says things like ‘you eat an astonishing amount don’t you’. I’m a size 12 too funnily enough! I have two young nieces who spend a lot time of time with her and I worry about her influence. Good luck OP!

Your mother needs psychiatric help.

She comments (to everyone) not only about you but your DF too. In not the too distant future she’ll start in on your DC -
You realize that, don’t you???

Tell your mother that THE VERY NEXT TIME she makes a comment to you or anyone else about your weight or eating choices that that’s it. You’ll not see her until she can manage to behave. And that goes for your children as well. No contact with the DC because this affects them as well.

Then be strong and hold the line.

Your mother is completely out of line and sounds to me like she’s got mental issues.

Love to you.

Botanic my mum was similar, I think my had issues with food, and guess what, I have issues with food. I loved her to bits but she didn't help. She once paid me to lose weight!

I'd say stick to your guns, meet at the park or soft play and drinks only, no food. She won't change, but you should not have to listen to this.

WiddlinDiddlin I am so sorry to read your post. but I do agree with your advice...

"I actually think it might be valuable for them to see you shut your mother down over this a few times.

'No Mother, we don't discuss that/do that, it is rude and it is inappropriate'."

I think this is a terrible way to treat your daughter, and gives dreadful messages to your children.
May it’s time for a different strategy. Firstly, get you dad and DH on side. They need to speak to her about this. You’ve tried and she is not respecting you at all.
Can you try saying ... ‘that’s nice, dear’ every time she makes a comment, and then change the subject.
Or don’t acknowledge her comments at all. Give her a Paddington hard stare, and change the subject.

I’m this mother, and desperately trying (successfully) to keep it in my head. My daughter is perfect... athletic, strong, beautiful, kind, amazing.... and (why, I don’t know) I’m terrified of her getting fat. I’m worried about her portion sizes, her choices etc etc... it drives me insane that I’m like this, like my mum was to us. I’m going to reread all these posts and stay strong in shoving these feelings away. I don’t want her to turn out like me. Obsessive fatist.

I have a GMIL I actively avoid because of this. Several times she has commented and I loathe eating around her. I see her maybe once or twice a year if I have to. One such occasion is tomorrow and it’s giving me anxiety thinking about it, despite already having lost 2 stone (because I wanted/needed to for me!)

Some examples:
I was heavily pregnant, and wasn’t eating much meat as I’d gone off it. She asked ‘how many eggs would you like?’ And I said ‘two please’ and she whispered ‘pig!!’ at me.

Another time when I was also pregnant, we went for breakfast at a buffet with a large group of family. I had a small breakfast of toast, beans, egg and got up to have some fruit and yoghurt. She said loudly across the table ‘MORE?! You’ll get FAT!’ And I hissed back ‘I already AM FAT’ while my MIL defended me.

Another time I’d had dd not long before. We had dinner again at their house with a large amount of family, and when dessert came around they had 4 options. I said could I have a small piece of 2 please as I couldn’t choose? She said ‘you want to watch what you eat!!!’

I fucking hate her. My dd is only 2 and if there’s even a HINT of this sort of thing I’ll be telling her straight.

My gran used to do this, definitely had her own issues and probably an undiagnosed eating disorder, would do the ´tiny portion, cant possibly finish´ in public then you'd find her in the kitchen cramming food in with both hands. Lots of comments, little games to undermine, horrible present choices to highlight perceived inadequacies, very polished little digs and insults when you least expected it, a photography habit turned into 'daily mail sidebar of shame' paparazzi hobby where she would try and catch you unflatteringly mid mouthful or from a bad angle and triumphantly produce the photos as evidence of your moral depravity and physical decline whenever she could.
She was damaged by her life and upbringing, and her problems didn't develop in a vaccum but she also chose to try and perpetuate them onto her daughters in law and granddaughters.

By the time my sister and I were old enough to be the target of such behaviour my mother had her measure and took us aside to speak about grannys issues with food before any of the rare occasions we saw her, and how to respond to her comments and digs, be aware of the little photography 'candid shots' game she played and so on. Our father would tend to be the one to step in and close the game down.
Shame really, she was an intelligent woman with a lot of advantages in life, but she became to sort of person that everyone struggled to socialise with due in part to the behaviour she had around food, weight and appearance. Its very sad because even writing this years later and trying to be fair to a complex human character, the good and positive things I remember are tainted by it all.

Oh gosh i feel for you!

My family are always on at me to lose weight and keep making comments about it. I am breastfeeding and yes i am the largest I have ever been but the thing is they don’t want me to lose weight for my health they want me to look how I did when i got married and was 3 sizes smaller!!! I found it very hurtful when they said this.

I don’t know about anyone else but when they make comments I more feel like staying this size as a sort of fuck you.

I think you sound really fit and healthy so please don’t listen to your Mother!!

Sounds like she has issues around food and is projecting onto you. I have an anorexic DD who is in recovery and no one is allowed to talk about weight, food or diets around her, or me, after what we've all been through. I'd tell her exactly how you feel and refuse to eat anywhere near her.

meet your dad without her

I agree with the above post about projecting. I think you sound incredibly strong and self-aware. You know you are not overweight. My mother wanted me to be a teen model and pushed similar messages on me. I ended up with an eating disorder. I am either too thin, usually during periods of chronic illness, or 'gaining weight', 'too much' or 'huge'. She once told me that she didn't want to come to my graduation ceremony because she felt ashamed that I was so 'large'. I had polycystic ovaries and struggled with weight/ body image at the time. I think a lot of women of your mother's generation are socialised from a young age to associate physical image with attraction, personal value and self control....for example, smoking used to be marketed to women as a way of controlling weight decades ago. My mother certainly held this view anyway. Her only value during her poverty-struck youth was embedded in her looks and how she could hold that power over men who chased her because of her good figure compared to her chubby friend. She achieved this through a 20-a-day habit and not much food going in, and ended up with cancer twice so far.

I am a doctor, a good parent, bmi 21 and financially independent...yet judged on whether I can fit into size 8 jeans or not, do my hair properly and wear makeup. I have banned weighing scales and diets from my family home in the hope that my kids grow up without this angst. I think you need to challenge your mother on her toxic views. Take a printed picture of Karen Carpenter at the peak of her illness to the dinner table perhaps.

My sister and I are both a little overweight. My mum isn’t and always makes comments about weight.

The only comments she ever makes about women are focused on their looks and weight. If someone is ‘good looking’ and ‘lovely and slim’.

I once had a friend who behaved horribly my mum couldn’t understand why she was acting this way because she was a lovely looking girl.

It has caused me huge insecurities all my life, so when she talks about weight now I walk away. She hasn’t yet got the message - I have been doing it since spent therapist recommended it three years ago.

Oh my goodness! What an arsehole he is!!! Well done for trying to break free and for protecting your baby. X

I just wanted to say I am reading all these, even if there isn’t a lot to add. @nzeire it’s great you are aware and trying, none of us are perfect but when you strive to do your best it usually works out.

It’s quite empowering to read them.
I’m blessed I have been able to leave behind food issues, a few decades of happy marriage has worked wonders. I’m blessed to have 20yrs with someone who tells me I’m beautiful most days- I do credit dh a lot with my confidence, as well as having put in my own effort.

This thread has also calmed me down a lot in a funny way, I think I can talk from a less angry point and explain myself better

You don't have to justify your weight or general health. Her comments would be totally unacceptable even if you were really fat, particularly after you have asked her repeatedly to stop making them. I think you're right to think of your kids' relationship to food. What you plan to say to her sounds about right to me. Just make it a statement of fact (ie what your boundaries are) rather than a criticism, if you can. You can't change her but you have the right to decide your own terms.

meet only your father, with your children, so you can enjoy your outings, and enjoy eating together.
as others have said, it is of the utmost importance that you protect your children form the toxic influence of your mother, this could really adversely affect young minds, leading to a life-time of misery re food, weight, eating, self-image, confidence self-acceptance etc.
you've had to struggle free from her adverse influence, don't let it touch your children.
doesn't matter what she thinks/says.
just remove yourself and your children from her orbit.
hope your father is willing to meet without her.
don't waste time/ effort trying to reform her. if she's willing to amend her behaviour she'll do so; don't wait...distance.
you can't even see her away from the table as her conversation is still toxic, eg the changing room assistants....
don't risk it. your children depend on you to keep them safe.
good luck.