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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 06/10/2019 10:34

Great, I hope he and the kids enjoy their early bus/train journey. You’ll be having a lie in so trust he’s arranged with your family to get the cottage in order for departing and arranged a nice lunch somewhere.

fedup21 · 06/10/2019 10:38

It’s really a long way from the romantic weekend in a hot tub you had planned now, isn’t it?!

Sleepyhead19 · 06/10/2019 10:59

OP, is it even worth going if that what he was planning to do?
You won’t be able to have more than a couple of glasses of wine the night before because you’ll be up at stupid o clock.
Now this is all on his terms. I’d say let’s leave it, family can stay in a local hotel which he can pay for and you can still go for your birthday meal with them as originally planned.
I’d definitely have said it’s all off by now. It’s not your weekend. It’s his kids weekend.

SummerWhisper · 06/10/2019 11:02

CraftyYankee rugby practice, presumably a weekly event, should not take precedence over an important birthday weekend that he cocked up in the first place. Any reasonable person would not throw this extra spanner in the works. It is ghastly. I therefore think that he's a complete flake and it's his way of saying "I've done more than my fair share and now I'm bailing out because I've reached my limit" or he is just an unthinking git. Lose-lose, either way. Now the OP has to navigate and negotiate yet another bloody obstacle that he has created. Red flag!

SecondRow · 06/10/2019 11:47

A big family weekend that's been six months in the planning and it hasn't occurred to him to cancel the regular weekend activities? Oh dear.

SecondRow · 06/10/2019 11:50

Also, are your parents hiring a car at the airport or do they need to be dropped back on the Sunday? That's another hassle if he wants to take off early in the car.

C0untDucku1a · 06/10/2019 11:55

‘I wont be leaving my birthday weekend early for rugby. It’s starting to sound like you changed my plans for my birthday, but didn't actually think through the alternative you chose.’

Taswama · 06/10/2019 12:40

So us the plan to arrive Friday evening and leave Sunday morning? Or (worse) arrive Saturday morning? Either way, it’s not really a relaxing weekend away if you have to get up early on the Sunday.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/10/2019 12:42

”CraftyYankee rugby practice, presumably a weekly event, should not take precedence over an important birthday weekend that he cocked up in the first place.”

I agree, @SummerWhisper. If the OP’s dh hadn’t completely changed the birthday weekend that she wanted, his kids’ rugby practice wouldn’t have been an issue - they’d have been with their mum, who would have taken them.

He has cocked up the weekend that @TheresAMouse wanted, and now he wants to cock it up more, because of the consequences of his first cock-up.

FilledSoda · 06/10/2019 12:57

That would be the last straw I'm afraid.
I simply wouldn't want to be bothered with any of it.
Can your parents and sister still go and use the rental place ?
I'd let them go and have a break by themselves and I'd stay at home,
He's make a right fuck up .

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 06/10/2019 14:16

@TheresAMouse "he has come up with a short list of plans for me to choose from in terms of activities. He is making a meal for everyone for the first night that we can heat up when we get there. He's also started a WhatsApp group to gather everyone's requests for shopping."

That sounds positive, good for you OP!.... (assuming it is a decent list and of things you actually DO like!)

TheresAMouse "Oh hang on. He's now talking about leaving early at 8:30 on the Sunday morning so that he can get home to take his kids to rugby."

Oh for fuck's sake. He can't do right for doing wrong, can he? Hope you are not too disappointed and that by the time you get back to the thread he's bucked his ideas up and realised this weekend is about you, not him or his bloody kids' rugby.

chamenanged · 06/10/2019 14:34

On the plus side, if I were you I'd now be totally put off the idea of a romantic weekend alone with him, so you won't feel that you're missing out too much!

billy1966 · 06/10/2019 14:34

One way or another the OP should surely have been given pause for thought by the time this weekend is over!🙄

GrandmaSteglitszch · 06/10/2019 15:23

How about you go and have a lovely birthday weekend with your family, while has stays home with the kids?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 06/10/2019 15:23

*he stays home.

cuppycakey · 06/10/2019 15:47

Great, I hope he and the kids enjoy their early bus/train journey

Yes - either that or he doesn't come at all and OP has the birthday weekend with her family.

Sleepyhead19 · 06/10/2019 17:13

He could stay home with his kids so you get a child free weekend and can stay longer with the family? I think I would suggest packing his bags too? This weekend was never really about the OP.
He felt the need to do something so did, and by doing so spoiled her plans and did something that is nothing like she hoped. He couldn’t do nothing as that would look bad, but didn’t want to put the effort in to do something she really wanted. This shows he doesn’t really know her and has only been thinking of himself. She specifically asked for something and got a complete opposite. He hasn’t thought of her at all.

Redshoesandtheblues · 06/10/2019 17:28

I'd definitely be thinking along the same lines as Grandma now.

You and your adult family go; he stays home with all the kids.

Not a romantic weekend, I know, but that ship sailed a while ago when he changed your plans.

The underlying sense is that the changes have all been centred around him having his kids that particular weekend.

eddielizzard · 06/10/2019 18:32

Yeah, I second that - he stays at home with all the kids. The ultimate selfless gift.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 06/10/2019 19:20

That didn't take long to disintegrate Sad

TheKarateKitty · 06/10/2019 19:38

I feel very bad for you, @TheresAMouse.
Perhaps like others said, he stays home with all of the kids.

You and the other adults go; have an easy breakfast of assorted items, and all other meals out.

Or your sister cooks all meals other than at least one dinner out, since it was her idea.
I still can’t understand why she suggested that for you.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/10/2019 19:39

no rugby

the end

incognito76 · 06/10/2019 20:06

Suspect that’s what his plan has been all along and you’ll discover that his dc were told ages ago not to worry, they would be back for rugby...

Absolutely this.

wibdib · 06/10/2019 20:49

If he mentions going back early for rugby again say that it wasn’t funny the first time he mentioned and it’s even less funny now. You know that obviously he’s not going to screw up your birthday weekend by even thinking about rugby practice so you’re interested to know what real different options he has lined up for the Sunday...

And then watch his face contort as he realises that he is not going to get away with keeping both you and his dc happy on the Sunday and he has to think quickly to figure out what to say... in fact I’d video him as you ask him - say it’s for your memories or something - and I reckon it will be a great watch back as you watch the emotions play out across his face.

I hope you end up having a lovely day on Sunday!

Aaarrgghhh · 07/10/2019 09:26

Oh hang on. He's now talking about leaving early at 8:30 on the Sunday morning so that he can get home to take his kids to rugby

Oh, he is being a dick. I’d say no, this is your birthday weekend and he isn’t fucking it up because his kids have rugby, I’m sure he knew about that in advance and is just fucking up the plans made even more now. What a manipulative twat.