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Original poster

To not want DD to get suspended over a nose piercing?

326 replies

Helpmeplease123456 · 26/09/2019 19:08

She is year 11. She got her septum pierced at the beginning of this month (when she turned 16, she asked me previously and I said no. She said fine, I'll go when I'm 16 and don't need consent and she went with a friend a couple of days after her birthday. She has now had it a couple of weeks.

Her school have a ban on facial piercings, only one lobe piercing for each ear is allowed. She did know this and I did too, hence why I said I wasn't giving permission. Obviously I respect she doesn't need it now.

Her school (of course) noticed this the first day she showed up with it and are demanding she takes it out. I have had multiple phone calls about this, during which I've said short of physically yanking it out, there's nothing I can do. She's refusing to twist it up into her nose (which effectively hides it) and is complaining that the school aren't respecting her personal expression. On Monday the school basically said take it out or we'll put you into isolation until it comes out. She refused and has spent 4 days in isolation. (They let her out at lunchtime so she still sees her friends- she doesn't really see the isolation as a punishment i don't think. She likes the quiet time to do the learning without distraction.

I got a call today saying they're thinking of a fixed term suspension if it doesn't come out. Again, they seemed to be implying that I can make her take it out. I really don't want her to be suspended over a nose ring in such an important year but do I just have to accept there's nothing I can do?

OP posts:
recrudescence · 26/09/2019 20:06

Let the suspension happen. Take it from there.

handmademitlove · 26/09/2019 20:10

Will she still be allowed to go to prom if they have one if she is suspended? Would she care? I think you need to spell out the consequences and let her make her choice. Meet with the school. Let them spell it out to her..

mathanxiety · 26/09/2019 20:11

I would support her.

Seriously, in this day and age a 16 year old boy could announce he was a girl and expect full access to the girls' loos. And the school is nit picking about a nose piercing...

This is about bodily privacy.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 26/09/2019 20:14

This must be really hard OP. I honestly don't know what you can do.

She's a bloody moron for making this her hill to die on and risking her education. Even more so because from your description she sounds academic!

I really hope she gets some sense knocked into her soon and doesn't cause to much damage.

I'm dreading the teenage years. I'm still a good few years away but it looks impossible from posts on here!

TommyShelby · 26/09/2019 20:14

I’m pretty sure you can get flesh coloured / clear retainers for piercings like this. Could she get herself one of these? They make the piercing almost invisible and yet she gets to keep her piercing?

mathanxiety · 26/09/2019 20:15

Blimey. I have read all the responses here. Apart from MontyDyson's, I feel I have stepped into a parallel universe.
A nose piercing isn't the crime of the century, folks.

Foldinthecheese · 26/09/2019 20:15

MN drives me crazy. On other threads with 16 year olds it’s posters queuing up to describe how when they were 16 they lived on their own and worked and paid their own bills, but here it’s full of suggestions that this girl is a tearaway who should be on lockdown because of a simple piercing.

OP, this is a school issue, so keep it at school. It sounds to me like your daughter is a decent kid overall who is attempting to exercise her independence on this issue. I would have a very calm, mature chat with her. Tell her that the school are holding firm on the issue and they aren’t willing to budge. Ask her what she would do if this was her workplace telling her that she would be fired if she didn’t comply with their expectations. Tell her that school is, essentially, her job right now, and she is facing suspension. Ask her to weigh up the issue: is it worth being suspended and losing this valuable learning time over the issue of a nose ring. Be led by her answers. Let her have some time to think about it. But don’t get riled, and don’t start making threats or demands. She is asking to be treated as an adult on this issue, so let her suffer the natural consequences if she insists on standing her ground.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 26/09/2019 20:15

@mathanxiety Go tell that to the Armed forces, NHS and Police services etc all of whom have much stricter uniform policies.

A nose piercing is not a necessity. And she needs them a lot more than a school needs another stroppy teenager.

okeydokeygirl · 26/09/2019 20:16

I have piercings and tattoos. Both on display when I applied a for job in a school and for the first few months of working there. I was then told I had to cover my tattoo which resticts what I can wear and is a pain in the arse in the summer. I reluctantly complied. Several years on rules changed and I was informed I was no longer allowed facial piercing. I challenged this to highest level and was threatened with loss of job. As an adult I had to choose piercing or job. I chose job. It still grates EVERY single day. It may sound trivial to some but I strongly felt it took away a huge part of my identity. I was over 40. Maybe she feels the same. I thought it was a stupid rule IMO and it made me completely lose respect for my employer. I dress way smarter and more 'professionally' than some other members of staff but this appeared to be irrelevant. Your daughter is making a choice. If she disagrees with the rules then she needs to campaign against those rules to get them changed. If she can't get them changed then she need to go with the consequences and if that means she has a poorer education then so be it. But only she can make that choice. It sucks but that is how it works. She can still do well on exams or at a later stage if she is that adamant that her piercing is that important to her right now.

DulciUke · 26/09/2019 20:17

Turn off the wi-fi altogether and when she complains, tell her that she doesn't value her education anyway, so no point in revision. Ask her when she plans to get a job or an apprenticeship.

Or, just don't do anything and let her deal with the consequences of being suspended on her own. If she won't listen, this might be the only way to go. You can lead a horse to water...

CrazyToast · 26/09/2019 20:17

@Foldinthecheese that is some sensible advice. She is making her choices at school, and should be allowed to face the consequences of those choices.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/09/2019 20:20

Have you tried pointing out to the school that neither you nor they can remove the thing by force and, given that she is a good student, they might like to consider getting the fuck over themselves and rescinding this silly rule?
At 16 she probably isn't doing contact sports with a risk of ripping it out. It isn't a hygiene or H&S issue for science/food tech lessons. There is no good reason for the school to forbid students to have nose piercings, and your DD is the right age to make quite a stir about it. Because an awful lot of young people are seeing quite clearly that rules for the ssake of rules and 'obey your betters' is not working.

BenjaminH · 26/09/2019 20:20

"She's refusing to twist it up into her nose"

that's a shame that would be the best thing to do surly....

as annoying as the institute of school is she has to follow the rules unfortunately...

Biancadelrioisback · 26/09/2019 20:20

Well, I also think that's it's a H&S issue. She's at school with children as young as 11(?) running around? It would be so easy for a septum ring to get caught on something and ripped out. I say this as someone who's tragus is still in two sections thanks to a clumsy 14 year old and their hockey stick. Also, while she is 16, she will still make some daft decisions so could easily knock or pull the piercing.
I adore piercings, I have 18 myself and I'd love more. I think they look great. I had my cartilage and tragus pierced in yr 11 and got my hair cut into a bob to hide them from the teachers. I thought I was so smart until my tragus got ripped out.
I agree with asking her about her future and how she plans to cope if she doesn't have GCSEs? I'm lucky now my workplace doesn't care if I have piercings, but in previous roles it's been stricter than school!

SmileEachDay · 26/09/2019 20:21

Why is she digging her heels in OP?

If as you say, she is a good student generally why is this such an issue?

What was the previous “misdemeanour” that lead to her smart phone being removed?

Spikes in behaviour nearly always have a root in something...unless she just feels as though she’s made a stand so this is the hill she has to die on?

Aprillygirl · 26/09/2019 20:22

A nose piercing isn't the crime of the century, folks.

No it's not. But throwing away you education over something so pathetic is fucking stupid.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/09/2019 20:23

Also, enough of this Waa, waa, she'll ruin her life if she doesn't LEARN TO OBEY. No, she won't. Obedience and conformity are, these days, likely to get you nothing more than a mountain of debt and a shit job in a call center once you graduate. It's still possible to sit exams later on, if you want to. If she goes public as a teen campaigner for self-expression she might make a decent chunk of money out of it.

ivykaty44 · 26/09/2019 20:23

Let the school suspend her, as you say it’s her choice and tell the school you back them up on the suspension as you’re not getting anywhere with tell her what to do.

HJWT · 26/09/2019 20:26

Ask her if she thinks she will look good with it working in McDonald's all her life... I think you need GCSE's to work there though tbh!

ThanosSavedMe · 26/09/2019 20:27

Let the school deal with it. Tell her the consequences she is facing and the potential knock on effect. If she’s old enough to get a piercing, she’s old enough to take the suspension.

Witchinaditch · 26/09/2019 20:28

“that the school aren't respecting her personal expression.“ 😂😂😂

Wow. There are rules, she is a child, she has to follow them. It shouldn’t have got as far as this she should have respected your answer of no not just I’ll wait until I’m 16 she doesn’t sound like she respects you and has an authority problem. Sorry op don’t mean to be harsh but I’d fall off my chair laughing if my daughter said that to me.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 26/09/2019 20:29

Pretty sure McDonald's would have some pretty strict rules on piercings.

purplestarz · 26/09/2019 20:31

I think you do need to be much firmer with her, at 16 she is still a child, whether or not it is legal for her to go get a piercing doesn't override respecting parents and following school rules!
The school will follow this through.. nothing you can say will stop it because they need to set an example that rules must be adhered to.
If it were me all privileges would be removed.. computers and internet are privileges, study can be done without them.
I do agree she needs her phone when out, I wouldn't like to think my 16yr old was out without a way of contacting me if something went wrong.. however it would be handed to them as they left for school and taken again when they came home. It wouldn't be needed any other time because they wouldn't be going anywhere until they decided to follow the rules.
If you do that she will soon decide to respect the rules.

mathanxiety · 26/09/2019 20:32

But throwing away you education over something so pathetic is fucking stupid.

It's actually the school being pathetic over something stupid.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 26/09/2019 20:35

The school are not being pathetic. They have a very very simple rule.
The DD has gone out of her way to break it.

The rule is probably written into H&S and as such not something they are going to change.

Entitled teenagers is something they have plenty of.

Who needs who more here?