To not want DD to get suspended over a nose piercing?

[Helpmeplease123456]

She is year 11. She got her septum pierced at the beginning of this month (when she turned 16, she asked me previously and I said no. She said fine, I'll go when I'm 16 and don't need consent and she went with a friend a couple of days after her birthday. She has now had it a couple of weeks.

Her school have a ban on facial piercings, only one lobe piercing for each ear is allowed. She did know this and I did too, hence why I said I wasn't giving permission. Obviously I respect she doesn't need it now.

Her school (of course) noticed this the first day she showed up with it and are demanding she takes it out. I have had multiple phone calls about this, during which I've said short of physically yanking it out, there's nothing I can do. She's refusing to twist it up into her nose (which effectively hides it) and is complaining that the school aren't respecting her personal expression. On Monday the school basically said take it out or we'll put you into isolation until it comes out. She refused and has spent 4 days in isolation. (They let her out at lunchtime so she still sees her friends- she doesn't really see the isolation as a punishment i don't think. She likes the quiet time to do the learning without distraction.

I got a call today saying they're thinking of a fixed term suspension if it doesn't come out. Again, they seemed to be implying that I can make her take it out. I really don't want her to be suspended over a nose ring in such an important year but do I just have to accept there's nothing I can do?

The school rule is nothing to do with health and safety if they permit one lobe piercing.

She could easily have both nipples done, and a belly button piercing, and nobody would be any the wiser.

The school presumably wants the students looking like demure young ladies to give the impression that it's not a school for common-as-much types.

Honestly, I wouldnt get involved. For some reason she's decided this is the hill she wants to die on. I'd let her fight it out with the school. If she's in full rebellion mode I dont think it would be wise for the 2 of you to fall out over this too, that just backs her further into the corner over something which (in the grand scheme of things) is not that important. Make it clear that you think it reasonable for the school to set the sanction and let her get on with it.

I’m the parent of a year 11. I sympathise OP. Short of assaulting them or throwing them out which is a step I never want to take there is very little you can actually do if they point blank refuse to do something.

The only thing is to let her take the consequences from school and hope she learns from it.

The school could decide that all students need to do the Macarena while going down the hall.
If she wants an education she damn well needs to follow the rules. Or she can try and find a job that pays her bills.

Considering degree educated people are having to apply for retail and bar jobs I'm sure she'll have something in no time 😆

I would let the suspension happen, and let her deal with the consequences.
What are her plans for post GCSE? College, sixth form, apprenticeship, university? Apart from sixth form at her present school, I doubt any would object to a piercing, but she may have to deal with a less than optimum choice if her grades aren't as good as they could be due to missing chunks of school. Also make sure she knows that her reference from her present school might not be brilliant either.

Ask get what she wants to do after school, where she wants to go and whether a suspension on her record will have a negative impact on that.

Laptop only in the dining room until 8pm then no more internet.

My DC went to a rough as a badgers... School they didn't allow face piercings either .for boys or girls

She's choosing to break the rules and must have the consequences. It's sad. I think the school should back down, it's just a waste of time when teachers now have tattoos etc, which are in full view.

Tell her she will regret it and tell the school there is nothing that you can do, they must do as they wish.

To add: there are many more damaging ways of rebelling she could chose than this one, so be grateful. Have you tried taking her seriously? Sit down with her and see if she can explain why it's so important to her and what principles she feels are at stake here. It probably wont change anything with the school (unless she's very eloquent) but learning when to take a stand, and when to bend w the breeze is a very important life lesson.

Tricky one, the school won't back down, she won't back down, I really think this is going to have to reach its natural conclusion. I agree with her in many ways, and she's asserting her independence, which is laudable, I like a stubborn young woman, I was a stubborn young woman once and ended up being expelled for a not dissimilar situation, I refused to apologise for something I thought unjust, I still think it was unjust but ultimately the school held all the cards in the scenario and I got the old heave-ho.

They did let me come back the next year and I had to re-take much of my lower-sixth.

Did I learn from it? Sort of, I learned not to take piss to a shit fight!

I think the best thing to do is just let it happen, take the phone and laptop because she won't need those anymore!! & tell her she isn't going anywhere till she removes the piercing and goes back to school!

This is precisely why I complained that teaxhers hadd nose piercings and tattoos when 4 year olds were expected to wear a collar and tie.

I don't like piercings and tattoos. I detest double standards. Teachers and those in charge of schools never fail to amaze.

It's actually the school being pathetic over something stupid.

Doesn't matter.There are many rules in life that we might not agree with but have to follow anyway. And unfortunately OPs DD needs school but they don't need her, so the sensible and mature thing to do would be to just take the piercing out is it not?

I'm going to risk a flaming here, but other than possible problems with PE/health & safety, how does it affect her ability to learn?
Yes, schools have rules, but I expect rules to be founded in common sense, not just exist to ensure everyone conforms.
Presumably teaching staff do not have multiple piercings either?

@Helpmeplease123456 -
Look into distance learning/ home education for your DD. She is entitled to an education regardless of what the school says on that score.

Her piercing doesn't define her and you shouldn't let it affect her prospects. Don't let the school set her back in her progress.

Let her know you have her back.
If you acknowledge that there is a difference between rules that have a purpose and rules that are there just for the heck of it, you will ultimately help her to think seriously about how life works, and eventually find it within her to follow rules that make sense.

The important thing is to be able to discern what rules make sense, not to follow them all blindly.

Wifi she needs for revision. To be fair she does spend a decent amount of time revising and I'd like to encourage that.

Interesting- keen to revise but not actually attend school where the information to revise over is provided. 😂 she’s pulling the wool over your eyes OP. How can she revise what she hasn’t been taught in class?

Cut the WiFi- if revising is actually important to her she’ll get her ass in class.

Stop being such a walk over.

It absolutely does matter Aprillygirl.

Following all the rules 'just because' isn't a virtue.

At 16 it’s legal for her to decide to get the piercing, and you can’t actually force her to remove it as that would be assault.

If you honestly think that applying sanctions won’t work as she won’t miss anything then this is maybe an opportunity to put your relationship on a more adult footing.

You could try a different approach, have an adult conversation with her and explain she knew the rules before she got the piercing so now she has to take the consequences from school. You respect her right to express herself but can see school’s point from a safety perspective, so you’re going to offer a compromise.

Offer to take her back to where she got it pierced to have a silicon retainer fitted, ; that way school won’t be able to see the piercing and won’t have to escalate their sanctions, she will still know is there and she can change the retainer for a ring at the weekend.

It potentially turns a massive point of conflict into an opportunity for your relationship to evolve.

Mrsjayy, did the lack of facial piercings make any difference to the academic outcomes for anyone?

I ask because my own DCs went to a non-uniform high school in the US where dyed hair, shaved hair, partially shaved hair, dreadlocks, tongue, lip, nose, and eyebrow piercings and God knows what else pieced, tattoos (illegal under 18 but can be got regardless), and gangsta gold teeth were all permitted. Big school, wide range of attitudes to education among the intake. Many of the most pierced and dyed kids end up getting admitted to prestigious art colleges, year after year.

I don't agree with lots of uniform rules, but either you stick to the rules or you don't go to school. She's choosing the latter. Have that conversation with her and then leave her to it. No more arguments, no more discussions. Ultimately, persistent defiance of school rules can get her permanently excluded but I'd be amazed if she lets it get that far.

Why won't she flip it up??

Because she wants to “win” this battle.

You can get tiny see through bars for this.

Don't let the school set her back in her progress.

It’s not the school that is setting her back in her progress.

It strikes me that you have left paernting this child of yours some what too late, 15 years too late!
No money, no wifi, no phone,

Following all the rules 'just because' isn't a virtue

And neither is being so stubborn that you'd cut off your nose (pierced or otherwise) to spite your face, rather than abide by a simple rule, a virtue.