To not want DD to get suspended over a nose piercing?

[Helpmeplease123456]

She is year 11. She got her septum pierced at the beginning of this month (when she turned 16, she asked me previously and I said no. She said fine, I'll go when I'm 16 and don't need consent and she went with a friend a couple of days after her birthday. She has now had it a couple of weeks.

Her school have a ban on facial piercings, only one lobe piercing for each ear is allowed. She did know this and I did too, hence why I said I wasn't giving permission. Obviously I respect she doesn't need it now.

Her school (of course) noticed this the first day she showed up with it and are demanding she takes it out. I have had multiple phone calls about this, during which I've said short of physically yanking it out, there's nothing I can do. She's refusing to twist it up into her nose (which effectively hides it) and is complaining that the school aren't respecting her personal expression. On Monday the school basically said take it out or we'll put you into isolation until it comes out. She refused and has spent 4 days in isolation. (They let her out at lunchtime so she still sees her friends- she doesn't really see the isolation as a punishment i don't think. She likes the quiet time to do the learning without distraction.

I got a call today saying they're thinking of a fixed term suspension if it doesn't come out. Again, they seemed to be implying that I can make her take it out. I really don't want her to be suspended over a nose ring in such an important year but do I just have to accept there's nothing I can do?

Print the text books, or laptop in the living room at the table for 1 or 2 hours a night between set times. Blockers can be installed for messengers/social media.
Grounded for the weekends so she can’t go n out.. you said she doesn’t go out but clearly she went out to get the piercing in the first place.
No tv in her room/iPad whatever she watches.. you can’t say she literally gets home from school at 4 eats dinner and studies till her eyes shut.
Buy the retainer and sit it out with a note that normal service will resume when she puts it in for school.

I wouldn’t take her phone on the off chance of something horrible happening but I’d take it once she’s in the door.

Work places have dress codes, even maccies won’t let you work with facial piercings. Once she finds a job that allows her to express herself as she pleases 24/7 she can.. until then rules apply. And I’m not a wee granny, I’m heavily tattooed (hands included) with multiple piercings including a stretched tongue piercing. But my job don’t mind.

When she is a smart kid and does her revision and wants to continue seeking education then why not have a very thorough talk with her about her school and future?

Could there be some of her friends who are behind not letting her give up on her piercing? You know how some friends would just pump you and then it becomes as matter of your self respect. I would try to talk to her confidently and probe more on this front.

If she's smart then I am sure she will see the point of how she is being ridiculous about the all piercing issue with the school. She should know that it will only her loss and will affect her massively in future (education wise). Year 11 is very important and I am sure she must be due for some assignments and tests so try to shift her focus to the importance of her missing the school rather than piercing itself. She has her whole life to enjoy that.

The school are ridiculous, she is 16 not 12, old enough to have sex and smoke, yet they ring you to try force her to take it out?

Normally i am for sticking to the rules, but this is plain stupid. Instead of ringing you perhaps the school should try force her themselves, let see how that goes!

Refuse to taxi her anywhere. If the bus doesn't come she walks.
She needs to get a job at the weekend. If she's refusing education she has bills to pay now.

You are the boss here, as for the wifi, only on for when she revises, so sorted. It appears you are looking for excuses.
No treats, no gadgets, phone to be handed in once home from school, no pocket money, take everything away until she does what she is told. Job done.

It's a bit harsh to say "she's out of control". "Out of control" would suggest to me staying out all night, drinking, shagging around, drugs, police involvement, truancy, etc, etc, etc. She sounds more like a very stubborn teenager who has got a fixed idea about "self expression" into her head.

I do agree with the various suggestions about changing the wifi password/restricting internet etc (though whether you can do this depends on whether you need it yourself for work - I certainly do). Is there anything she really, really wants to do, OP? My DC are mid-late teens, and the one thing that works on them is the threat that they will not be doing (insert whatever it is they most want to do, and which needs either money or other input from me) if they don't toe the line. Especially about something this trivial (I know it's not trivial to her - but it's hardly a big political statement with positive consequences for other people).

Perhaps also suggest to her that she finds a way to get involved with changing the rules for the benefit of future pupils? (This positive involvement might also help her to realise exactly why schools have these rules?)

I would leave her to face the consequences of her actions
She is not a toddler

NorthenSpirit- you really think I haven't told her to remove it?

Remove her funds (if you give her money for stuff), remove her phone, and turn the Wi-Fi off at 6pm.

The school are ridiculous

The school is not ridiculous.

This is the rule. If she wants to attend the school she should respect it.

Your DD has no respect at all has she? Not for school, and not for you either. Has she always been like this? Why was her smartphone confiscated? Do you give her money at all? If so stop. Apart from that, I don't really see what else you can do at this point. If she'd rather miss out on her education for the sake of a fucking nose ring then that's her business I suppose.

Parent your own child. Tell her to remove it
OP has asked her to remove it, she said no unfortunately you cant force her to unless you assault her.
She is nearly an adult, other than this I wouldn't say she is out of control, more trying to assert herself as a young adult, she wouldn't be the first teen to fight against authority.

It doesn't matter how old she is her school doesn't allow face piercings and as she is still in school she has tofollow the rules. As an aside you need to be 18 to smoke these days

I did this. But only a few weeks before exams. Was told to cover it with a plaster. Hated school anyway, couldn’t wait to leave.

I work in a large secondary school. The school, in this case, won't give in. They can't give in. If they do, they'll have hundreds of other disgruntled parents asking why the rules have been bent for your child and then hundreds of other children trying to bend the rules in other ways. Explain this to your daughter. She is already in isolation. It's going to move to exclusion. And then FE colleges are going to think twice before offering her a place.

*Doesn’t mind

Typing with a slap happy baby

Why is the child not doing what she is told?

And the prize for the stupidest question about the behaviour of a teenager goes to .....

@Helpmeplease123456
Consequence suggestions (ultimately i would do all of these as you are at an impasse.

1. supervised phone and laptop use when in the home. so when she come homes take the phone, she has to sit in a communal space with either you or other parent in the room, for homework purposes etc.

2.change the password to the wifi in case she has secret smartphone and to ensure she cant secretly use laptop or internet when no one is home. Log on for her when she needs the internet.

1. even if she doesn't go anywher ground her anyway so there is no option.

1. Increased chores, such as washing all plates for the next month or until behaviour is changed etc

1. no pocket money outside of school lunch or start providing packed lunch so no money at all to prevent any squirreling away.

You are still the adult and parent. But ultimately if she still is defiant let her be suspended. actions have consequences sometimes you have to learn the lessons harshly.

Op what you are really asking is whether you are justified in asking the school to change the rules for your DC. YABU and they won't and your job is to make your DC understand this.

Sorry if you've already answered this, couldn't see it anywhere.

Why won't she flip it up??

I had my septum pierced in year 11, i had a flexible horseshoe ring that i would flip up my nose while at school.
I also had my lip pierced 3 times, both sides of my nose, tongue, frenulum and septum. I would take the balls off my lip piercings. School didn't have a problem with nostril piercings.

• I would like to point out that i look back at that age and wonder what the hell my mum was thinking letting me leave the house like that because i looked a state!!

I wore knee high boots with my skirt rolled up knowing they were banned the day of my exams.
In my mind I thought they'll never send me home on exam day, they did I had to race home and change.
It is mainly for H&S reasons, the schools are not trying to strip individuality.
I believed they were.

Have the school said to her she can turn the piercing up so it isn't visible then?
I think she's being a bit dramatic at saying the school aren't letting her express herself. It's just a piercing says nothing about her personality, surely?
I have a nose piercing too but it doesn't express who I am.
If they have said she can turn it up then she should otherwise she's making a huge mistake in the most important year

Hmm Teenagers. They always think they are right. She knew the school rules before she got the piercing but went ahead. Maybe you will just have to let her take the consequences. Otherwise you could change the password. Why can't you take her phone. Everyone relies on them now but I went to school in another country and at 12 I walked to the station (10 mins) caught a train 25 miles journey got off and walked 20mins. My mum saw me out the door at 8am and didn't see me again until about 4:30pm unless I had netball or I missed the train. My mum was quite protective too. What are the school suggesting as lots of teachers are parents too? Some of them have troublesome teens too. Is there a teacher that she likes and respects that might be willing to talk to her?

If you said no she shouldn’t have had it done. The shop allowing 16 year olds to have it done without a parent is irreverent.
Piercings are not suitable for school , she needs to take it out and follow the same rules as everyone else.

Daughter, what are you going to do about this piercing? Are you prepared to be suspended?

They’re stifling my sense of self expression! I don’t care!

Ok daughter, that’s fine. You’ve been happy to wear uniform for possibly 12 years and are now deciding to rebel. At school. When you could quite easily comply. What’s your plan when you don’t even have GCSEs let alone A Levels because your self expression was more important for the 39 weeks you’re at school. My opinion is you’re being foolish and stubborn but I can’t force you to make good decisions. Maybe you could weigh up the pros and cons of not backing down?

^that’s where I’d start.