DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse
Here you go, "What is emotional abuse". You might have to hide that one in the cupboard too, I'm afraid.

You're telling us you're not a nag because ...?
Because he's making you feel like a nag, by any chance?
I felt like a total nag with my exh. Maybe I even was a nag with him! If so, I've magically transformed into a non-nag with the two bfs I've had since. Both have actually suggested that I am very easily pleased...

FFS,woman, find your anger and your self esteem and tell him you're leaving -betcha you're going to get a response then. You cannot change him the counseling should've taken the blinders off your eyes

Oh for gods sake DP isnt controlling OP.

OP you have done this to yourself, you have known all along what he was like and thought 'hey it might change'. You made your own bed and are trying to change him, fruitlessly, because it's uncomfy.

Get your shit in order and leave. Because I imagine he is just as miserable as you are with it all, and no matter what someone is like, they will always try and change for the right person. He doesn't see you as that person.

The way he acts says entirely that he doesn't even like you much, just tolerates you.

Get some dignity and leave.

I actually own a book by Lundy Bancroft - ordered it last year when I realised his counselling had had little to no effect. I sobbed my way through many of the pages before hiding the book deep in my wardrobe so DP wouldn't find it and accuse me over reacting for having info on abusive men

Don't hide it FFS. Leave it on your pillow. No - leave it on his pillow.

My DD does this OP - she is 18! Clearly he’s acting in a juvenile manner. However what I would say about my DD is that she has a known ‘issue’ with the self expression of feelings and this is a genuine problem for which she’s receiving counselling. When there’s a lot of stress and strong feelings floating around she closes down. This makes little excuse for a grown man OP but I’m just suggesting he might need help and I’d put this to him before you decide to throw the towel in....couples therapy???

You big sound very immature
Op. I mean, I'd expect teens in a relationship to ignore each other

My XH did this.

It’s a power trip and I absolutely vow to you that life is way too short for this shit.

When I split from XH and realised I’d released myself from that kind of shit my god I was dizzy with the feeling of relief and freedom.

One quick thing: I am angry at myself with wasting so many years with a man like that as I truly expected him to change. They never do and you’re not going to magically change that. Cut your losses.

He is NEVER going to change
Just leave him FF!!

I'd be interested to hear what you'd define stonewalling as if you don't think it's controlling @Andysbestadventure have you experienced this type of behaviour before and can vouch that it doesn't feel or seem controlling in any way, shape or form?

One quick thing: I am angry at myself with wasting so many years with a man like that as I truly expected him to change. They never do and you’re not going to magically change that.

My self-esteem was destroyed by the time I left :( TBH I don't think it ever recovered. I was very easy-going, and that came back eventually - but only as long as I'm on my own. It went on too long, so by the time I left I'd become super-sensitive to being controlled, and wasn't willing to trust anyone again.

You sound at the end of your tether OP. Cut that tether and move on.

Given that he is treating you the way you treat someone you really dislike strongly, what does he to to show you how much he loves you, that balances this out?

I have been where you are
I tried reasoning. Didnt work. You can't reason with unreasonable.
I tried placating him and accepting blame for nebulous 'reasons.
Didnt work.
I tried pretending I hadnt noticed.
Made it worse
I dumped his arse.
That worked.
Then I realised I had been holding my breath for years.
Such a relief when he was gone
This is as good as it is ever going to be. Think about that for a bit.
Then start packing.

@LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken

Do you see how questions like "why didn't you take the bin out?" are genuinely passive-aggressive and annoying? It reminds me of when a baby is crying continuously and people ask mum if she has fed it. Of course she has tried to feed it OR she can't feed it right this second for whatever reason but she is aware that hunger is the issue.

I'm not saying that you're a terrible person by any means but it does seem like you think analysis and processing are normal and obligatory parts of a relationship rather than how some people interact.

Get out of there FAST. Someone who behaves like that is not worth the time and energy.

I used to have similar arguments with exP about every little thing. It tips you over the edge having to have a debate about someone doing really stupid, basic things. With DH, there's never, ever been a similar situation. There are much nicer, more decent guys out there. Run for the hills (where they live).

My dad is like this, spent my childhood (with 3 siblings and mum) walking on eggshells, not being able to speak to him when we needed, always having to gauge his mood. I couldn’t wait to leave the moment I finished school. He’s still like it now but I only visit rarely and mostly to see my mum so if he’s in a strop when I turn up I just ignore him, it’s so childish. It is 100% emotional manipulation, a form of coercive control.

I’m not sure if men who use the silent treatment can change, my dad hasn’t, he’s now in his 70s. As you don’t have children and aren’t married I’d think very carefully about whether you want to continue with this relationship before you find yourself 10 years down the line with less ability to leave. Perhaps look into counselling for you to help you make the break. As someone else said earlier in the thread a partner is only as good as their worst flaw, a partner that controls you by refusing to communicate is not a good partner, it’s a major red flag for other abusive behaviours.

I remembered the story of this poor Japanese woman whose husband had refused to speak to her for 20years despite raising 3 children together. Apparently he was jealous of her giving them so much attention, the youngest son had never heard his parents have a conversation.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jan/02/japanese-husband-speak-wife-abuse-coercive-control

Life is short and it’s a blessing, why the hell would you choose to spend it with someone who instead of loving you, carefully and slowly rips apart all of your confidence, loveliness and rationale?

I don’t know how you can love someone who treats you that way. For me, love would be completely overruled by resentment and dislike.

be interested to hear what you'd define stonewalling as if you don't think it's controlling @Andysbestadventure have you experienced this type of behaviour before and can vouch that it doesn't feel or seem controlling in any way, shape or form?

This is what I was saying earlier but you didn't seem to read my post. Something can feel controlling but it doesn't mean it is controlling. Say for example, a guy takes all his wife's wages and she has to ask for every penny knowing he often refuses or interrogates her, that is always controlling and always abuse. What you're talking about is the fact he won't process things with you in the way that you want. He isn't controlling you by refusing to speak to you. He isn't abusing you by refusing to speak to you. He has every right to deal with things in the way he wants to. However, the situation could be both controlling therefore abusive because you need this level of dual analysis to feel emotionally healthy.

I've been in more than one relationship where the differences in how we need to do things have led to an abusive situation. It deemed most relationships unviable except my marriage but it nearly broke it.

I am married to a sulker.

He has sulked for most of the week because I brought home the item in his lunchbag that he asked for (the lunchbag was in the car, parked about 20m from the front door), and not the whole lunchbag. That was last Saturday.

He sulked on birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases, holidays... and for the last 6 months of my last pregnancy. He didn't come to the scans (I was terrified because of a previous late miscarriage), he did not once ask how the baby was or how I was, and did not call a single time while I was giving birth on my own.

We have not had a deep conversation for years. He is unable to talk about any particular issue. It ends up with him making a list of everything I have ever done wrong and why I am a shit person.

I am stuck with 4DCs. The signs were there years ago (although he was clever enough to hide his true self until I was a SAHM with 2DCs). I thought he would realise that his behaviour is not on, I thought he would change. He did not and will not.

It is abuse. It is unacceptable. Cut your losses and get rid. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

I also was with someone who did this and it got worse and worse. One of the times he did it, I found out about a month later that it had been because of a text message I had sent him. (Not knowing why he was ignoring me had become a regular occurrence). One of the words in my text had been auto-corrected into something that could have been the name of a man from another country - not a name I am familiar with, but he had googled this word and apparently it was a male name in some country I have never been to nor met anyone from. This was his "proof" that I was seeing another man. It wasn't just things like that, he couldn't talk about anything. Then every so often he'd explode and call me all sorts of names.

I turned into a shell of myself. I was always walking on eggshells, I cried a lot and was extremely anxious all the time. When it first started I was so confused because I'd never encountered anything like it before. It's only after time and distance that I can look back and see what a pathetic man he is and that the whole thing was a power trip for him.

I know your relationship is different and from what you have said there isn't the jealousy factor, but it sounds exhausting. And you sound like me. I tried 50 different ways of fixing things too. It shouldn't be us running around in circles because these men don't know how to communicate like adults. It's not our problem to fix. As a pp said, I'm sure they manage to communicate at work or they'd not be able to have a job.

@LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken I feel your pain, my DH is currently having counselling for his abhorrent behaviour to me (it's only me not anyone else), it included stonewalling.

The last time went like this we had words Thursday evening, I came home Friday and asked could we talk (the thought of a silent weekend was killing me), he said no "he didn't feel
Like it", I tried Saturday morning "he was too tired, he had been to work, I tried Sunday morning and he was vile to me.

I lost it, proper red mist in front of my eyes (never ever experienced anything like this) and a tirade of my feelings came out. I told him on no uncertain terms how vile he was, how I wanted nothing more than to leave that day and never suffer a minute more of this.

I then left to clear head, came back to get some clothes for the following working week.

He begged, he pleaded, he arranged counselling something he said he would never do.

Has it worked? I doubt it, it's too early to tell but leopard and spots. I feel so much resentment and anger that I'm not sure I'll ever feel the same.

My advice, get out now..... I'm far more involved than you and it's harder.

Go and live your best life.

And yes, I do get incredibly worked up because it's beyond frustrating and heartbreaking to sit there trying to talk to someone, fighting back the tears but they think scrolling through Reddit is more important than looking up from their phone and talking and being present.

I totally understand

But ChilledBee, there's a massive difference between dealing with things differently to the person you're with, and just not dealing with them or acknowledging them whatsoever.
Point blank ignoring someone, going to bed then expecting them to be okay with you the following day after you've had zero input is not dealing with the situation. It's avoiding it entirely.
If he came to me after a few days of processing it and then spoke to me when he was perhaps more calm or had time to think, then yes, I'd agree we handle things in a different manner and that I should perhaps take a step back and give him the space that he needs.
But if I step back, don't bring up the issue again after he's stonewalled me, then it doesn't get resolved at all. He just assumes I'm over it and everything is happy days again, if I then try and discuss it once more because nothing was actually solved (and once several days have gone by whereby he hasn't come to me to discuss it or sort it out) he'll just tell me I'm being ridiculous and I should leave him alone.

But his not dealing with it is how some people legitimately deal with conflict. As in, if we don't agree, we agree to disagree and move on OR we decide that the issue is too big and we break up. Believe me, it isn't what I could tolerate but I accept that some people do things that way and they aren't obliged to change to suit me. I can vote with my feet.

How about working out whether or not you think it was abuse later, with hindsight, maybe on comparison with a relationship that is actually enjoyable and does not make you feel like shit for days on end?