DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

why he doesn't take the rubbish out on bin days,
See, counselling helped me to see that phrasing is extremely antagonistic. Counselor taught me that my options are:

Ask for a commitment to taking bins on certain day
Assume that a failure to do so is because he forgot rather than purposely didn't do it to wind me up.
Do it myself if it is very frustrating to me or leave the relationship if it is a deal breaker because he cannot meet said commitment.

The powerful one is the one that does nothing.
You can’t argue or communicate with nothing
What you can do is turn around like a headless chicken flapping around trying to be noticed
It’s horrible.
My dad was like this.
We’d argue when I was a teen then he didn’t speak to me for a week
When suddenly everything was fine again
Horrible
The first time my ex and I had a big blow up and a few hours later he started to speak to me
I was confused
I remember thinking it hasn’t been a week yet
Your behaviour is teaching him how to treat you.
He sounds hard work..I’d not want children with this man - child

"Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long."

If you change this sentence slightly, OP, and imagine one of your friends saying it to you about their partner, how would you feel?

Like this - "Apart from hitting me, he's generally a good person, and I think that's why I've stuck around so long."

Basically, someone who is a good person does not indulge repeatedly in abusive behaviours. We know it is wrong if the abuse is physical, but it is harder to see how wrong it is when it is emotional abuse - but make no mistake, this stonewalling behaviour IS abusive, and you should no more put up with it than you'd put up with him hitting you repeatedly.

I've not posted about this before....? Unsure how I'm being disrespectful to people when I started this thread only a few hours ago. My life hasn't drastically changed since then

I don't understand why you'd keep being with someone like his. You have no kids to tie you to him. Neither of you are happy. What a waste of time.

With regards to the stonewalling almost unanimously being called abuse: I think that's the part I'm really struggling to wrap my head around. Or perhaps don't want to admit to myself. I'm not sure.

If the abuse was physical, I'd call a spade a spade and know it was abuse. But because in essence, it appears like all he's doing is simply not talking, I find it hard to label the behaviour as abusive.

He is very clever at succeeding in constantly making me feel like the bad guy though. Like hearing about my problems is such an inconvenience to him that I wind up apologising for it. It's insane. I know it is. I know I'm stupid for staying with him. I feel lost.

I just wanted to comment as someone who has been through this and let you know the outcome in my situation. In a nutshell, my ex did this to me all the time, wouldn't even raise his eyes to look at me when I spoke, would go a week without speaking to me when I hadn't even done anything wrong, it used to break my heart and I would sit in the bedroom and sob. I stuck by him as we have DC and I thought somehow it would get better. As the years went by being ignored are away at me and ground me down, I felt miserable and worthless, and then, after 12 years of treating me like shit......he fucked off and left me!!

I had no idea he was going to leave, he just literally said one day "I'm leaving " and off he went. Now I have to live with the fact that I went through all of that for nothing. On looking into partners who 'abandon' it is common in men who have poor communication skills, which was certainly the problem in my case, as well as yours. I really hope that you find a way to put a stop to this behaviour as I can testify that it takes a terrible toll on your mental health. Good luck.

I blame the parents, men like this were allowed to be like this as kids.
Sounds like a 5 year old, what a wimp.
Stop doing anything for him until he grows up.

He either point blank tells me to drop it because he thinks it's 'been dealt with'

I guess, in a partnership, things can't easily be seen as 'dealt with' unless both people see it as such. What happens if you say 'not in my opinion'?. Does he blank you again then? Literally to the point where an outsider could be forgiven for thinking he's not even hearing you?

OP
Please don’t underestimate the effect of emotional abuse.

Is he behaving the way he is to control your behaviour?

Are you modifying your behaviour to avoid triggering a negative reaction?
Do you feel the need to take the blame to keep the peace?

Do he repeatedly do behaviours that you have told him you find hurtful?

If so, he is being abusive.

Everyone has a right to an opinion and everyone has the right to feel like an equal in a relationship.

To the people frustrated OP hasn't immediately upped and left, give over! It's been a couple of hours, not weeks. OP needs support right now while they come to terms with realising their situation. Don't be dicks.

That's the problem with emotional abuse OP, it's not been that long since it was finally recognised in law as abuse. Just look at Sally Challen's case. But it IS abuse, and it's terrible. I will repeat the suggestion that you look at solo therapy for yourself, you need proper support while you come to terms with this.

Your post resonates with me so much, OP. I had a partner who was like this and it led to me self harming due the the pure frustration of attempting to deal with his stonewalling and refusal to address issues. Never self harmed before or since. I was literally banging my head on the wall out of frustration. Well, on the kitchen cupboards. My mental health was shot to pieces after during that relationship.

He won't change. Leave him now while you can - you deserve so much more than this. It's 100% about control and unfortunately, my tiptoeing around him you're letting him hold the power. Take it back.

by, not my

I agree with @TwentyEight12 and @ChilledBee actually.

I don’t think he’s half as abusive and evil as most people on here are trying to make out, and certainly nothing like some of you have had to put up with. (Before you all jump on me, I’m speaking from experience of this exact situation believe me).

You just aren’t communicating in a compatible way. You want to talk about everything, he doesn’t, it’s really as simple as that. You start banging on about the same thing over and over again (in his mind) so he shuts down because as far as he’s concerned that was days ago. You get frustrated because (in your mind) nothing ever gets sorted.

Basically you need to be with someone who enjoys endless analysis and he needs to be with someone who says what they’ve got to say and gets over it. You can actually learn to meet in the middle though if you both want to (that’s the important bit). It took us about 15 years, a lot of tears, a lot of rows, almost splitting up.... I don’t know if I’d recommend it unless you are 100% committed for the long haul. We had children, and my husband is the furthest thing from abusive or controlling. We just could not communicate. Like you I was so terrified of letting him “win”. That was the hardest thing to let go of.

There’s no shame in accepting it’s just not going to work though. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make it work either, but you have to both be on board.

Oh love, I do feel for you.

It sounds to me like you could easily find yourself in the same place 10 years from now. Hoping against all evidence to the contrary that he'll change and shouldering a sneaking responsibility for his behaviour... If only you can find the right approach it will all be ok sort of thing. (Why do so many women do this?)

But you are not a cause of his behaviour, he chooses to do this, you can't change him and you can't cure him either.

He's a grown-up with both a tiny and a ginormous ego by which I mean it is so fragile that your disagreeing with him over say, cookie flavours, makes him feel so threatened he instantly brings out the big guns and retreats into himself. Shutting you out but letting you see he's 'fine' and unaffected behind his glass walls.

Like a small boy and possibly as one he has learned that this is how to make 'nasty stuff' go away. And very effectively too. And god knows/who cares his reasons behind this behaviour, but it is his default way of dealing and more important than either acknowledging or sorting what he puts you through when he does.

He ain't ever going to deal with the real world and a real woman and a real relationship in a way that you deserve. Is that ok? He's supposed to be your partner not your responsibility - I think its time for you to call the shots now. x

Like everyone else on this thread, I do not think your relationship is repairable. It’s time to cut your losses and head for the exit.

Please don't do what I did where people are telling you that you're being abused and you're not seeing it that way simply because he's not leaving a mark on you.

Abuse is abuse, no matter what it is. It all has the same effect in the end. So please leave while you've got the chance. Because to someone like that they just see you as desperate and have no respect for you. If you let someone continue to do that to you, they will do it and quite frankly take the royal piss and keep doing it because they feel they can get away with it.

Cut your losses OP. I feel for you, but you deserve better. Know your worth.

My god woman, just dump the man. He has zero respect for you, there is no future in this relationship.

Dear OP, so many of us have been where you are at: there is no shame in finally realising how badly we have been treated:
With regards to the stonewalling almost unanimously being called abuse: I think that's the part I'm really struggling to wrap my head around. Or perhaps don't want to admit to myself.

Please read Lundy Bancroft, & look at "The Freedom Programme".
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
You will feel less alone, & start to get the understanding & toolkit you need in order to start looking after yourself properly, & accepting that your needs are as valid as anyone else's.

You just aren’t communicating in a compatible way. You want to talk about everything, he doesn’t, it’s really as simple as that. You start banging on about the same thing over and over again (in his mind) so he shuts down because as far as he’s concerned that was days ago. You get frustrated because (in your mind) nothing ever gets sorted.

I am inclined to agree with this though without the context it's really hard to judge. We don't know what was said or whether your request to discuss things further is really about discussing things further or about keeping going with the same conversation until he agrees with you. I don't mean to malign you here but I have seen my sister do that with my other sister and with her partner. It's couched as a seemingly reasonable request to 'resolve things' but the only 'resolution she will accept is people agreeing with her/ doing things her way.

This may, of course, not be the case here but it does seem harsh to write off your OH on the basis of so little information (though I can see that people are wary that you may be being abused and that's also always something to look out for). Hence the suggestion to have therapy together if your judgement is that this relationship can potentially actually work for you.

How have you guys even managed to move into together if you have no way of talking about things? What's different at the times when you can talk? Do you think your OH is actually trying to control you or is at a loss about how to actually discuss things productively?

Please please please leave this man, and never look back.

OP, you need some time to digest what’s been said here.

You’ve been with your partner for a few years now. Can you recall any discussions that you had different opinion how to proceed and it went the way you wanted?

Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?

Loving partner is caring and supporting, not grinding down.

I've told DP time and time again that during discussions/talks/arguments, any input is better than no input. If he disagrees with me about something, I'd rather know about it. If he's quietly bubbling away under the surface with rage, then let it out, show me that emotion, give me something to work with and in turn, something for the pair of us to work through together. But he doesn't. He just retreats in to his silent bubble of ignoring me, avoiding the conversation, not giving a fuck that I'm sitting there crying.

I definitely wouldn't call myself a nag. I only bring things up as a very last resort these days because I'm aware of how he acts, so I pick and choose my battles according to what's worth the effort of the fall out that follows.

What happened on Monday though should not have escalated this far. Honestly, I don't need to go in to what it was about, but all it should've been was a simple, quick chat and nothing more. There were no accusations from me, no nagging, no judging, I just wanted to know something so simple regarding a plan that he has, but he clammed up, shut me down, stormed out the house then went to bed early and completely stopped the conversation from continuing.

This happens with anything and everything. Big or small. Something that impacts him or impacts me. It really doesn't matter what the issue is, or what I try and talk about, his response is always the same, no matter how I approach topics, no matter how gentle or extreme I am. It's always the god damn same.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I would like to say that I left my long marriage in large part due to regularly being subjected to silent treatments that went on for 6 to 8 weeks. I used to go around with a permanent knot in my stomach. Ex and I have 3 dc.

Life is so much better now, and without serious counselling I don’t think these people change.

Ex ignores all messages I send about the dc, so the silence continues, but I NO LONGER CARE. It’s a continual source of joy to me. Not walking on eggshells any more.