DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

AND THIS:

""I know I should leave and I do know I'm worth so much more. I'm a shell of the person I was when he met me, but for some reason, I just can't find the strength to leave."
Why are you a shell of your former self? Because his behaviour towards you has made you so. Why don't you have the strength to leave? Because you are a shell of your former self.

Now join that together. You cannot leave because he has behaved in a way to remove your strength, your fortitude.

Have you considered that this is the actual object of his behaviour (stopping you from leaving him) rather than just a side-effect?"

Wisest post ever, @WhereYouLeftIt

OP, on this thread you have had about 100 people telling you that you should cut your losses and leave because he won’t change. So why are you coming back on to the thread again and again to argue with the minority to have said you should keep trying? Also, people are getting hung up on what is and isn’t “controlling” or whether it is “abuse”. Definitions don’t matter, all the matters is that the relationship is not making you happy. You don’t need him certified as an abuser to move on. People break up sometimes when neither party has done anything wrong, it is allowed.
And you haven’t mentioned anything positive you get from the relationship.

Good partners adapt their behaviour and change when distress is caused. He is not doing that.

This is so,so unhealthy. No they don't always do that. Sometimes they decide that what you need is too much sacrifice of their core values and they stand their ground.

So many people are emotionally blackmailed by their partner saying "if you really loved me, you'd give this perfectly reasonable thing many people have but you don't want".

‘When one or both members of a couple refuse to communicate, this can mark the final step in the breakdown of their relationship. John Gottman characterised this stage as the fourth horseman of the Apocalypse in his cascade model of divorce prediction.[5] In his studies, "stonewalling" was overwhelmingly done by men, with women overwhelmingly using "criticism".[6] In his studies, men's physiology reached a state of arousal prior to them doing "stonewalling", while the female partner showed a physiological reaction of increased heart rate after her partner had "stonewalled" her.[6]

As stonewalling perpetuates in a relationship and becomes a continuous cycle or the negative effects of stonewalling outweigh the positive effects, stonewalling becomes the greatest predictor of divorce in a marriage. When one or both partners in a relationship stonewall, their ability to hear each other or listen to each other's disagreement, concern, side or argument, reduces their ability to engage and help address the situation. Stonewalling can be detrimental to relationships because there is often no chance for resolution of conflict.[7]

When stonewalling occurs, it has both a physiological and psychological effect on the person who is stonewalling. Physiologically, the person who is stonewalling can shut completely down, particularly when people stonewall as a self-soothing mechanism.[8] The person doing stonewalling may be aware or unaware that this is taking place, because of an increase in adrenaline due to an increase in stress, where the person can either engage or flee the situation. Because stonewalling is a physiological reaction, the stonewalling can be thought of as a fight or flight response. Psychologically, stonewalling is a defense mechanism used to preserve one's self and emotions.[9]

Other signs of stonewalling are silence, mumbling monotone utterances, changing the subject and physically removing oneself from the situation (e.g., leaving the room).[10]’

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewalling

My apologies, I wasn't aware that once advice had been given that I was no longer allowed to comment further

I'm not arguing with anyone either. It's just if you haven't lived through what I've experienced for the last 5 years, you have no idea how soul destroying it is, and it's hard to hear that what he's doing isn't controlling and that maybe I should change my tactics, despite the fact I've tried that, countless times.

Definitions don’t matter, all the matters is that the relationship is not making you happy.

This is another thing women tend to do. They think they can only leave a relationship if the person is a monster, not just because they have mismatched needs. This means if they've fallen out of love or want to leave the relationship, they often cast the person as an abuser to justify breaking up with them.

I think you'll find many of us have been in situations where we are terribly frustrated and hurt and depressed because someone isn't who we need them to be despite their proximity to our life but the reality is that we cant make them be someone that they are not.

Please keep commenting and sharing OP. The vast vast majority of us posting on here are doing so because we have experienced similar and know how hard it is to articulate and pick out what on earth is going on, when our entire emotional reality is under attack by our 'partner'.

I think what chilledbee is saying is that you are both incompatible as life partners as you cannot give eachother what the other needs. I wholeheartedly agree. And to continue in the relationship would be to continue to have your emotional reality and legitimate needs for kindness, care and reciprocity denied.

@ChilledBee you've said your piece, leave OP alone now. The rest of us want to help and you're not helping OP with your ridiculous analysing.

I'll thank you for not assuming the role of moderator and concentrate on making comments at the person requesting them, which is the OP. So many people here who think it's their job to police what other people say. So, so unhealthy in terms of understanding boundaries.

@ChilledBee I find it's so important that people know what they're talking about before they spout utter nonsense analysing and talking rubbish about their boundaries and such like on a public forum.

You course if you feel your boundaries have been overstepped please do us and yourself a favour, take control and log off..... simples!

@ChilledBee and my assuming the role of moderator is hilarious when you e assumed the role of the font of all relationship knowledge!

I agree with another poster, please keep posting OP. I'd like to know how you're getting along. I just hope that you do what you believe is right for yourself.

I should log off because you've assumed the role of a moderator and are cured tly harassing me to stop me posting? You need to back off and stop interacting with me. Now.

ChilledBee is actually very insightful and she is speaking as a real life advocate of someone in a long marriage which had severe communication issues and problems that herself and her husband have been able to work at and get through. This was posted much earlier in the thread.

The OP does not need to take her advice, nor mine, nor yours, nor anyone else’s. This is an open forum and we would all do well to remember that.

Having an argument on someone else’s thread isn’t helpful to the OP though is it.

I gave my opinion of the OP's situation which is sort of the point of the site. Now again, BACK OFF and stick to the purpose of the site which is responding to the OP. Learn to respect difference and boundaries.

I have experienced this myself, and you are right in saying,that it's heartbreaking, infuriating, and demeaning for you. If the person concerned won't or cannot,or refuses to address this kind of behavior.it may be a total brick wall situation,where nothing will ever change.

There might be underlying reasons for this awful behaviour,but unless you know of any, and can't go forward, then you have to decide whether you can stick with this kind of life, or leave.

@TwentyEight12

You're absolutely right. I will stop responding to them.

I'm personally finding chilledbees posts very aggressive. Please could the aggression be turned down?

Leave. And dont discuss it.

This was the situation I experienced:

"
DH and I had a situation where I was used to an "open house" policy where friends and family popped round whenever they were local without notice. DH has never had this sort of lifestyle and found it very oppressive. My view was that we actually work a lot so there is relatively few opportunities anyway. He agreed we both work a lot and found it even more important to protect our time alone at home.

It really nearly broke us up. I found it very controlling and he would often not hide how moody he was when we had company in the end. We sought counselling and the therapist explained to me that someone can be in an abusive situation without there being an abuser in the traditional sense. Sometimes a situation can be so intrusive and unbearable that you have all the responses and feelings of someone who was in a violent relationship. See, I become really defensive when DH would refer to it as "abusive".

Now, friends and family know that Wednesdays and Thursdays are not "drop in" days.

But my point was that I think both of us viewed the other's behaviour around this as "stonewalling". I genuinely had concerns DH was trying to isolate me from my family /friends and he genuinely believed I was trying to keep him uncomfortable/didn't respect his boundaries. We both had concerns the other was an abusive person when in fact,the impasse made the situation abusive for both of us. It didn't really make a difference - something had to change - but at least it told us that the person is still worth investment."

It took us both going to marriage counselling for dh to change his stonewalling. He isn't the best at dealing with tough issues so I tend to text him the problem/issue then we usually have a text conversation about it. His parents both stonewall each other so he learned it to deal with anything even slightly uncomfortable. He's got better. But you have to ask yourself op - do you really want to put all that effort in when he night not change?

OP-he is controlling, please ignore the posters suggesting otherwise. They are encouraging you to stay in a situation which is toxic-do not do that. He isn't going to change, he is self-centred and doesn't care enough about you to behave better. This is behaviour you cannot reasonably be expected to live with.

@Armadillostoes

The OP can leave regardless of the subjective interpretation of what constitutes inappropriate control. She can leave just because this doesn't work for her. She can leave because she wants someone else. She can leave to join the circus. He doesn't need to be a pig to justify her ending the relationship. It's really important people understand that.