You need to work on your sons behaviour

[dailyukelele]

This was said to me by his preschool. He's 3 years old. I tentatively asked what he'd done and apparently it's not kicking, punching or rudeness. It's that he won't sit down or still for group story time.

So I asked how I work on getting him to sit still. They said I need to bribe him to do something sitting like colouring that he doesn't want to do then reward him. He doesn't really get the reward system. He has no motivation to get a sticker. I tried chocolate button for sitting on the toilet when potty training and despite a love of chocolate he wouldn't do it. He's very stubborn and it does take a long time to get him to do things he doesn't want to (brush teeth, put coat on)

I said to preschool he generally has quite a short attention span going from one thing to the next often and they said it's not that, it's behaviour. They said it will be an issue at school if he doesn't learn now. I just thought he's a 3 year old active boy.

This could have been me 10 years ago! My DS wouldn't sit still for toffee, was a total fidget, ran around like crackers, yada, yada, yada!! I was always being pulled up on it by teachers (and parents!). Had the hearing tests, eye tests, etc.

Not all that much has changed but guess what? It makes diddly squat difference! He is now super sporty, has tonnes of friends, is great company and manages quite nicely at secondary school!! He's just livelier than some. Probably not as lively as others. He may also be taller than some and shorter than others. Life would be darned dull if we were all the same!

Carry on raising your boy to be kind, funny, inquisitive, etc. Society can cope with all of those characteristics (oh and thank your lucky stars he's not the class "biter"!!!).

Change his nursery. He'll be having to sit still soon enough in primary school, but nuresries - especially when kids are aged three and only just learning to co-ordibate their bodies independenetly - should be places where freedom of movement is encouraged and allowed. This isn't poor behaviour on your son's part, it's an overly-regimented childcare setting. If it's possible find him a different one. If not perhaps get him doing a dance, drama or circus class in your local area where his movement and energy will be given space to play.

He will sit still perfectly for a whole book of his choice at home, next to me on the sofa or on my lap. I'll try suggesting he sits still at preschool, it's worth a try.

The preschool is attached to a primary school. I think they are very much treating them like being in year one, but 2 years early. I'm conflicted as I want him to be a 'good boy' and not struggle in the future, but I also think they are harsh and he really doesn't get reward systems. His general speech and understanding is otherwise fine, but saying he will get something in a week is not something he gets at the moment. He is just about understanding tomorrow we are doing x or you can have x tomorrow. He doesn't get the IF you do this bit.

Is the pre-school attached to a school? This is one of the main reasons I didn’t put my youngest into the nursery that is a part of my older 2 DS’s school. My youngest is almost 4 but hasn’t been diagnosed with ASD (autism), I’m only saying that because he is the same, will get up and walk around and maybe come back to sit down if they are singing a song he likes. The school nursery would have the same attitude as your DS’s sons pre-school as they are only looking at prepping them for school. My DS does not work to anyone else’s agenda and I think ASD aside, most 3 year olds don’t regardless of needs.

I find this really sad.
Kids aren’t allowed to be kids these days 😢 they want them toeing the line as soon as they’re walking these days :-(

At that age they are meant to be getting lots of physical activity to prevent obesity ffs

Er...do they not know 3yo ffs. I'd be changing nurserys too.

For comparison mine was also attached to a school and yes there was some structure to help them in entry to school, however the teachers were very good at working in things like this and were very good at working with the children on expected behaviour which was slowly developed over the year before they went into Reception. Also even though the nursery was within a school it didn't mean that the children would get into the school there was no feeder link so it may be worth investigating this as if there is no link you can move him to a more suitable setting for him and still apply to that school and be in the same position as everyone else applying.
It sounds like normal 3 year old behaviour (EYFS) and the attention will come over time, but I would say thay attached school nurseries are very good at picking up and working with any issues of development and will apply the right support for the child to be supported which you don't usually find in an unattached pre-school.

Children aren't meant to sit still for long periods time, their minds are designed for exploring, learning etc. Its certainly not a behavioural thing at all. The nursery staff are being unreasinal. I understand that once at school they will have to sit down for periods of time, but he's not at school. Once at school, he will learn in time. The staff should be helping to encourage him to join in with story time.

Kids aren’t allowed to be kids these days
These days? When was this golden age you speak of when kids weren't taught to follow instructions? When I started school reception was far far more regimented, albeit only starting the term you were 5. Preschool (it was called playgroup but similar setup to today's church hall preschools) you had to spend the first half hour in the craft room, then everyone had milk, then free play with slides and cars and stuff, then sit down for story time. Certainly less child led than today.

No-one's expecting them to sit down for long periods. Just the odd 5 minutes for a snack or a story. My concern about the preschool is the language they used pushing everything off on the parents. The expectation of gradually working on cooperating with staff and having the concentration to listen to a story is spot on for the age group in my view. Just it's something preschool should be working on with child and parents not pushing all responsibility off onto the family and making out the child is a problem.

They sound woefully incompetent. How does a nursery miss the mark so far in relation to child development?

Bribery? Did she actually suggest bribery?! Sounds like a shit show, I'd move nursery's OP. My three year old started in an outdoor preschool a few weeks ago. They have story time but it's completely optional for the children. Some will sit and listen intently while others are too busy exploring/looks for bugs/mud-kitchening. That's how it should be at three.

I find it very sad what we're doing to our children. Why can't we just let them "be" where they're at? Why always focus on preparing for the next step? Childhood is a phase in its own right, not simply a prelude to adulthood.

I think children have always been taught and encouraged to move to the next step. In the past a lot more harshly and rigidly than now. The only difference with EYFS is it documents it.

What's not good is when people take that documentation as being a grading or judgement on the children or their families. So it's concerning this carer seems to be doing that.

"No, I took it from the section previous to that one. For 3 year olds. And quoted directly."

I can see no requirement in the 30-50 age group to sit still, which is what this nursery expects, or even to listen quietly, which is what you say you're quoting.

I think sitting for a story is an alright request. Tell him that is what they want and explain why: it is school and at story time, you sit and listen. Even through boring books. No distracting others.

However. Aside from understanding what school/rules are, and I really am not Nancy Rule Follower, WTF??? BRIBE??
NO NO NO!

That is the most ridiculous, lazy teacher remark ever. Change schools.

Story time is usually a fun thing that leads into another related activity so it is important to listen. For instance, story about bears, leaves, leads to fine motor skills coloring leaves or counting bears or something similar. Good schools usually have a lesson plan so everything works together in a fun way that teaches without unhappiness or boredom.

This is exactly what my ds was like when he was 3. He hated sitting down at group time. The difference is that this was never flagged up as an issue to me, I wasn't told that I needed to work on his behaviour and the nursery teachers used incentives to encourage him to learn the correct behaviour at group time. They were absolutely amazing! He is now 6 and had absolutely no problems at all sitting down and listening in year 2. Agree with pp, the nursery sound lazy and/or inexperienced.

Lol so my friend had a little girl who is advanced like mine so they get on well.

We looked at a preschool and I hated it as their senco sucks for advanced kids so sent her to one up the road from me. Friend sent hers there though.

All summer she was going in and having meetings about how she was just like this and how's my friend needed to get an autism assessment done urgently. Health visitor comes and watches her playing with mine (who she knows how advanced she is as she is also my health visitor). She sends her instead for a hearing test.

Nope ears are fine. Gets a new teacher and suddenly she's the teachers pet and perfect.

This week that teacher has been ill and so another teacher is taking over - she's been called in with "issues again".

She has no development, hearing or learning issues - she just has no respect for some teachers so she will misbehave.

For a three year old he sounds fine. If you are worried or want support, talk to your health visitor for an assessment. They will help you.

Sounds normal though.

thats the school system from beginning to end

its just parents of school kids dont relise it as my opinion and attitude is very popular in the home ed community here and i support groups

its obey me or orders or there is something wrong with you

kids are not allowed to develop at their own pace they must all be round pegs and if they happen to be a square peg or diffrent they expect the parent to teach the kids to conform or punish

yes i am very anti school

It's human society from end to end. I can't think of a single thing you can do that doesn't require large groups of people to follow the rules. We achieve more in large cooperative groups. Not against home ed if you have the resource but you'll still be teaching them to behave appropriately in a group setting unless you keep them out of society entirely.

Can't believe people are getting so worked up about a child being asked to sit still for 5 minutes for story time after hours of free play! The way they approached OP about it is wrong, yes, but there's nothing wrong with it as an aim in my opinion.

From what I’ve read on here, I’d never want to put a child in a school nursery. Lots seem much more rigid in their expectations. Obviously there will be some brilliant ones or children that suit the structure but it never appealed to me. My nursery has a programme of school readiness where they are getting the children used to the idea of circle time etc. They don’t expect them all to have it cracked immediately (especially the summer born boys) although mine is v compliant at nursery and is an angel for them (different at home though!).

I’d also say the thing that has made a really big different with her listening skills are sports classes. She does gymnastics and she is expected to wait her turn for equipment, listen to the coaches instructions and copy them. I really like that she’s learning these skills while being active so I don’t think you only have to try and teach concentration through colouring etc.

We had this EXACT thing with youngest, years ago . He would absolutely not sit on the capet when the others did. Anyway, we decided we would work on it at home-I do think it's worth it, as I do agree that for some children it can be a behaviour or inattention issue.

He was a little bit of a monkey for a year or two actually. He would throw a whole bookcase of books down the stairs in defiance if he was put in bed at bedtime, even after a good routine.

But he did calm down, with work from us , and he's doing ok at university now, so you will get through it.

He's too young and it's absolutely normal behaviour at that age, so don't start worrying 💐.

I would look for a more suitable place and visited 4 preschools when I was looking for my DC - two were connected to private schools and they were actually the worst by far due to staff that seemed to be irritated by the children if they didn't comply or were messy (they weren't naughty at all just so young).
Don't take anyone's word/recommendation - go and see for yourself and you will get the right feel for the atmosphere in terms of staff and happy children.

His behaviour is perfectly normal for a boy

They hate sitting down and colouring because they are active due to testosterone.

Weird nursery that can't understand boys are different to girls

There are also plenty of girls, who don't want to sit and listen to stories or just do colouring...

DS is quite active and nearly 3. He's happy to sit and listen to a story at home. At his nursery, they have story sacks with figures in to help tell the story and the children are actively involved in telling it. Perhaps suggest that they make their story time more engaging.
It's quite normal for kids that age not to sit still on the carpet for any length of time.

Not all boys are active and not all girls are quiet. One can't really blame 'testosterone' at this age. But boys on average do mature a little more slowly (verbally and socially) at that age, so expecting schoolchild standards of concentration and amenability from 3-year-olds is unfair to young children in general, but perhaps especially to boys.

There is also another worrying issue: the teacher is treating you as her employee. If she thinks that your child needs to learn to concentrate better, she could work on it with him and tell you she is doing so; perhaps even ask you if you could think of ways of helping him at home; but not tell you what you 'need to work on' and basically give you your orders. If the school is ordering parents about, one wonders what they're doing with children. It may be common for teacher to try to improve children's attention span, but not common to tell parents what they 'need to work on', unless perhaps it's something like the child biting other children.

And many people would say that using material rewards for maintaining attention at this age is questionable, as it could ultimately reduce the child's own personal motivation. Ultimately, one wants children to attend to stories and learning experiences because they're interested, not because they're getting sweets for it; and using rewards for this sort of thing too young might risk giving them the wrong attitude to listening and learning.

His behaviour is perfectly normal for a boy

His behaviour is perfectly normal for some boys and some girls.