You need to work on your sons behaviour

[dailyukelele]

This was said to me by his preschool. He's 3 years old. I tentatively asked what he'd done and apparently it's not kicking, punching or rudeness. It's that he won't sit down or still for group story time.

So I asked how I work on getting him to sit still. They said I need to bribe him to do something sitting like colouring that he doesn't want to do then reward him. He doesn't really get the reward system. He has no motivation to get a sticker. I tried chocolate button for sitting on the toilet when potty training and despite a love of chocolate he wouldn't do it. He's very stubborn and it does take a long time to get him to do things he doesn't want to (brush teeth, put coat on)

I said to preschool he generally has quite a short attention span going from one thing to the next often and they said it's not that, it's behaviour. They said it will be an issue at school if he doesn't learn now. I just thought he's a 3 year old active boy.

I don't understand why you're leaping straight from "your child needs to work on concentration and being able to sit still" to "maybe he won't be ready for school, maybe he has developmental delay".

Why not just do as the nursery has suggested and work on those skills with your child rather than catastrophising?

I would be incredibly sceptical about a nursery that confused normal developmental rates and "behaviour".

They don't really seem to be very aware of what they're doing. Is he happy apart from this?

“ The staff are obligated to follow EYFS, and pointing out that it is expected for a 3 year old to be able to listen quietly for a few minutes is just their job.”

That’s not what it says in the EYFS. I take it you’re referring to the Listening and Attention Aspect guidance at 40-60+ months that states “Maintains attention, concentrates and sits quietly during appropriate activity”.
In other words, the EYFS does not expect a child to achieve this until they are at least 3 years 4 months old and it recognises that some children won’t be ready until they are 5 years+ old.

Tanith

No, I took it from the section previous to that one. For 3 year olds. And quoted directly.

OP does he ever join the group for circle/story time?
There's a big difference between your standard hit & miss 3 yr old who has days when they listen (Even if few) and days when they are running round off the walls, and a kid who never ever ever pays attention or focuses for 5 mins on one thing.

My 3yo son is the same, his nursery have absolutely no issue with it.

Oh my gosh, OP this is my son! He is 3, very stubborn, and currently having issues sitting still (he's very excitable at the moment because he loves preschool) and he's having issues with toileting because he refuses to use the toilet.

Except the school have been so nice about it. Like, so very reassuring and willing to work with us to find something that works. They mentioned that they were using sellotape on the floor to show where he should stay for x amount of time (nothing too long at first), and tbh I've not heard anything about his attention since. Feedback so far is mostly about toileting strategies and how he loves school, is sociable etc. They have never made me feel like these are unacceptable behavioural issues.

Tbh, I'd be looking for a different preschool.

Christ they're going to put him right off school! What are they playing at?

He's in Nursery! It's been what, 3 weeks?! Nursery is to get them used to being at school. A very slow, relaxed and gentle way of getting used to a routine.

My 3 year old is July born, very little concentration (will not sit and do letters, numbers etc like his big brother did aged 3), still has a comfort blanket and a dummy for bedtime. He's in pullups (so are a couple of the other boys). All his Nursery is doing at the moment is encouraging him to use the toilet when he's friends do, and share. Even after 3 weeks he's usually dry all day, and they are apparently very pleased with him.

I can't believe they've brought this up like it's something concerning, especially if they have their own children.

Some 3 year olds sit happily for storytime, copying the children that have been at nursery for a while. Others do not. Sometimes they'll sit for a bit and then wander off because they don't understand that there is a time for free play and a time for direct teaching/interaction. It has nothing to do with bad behaviour and is something that nursery staff work on all the time, training the children for when they start school. It isn't your fault or your son's fault and there is nothing wrong with him. More to the point, it isn't a problem and teaching him what to do is part of being a nursery practitioner. I'm concerned that at this age they are making out it is a) unusual b) your fault c) your sole responsibility to "fix" it.

Oh goodness, OP, you've taken me back in time 15 years! This was said to me about my DS, although he was a couple of years older, year 1.

I said, what do you want me to do? Sit at the back of the classroom? His behaviour was not a problem at home, so how could I work to improve it?

We tried to explain to him that he must be quieter in class, but otherwise just ignored it.

He wasn't naughty as such, he just wanted to chat and make jokes with his friends all the time, and it clearly was disruptive. It continued until we decided to go private and his teacher worked out a solution with him to get it sorted.

Sounds like a crap nursery really, probably with staff that are getting their ideas from some book or something, and not staff who have small children of their own. Hundreds of small children, do exactly what your son does, as it's all quite normal at that age.

Um your 3 yo spubds like a typical 3 yo to me -it is the nursery I'm worried about ! Typical attention span is 1 minute per year of age so I'm told so your son will have a max of 3 mins attention span. As far as being stubborn you can do positive praise techniques all u like. The 'terrible 2s and 3s ' are called that for a reason!

Normal 3 year old behaviour. Your setting needs to find strategies to support the development of his listening and attention (tac toys to fiddle with while he sits, reward certificate for sitting and listening) and do that in partnership with you, not make it your total responsibility. At home you can try and spend 5 - 10 minutes, whenever you can playing games that involve turn taking. Set up a reward jar - plastic see through container, and every time he listens really well or concentrates on something for 5 minutes, pop a craft Pom Pom or cotton wool ball in. When the jar is full he gets a treat (comic, watch a favourite film). He'll get there. If he's going to Reception next year, he's got the whole academic year. With their support he will be ready - ish. Good luck.

That’s what nursery is for FFS!

School is a year away, he’s only 3 - a year is a LONG time!

If you have any more issues, speak to the manager.

They need to work on his behaviour, not you. You don't ask them to come round to your house and get him to eat all his veggies or get him to go to bed, so why should you get him to do what they feel he should be doing? I don't think sitting still and paying attention at 3 is necessarily a reasonable expectation.

My dd couldn't sit still for 3 minutes of circle time at nursery - in the end they give her a special fiddle toy to hold and kept referring to her as being full of beans which i thought was a polite way of saying we think she has ADHS, but she was fine come school age.

I agree with PPs, perhaps go and visit some other nurseries.

What a ridiculous comment.
If he is at nursery they can't be working on his behaviour or he'd be sitting still in their view.

He's 3 and sounds quite normal, tell them you will go elsewhere and why.

I'm glad I'm not alone on this!

Although yesterday he sat for story time, but apparently he was constantly touching another boy in the face Soooo he got corrected ( fair enough) and then cried. So he was in grump at collection time. I think part of this is tiredness, as it's all a bit new still.

I will ask about a toy to fiddle with at story time, but I guess that might mean everyone wants one. So they might not be keen.

I will also see about getting his eyes tested, just to rule it out.

Start spending time with him now to teach him how to focus for longer periods on one thing. He will be a disaster at school if he doesn't learn to behave just like every one else - honestly. you don't have to do anything drastic- just start small - you have a good length of time to get this right now.

We had the same comments at nursery. Son was positively angelic when he started school. They just weren’t very good at managing active children. Apparently their approach was ‘conformity’. While I’m sure some children will just do something because everyone else does it was never going to work for him. His reception teachers on the other hand were fabulous. The entire class had perfect behaviour.

Does he listen to a story with you at home?

Oh bless him, life is a adventure at 3. Surely they have the skills to captivate his attention. Is story time fun and interactive? Maybe hes bored.
I think u need to have a chat with the staff as to how they will manage this without bribery

Your son sounds like a typical 3 year old boy! My son was exactly like that. He is now 6 and has just started year 2 - he is still having to work on sitting on his backside. His teachers have been great about it and say it’s very common for boys - even in reception and year 1. It sounds far too early for your nursery to expect him to sit still!

This is probably a bit of a daft question, but have you actually told him that when he is at nursery, he needs to sit down nicely with the other children and listen to the story?

Perhaps you could just mention it every day on the way there, and hopefully it will start to sink in. As in a "Have a lovely time, and remember to sit nicely at storytime" kind of way.

I’d move him. He’s being a three year old boy!