You need to work on your sons behaviour

[dailyukelele]

This was said to me by his preschool. He's 3 years old. I tentatively asked what he'd done and apparently it's not kicking, punching or rudeness. It's that he won't sit down or still for group story time.

So I asked how I work on getting him to sit still. They said I need to bribe him to do something sitting like colouring that he doesn't want to do then reward him. He doesn't really get the reward system. He has no motivation to get a sticker. I tried chocolate button for sitting on the toilet when potty training and despite a love of chocolate he wouldn't do it. He's very stubborn and it does take a long time to get him to do things he doesn't want to (brush teeth, put coat on)

I said to preschool he generally has quite a short attention span going from one thing to the next often and they said it's not that, it's behaviour. They said it will be an issue at school if he doesn't learn now. I just thought he's a 3 year old active boy.

Dont get me started on phonics. You can find other pre schools. It s hard but they are out there. Forrest schools. Outdoor learning schools. There is latitude on how curriculum is followed. Stories can be appreciated through short input, role play etc. Sitting and passively receiving learning is bad practise.

I agree, I would move nursery. The staff are obliged to follow eyfs but some are cleverer than others in how they interpret it. These folk sound pretty dim.

Nope, not an eyfs teacher beardy, but I do know enough about child development to look at some of the tickboxes and think wtf is this nonsense

Regardless of whether sitting still for ten minutes is a reasonable expectation to have of a three-year-old, they've spoken to you like crap, and haven't actually tried to help you resolve the 'issue'.

All nurseries are different and take different approaches to early-years learning. Some are more structured and others, like my 3yo daughter's nursery, are completely child-led. And that's fine.

You guys are clearly not a good fit for this nursery.

Sitting and passively receiving learning is bad practise.

Teaching children how to listen isn’t bad practice.

Woeful stuff. And yes great latitude on how it is interpreted. One of the biggest indicators of future educational success at end of ks2 is reading for pleasure. The amount of kids i ve seen put off reading because of stupid boring books created to check phonics knowledge.... Depressing!

Sure.... How to listen. Not how to realise that their 'behaviour' will either get rewarded or punished based on sitting still. So instead of learning to engage. Instead of fostering their creativity. They sit still. Showing correct behaviour. But their mind has disconnected. They arent present anymore. And they certainly are not learning. I ve seen so so so many kids that can show this behaviour but 'the curriculum' plus bad teaching practise means it is just a 'listening' behaviour. To me this is the very opposite of learning.

BeardyButton

What tosh. Sitting still for five minutes to listen to a story does not mean your mind is ‘disengaged’ from anything. The purpose of sending your child to pre-school and then school is so they can learn. They can’t learn (at least, can’t learn a great many things) without listening. Providing the nursery day is well-structured and includes plenty of time for play, they are doing exactly the right thing here.

I despair at the complete divide between parents and educators these days. Is it because the internet has made everyone think they are an expert? Or are our educators a bit rubbish?

No it's because politicians have weaponised the curriculum in defiance of all expert opinion on how young children learn. Most early years educators do a very good job within a framework that restricts and bureaucratises them at every turn.

1. He likes "boy stuff" apparently. He's 3. You don't need to categorise activities based on sex, kids of both sexes enjoy a range of activities and plenty of boys have good concentration.

I would chat to the nursery and find out in more detail what they are seeing in his behaviour that differentiates him from his peers. Yes it's normal for a 3 year old to struggle sitting still but it's also normal to identify it as a useful thing to learn and work on it with them.

(btw I am an educator, just not an eyfs one)

My DS is like that too recently started pre school nursery he's 2yrs 6 months old he doesn't like to sit with the rest of the children for story time likes to play with toys instead thankfully the nursery said they tried to get him to sit but he got upset and distressed so they keep an eye on him instead and allow him to do his own thing I'm hoping he will adjust and start to learn to interact more with his peers he's only been going for three weeks so I'm not expecting miracles but the nursery your DS is at sound a nightmare to call that bad behaviour

Lordy. These threads always become about obfuscation and winning minor points. Clearly not all children will develop this tendency to disconnect, but I assure you a signification proportion will.
For me, its the difference between being intrinsically motivated to learn (the task is enjoyable, they want to acquire the skills) or extrinsically (they want the praise, the biscuit or to avoid being rebuked).

Yeah, the 'boy stuff' comment is pretty crazy.

Children like running, mud and snails. Dd certainly did at that age. I did too. Still do. Monster truck toys, scaelextric and off-road cycling too. As well as crafts, dressing up and dancing. Child stuff.

One problem with a comment like that is that it implies that OP choses to view the world and other people, including young children, through a self-imposed, very restrictive, lens. That in itself makes me question her observational and inferential ability so her judgement - because she's already declared that she's making no attempt to be objective.

She has her answers, her prejudices, lined up before the question of behaviour has even been asked. So her answer is always going to be 'well, he's just being a boy'. The problem is, that prejudice may prevent her from distinguishing between types of behaviour that are normal, acceptable and not so.

So, while the description sounds to me like 'normal 3yo', we don't have enough detail here to know. I'd be asking for more detail about what they expect, what is normal and how and to what extent her ds is different. Is he failing to meet developmental milestones? Meeting them a bit later? Does his inability to follow instructions make it difficult for them to keep him or other children safe? Does it result in him needing 1-to-1 care when they don't offer those ratios? Or is he just not always doing the right thing at the expected time. Etc.

He sounds exactly like my DS at that age.I am sorry that i didn't work on his attention skills and following basic instructions immediately at that age.He was very active and not at all interested on 'inside activities'.We were living in California at the time so he basically played outside all of the time and was a whizz in sports and activity based play.I thought like you that it was normal and that was him.But it did come against him in school right from the beginning.School was very difficult for him as he just could not sit still .He is a wonderful 19 year old now, works so hard and has great ambition but I do often think that I should have been more mindful of the importance of being able to sit and focus also from a very young age.It would have saved us a lot of heartache.

Clearly not all children will develop this tendency to disconnect, but I assure you a signification proportion will.

And yet they will need to learn this skill anyway, sitting and listening whether intrinsically motivated to do so or not.

And yet they will need to learn this skill anyway, sitting and listening whether intrinsically motivated to do so or not.

This.

The violence you absolutely need to work on to ensure they know it's unacceptable. Attention span I'm not really what you can do? Just have colouring supplies available if he wants too and he might start playing longer with one toy soon, not sure how you can force it. No child will have fun being forced to play with something.

And you can re-enforce good manners at home. Saying please and thank you, by example and reminding him.

I don't think this is an unreasonable expectation for a 3yo, and I'd be glad the nursery are being proactive about preparing him for school.

I don't think they're passing the buck to you to address the issue, but rather hoping you can help reinforce their efforts at home.

The nursery will most likely have far more experience of what behaviour is typical of a child of a certain age than individual parents, so if they identify your DS's behaviour as needing support I'd tend to believe them rather than getting defensive.

My 3 year old sat quietly and listened to the story today. First time he's ever done that. He also fell asleep 10 min after I collected him and they did say he did seem subdued. They know him already. This nursery sounds disinterested in the specific child and just ploughing through what they think good childcare is.

Ohhh wooow I love AIBU. I'm not defensive, I was trying to give more info about my DS. I wasn't trying to make this a girls do this v boys do this** thread. Plus he's not violent at all. The behaviour is he is disruptive as getting up to play or trying to reach toys.

I'm here asking for opinions and it's great because there are loads and not all the same. Maybe he won't be ready for school for September 2020. Maybe he's delayed now and I don't realise it? That's why I'm asking.

It doesn’t sound to me like he is delayed, as such, just that this is the next thing he needs to learn.

Look, it's very normal for age - but that doesn't mean you don't try to support their developnent. It means you work on it gently and gradually. All morning playing, the occasional request to wash your hands for snack now or come and sit on the mat for story time. With encouragement and support if they need it. I'd expect and need a 3 yr old to follow the occasional instruction at home too, particularly if they have younger siblings so parent can't always bear-lead them to do what needs doing. Learning to follow instructions is part of normal development for preschoolers. You don't just wait then magically one day they do it.

It's behaviour that's well within the normal range and that's why investigations into some SNs/SENs aren't begun until such behaviour outlies the normal range and children should have "matured out of it" especially if there isn't a range of other concerns flagging up.

Reception class is the bridge between pre-school and the more formal KS1. Even then in y1, there may be transition through the year with some play/ extra informal learning being phased out to bridge the gap. A summer born-just turned 3 year old is going to show less "readiness" for school than some of their peers in their cohort. There is plenty of evidence that there are trends of boys and girls developing different skills sets at different rates, be that by social conditioning or by something intrinsic. These gaps close with time as the difference in life experiences closes up.

It's not wrong to flag up a limited attention span/ interest in some activities, but the tone of it placing it with you, not discussing theirs/ joint strategies is unhelpful. Some of it isn't so much of an issue to resolve in a home environment anyway as the social dynamics are different. Sitting and concentrating at a table at meal times is a great start. Some children need telling firmly. Some children need coaxing. It can take time to find the most effective approach.

I've recently found out why my child does have some issues, and if I'd have known why he was a bit out of sync years ago, I wouldn't have sweated over so much small stuff and would have been more patient. That's not to say I wouldn't have tried, but I'd have had less emotion about the outcomes. Whatever their level of development, children develop at an individual rate. That can be supported, but pushing a child too hard when they are not yet ready is pretty miserable for all.