You need to work on your sons behaviour

[dailyukelele]

This was said to me by his preschool. He's 3 years old. I tentatively asked what he'd done and apparently it's not kicking, punching or rudeness. It's that he won't sit down or still for group story time.

So I asked how I work on getting him to sit still. They said I need to bribe him to do something sitting like colouring that he doesn't want to do then reward him. He doesn't really get the reward system. He has no motivation to get a sticker. I tried chocolate button for sitting on the toilet when potty training and despite a love of chocolate he wouldn't do it. He's very stubborn and it does take a long time to get him to do things he doesn't want to (brush teeth, put coat on)

I said to preschool he generally has quite a short attention span going from one thing to the next often and they said it's not that, it's behaviour. They said it will be an issue at school if he doesn't learn now. I just thought he's a 3 year old active boy.

Carpet time in Nursery should be short and full of action so the children want to come.

Try telling that to Ofsted inspectors. I told the story of Goldilocks with loads of props and joining in by the children. I had 3 sizes of bowls, spoons etc. Later we painted bears, made and ate porridge etc. But because after the children had been sitting for the story telling for 10 - 15 minutes the inspector said that I would be marked down because I did not then read the story from a book. He expected them to be able to sit for at least 30 minutes.

That’s terrible pudcat. Ofsted really don’t know what they are talking about most of the time!

Is he just 3, or 3 turning 4 and preparing for school next year?

I think they've not articulated well, and your son does sound normal, but he will be expected to do things he doesn't want to when he starts school, and to sit from time to time & focus on an activity. I would guess they are trying (clumsily) to communicate a need to work on his ability to do that.

Are there any activities he does enjoy that involve sitting and concentrating for a few mins? Puzzles, play do, stories, drawing, a sticker book etc?

I'd give them a bit of leeway on this. It's not in their interests to flag this unless they are seeing this as an area he can work on. Dont see it as a criticism etc, other kids parents are probably being encouraged to work on gross motor while your active little chap is probably streets ahead on that :)

for you OP. The nursery don't seem to have handled this very well.

Agree with what PP have said, he is three, completely normal that he would rather play than sit! When my DC started preschool at 2.5 they wouldn't sit for any length of time but as they got older, watched the other DC and learned that it was expected of them to sit and listen for a few minutes, they did get it, and could sit for 10 minutes (give or take!) by the time they left at almost 4.

Having said that, has your DS had his hearing and sight checked recently, just in case he has any issues? DS1 had very poor hearing and needed to be sitting near the front to hear what the teacher said. Once we worked that out things improved a lot!

Obviously expecting three year olds to sit still for extended periods of time is silly, and yes, they need lots of free activity and play, but if they can’t - or won’t - sit for a short period of time by that age with other children doing the same, they are not going to be ready for school at four or maybe even five. It is normal for children to be stubborn; it’s still something to work on so they can learn.

I'd find another nursery (in fact I did, for very similar reasons). Maybe look for something more child led?

My son never sat for story time at that age but it was never flagged as a behavior issue, overtime he started to sit for longer and now he's a few weeks into reception and manages to sit with his classmates the whole day just fine.

Your little boy sounds exactly like mine. He’s very stubborn (gets it from me haha) and if he doesn’t want to do something he won’t do it. We’re working on getting him more involved with group activities in nursery and his key worker is great, getting him involved and making him come sit but only for a short period, then if he wants to go off on his own again.

We’ve worked with the nursery around his behaviour and what works for him. There’s activities that will hold his attention and others he isn’t interested in, it’s trial and error to find something.
In the house we use the technique of ‘first and then’, if he wants to do something and we want him to do something else we will say first you do this and then you can do that, we always make sure he gets to do what he wanted if he does what we want. We make him wait, for example if I’m having a conversation and he wants to ask or tell me something we say ‘mummy’s talking just now you will have to wait 1 minute” we don’t actually make him wait one minute but maybe 20secs max and say, “thank you for waiting, that was really good, what was it you wanted to tell/ask me?”

This has worked really with him and really has built up his patience and attention span.

New member of staff, but my DS is new to that preschool since start of term also.

It is actually mainly girls for on his sessions.

He is 3, going to reception in September, but is a summer born child. He will be one of the youngest in the school year.

DS is not keen on puzzles, colouring or craft. He will hand paint or paint things like rocks ( make lots of mess) or mud kitchen type stuff. We do have puzzles and I do try to encourage, but he's not interested. We sit the table for all meals and he will sit for 10 minutes to eat then he is done. Likes books at home, but generally we read at bedtime unless sound books in the day.

I have no other concerns with nursery. Is just I too think he's young to be worrying. I'm not super lax on him, he does have to do things, but yes he's not keen and can take a bit of repetitive asking. He's a lovely boy, very gentle, but likes boy stuff like mud, running and snails

FFS he is three. He shouldn't be getting coerced to submit and obey and shut down his personality just yet. This is unfortunately another side effect of the modern attitude to education which is all about forcing children to be compliant serfs.

Thank you @ReanimatedSGB & hurrah for common sense & compassion x

He has had a hearing test recently all ok. He had the hearing test due to some drooling issues he had, apparently it's meant to be all linked up, but no glue ear and hearing was fine.

Not done an eye one do I just take him to a normal opticians or do I need a GP referral ?

Healthy 3-year-olds are active, and don't always want to sit still and do colouring, etc. Does 'behaviour' mean that he is disturbing others who are doing these things (which could need working-on, though at 3 it's hardly the crime of the century!) or just that he's not conforming to a timetable based to some extent on that set for children in a formal classroom?

'They said it will be an issue at school if he doesn't learn now.' It sounds as though they see nursery very much as a preparation for school, and translate this into trying to push children into acting NOW into acting as though they're schoolchildren. Some children can manage this even at 3 - especially girls, who tend to mature a bit earlier at this age. But many can't. That's why school doesn't start at 3.

It is even more worrying that they are pushing the responsibility for making children 'conform' to a school routine onto the parents.

I would try and find a new nursery. You don't want your child to start his educational career by feeling that he's failing the 'three-plus'!

I really think the language on this thread is very telling. Serfs? Robots? Submit? Compliant? Biddable?

Teaching children to do as they are asked so they can learn is good for them. Actively the best thing for them. No question about it.

3 year olds don't generally sit still, or concentrate. They're 3

Find a nursery that expects a three year old to act like a three year old.

They really do, for five or ten minutes in the company of their peers.

Our surestart centre manager used to upbraid us if our ONE YEAR OLDS didn't manage to sit still for storytime and singing. Bonkers as conkers. Move nurseries!

How is his speech and understanding?

Jesus though. Why are three year olds 'preparing for school'? Why not make 7 year olds write practice CVs, or wear suits ready for work?
Fucksake. When do they get to be children again? Is it in the womb only now?

They are preparing for school because school will require much longer periods of focus.

But by the time school starts he'll have had another 25% of his current lifespan! The school preparation obsession is bonkers. My kids nursery used to get them 'preparing' a full year early with PE and school lunches on trays etc. It's developmentally idiotic to expect three year olds to be ready for school, and it's the same misguided ideology that has surestart trying to get actual babies sitting still and listening.

They really do, for five or ten minutes in the company of their peers.

Some do. Some don't. They aren't all the same.

They are preparing for school because school will require much longer periods of focus.

And it is at school itself where they will be guided towards that. At least that is how it happened at DC's school. They didn't expect them all to sit still at tables focussing in reception, thank god.

@seaweedandmarchingbands school is not a sudden jump off a cliff from running wild to eight hours of uninterrupted lessons. It's gradual, and takes into account kids who don't attend nursery or preschool. As is right and proper, since childcare/ey education under 5 is really only to facilitate working parents.
When is playtime if not at three? I don't get playtime now, but I'm 38. That's okay (though I'd much prefer to go on the swings than hoover). I think a three year old who doesn't want to move, run, climb, explore is out of the ordinary. And it makes me sad that we are trying to regiment childhood this way.
Nursery should be for playing.

HereBeFuckery

I am well aware of that. Five minutes (or ten) sitting down isn’t compromising their ability to play. It is preparing them for a time - soon - when they will have much less time to play, and easing them in gradually. It is entirely the right thing to do.