You need to work on your sons behaviour

[dailyukelele]

This was said to me by his preschool. He's 3 years old. I tentatively asked what he'd done and apparently it's not kicking, punching or rudeness. It's that he won't sit down or still for group story time.

So I asked how I work on getting him to sit still. They said I need to bribe him to do something sitting like colouring that he doesn't want to do then reward him. He doesn't really get the reward system. He has no motivation to get a sticker. I tried chocolate button for sitting on the toilet when potty training and despite a love of chocolate he wouldn't do it. He's very stubborn and it does take a long time to get him to do things he doesn't want to (brush teeth, put coat on)

I said to preschool he generally has quite a short attention span going from one thing to the next often and they said it's not that, it's behaviour. They said it will be an issue at school if he doesn't learn now. I just thought he's a 3 year old active boy.

I love how as a society we moan about children being too sedentary while doing everything to encourage them to sit still from a young age. They sound ridiculous, he's 3, his attention span will increase with time

If he’s stubborn at home and doesn’t do what you say then he won’t do what anyone else says either. The nursery is spot on for flagging this as a parental issue to sort out - he’s 3, not 2, and next year he’ll be in Reception. The nursery has already flagged his behaviour as abnormal and you should be listening - because if he’s storming around doing what he wants and ‘being stubborn’ at 4 then he’ll get behind when the other kids begin to learn how to prepare for school.

They said I need to bribe him to do something sitting like colouring that he doesn't want to do then reward him.

That is appalling advice! TBH, I'd be looking for a new nursery. They're idiots who don't know what they're doing.

What a bloody cheek!

Change nursery, you will find that most nurseries work closely with behaviour and development , have individual monitoring and work closely with organisations regarding these things.

They should be working with you not against you x

FGS I dont work with children and have the vast experience of two dchildren but even I know that its just how 3 year olds are generally! Do they have a greater proportion of girls in their intake? Just an observation but getting little girls to sit still to do some colouring is easier than getting little boys to do that. I would be having a look around and considering other options - this nursery sounds disapproving and keen to lay down unachievable standards. You dont want your son feeling cowed and told off every time he does something that is simply normal.

It sounds like a bad nursery with an appalling attitude towards normal 3 year old behaviour. I’d move him ASAP.

TeddyBear OP's child's behaviour is not abnormal!

A lot of parents often leave ‘boisterous’ boys to it if they like running around themselves - but sit down activities like reading, colouring, puzzles etc are good for their development and essential practice for school. If they have never done it at home then a nursery is hardly going to be able to make them unless you said him in full time 5 days a week.

The nursery has already flagged his behaviour as abnormal and you should be listening

I wouldn't be listening to a nursery who thinks it's ok to bribe a child to do something they don't want to.

Get a new preschool, that's normal behaviour and their advice is awful. Who was it who said this?

Can't help thinking they are trying to enforce this for a quiet life for the staff..... the only time a child of this age should be expected to still is at lunchtime or snack time .

I think it's a bit sad that you've said that he is stubborn and has a short attention span; to me he sounds perfectly normal.

My older son wasn't motivated by rewards/bribes either. He did things in his own time and wasn't influenced by his peers. Right from toilet training to not minding at school if he was a bit different in some way. He's 20 now and is fiercely independent and does thing on his own terms.

My younger son is completely different. Loved a sticker as a reward, loves to get praise from teachers, wants to be like his friends, cares a lot about what people think. His sort of personality is easier to work with when it comes to behaviour management.

Neither is right or wrong, it's just them.
Of course when your son goes to school he will need to follow rules and at 3 he can start to learn what they are, but I really don't think his behaviour is any concern at the moment.

He sounds like my son at that age - couldn't care less about art, didn't want to sit and have his face painted (horrified at the thought) just wanted to play with the toy garage/cars/trains/anything with wheels.

They used to have tidy up time, and because he just didn't want to sit and listen to the story, he'd be allowed to bring one car, and would sit on one of the carers lap so she could gently remind him to keep quiet and listen.

Bribery didn't work with him either (he just didn't care - punishments are pointless too, unless very directly related to the issue at hand) - although he could be reasoned with from quite a young age though. So it wasn't all hard. (vs his brother who you can bargain with, but not reason with)

6 years later, he's lovely - he's polite, he can sit still and give total attention. He was just a 3 year old, who wasn't interested in being read a story (he's preferred reading to himself from as soon as he could read)

DS does full days at preschool now, but when he did half days I would sometimes arrive to collect him before story time finished. He had trouble sitting still, so was often to be found sat on his key worker’s lap, being encouraged to act along with the story with a small toy or something. Supported, in other words!

More recently I had cause to be at preschool observing him over lunchtime and he was able to sit down with the other children and engage with the story with much less support needed.

This is what should be happening here, imo. Support, not bribery!

Sitting still is one of the last physical achievements for a young child's development. It's incredibly difficult for them if they're not developmentally ready and it's how their brains work: the movement enables them to think.

They are asking you to make your child do something that's not developmentally appropriate - and it's for their benefit, not his: it's actually detrimental to him.

There is a big movement in early years education towards a Forest School type of environment. Children naturally want to run around freely and explore.
My Optician mentioned in passing that very young children need to be outside for a couple of hours a day to avoid near sightedness and myopia. Too much close work including watching screens is bad for their developing vision. Myopia is on the increase. It is important for your little one to have time outside to explore and develop healthy eye sight.
it is not natural to expect a young child to be cooped up for long periods of time on quiet , physically inactive activities.

I get that it's easier for nursery to have passive, biddable children, but at 3 nobody should be expecting children to sit still!

The general rule is to expect a child to be able to concentrate on one thing for their age number in minutes plus or minus three, so...

I'd find a nursery where children are better understood and storytime is more riveting - and I'd tell them, too, once I'd found it.

Attitude seems odd from preschool to say the least. Was it an experienced member of staff who said that to you? I'm wondering if they're either new to it and fluffed their lines, or very old school indeed. If they're always like that then I'd consider moving.

That said it does sound like you also have issues at home with getting him to do stuff promptly when you ask him as you mention with teeth brushing etc. I wouldn't make up more activities he doesn't want to do, but maybe think about how you approach it with the ones you already have.

I also have a DS who didn't get bribery or consequences at that age so sympathies! Pre warning helped with DS. "Right, teeth brushing time in 5 minutes." They don't know what 5 minutes is but it gets the idea of teeth brushing into their heads so it's not an unexpected interruption to whatever they're doing. Then a count down when we asked him to do it. "5...4...3...2..." We never actually got to 1, but I guess at 1 you bodily pick them up and take them wherever it is. If you find a strategy that works at home then you could take that back to preschool.

Also, does he listen to stories at home? I'd try to build that in if not already. It could just be nursery environment is too exciting - is he new there? Wondering if something like a fiddle toy or a teddy to cuddle might help, sitting him at the front etc. But that's the sort of thing nursery should be thinking of and trying out for themselves.

Behaviour in the sense of at least trying to follow instructions is going to be an issue at preschool/school I think. E.g. if they need to get them outside for a fire drill, every child who doesn't line up when told is going to need direct adult supervision. It's normal for some to find it difficult but it is something to be working on. Being brisk and no nonsense when things need doing at home will be helping already though, no need to make up unnecessary chores.

Is your ds going to school next year op? If he is then I think nursery are right to suggest that you work on getting him to sit still for very short periods of time. Of course his behaviour is normal but pre school books tend to take less than 5 minutes or so to read and I don't think working towards this would be unreasonable. If you're otherwise okay with the nursery, which i'm assuming you are, then moving him now would be a big over reaction imho.

My 3 year old wouldn't sit in a circle and sing French songs and his nursery told me the same as yours has told you, finishing with "He just needs to learn to conform" He's now 8 and a perfectly reasonable child who can sit at a desk for a school day. Pay no attention to them, they're talking absolute rot.

mrsmuddles I read it that the nursery are expecting him to sit nicely for a story, it's hardly a massive amount to of time. My friend works in a forest school-type environment and there the dc are still expected to do as they are told with regard to hand washing etc, they still congregate at the start of the day and at other time during get the day.

Movement is known to aid learning...

In general do you like the nursery? Does he come home talking about all the things they've learned and done?I'd agree with everyone, at that age I've always just seen kids wander about although there probably is designated time to sit. Ridiculous thing to say though so any other tell tale signs or if all the teachers are saying the same and that's the way the place works I'd take him out

I said to preschool he generally has quite a short attention span going from one thing to the next often and they said it's not that, it's behaviour.

Totally normal for a 3 year old.

Just coming on to echo some of what Teddybear said. I had a stubborn/spirited DS at this age too. He was never naughty or nasty or physical, he's good natured and funny, but he was bursting with ideas and chatter and so on and didn't always want to tow the line. I wish I'd set out clearer and firmer boundaries with him TBH. Some kids would crumble at firmer boundaries/insisting on towing the line, but some do need really clear boundaries and clear instruction of expected behaviour reiteration.

The nursery story/circle time is preparation for Reception as a PP has said, so although it's a little early in the day yet, it's wise to be aware of it rather than dismissing it out of hand as "oh he'll grow out of it/totally normal" as other PP have said. It's hard to know if nursery just want a quiet life or if your DS really does stand out for his story time behaviour beyond what would be considered usual even after taking his age into account. Personally I wish I'd insisted on sitting still at the teatable etc myself at a younger age. I didn't want to "crush his spirit" because I was a naive first-time parent but there's nothing wrong with an expected code of behaviour in terms of sitting still etc at mealtimes - it doesn't have to be shouty or confrontational but simply making the rules clear and sticking to them, and the earlier you start, particularly with stubborn/spirited kids, the better. In my humble experience.