To be jealous of men :S

[HelpImEnvious]

I’m so jealous of men.. including DH..

They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves

They don’t have so much biological changes just to become a parent

They don’t have to go through labour or pregnancy or the full time job of breastfeeding.. so their bodies don’t take a physical toll and don’t age

Their Careers and lives don’t take s hit when they deliver a baby

They don’t suffer mum guilt if they decide to pursue their lives.. because to them that’s normal.

To them age is grace and there is no biological clock... very carefree

I resent DH sleeping through the night while I have to get up breastfeed..

I love being a mum, always wanted to be, and want more kids, but It comes at such a huge cost that doesn’t seem to affect him as much.

I find myself snapping a lot because I feel annoyed at the changes I had to my social life and my career and my sleep and my overall life. Even though it was my choice.. because I feel it’s what best for my child. But I can’t help feel resentment :S

I do get a little irked with mindsets like those displayed on this thread, because they just make the issue so much worse.

So I’m right then. You are sounding triggered because you are “irked” by mindsets like mine.

Your tone is undermining and not engaging I’m afraid.

I loath the word triggered 🙄
Every time it appears on thread in a same sense like here the thread goes to hell

Your tone is undermining and not engaging I’m afraid.

How is my tone undermining and not engaging? You don't seem like you want to discuss any of the points raised throughout this thread. Instead just want an angry rant about how awful it is to be a woman and how perfect being a man is. I'm am trying to point out that if you are interested in understanding the issues at hand that that attitude is not likely to help. Why don't you answer any of the points or questions I asked in my posts to formulate an engaging discussion?
I'm sorry that you do not agree with me, as i'm getting the feeling that is why you chose to use the offensive term "triggered*

NewLevelsOfTiredness

Thank you for understanding. I guess I need to re evaluate with DH our options as perhaps he also changed his mind due to extra financial strain.

It is possibly why we are both unable to see what the other is going through.

We did make the choice together but I guess reality does seem harder once you experience it.

I guess a good sit down discussing our choices again might make me feel better.

He truly doesn’t mind. We might end up with the same conclusion but I guess re evaluating things might bring to light how much our silent sacrifices do bring to the family.

I’m massively sensitive when DH says things like “I wish I was able to stay at home like you”. Because it makes me sound like I have it easier when I don’t see it this way at all.

I guess a discussion is needed about whether we believe we made the right choice for us and whether we are both happy with it.

Oh and I'm irked because it seems pointless to start a thread on the topic and then not want to educate yourself on any issues raised. Its those mindsets that I disagree with.

To be honest, it is a bit annoying. You are literally saying that your partner is supportive of your returning to work if you wish and of putting your child into nursery, but that you feel that you would rather stay home and keep your toddler with you at home. Absolutely fair enough if you prefer that but don't act like you are a victim for having the ability to make that choice yourself (which many people don't have by the way). Complaining that the burden of childrearing falls unfairly on women while literally saying that men are biologically incapable of properly looking after a child under the age of two (which is total rubbish -- lots of healthy and happy babies are bottle/formula fed). Complaining that long hair is a faff but you don't like the look of short hair on women. It's all a bit ridiculous to me. I'd focus on deciding what it is you want for yourself and your family, and then making peace with that decision rather than acting it's been forced on you from the outside.

*I guess a good sit down discussing our choices again might make me feel better.

He truly doesn’t mind. We might end up with the same conclusion but I guess re evaluating things might bring to light how much our silent sacrifices do bring to the family.

I’m massively sensitive when DH says things like “I wish I was able to stay at home like you”. Because it makes me sound like I have it easier when I don’t see it this way at all.

I guess a discussion is needed about whether we believe we made the right choice for us and whether we are both happy with it.*

This is actually a really great thing for you to suggest. Seems like you are starting to understand how choice works and it'd be great to have an open and honest talk with your DH. As it just seems unfair to hold all that resentment against him. Specially as he doesn't seem happy with the situation either. I'd advise going in with an open mind and maybe consider that it sounds like he really would love to be at home and be with your child more, it sounds like he is feeling jealous too and for good reason. Maybe this could result in you getting back to work and him getting to be a stay at home parent?

“I wish I was able to stay at home like you”

This is like what some pps pointed out. Some man would love to stay at home with the children.

Great post @mauvaisereputation

I’m 9 months pregnant with a toddler :S, so yes of course I “prefer” to stay at home. For as long as is “needed”.

I’m massively sensitive when DH says things like “I wish I was able to stay at home like you”. Because it makes me sound like I have it easier when I don’t see it this way at all.

but YABU to dismiss his feelings. I found it much easier to be home with my baby than it is to rush back and from work! It's a personal view.

You would be much happier if you acknowledge the luxury of choice you have, and if you want to stay at home and enjoy your baby, you do.
if you find it hard, then you can work towards working on the outside.

I guess a discussion is needed about whether we believe we made the right choice for us and whether we are both happy with it.
indeed, but you need to be honest about yourself first. You can't have it both ways, and staying home when it's your own choice is a bit of a luxury.

I’m 9 months pregnant with a toddler

with all due respect, unless strong medical issue and having to start your maternity leave very early, most of us were at work when 9 months pregnant. So yes, you are lucky if you can be home!

Complaining that the burden of childrearing falls unfairly on women while literally saying that men are biologically incapable of properly looking after a child under the age of two (which is total rubbish -- lots of healthy and happy babies are bottle/formula fed)

I didn’t say they aren’t biologically capable to look after a child. I said, in my case, it made biological sense for me to be the one taking maternity leave as our child is breastfed which was a choice we both made based on our babies needs and our opinion on the topic. And based on the fact I needed tome to recover anyway.. and that after the biological factors it leads to natural other factors. I got pregnant when baby 1 was one years old. I’m not denying that this is a “choice”. But again, I made that choice based on fertility clock and our desire to have two kids. And again, it’s not anyone’s fault that I made that choice. I don’t “hate” men for it. I just think they have it easier to make choices like that without as much sacrifices.

Complaining that long hair is a faff but you don't like the look of short hair on women.

WTH That wasn’t me actually. At least check the username. And I don’t agree with it . Just wasn’t the point of this thread so didn’t dwell on it.

I’m 9 months pregnant with a toddler :S, so yes of course I “prefer” to stay at home. For as long as is “needed”.

You are very lucky you get that option. A lot of women don't have this luxury and have to work while 9 months pregnant. This is also still your choice.

I mean staying home with a toddler and the entire length of your pregnancy.. it really is a luxury.

Don't become a martyr when you have the easiest option because you chose it. Kids need a happy mum, if you reluctantly or resent breastfeed and stay home, it's not good for any of you.

No I’m sorry, it is absolutely not a luxury. But it’s something our family needs.

Calling it luxury is undermining.

I’m not denying that this is a “choice”. But again, I made that choice based on fertility clock and our desire to have two kids. And again, it’s not anyone’s fault that I made that choice. I don’t “hate” men for it. I just think they have it easier to make choices like that without as much sacrifices.

Why do you keep saying choice as "choice"? Yes, men do not have the same sacrifices than women do when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth but that is still a choice that falls pretty much all on the woman to make (your body, your choice.) So if you wanted two children but didn't want the biological sacrifices that come with it than you could have gone down the adoption road. (this is obviously an example)

What about the men who are pressured to work long hours in horrible jobs to support their wife and child because the wife doesn't want to go back to work? They are sacrificing a lot of their life for that....

Nearly all of what you're saying is about being a mother versus being a father, which is not the same as being a woman versus being a man. Sure, most women do choose - I emphasise the 'choose' - to be mothers but others do not. Also, if a woman wants to have a baby without involving a man she can do so quite easily, but for a man it's very difficult to avoid having a female partner if he wants to have a baby.

Personally, I would never ever want to be a man. I think MN can be a bit self-pitying about how awful it is to be a woman and how we're in constant pain from this or that. That's not been my experience, or that of the vast majority of women I know.

*No I’m sorry, it is absolutely not a luxury. But it’s something our family needs.

Calling it luxury is undermining.*

It is a luxury- but saying it isn't really undermines those who don't get it as an option. It's a luxury because you can afford to do it. I'm sure a lot of families need it but they don't have the financial income to afford it so if the woman happens to have a difficult pregnancy she has to struggle through a full time job while heavily pregnant. You are lucky to not be in the position

Long hair - sorry, I see that wasn't you. My mistake. But you did say that it would only work to have your husband look after the kids after they turn 2. But it's perfectly possible for men to look after babies well before age 2. After the early, crazy newborn stage (ie the first four months or so) it's definitely possible for the man to take over. Even if you want the baby to be exclusively breastfed (ie you can pump/express). Again, I completely understand if this isn't what you want. But it's a choice you and your DH are making, not something that is written in the stars.

I wish I was able to stay at home like you

I've heard this from lots of men in a slightly different context- my DH was a SAHD when the DC were small and lots of our male friends said this to him. However, all of them said for them it just wouldn't work as they earn more than their partner. I think it's easy to say when you know you're unlikely to be asked to actually do it.

On the other hand, my DH noticed that his experience of being a SAHP was not the same as that of women around him. He did do most of the housework, child care etc but got a lot of positive comments about what he did from strangers/other parents/family etc and was cut a lot of slack if he made mistakes or forgot something. The general consensus of opinion seemed to be that I was very lucky to be 'allowed' to go back to work full time and he was some sort of super parent for usually keeping on top of the housework and taking the DC to toddler groups etc. A few years later, we decided to switch roles (many reasons) and lots of family and friends etc commented on how lucky I was to be 'allowed' to stay at home and financially supported by DH. Once again he was the hero and I was 'lucky'.

I'm jealous of the way they can sometime get incredibly well paid jobs and positions in companies, despite having no relevant qualifications or experience. And also get away with being fairly shit at said jobs and not improving their skills.

e.g. this chap, former Chair of the Parole Board who resigned over the John Worboys scandal, and has a series of failed public positions behind him, has a third in English Lit from Hull University, yet is employed as, I kid you not, a "Professor of Law in Criminal Justice at the Royal Holloway University, London".

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Hardwick_(executive)

OTOH, in biological terms, the XY chromosome also carries with it greater "weakness" in terms of being prone to certain illnesses and medical conditions, which is one of the reasons men live less long than women.

@Qualcheck - I think it's rather harsh to pick on that random guy. His CV shows he's had a successful career in the voluntary sector and the wiki page shows he wasn't involved in the John Worboys decision.

lovelygreenjumper

Absolutely. It’s the little resistance they have and total freedom to make said choices. And being celebrated for it..

While we get undermined and get told how much “luxury” we are in. And should appreciate that we are at home struggling with a newborn, and keep quiet.

While we get undermined and get told how much “luxury” we are in. And should appreciate that we are at home struggling with a newborn, and keep quiet. envy

Nobody has said its a luxury to struggle with a newborn and you know that. We are saying its a luxury to spend your entire pregnancy at home and not at a full time job.