To have hit her on the back of the leg with my hairbrush

[shesgrownhorns]

Dd10, is angling for a day off. I gave her the day off on Monday because she was surrounded by snot rags and was hoarse. Some would've dosed her up and sent her in, but I'm a softie. She knows this and is today clearly swinging the lead. After listening to her loudly complaining while I'm trying to dry my hair I stopped the hairdryer and said 'You're not having a day off'. She KICKED ME and started to flounce off. I (still holding round spiky brush) swiftly administered a hard rap to her calf region using my brush. Screaming ensued. I told her she'd asked for it and that's what happens when you kick people. She didn't kick hard, but I don't think that's the point.

It's not very right on and I know I'll get flamed, but WIBU?

Discipline does not equal violence. I am strict with my kids, no hitting ever. If they do there are immediate consequences however I stay calm which shows them that you can stay calm. None of those consequences are violent.

Bigger and stronger adults, if we use violence we are modelling for them how to react.

The OP has been very apologetic and prepared to listen which is good. However the girls kick did not come out of nowhere. However you lost any of your power to tell DD that kicking was wrong the minute you retaliated.

The one thing we need adults to be is safe and secure. Above all. Kids need to be able to push against a safe boundary.

And all those saying it never did me any harm, it’s nonsense. My mum hit me with implements sometimes, and I remember every single incident. She was also a ‘softie’ and all that meant is I feel I didn’t have a strong parent. She’d give in to me and then lose it. My brothers and I had terrible physical fights, which were not stopped or intervened. Looking back it is because low level violence and hitting was normal. It was rubbish and my childhood would have been so much better if my parents had actually grown up a bit.

Some of the responses on this thread are disgusting. Hitting a child with an object is appalling behaviour. That was not self-defence, it was vindictive lashing out and as such, pretty awful. No, it isn't unforgivable, neither does it automatically mean that the parent is routinely abusive, but it isn't remotely okay.

Added to which, whilst people are keen to point out that the child's behaviour was unacceptable, I do wonder where it came from. A parent who hits a child with a hair-brush in temper MIGHT well be a parent who has used violence in front of a child before. If that is the case, then there is no point denying that she is part of the problem, and also in a weak position to try to explain why violence in the absence of danger is beyond the pale.

I was smacked as a child (this is the 70's - not that that makes it any better, but still, different times). 30 years later it all came out when I was dealing with other issues (I was having hypnotherapy). Being smacked tainted the relationship with my dad. I'm glad I went through the turmoil of therapy and, 30 years later, was able to tell why I was crying, why I wasn't sleeping etc. I didn't deserve to be smacked, no child does, ever.
Talk to your daughter, she will remember this incident when she gets older.

as a pp has said you admit you`re too soft ? maybe this is where you address that in itself with clear boundaries and consequences (such as a loss of priveledge or something) . And stick to the consequence eg if you threaten her with a consequence carry it out no ipad or something if she ignores a requset to stop doing something.

Actually lolling at some of these replies and I’m as gentle as you can get!

using a weapon 🤣🤣🤣

Take all the hysteria with a pinch of salt OP.

It’s clearly not your standard practice if you’re posting here and worrying.

Op, its wasn't great but you know that.

Please don't let your daughter take advantage of your guilt.

You sound like a perfectly normal mum.

If we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't learn.

I think there is a massive difference between administering regular beatings and a quick smack on the leg in retaliation!

I don't think this will have done her any harm at all. The lesson is, what goes around, comes around.

If she wants to a be a little shit then she needs to understand that people will react badly and possibly put her in her place.

God no wonder there are so many awful, disrespectful children around these days.

I cannot imagine what would have happened if I'd have kicked either one of my parents and yes, I'd have deserved the backlash!

Op please don’t beat yourself up about it! I remember myself being a horrible brat as a child I would kick/smack/bite I was horrible one day I hit my mum and she slapped me on the leg I can safely say I never hurt her again and it wasn’t through fear of my mum it was through realising I didn’t like someone doing it to me. I personally wouldn’t smack DS but I don’t think you having a lapse of I don’t want this to happen anymore is abuse in any way! My mother was lovely, I couldn’t cope with not getting my own way! I’m a normal functioning adult now so please don’t worry

Christ, some of these replies are making my blood boil. So hypocritical, because we all know what the reaction would've been if OP had posted her husband had lashed out in anger and hit their DD with a hairbrush.

she will remember this incident when she gets older
She might well remember being whacked by an adult a lot better than she remembers not being whacked by you all the other times. Think back to your own childhood: it's the traumatic or especially exciting experiences that stick in your memory, right? When I think of my mum's parenting, it's mainly her wild, red face as she slapped me. She wasn't a very effusive person, so I can't say I have too many super-positive memories to balance it out. She probably wasn't that bad a parent, but you remember what you remember.

How about making this a memory of that time that you did something horrid to her, but then apologised in a very big-hearted manner and showed her that even adults aren't perfect, but some have the balls to admit it and try to make amends?

Running into the road is always brought upon these threads

Agreed. It’s ridiculous. My mother also said the same thing to me about me not smacking my dd. My dd never ran off into the road. And quite frankly had she done so and I smacked her, if she did it again, she’d be less likely, not more likely to come back to me due to my reaction the first time. It’s a bit like a dog that runs off, don’t hit it when it comes back, praise it. Then train it not to run off again.

Yes YABU. That was a very petty and childish thing to do. How do you expect her to act like an adult if you cannot act like one? Dont think I have no sympathy for you... children can be really trying... but to try and pretend to yourself that this was a justified or reasoned response is ridiculous. You dont stop kids from being violent by being violent yourself... I mean what are you teaching her? That it's okay to be violent if you are really pissed off and can get away with it because you are bigger and in charge? Not a great life lesson.
I'd personally apologise to her, explain you were vry stressed and lashed put but that you understand your behaviour was not appropriate, and make a pact with her that you do not physically harm each other out of anger from this point on... and come up with a none violent consequence that she can agree to happening if she ever behaves like that again.

Sounds like a kneejerk reaction but kids have been taken into care for being hit on legs/head with a hairbrush.

It wasn't the right thing to do but I think some of the comments on here are ridiculous. It's not that big of a deal OP, just learn from it and move on.

YANBU. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Ask her if she would kick someone else who annoyed her and what she thinks could happen if she does that. Would she be surprised if they turned around and punched her in the face?

Why does she think she has the right to kick you?

I mean I totally understand that it's very stressful having kids and sometimes parents can act aggressively in the heat of the moment... if they are attacked and hurt by the child or if they are very frightened like they've just seen their child almost get hit by a car etc.... the thing is that you need to acknowledge that although that might sometimes happen and its understandable, it's not a good thing nor a useful parenting technique to lash out physically.. it's a flaw and a weakness. It's something that should be explained, apologised for, and avoided in future. And if it's happening often you need to maybe take some parenting classes or ask for professional help because it is NOT a way of coping or parenting well.
I mean these things happen... parenting is hard... but dont try and justify it, learn from it and try and do better... because honestly it's not the road to raising a happy, well behaved, well balanced adult... it's the way to give lasting emotional and behavioural problems to someone.

It's the 'you asked for it' part that is troubling. Could stick with her and carry over into abusive relationships.

Op I don’t think you have anything to worry about, it was an instant reaction to her kicking you and when you lash out at someone you have to expect that they light lash out back at you!

It’s good that you spoke to her about it and you both said sorry but don’t grovel or feel guilty.

She’s 10. What are you going to do when she is 15/16?

You need to manage her without losing your temper and resorting to physical violence.

And I’d like to see what the police would do about you hitting her in the back of the legs with a hairbrush complete overreaction on here.

Ask her if she would kick someone else who annoyed her and what she thinks could happen if she does that. Would she be surprised if they turned around and punched her in the face?
Would it also be OK for OP to punch her in the face?

Not RTFT, but as you know this isn't any good (but human to defend yourself).

You need to sit down and have a talk about being physical. Apologize again and agree that neither of you do anything like that ever again.

You set an example by your actions, you need to turn this before your dd becomes a teen. Otherwise you are really in for it.

Tweetingmagpie

It is illegal in the UK to hit a child with an implement. Implement means tool, gadget, utensil - a spiky hairbrush would come under that. So the police would speak to OP if it was reported to them and social services would be alerted. My OH works in a school where a kid was removed from his parents for being hit with a wooden spoon so, no, it's not an overreaction that society has laid down rules to protect children from abuse.

Mixed views, I kind of agree that reacting back with violence is probably not great (shows her it’s ok to hit out), but a tap on the back of the leg with a hair brush isn’t going to kill her either. I would have got the same at that age. I’m not saying it’s ok to hit a child but children seem to have a lack of discipline these days as people are worried SS will be called and they will be branded as a child abuser.

OP, it wasn’t a ideal reaction but it happened, all you can do is explain to her that violence isn’t the answer to getting her own way and that you were both wrong, she shouldn’t have kicked you and you shouldn’t have hit her with the hairbrush but maybe next time she should listen to you and do as she’s told instead of kicking up a fuss?

When I was that age, I called my mother a bitch. She cornered me in the room and slapped me round my face incredibly hard. To be fair, I didn't do it again. I'm not traumatised by what happened.