How do I change the blunt way I talk to people?

[Cuppa12345]

Posting for traffic, sorry to those that pisses off. You just don't get the same conversations going in chat or whatever.

So my husband tells me frequently that the way I talk to people is rude. I believe him and this extends to my work too. I'm a consultant and if I'm pissed off about something, it seems to take so much effort to not respond bluntly or rudely that I often just don't have the time/inclination to 'sugar coat' what I'm saying or to be diplomatic. I don't think my facial expression helps as often when I try to consider the way I'm going to say something or what I'm saying, I can look extremely stern so the person just sees that and it comes across blunt/rude anyway.

My written communication is better. I often draft emails, walk away and come back to them and consider whether I should still send it. The odd one slips through where someone has done something idiotic that I warned against and it's gone wrong, and I'm clear on the reasons why it's gone tits up but this is rare now. I often soften my responses in writing as I think it gives me more traction.

To be clear, I don't swear or shout or call people names. It's just that I don't have the time/can't be bothered to act outside of my natural preference to be blunt/rude.

I believe it has the potential to hold me back professionally. Personally, it's difficult to have a conversation about something I feel strongly about - feminism, brexit, Labour, whatever - with friends and family because I struggle to put my side across diplomatically. Deep down, I suppose I think I'm right and if people disagree with me it's because they don't understand. I know this sounds ridiculously big headed. Honestly though, I feel I've come to the right conclusion on subjects that I have considered and so if in a debate, my stern expression, blunt words and patronising tone are not doing me any favours and it undermines my position ultimately. If I don't have a strong position, I think I'm a better at debating because I don't feel as strongly and genuinely am keen to hear others opinions that are different to mine.

It also escalates seemingly innocuous discussions with my husband to major rows when really it's not that big a deal. He gets defensive when he feels attacked, and even when I'm just giving my opinion or thoughts on something, clearly the way I'm doing it makes him feel attacked, so he retaliates and on it goes until one of us storms out or whatever. Not great.

What do I do? Can any one relate and what did you do?

Can you practice looking less stern in the mirror or try to soften your tone? Try recording yourself and playing it back a few times to see how you come across
Ask a trusted friend who can be impartial with you to help as well, not necessarily your dh

"I often draft emails, walk away and come back to them and consider whether I should still send it."

"I often soften my responses in writing as I think it gives me more traction."
As you are able to be tactful and considerate when writing, maybe you need to try and count to 10 in your head before responding verbally.

I struggle too and someone on here recommended a book called The Chimp Paradox (following a situation where I was more than blunt ). I've not got all the way through but it does have techniques on managing your emotions as well as getting your point across confidently.

I have the same issue, my email communication is spot on, polite and balanced but face-to-face i can struggle to articulate myself properly and end up coming across as a right cow.

I need to have a difficult conversation with my manager at work about a specific issue but I just don't know how to do it tactfully without pissing her off in the process.

You need a strategy that works for you.

Motivation - not smoothing the way with speech will make people less likely to support you, listen to you and give you good feedback. For that alone it is worth putting the time in to consider how to frame your comments.

Can’t be bothered? Up to you but particularly as a consultant you have to be bothered. It’s not just results that count it’s fitting in.

If you know it’s a topic you can’t let go, don’t discuss it if you actually value your relationship.

If your thinking face looks like you are plotting mass murder, verbalise it, sorry I’m thinking about what you said, don’t mind my murderous expression it doesn’t match my actual feelings.

You need to do exactly what people who struggle with being assertive do, but in reverse. You need to practice what to say in advance where possible, and have a reserve of a handful of set first questions of a response for when you are caught unawares - say those phrases (things like 'I think I need to know a bit more about the situation - can you explain it to me?', which you practised saying in a way that doesn't sound aggressive or rude) and then use that time to gather your thoughts for a moment so that you can consider what to say next a bit more.

OP how long did it take you to write your post, and did you have to rewrite it? Because it reads just fine.
Personally, I prefer plain speech from other people. Sugar coating is annoying, especially if it drags a meeting out.
So I'd start with, are you sure that you are being rude and not just blunt or straight to the point? How many other people object to your straight talking?

Ex used to get defensive and blame me. I went to assertiveness classes and we did role play, and nothing I had said was rude or unreasonable. So I just carried on being me. I try not to be actively rude or sarcastic (at least not first ).

Read this article on "radical candour". According to this framework you have to give direct and honest feedback, but from a place of care. It sounds like you're missing the care part.

Honestly, it's not normal to assume you're always right. What you've written is totally obnoxious! Humans are fallible, what do you do when you inevitably do make a mistake?

Can U give some specific examples, bet your husband can think of some.

I have a similar problem at work - I treat everybody professionally but I don't sugar coat my responses, I am firm. Unfortunately some get upset by that approach and expect me to moderate my behaviour according to their "sensitivity". Personally I think they need to become more resilient, it's a workplace not a kindergarten!

Sorry OP, I don't have an answer for you.

Is that you Greta?

Leave Greta alone!

I have the same problem. OP,.i suffer from chronic resting bitch face and monotonous drawl and I talk fast and I have an opinion on everything. This. Makes. Me. Look. So. Hateful.

I would like a drama teacher or image consultant or careers person to help me, have you thought about those?

I practise smiling in the car.
Try to talk in a less agitated manner.
Ermmmm...... Dunno

I suspect (though I may be wrong) that the way you express yourself would not be seen as rude or blunt if it was coming from a male but as a woman you have to 'not upset people'.

As I say, I may be wrong, but a friend was in a similar situation (purely through work - no OH involved). There was a male colleague who agreed with the way she had summed up the situation. For a while, as an experiment, they composed each others emails whenever they could find the time to do so.

His emails for her were seen as even more aggressive than hers had been whilst he was asked why he was putting up with such shit and why didn't he tell them straight and that it wasn't like him to let someone walk over him.

They were both management consultants for the same large consultancy

Some really great tips here, thanks all.

I'm not right all the time, mood lighting. I even say that in my OP. Even my requesting help on this very issue should indicate that I'm aware of being fallible and needing to change.

In fact, I think I care 'too much'. I don't want people to do things wrong, make life hard for themselves or to get away with not caring themselves. This means I'm probably overly passionate when faced with a situation where I need to 'influence' someone. I don't think it's fair to say that I don't care personally, but I may be wrong!

I have questioned whether it's true that I'm to blame and its taken me a few years to understand exactly what it is about my approach that pisses my husband off but I've been really reflective at work and sought out feedback and it's not just him. I do think that he often falls back on this 'easy' criticism of me. Plus I always apologies when he says it and recalibrate my face or words or say 'you know me and that's just my face' so it is something that he could probably not take personally as frequently as he does.

I do often make a joke about my bluntness and I think when people get to know me it can work really well. With some people, I think it's actually helped me build relationships and confidence in my ability.

I didn't have to rewrite my OP, but I'm quite good at being reflective and honest about my own shortcomings. I certainly don't think I'm perfect 100% of the time. When people are clearly in the wrong though I have no buffer. I will def read the chimp paradox.

I’m a bit like you OP although I did a 360 recently and got surprisingly good feedback. Just wear this t shirt and smile politely www.moretvicar.com/products/im-brilliant-mens-t-shirt

I do often make a joke about my bluntness and I think when people get to know me it can work really well. With some people, I think it's actually helped me build relationships and confidence in my ability.

Hmmmm as others have said I'm not absolutely convinced there is an issue with you here. Your DH sounds really highly critical 🤔. If you were a man you would be strong minded, I'm straight talking and most people quite like me for it.

@NoisingUpNissan, I love Greta and I was being sarcastic.
Don't understand the hate at all .

Lljkk, it's hard to think of a good example. I've tried to follow a few through but difficult to explain. I'll keep trying...

It's quite common for some people to have great thinking and analytical skills, but quite poor 'soft skills'. Equally, some people have soft skills in abundance, but lack strong thinking and analytical skills. The real winners are those who have both.

We were talking about this at work today and a phrase that came to mind was 'Good leaders get people to do what they need to do. Great leaders get them to want to do it.'

I know someone who knows they are not fantastic with soft skills. Because I know them well, I can see that they are consciously smiling to soften their approach, but a lot of people would just see them as a 'smiley person'.

Can you try to personalise some of your remarks? I feel, I prefer, In my experience... those sorts of openers allow for clear communication of your views without shutting down alternatives from other people.

In fact, I think I care 'too much'. I don't want people to do things wrong, make life hard for themselves or to get away with not caring themselves. This means I'm probably overly passionate when faced with a situation where I need to 'influence' someone. I don't think it's fair to say that I don't care personally, but I may be wrong!

Would it help to think of it like this: the way you're doing things isn't the most effective way to change minds. You're much more likely to actually influence people if you don't come across as rude and blunt. You sound very logical, but you're not acting logically by saying it in the way that makes most sense to you when that isn't what has the most impact on your intended audience.

Basically, if you were someone else you'd get cross with them for doing something in a suboptimal way when you know there's a more effective way but you find it personally more effort. Thinking of it like that might help you, either by making you put the effort in to be tactful or by making you more sympathetic to the reasons why other people don't always do what you see as the obvious best thing to do!

If anyone knows Myers Briggs well, I'm a classic ESTJ...

Thanks Lisa, I think that makes total sense. Where I have put the effort in and taken that approach, it's proven effective. I just need to motivate myself to do it more regularly. Lougle, that's a really good insight too, thanks for taking the time to respond.

Hard to say this but

Are you me?

No advice but I’ve suffered from this all my life.

You have choices. You're here, on this thread, so you are clearly choosing to address your approach. About 70% of communication is body language, 21% tone and only 9% words. So when you say 'that's just my face', you're saying 'just ignore 70% of what I said you you then...'

Look at Christina Yang in Grey's Anatomy. She's a brilliant example of body language and tone.