How do I change the blunt way I talk to people?

[Cuppa12345]

Posting for traffic, sorry to those that pisses off. You just don't get the same conversations going in chat or whatever.

So my husband tells me frequently that the way I talk to people is rude. I believe him and this extends to my work too. I'm a consultant and if I'm pissed off about something, it seems to take so much effort to not respond bluntly or rudely that I often just don't have the time/inclination to 'sugar coat' what I'm saying or to be diplomatic. I don't think my facial expression helps as often when I try to consider the way I'm going to say something or what I'm saying, I can look extremely stern so the person just sees that and it comes across blunt/rude anyway.

My written communication is better. I often draft emails, walk away and come back to them and consider whether I should still send it. The odd one slips through where someone has done something idiotic that I warned against and it's gone wrong, and I'm clear on the reasons why it's gone tits up but this is rare now. I often soften my responses in writing as I think it gives me more traction.

To be clear, I don't swear or shout or call people names. It's just that I don't have the time/can't be bothered to act outside of my natural preference to be blunt/rude.

I believe it has the potential to hold me back professionally. Personally, it's difficult to have a conversation about something I feel strongly about - feminism, brexit, Labour, whatever - with friends and family because I struggle to put my side across diplomatically. Deep down, I suppose I think I'm right and if people disagree with me it's because they don't understand. I know this sounds ridiculously big headed. Honestly though, I feel I've come to the right conclusion on subjects that I have considered and so if in a debate, my stern expression, blunt words and patronising tone are not doing me any favours and it undermines my position ultimately. If I don't have a strong position, I think I'm a better at debating because I don't feel as strongly and genuinely am keen to hear others opinions that are different to mine.

It also escalates seemingly innocuous discussions with my husband to major rows when really it's not that big a deal. He gets defensive when he feels attacked, and even when I'm just giving my opinion or thoughts on something, clearly the way I'm doing it makes him feel attacked, so he retaliates and on it goes until one of us storms out or whatever. Not great.

What do I do? Can any one relate and what did you do?

You can't be bothered? - try and be bothered and see if it helps. Don't have the time? That's sheer arrogance, sorry, it's a choice,choose to be polite/kind in the little time you have like everyone else does!

I don't think this is about you being female I had a line manager v similar to you, also being aware of his struggles with this same issue, who was male.

Firstly: look at some positives. This is ime often an atrribute of people who are rather bright (academically) and driven. In my bosses case, he often failed to adapt his approach to consider that, quite simply, not everyone was as clever as him, or thought in the same very rational, logical way.

A previous poster said some thing about their unwillingness to adapt to people's "sensitivities" and that the workplace isn't a kindergarten. I partly agree with this. If you are a line manager and sometimes need to be direct in feeding back to someone who is underperforming, sometimes you need to be blunt, people may not like what they have to hear but its not your fault.

However i do think adapting is important & probably the key for you in improving. Not to pussy foot around someone who needs to be more resilient, but to be most effective, whether in terms of influencing/convincing others, or getting the most out of direct reports. Different people respond better or worse to different styles, and a very logical/rational/blunt style might work well dealing with some people but not others. My former boss ended up delegating dealing with one of my peers to me, because he was too blunt with her and it didn't get the best out of her.

Cannot wait people who "don't suffer fools gladly" sometimes are too quick to assume others are a fool just because they work in a different way, don't share an opinion etc. I get it, I'm like this, but an ability to see that you aren't always right is important.

Good post from RightYesButNo.

I agree there is a degree of arrogance about your posts. You talk a lot about being right. Are you, in fact, (usually) right? What happens when you get things wrong (as I am sure you do, from time to time, like us all)? Your posts do have a tiny whiff of 'I'm so good at what I do that I really deserve a free pass to be unpleasant, even if everyone's demanding silly, time-wasting niceness from me'. I'm also a bit , tbh, at your claim that you 'don't have the time' to be pleasant. First, that assumes that everyone else who is pleasant simply has oodles of the stuff that they are happy to waste. Second, if you fail to communicate effectively because people are stung by your attitude, you'll end up taking more time on whatever it was. And you're taking time to think and post about this now. Perhaps this suggests that you in fact don't have the time not to be pleasant.

How is it for you when people communicate with you in the same way that you communicate with them?

They say that good leadership is convincing other people that change is their idea.

Reading with interest. I am very much like this and battle with it constantly.

I have to admit that someone saying of themselves that they 'don't suffer fools gladly' makes me very wary of them, and not because I'm a fool.

I have some resources about diff MBTI types and how each one can be more effective. If I find them will post. The ESTJ type can be like turning a corner and walking into a brick wall ( I am INFP so polar opposite). I think one of my weaknesses is not seeking other peoples opinions, that is one of your strengths which you recognise (when you don't have a strong opinion).

I had this problem a lot when I first started managing so reading with interest. Don't 'do' other peoples jobs for them, the skill is stepping back from doing tasks and delegating more. Maybe develop some step by step guides for people to help them.

'Don't suffer fools gladly', like 'I just tell it like it is', is the calling card of the twat

Having attended meetings with the public I find everyone wants to be heard, often some bit extraneous piece of information, or an irrelevance to the main issue or some idea they want to suggest , which most likely will not be taken up, but if you don't allow their contribution they are much less likely to go along with the group decision in the end. Shutting down that makes little difference to the final decision but means stuff is brought over the ensuing weeks , which wastes everyone's time, so everyone needs a say to feel included.
DH knows best and has no interest in others' views, he did well in his career but I don't discuss much with him.

CatteStreet

It's less that I'm usually right, but what I mean is that when I am right, my bluntness is more pronounced and more likely to be the way I respond. When I'm wrong, or not sure, I'm not able to be blunt because I'm also working it out, discussing, trying to get to the bottom of the best course of action.

I respond really well to people who talk to me as I do others, probably unsurprisingly. In fact, the person I look up to most takes this tact with me and others but is much better at taking the time when it's needed with some personality types. This is the bit I struggle with as even when I try to adapt tone/words, my face is saying (I'm told) 'are you still talking about this?' when I'm trying hard to appear open and interested.

Ive never said I don't suffer fools gladly or just tell it like it is...

I want to be an effective leader and agree that I need to change, which is why I'm posting this in the first place. I'm quite successful at my role, have an important role, and perhaps this arrogance is something which is holding me back from real change... Although this is very much part of the gender theme. Are successful men told their arrogance is holding them back from being diplomatic enough?

OP I used to work in construction and I am well known for being quite blunt. I had to be in order to survive. If I am accused of being blunt these days [happens quite rarely] I say that I take that as a complement.

I have to stop myself from starting most emails with 'Jesus Wept/You cannot be serious you inept buffoon' these days.

Anyhow...I learnt a long time ago that the email in my head needed never be sent and it seems you have also worked that out.

With facial expressions and being blunt, I find it is best to absorb whatever it is, and to work out a question to ask rather than tell the person they are being utterly ridiculous.

If i need to respond quickly, i ask the speaker 'in what context?' and it throws it back to them whilst I quickly work out something that I can ask 'kindly' [lol] so that it doesn't look like I am Queen Bitch.

Usually, 'how is this going to impact X, Y and Z in terms of the roll out of your idea', 'Is this at the same time as A and B, and is there the ability for the team to do all at the same time', 'How will the customer react to this when we have already changed X, and have you measured impact of this already had on the processing of Y' etc etc.

Just remembered one. Being effective for ESTJs involves paying attention to processes.

Are you their manager? If not, its not your job to tell them what not to spend time on and you need to refer to their manager. I clashed with an ESTJ colleague over this.

These phrases are kind of annoying.
'You know X better than me but...' = I will acknowledge you have a view or feelings and I am dismissing them. I am trying to avoid using 'but'. If you said 'you know x better than me, it seems reasonable that we could do X, how does that sound..' see how nicer that sounds?

'I'm coming at this from a different perspective and what concerns me is' = Your perspective is invalid, let me railroad you into my way of thinking

You are the expert in your field. Just say 'what concerns me is xx', 'heres what I think is a practical solution'.

A previous poster said some thing about their unwillingness to adapt to people's "sensitivities" and that the workplace isn't a kindergarten. I partly agree with this. If you are a line manager and sometimes need to be direct in feeding back to someone who is underperforming, sometimes you need to be blunt, people may not like what they have to hear but its not your fault.

I agree with this and generally people want the truth. But it does also depend on how you say things/ demonstrate empathy and that you care for individual people in a wider sense than the workplace. Where I work a lot of people have issues with being direct so people who are underperforming are almost relieved to be told sensibly why.

There is also an element of thinking before you speak at work and picking your battles. Don't appear negative all the time that doesn't go down well and don't get embroiled in battles that are either unimportant or you aren't going to win - get your head down and do your job. Don't at team meetings be the person who has to say something about everything, make sure your contributions are positive and useful.

But tell the truth and when appropriate say exactly what you think. And there are always going to be some people you don't see entirely eye to eye with, that's normal and don't sweat it too much.

Don't suffer fools gladly', like 'I just tell it like it is', is the calling card of the twat

Well it depends who the fool is, if it's someone senior to you then it is reasonable to expect that they have a level of competence. I have had a couple of truly dreadful managers over my working life.

Also, some people are really clueless and they can be destructive on projects. If not tolerating that and giving them short shrift if needed makes me a twat then I'll wear my hat with pride.

@LisaSimpsonbff has summed it up perfectly above. Don't suffer fools gladly', like 'I just tell it like it is', is the calling card of the twat
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You sound very arrogant assuming people who don’t agree with you must be wrong.

Have you ever considered that other points of view might be equally valid?

Sounds like you need to try being more humble and a lot kinder.

I'm not sure you've fully understood my points front row street.

Also, I don't want to be kind necessarily. It's not my job to be kind. I want to be effective, and being kind won't always be effective.

The "its better to be kind than right" maxim is at the root of a lot of women's professional self esteem problems - its awful. Its fine (usually) in family situations but a total disaster for your career. I really people no longer teach female children this.

Kindness is a total irrelevance during hostile M&A for example. Or when trying to win a tender. Or, as someone said further up, in the operating theatre.

To go back to your point OP: I think the critical question with bluntness is who its directed at. If its to seniors or peers I don't see a problem with it. The ability to speak without euphemism is valuable, particularly in a high pressure environment.

Where it can be more problematic is with junior or less confident people because sometimes it can have a really amplified effect on their self confidence. I think people have a duty to make sure they are not hurting the self esteem or confidence of someone who is in learning mode.

OK, this is great advice thepeople. I think what I'm not doing at the moment is adaquately adapting for those people who are 'not in the car' when I'm done the road. And it's not because I think I'm better but because I have a different skill set or more experience. I think making allowances is something I can definitely do immediately without feeling like I'm having to submerge my natural preference for bluntness.

Do you work in health care op? Sorry if I've missed this. You've described yourself as a consultant, but that could mean anything.

I'm imagining your 'this woman is an idiot' face now

Just to add a few suggestions of how to go about softening your tone

• observe people whose communication style you admire; analyse what it is they do and try to emulate them
• role play with a friend or coach situations where you've been very blunt, or sensitive conversations that are coming up
• get a communications / presentation coach
• take a non-violent communication course
• depending on your relationship with them, possibly ask for honest feedback from people about how your style makes them feel and how they would prefer the communication to be delivered

And there you have it...

“I’m not sure you’ve fully understood my points..”

I’ve understood perfectly thank you.

Not health care exactly, no. I've been deliberately vague but I work for a large national charity. The people I support are managers of all levels, who are responsible for the safe running of services to vulnerable people.

It's a really good point by tea.
There is also an element of thinking before you speak at work and picking your battles. Don't appear negative all the time that doesn't go down well and don't get embroiled in battles that are either unimportant or you aren't going to win - get your head down and do your job. Don't at team meetings be the person who has to say something about everything, make sure your contributions are positive and useful.

I have been actively doing this over the last 5 years, and potentially at a detriment to my style of leadership as when I do make my point or pick the battle, I'm passionate and know I can add value. This might be why some people are suggesting that I think I'm always right. I don't, truly (hence the post in the first place) but when I do choose to make a comment, I'm sure it's useful and necessary to assist the person that needs assistance. When I don't know, or can't add value, or it's been said already by others or I don't have an opinion, then I'm not piping up or bulldozing over people. I wouldn't be in my role if I couldn't exercise tact in this way.

So in which case cuppa we get back to our original point of maybe there's nothing wrong with you at all. Does it seem worse in this work environment? Maybe you'd just be better off elsewhere and actually it's them?

I passionately agree with the people, anyone who achieves success has a moral duty to 'put the ladder down behind', help others etc. This is often thankless, its important though.