How do I change the blunt way I talk to people?

[Cuppa12345]

Posting for traffic, sorry to those that pisses off. You just don't get the same conversations going in chat or whatever.

So my husband tells me frequently that the way I talk to people is rude. I believe him and this extends to my work too. I'm a consultant and if I'm pissed off about something, it seems to take so much effort to not respond bluntly or rudely that I often just don't have the time/inclination to 'sugar coat' what I'm saying or to be diplomatic. I don't think my facial expression helps as often when I try to consider the way I'm going to say something or what I'm saying, I can look extremely stern so the person just sees that and it comes across blunt/rude anyway.

My written communication is better. I often draft emails, walk away and come back to them and consider whether I should still send it. The odd one slips through where someone has done something idiotic that I warned against and it's gone wrong, and I'm clear on the reasons why it's gone tits up but this is rare now. I often soften my responses in writing as I think it gives me more traction.

To be clear, I don't swear or shout or call people names. It's just that I don't have the time/can't be bothered to act outside of my natural preference to be blunt/rude.

I believe it has the potential to hold me back professionally. Personally, it's difficult to have a conversation about something I feel strongly about - feminism, brexit, Labour, whatever - with friends and family because I struggle to put my side across diplomatically. Deep down, I suppose I think I'm right and if people disagree with me it's because they don't understand. I know this sounds ridiculously big headed. Honestly though, I feel I've come to the right conclusion on subjects that I have considered and so if in a debate, my stern expression, blunt words and patronising tone are not doing me any favours and it undermines my position ultimately. If I don't have a strong position, I think I'm a better at debating because I don't feel as strongly and genuinely am keen to hear others opinions that are different to mine.

It also escalates seemingly innocuous discussions with my husband to major rows when really it's not that big a deal. He gets defensive when he feels attacked, and even when I'm just giving my opinion or thoughts on something, clearly the way I'm doing it makes him feel attacked, so he retaliates and on it goes until one of us storms out or whatever. Not great.

What do I do? Can any one relate and what did you do?

Once thing I think sometimes at work is what do I want the outcome to be and how is this making people feel? In general rudeness makes people feel bad and doesn’t get you what you want.

I'm not in the least advocating rudeness, but the problem is that women speaking directly are disproportionately perceived to be 'rude' as opposed to men using the same register.

I work on a team with a couple of people who are extremely blunt - to the point of rudeness sometimes. I am (too) very laidback so their tone doesn't really bother me but they have reduced people in work to tears.

One is male and other female and most of the team hate them both with equal measure. I think we should try to be kind in general

The easiest way for someone to accept your criticism is if they either know or think you like them. Maybe try practising smiles and arm pats? It fosters a person's feeling of being liked. Also, maybe work on vocal tone? If you sound sharp or overly loud, it upsets people; try to speak in a lower, warmer tone. But, really, the main thing is how much people like you. If they like you, it doesn't really matter what you say to them; it's the way they perceive your communication. Like... no matter how many times you tell your children off, they don't really mind because they are secure in knowing you still love them.

OP you mentioned jumping in and telling people. Can I recommend something we got taught on a course and I've started using. It's called an innerview (stay with me!)

Basically you only ask questions and can't interrupt with anything, you only speak when they've finished and then only with a question. Sure it was originally done to make the other person feel important and included but I've found it works for me in trying to curb being too blunt or coming across as too single minded probably because I have to take the time to phrase the question right. Takes time but definitely works. They got us to try it on family / friends just asking simple questions like what's been your favourite holiday destination, car, pet etc. It's a struggle to not jump in and say 'oh yeah, me too, when I went to.....' and then tell them your story instead of listening to them. I appreciate your giving direction but it can be effective.

I do love the 'on the motorway and I'm not in the car'. My husband tells me all the time that I've leapt ahead.

Those I know like you are without question the most respected, huge influencers, able to get things done at work and sometimes accomplish the most Herculean projects imaginable.

You sound to me like you are already very self aware and do know how to tone it down when you need to.

I don't see why people are leaping to conclusions about op. I don't remotely get the impression she's going about being rude or personal and excusing it as 'saying it how it is'. Just that she's too direct for some people's liking.

Eg '2+2 = 5'
Op is responding 'no, it's 4'. Not 'Jesus, your maths skills are atrocious, didn't you go to school'. And she's asking for advice on how to say 'it's 4' in a less blunt manner.

There is a difference between addressing colleagues at work about a matter where you are the authority, and discussing politics where there is no black and white, right or wrong answer.

Life is much more nuanced than you perceive it to be and your impatience is a sign that you believe other people to be inferior in Intellect or experience

Assuming people who don't agree with ypu are ignorant is, well, ignorant. In my last job there were 3 senior managers who were all very experienced and capable. One was like you
The other 2 were just as productive 6bit managed to combine that with genuine interest in other people and support for their colleagues

Following as I am the same - funnily enough I work mainly with males and the straight talking is regarded by them with affection but I have never been particularly popular with females
I have learned to fake it with females over the years but the mask often slips as I’m not very tolerant 😂

I think its pointless for people on here to debate wether or not you come across as rude or are just a woman being critised for being assertive. Without seeing your interactions its impossible to tell.

That being said ive managed people with similar difficulties. One ended up working on her assertiveness skills as she wasnt able to assert herself without coming across out right agressive and passive agressive. She came across as the last person that needed assertiveness training but actually her "rudeness" came from not having the right skills.

There are certain norms for offices and situations. Ive worked places where eye rolling was common place, where i am now it would be seen as really rude, equally in my role now its common to point out grammar mistakes where as my previous job that wouldn't be acceptable.

You need to see how others interact and what their rules are in both work and home. When people talk are they up for light hearted banter, criticism etc?

One of my old employees was consistantly deemed as rude. She made people feel that she felt her time was more important than theirs, that her view was more important etc. Her views were often correct but no one was listening because they felt undermined and angered by her.

The big win for not coming across as rude, is that being rude makes people defensive. Its a bit like shouting, you might be right in what youre shouting but 90% of people wont retain anything, stop listening and start make excuses, be on defence or attack.

If you ask people what someone shouted, they dont remember they just remember how they were made to feel. If you want to engage with people , have proper discussions, have others respect your judgement and instigate change then you have to get people to feel comfortable.

Great posts @WhoAmIToTellYou and @thepeopleversuswork

From reading the OP, she’s not actually being held back at work by her bluntness, as far as I can see - her husband has criticised her for it. Which is a different kettle of fish entirely.

I would almost bet my house that no one has ever advised a man that it’s better to be kind than right. Even the least abrasive man would laugh incredulously.

I can’t believe someone up thread advised giving arm pats

I think there is a time for blunt but it should be rarely.

For instance there is a world of difference (perceived), between 'you are so negative....' and 'perhaps you could be a bit more positive', although it's the same message.

Found what I was looking for. Needed to find anyway as I refer to it sometimes. OP this is about mbti, estj type page copied in case of use.