How do I change the blunt way I talk to people?

[Cuppa12345]

Posting for traffic, sorry to those that pisses off. You just don't get the same conversations going in chat or whatever.

So my husband tells me frequently that the way I talk to people is rude. I believe him and this extends to my work too. I'm a consultant and if I'm pissed off about something, it seems to take so much effort to not respond bluntly or rudely that I often just don't have the time/inclination to 'sugar coat' what I'm saying or to be diplomatic. I don't think my facial expression helps as often when I try to consider the way I'm going to say something or what I'm saying, I can look extremely stern so the person just sees that and it comes across blunt/rude anyway.

My written communication is better. I often draft emails, walk away and come back to them and consider whether I should still send it. The odd one slips through where someone has done something idiotic that I warned against and it's gone wrong, and I'm clear on the reasons why it's gone tits up but this is rare now. I often soften my responses in writing as I think it gives me more traction.

To be clear, I don't swear or shout or call people names. It's just that I don't have the time/can't be bothered to act outside of my natural preference to be blunt/rude.

I believe it has the potential to hold me back professionally. Personally, it's difficult to have a conversation about something I feel strongly about - feminism, brexit, Labour, whatever - with friends and family because I struggle to put my side across diplomatically. Deep down, I suppose I think I'm right and if people disagree with me it's because they don't understand. I know this sounds ridiculously big headed. Honestly though, I feel I've come to the right conclusion on subjects that I have considered and so if in a debate, my stern expression, blunt words and patronising tone are not doing me any favours and it undermines my position ultimately. If I don't have a strong position, I think I'm a better at debating because I don't feel as strongly and genuinely am keen to hear others opinions that are different to mine.

It also escalates seemingly innocuous discussions with my husband to major rows when really it's not that big a deal. He gets defensive when he feels attacked, and even when I'm just giving my opinion or thoughts on something, clearly the way I'm doing it makes him feel attacked, so he retaliates and on it goes until one of us storms out or whatever. Not great.

What do I do? Can any one relate and what did you do?

I wonder if men concern themselves with this sort of thing? Worrying about how to be 'softer' and less blunt? Doubt it

Sounds like you just don't suffer fools OP and there is nothing wrong with that

Also, wouldn't it be good if we could test objectively whether it was because I am female. I'd be interested to know if this was true but just can't see how I'll ever know for sure.

I'm very much like you OP. With the work thing, I try to not respond in the moment. Even if this means saying to someone 'I need to think about what you've said and I'll come back to you'. I avoid conversations about anything which is likely to end up in debate such as religion, politics etc as I know that my views come across very strongly.

I do think that it can also be a strength though; I think that being direct and saying what you mean is better all round and that many people are far too sensitive. But like you I'm reflective and realise that not everyone feels this way so I try to temper my natural reactions.

Would it be practical to try the teacher/ trainer rule by finding something positive to preface whatever blunt comment you want to make?

And do you think there's anything different about your vocabulary, phrasing etc when you're being positive compared to when you're not?

Eg if I'm presented with a well thought out proposal, that doesn't actually provide the solution, I respond positively in complete sentences, with whatever vocabulary is appropriate and politely draw attention to the flaws.

If it's simply a badly thought out proposal, and/ or presented in a patronising or smug manner, my natural response would be along the lines of 'fuckwit. What is this shit?'

Obviously as you can't go round saying either that or a less sweary version, I find it helps if I respond in the same full sentences as I would in the former situation.

Completely understand. I'm an ENTJ.

My bluntness has assisted in my work as I've just been given a new role where The Board want someone to ensure compliance within the company. As you said, not rude, shout or scream, just firm and like a dog with a bone to ensure it's done right.

Look at it as a positive rather than a negative but maybe learn to read the person opposite you and how they interact with you and adapt/soften accordingly by taking a breath, internal smile and then say what you have to say but allow them to respond.

I'm INTJ. I can be blunt and I always get to the core of an issue quickly. I'm a very quick thinker. As I'm getting older, I'm realising that it helps to take someone with you on the journey of your thoughts, even if you have them very quickly yourself. DH recently said to me "you've thought about where to go, got in the car and you're down the motorway before I've even got into the car!" He was communicating that I'd basically used the SBAR communication tool, but so fast that he was still pondering the situation while I had come up with a recommendation and thought it was so good we should just skip to implementing it.

the way you express yourself would not be seen as rude or blunt if it was coming from a male

this ^ sigh wot @Hecateh said

Having said that, I spent some time as a management consultant. One of the best ever courses (of the millions) I went on was called process consulting. Across the whole business, you could pretty much tell who had been through that course and who had not. It helped people to recognise the impact their style had on others and so to adjust to suit the audience.

To focus on the person with whom you are consulting, see things from their point of view and respond to them in the way that was most effective

Is there anything similar available to you?

There's a very simple way to deal with this. Before you speak ask yourself 'Is this kind?'
It's better to be kind than to be right.

I used to be like this and quite honestly I just took my head out my arse a bit and started being a nicer person. NO ONE likes that person in the group who always thinks they’re right and bulldozers the conversation with their bluntness. Instead of trying to adjust your tone just try and relax, be a bit nicer and try not to make such a big deal out of things. You need to work on your emotional reaction because if you just try and fix your tone, you won’t ever fix the underlying problem

Hi OP.

Im completely blunt and often speak before I think, it's how my whole family communicates. When I meet new people in work I tell them up front that I am blunt and that if I ever upset them by it to please let me know because it's something I'm working on.

No one is perfect and while I have now recognise that being blunt is one of my flaws I like to think I counter balance that by always smiling at people, being the first to offer help and knowing that anything I do say never comes from a 'bad place'

Watching this thread with interest.

INTJ female here. Yes you are judged more harshly for being female. It’s not going to stop though so you have to work within the system you are in. Believe it or not some assertiveness and communication styles training would help. Best things I ever did professionally. All my results and clever did not outweigh people finding me abrasive.

I’m tired btw - rereading this it is blunt! I’m worn out after a long day turning on the people skills!

I work in a client facing industry and everyone is offered soft skills training. It works really well as part of the process involves recording our interactions with colleagues and highlights areas for improvement.

Just looked up SBAR tool.

I do that without knowing it’s a thing! Not healthcare though, I wonder where it came from.

"There's a very simple way to deal with this. Before you speak ask yourself 'Is this kind?'
It's better to be kind than to be right."

That depends on the situation. If you're in an acute medical emergency, you want the person who is right, not kind. Kind could kill someone if it means not correcting an error. There is definitely a place for kindness in, say, a debrief, but at that moment, right trumps kind every time.

Do we want engineers who say nothing about the mismeasurement because they are kind? No, of course not. There is a lot to be said for positive communication skills, though.

I think there’s some great suggestions here and don’t really have much different to add, except I really admire your ability to step outside yourself and reflect. I think I need to do this sometimes too. It’s really refreshing to see someone asking something and being open to change. Hope that doesn’t sound patronising, as I say, I’m trying to do this in some areas too. Good luck with it.

My husband and I are both like this. People like him for his straight-taking personality. I'm told to tone it down. Make of that what you will.

Do you really actually want to change? I ask as I have a Director who is the most appalling person I have ever encountered in how she speaks to people. Always focuses on the negative, how something could have been done better in her mind. She told me she has had lots of negative feedback on her style over the years and has been working on it for twenty years. If this is where she is after twenty years Christ knows what she was like beforehand. Fundamentally I think she knows she's out of line a lot of the time, is a complete perfectionist that wants things her way and only her way and ultimately that overrides her manner. I don't believe she actually wants to change. She knows she should but I don't believe she wants to and I think wanting to is the core of actually managing to change any aspect of ourselves.

I"m impressed, OP, by your insight and by your willingness to try and improve. Ditto for others too.

I hope you manage to achieve what you want.

It's better to be kind than to be right

Yeah, unless you want to be successful of course. But maybe we should leave that stuff to the men while we fall over ourselves trying to be as agreeable as humanly possible. God, I wish I could get away with saying stuff like this IRL

I'm you, OP. I honestly thought I was just being animated and direct but according to most of the people I know that was coming across as aggressive. And I see it now in my family - we're all the same.
Some things that have helped me:
Pause. Before you speak. Before you frown. Before you tense. Take a breath.

Practise a poker face. I literally have 'can't read my, can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my poker face...' on repeat in my head when I'm trying not to react to something. It helps to lighten the mood in my head too...

I thought I did want to change and I know I have it in me because when I concentrate hard enough, take the time and consider my reaction I can control my preference to be blunt. It feels unnatural though and I'm exhausted by the end of it. Like writing left handed all day when your right handed.

I also think I would rather be right than kind. But I don't think I'm a horrible person. But being objectively wrong is not something I can do. And I don't work in sector that deals with life or death so I can't even use that as an excuse.

Admitting that about myself is hard though

Placemarking to glean advice.

I empathise to a point OP, I can be very direct but I have found that has enhanced me professionally. In fact, and I am a consultant too, I have had work specifically because I am very clear in what I say and do.

However I do believe the reason I am palatable is a lesson I was taught when I moved from one sector to another.

I got a very tightly timed and delivered dressing down in earlier days where I frustratedly pointed put that someone was wrong in what they did. The response I got was about choice and capacity. The person challenged me and said (I'm paraphrasing)

Ok , so they are wrong , they will get a negative consequence to their action. Fine , you have warned them of this , no why do you feel it is acceptable to try to take that choice from them?

I sort of stuttered and they carried on

It is not your right to stop someone making a wrong choice. A dangerous one...yes ok (this is elderly dementia work) but how dare you treat them as of they can't choose to learn from the consequences of their actions. You need to treat people as equals and that includes accepting it is their choice to make mistakes.

I was floored because they were right, this incident was over someone early dementia. They had full capacity, I was technically right but by insisting and being so forceful I infantilised them because I wouldn't accept that they had the right to make that choice.

It ultimately comes down to you wanting to control their actions, you say you feel passionate about not wanting them to do things wrong. You don't get to choose that. You can give information and your advice but by insisting you just want to help them be right or do x , y and a, what you actually are doing is saying , I'm better than you so I will take your choice away. Yes that will put the client off, as it should.

I'm an adult, it may be you advise me something but I choose to take the consequence of a different decision for reasons you have no idea. Patronising me or pushing it ? Yes I would not be using you again.

It's about considering respect for the other persons choices.

Until I got pulled up on it I would be like you, but I now , I am still direct. I give the options and I warn clearly of what consequences may occur but if the client chooses to continue that's their choice , and I mean it when I say it.

I found with my partner too, hes not a child , he has the right to make his own mistakes, it's not for me to decide what is right. I'll give my opinion and respect his choice

So honestly OP if you start seeing people as other adults able to make their own choices , it wont be about being direct or blunt , it will be about respecting others choice.

You can feel as right as you like about your views. However they are just that, your views. Allow others to make their own choices.

I'm not sure this is being blunt, as I say, I am blunt but it doesn't affect , more enhances my career. This is about being controlling and overstepping. When you change that I suspect you will se a change (and I say that as a mostly reformed control freak)

I used to be the same. I think I get so focused on the subject or solution that my brain cuts to the chase verbally & doesn't phrase it well. Now I think more before I speak and have go to phrases I use that defuse my bluntness : 'that's interesting, talk me through it', 'thanks for your input, I'll have a think & come back to you , ' a compromise/solution that suits everyone/solves the issue would be..... (insert obvious solution)',