How do I change the blunt way I talk to people?

[Cuppa12345]

Posting for traffic, sorry to those that pisses off. You just don't get the same conversations going in chat or whatever.

So my husband tells me frequently that the way I talk to people is rude. I believe him and this extends to my work too. I'm a consultant and if I'm pissed off about something, it seems to take so much effort to not respond bluntly or rudely that I often just don't have the time/inclination to 'sugar coat' what I'm saying or to be diplomatic. I don't think my facial expression helps as often when I try to consider the way I'm going to say something or what I'm saying, I can look extremely stern so the person just sees that and it comes across blunt/rude anyway.

My written communication is better. I often draft emails, walk away and come back to them and consider whether I should still send it. The odd one slips through where someone has done something idiotic that I warned against and it's gone wrong, and I'm clear on the reasons why it's gone tits up but this is rare now. I often soften my responses in writing as I think it gives me more traction.

To be clear, I don't swear or shout or call people names. It's just that I don't have the time/can't be bothered to act outside of my natural preference to be blunt/rude.

I believe it has the potential to hold me back professionally. Personally, it's difficult to have a conversation about something I feel strongly about - feminism, brexit, Labour, whatever - with friends and family because I struggle to put my side across diplomatically. Deep down, I suppose I think I'm right and if people disagree with me it's because they don't understand. I know this sounds ridiculously big headed. Honestly though, I feel I've come to the right conclusion on subjects that I have considered and so if in a debate, my stern expression, blunt words and patronising tone are not doing me any favours and it undermines my position ultimately. If I don't have a strong position, I think I'm a better at debating because I don't feel as strongly and genuinely am keen to hear others opinions that are different to mine.

It also escalates seemingly innocuous discussions with my husband to major rows when really it's not that big a deal. He gets defensive when he feels attacked, and even when I'm just giving my opinion or thoughts on something, clearly the way I'm doing it makes him feel attacked, so he retaliates and on it goes until one of us storms out or whatever. Not great.

What do I do? Can any one relate and what did you do?

Frontrowseat - you might think you have but truly, you haven't. It might be for a number of reasons - not reading the full thread, or skimming through quickly, I don't know. But it's not true to say that I think everyone with a different point to me is wrong and I'm right. Nothing I've written here suggests that, as far as I can see. I have written multiple times that I'm quite often not the expert or right, and I am working out the right course of action along with everyone else. There are times when I'm wrong and I don't have this problem.

However, what I'm talking about here are times when I'm objectively right and in those situations, I struggle to discuss them in a diplomatic way with people face to face because really I'm thinking... 'OK, that's all well and good BUT I can help you here and quickly. This is right, this is wrong, this can be better this way, this doesn't need to happen, ignore that, do this now and you'll solve the problem you are coming to me with'. This style of leadership is not effective and I want to be effective.

What do you do frontrowseat, out of interest? I think it would help me to consider and tailor my approach with people who approach written communication differently to me.

How you behave is under your control regardless of personality, although it might not come easily to you to behave as you should.

Have you seen this incivility poster? Now realise what you behaviour is doing to the work of your whole team. It is completely toxic. Toxic teams end up with ombudsman reviews!

People at work will not necessarily have your back and much more worryingly, people may be scarred to speak up if they are scarred of your response. Surely you have read/seen “never happen” event reviews? How often did someone in the room know something was wrong? - almost always.

There are loads of courses on all this subject matter for doctors/ healthcare providers. Get yourself on one and open your eyes to the potential for disaster you behaviour can cause. (And earn some CPD points.)

Ah ok ....so you're not subjecting patients and carers/families to your bluntness then. I'm relieved to hear that.

You mention the word 'support' in respect of the managers that you're involved with. Do you think they feel supported by you? It sounds as if they do a very difficult job themselves, as front line management of services for vulnerable people can be stressful and demanding. Do they feel more able to do their job effectively after support from you, do you think? Presumably this is what you're aiming for, with the ultimate aim of improving things for the people receiving your services?

Wear a tee shirt that says "I'm the better looking version of Jack Dee, sorry !" People will then expect a dry and direct response !

None of the advice so far helps your husband.
Being blunt at work is much more easily addressed than being blunt at home/socially. But the latter is more damaging.

I am the one who had to be careful not to be brusque at work, where I need to get things done and the right decisions had to be made.

But I find my adult daughter's bluntness really upsetting sometimes. I know she loves me very much, but her tone of voice and unconscious eye rolling can be so hurtful. It's not what she says, its how she puts it, and I really wish she could learn how to put things in a warmer way. Impatience with people you love can really damage your relationships.

I'm not sure I am better looking than Jack Dee tbh!

Wtf99 has hit the nail on the head. To be an effective leader, I need people do to their job well to benefit their service users and I need them to seek my advice and support.

Tea, I would love to think that it's a case of me being right and the organisation culture being wrong, but as I get this criticism in my personal life too from my husband and sister too sometimes, I think it's a case of me not trying enough to adapt my preferred personality type and having an unfortunate expression on my face most of the time. I think the kids call it 'resting bitch face'.

Not sure if this is relevant but I'm also quite young, relatively (late 20s). I do wonder whether my age has something to do with it as the people I'm advising are older more often than not (although probably 50/50 m:f).

The thing is, as others have said your style is counter productive, in some situations.
I managed a team and spent many years dealing with the general public in often stressful situations for them.
There was a threat of physical violence in some of these interactions.
The main thing I learned was to know your audience and gauge quickly what style would work best. Some people really appreciated being told straight, I actually liked dealing with them because it was easy. But it doesn't work with everyone. Some people put the shutters down so they aren't taking what you are saying on board. You have to put yourself in their shoes for a minute.
Objectively, my knowledge and experience meant I knew what would happen and how it would pan out but ramming it down someone's throat would potentially get my head kicked in.
I would suggest you have some training in managing conflict/dealing with challenging situations. I know you aren't in that environment but there are some really useful techniques with regard to listening skills and telling people you know better without them getting the rage.
The people who worked for me were a mixed bag and the blunt ones were always the ones who got people's backs up.
Most people want to feel they are being listened to. Sometimes sitting back and letting them express their views and acting as though you are listening-even when you know it's bullshit will get you further.
I think in your situation, you probably come across as someone who isn't listening because you have already made up your mind and it's pointless them being there.
It's really really good that you are thinking about this. You obviously have a great deal of self awareness which means you can make changes.
Winning someone over can actually be very satisfying.
Good luck!

Op.....then you are working through these managers to achieve your ends and ultimately improve the service. If you directly manage them, you could just bluntly tell them to do it your way, but they'll all hate you and probably won't do it any way and it'll all be a big mess with it looking like you were wrong in the first place... so don't do that I am being tongue in cheek here.

If your position is more of influencing them to do what you believe is the right thing then you have to understand that they will have to go through a process of getting to where you are in your thinking and that for some people that will take time. Appearing pissed off when they don't get it immediately will only make your job harder. Essentially you have to have some respect for the fact that people will have differing opinions to your own......and that's a good thing, particularly in healthcare type settings for the reasons that lucked alluded to upthread. The bombastic 'tell it like it is' approach is dangerous in health care as it stifles debate and prevents people from.saying what needs to be said, and I despair when I read on this thread the view that kindness has no place here.....of course it does....it's essential and certainly doesn't mean you have to be a pushover in getting your point across.

It would be worth your while I think to make some alliances with influential managers who respect your contribution and can help you with tbe nuts and bolts of implementing your ideas.....you need people on your side who have actual management responsibility, but you're still going to have to convince them that your idea is worth listening to....and sometimes they won't be convinced and you'll just have to suck it up and wait for your next opportunity or chalk it up to experience.

Good luck anyway.....you sound like a good person

I think whoever made the point about "picking your battles" is absolutely right.

In some cases the ability to cut through bullshit and get to the heart of an argument is invaluable and I don't believe you should tone that down. But if you use it all the time it becomes devalued and people will tune you out.

There's a very senior female manager where I work who is perpetually critical to almost everyone and its very grating. She is very good at her job and is usually right in her judgments but she puts everyone on the defensive.

For someone lower down the hierarchy (ie almost everyone) and for people with less confidence, this has a counterproductive effect because all your interactions with her become about second guessing the faults she is going to find and that has a restrictive effect.

People who encourage those lower down the career ladder to take risks and occasionally make mistakes are supporting the process of learning and growing. This can be the difference between success and failure in mentoring people. Particularly women.

I've mentored younger women before in previous jobs and sometimes you feel that you are being asked questions to which the answer is obvious or that the approach should be self-evident and it can be irritating. It's usually only self-evident to you because you've been through the learning process yourself.

It's very helpful to take a step back and say "would I have known this at three weeks into this job?".

It's helped me massively that I've previously been bullied at work by people higher up the ladder than me and come through it. I now can understand the damaging effect it can have and am able to say to myself: "it won't help anyone -- least of all myself" if I react in a way that squashes this person's ability to learn in their job.

I don't think that softening everything and speaking in euphemism is the answer. There will always be a place for directness and being able to make a point clearly. But it has to be done in a way which doesn't make more junior people feel scared to take the risks they need to take.

I think picking your battles is key here; as well as

You do understand that it’s a lot easier for most of us to be blunt and rude, right? The problem is just that we realize it makes us look like arseholes.

That, as harshly written as it is. A lot of people would rather be blunt, and in a lot of cases, it makes things clearer for people. I've worked in a few roles where I need people to do the right thing and do it well. It would be much easier to be blunt with them about what I need/what they're not doing/what's going wrong, and a bit of me thinks it'd save time for everyone, but it's not conducive to the right atmosphere and it worries people; so it often has the opposite effect. I'm not kind to be kind, that's a bit odd at work, but I'm respectful and polite and I try to take people on the journey with me so they feel they came to that idea and they know why and how we're doing something.

If it's not possible or not worth the time of doing that, I seriously consider if it's a battle worth having or if I should keep my head down for this one.

I’m like this OP. It hasn’t held me back and I don’t think it’s a bad trait but sometimes I do restrain my natural urge to give robust advice. I am a lawyer.

In meetings, I try to let ensure others speak first - I write down my points so I can cover them if they’re not covered by someone else at the end.

I don’t punch down - I try to develop/mentor those junior to me.

I give my advice and it’s up to others if they take it. If they choose to ignore it I don’t take it personally.

I take my job seriously but I don’t take myself seriously so am always up for a yarn or a laugh with colleagues.

(Have been a lawyer for 16 years and I’m much more zen than I was 10 years ago. That said zen is the LAST word my colleagues would use to describe me 😂)

It is not better to be kind than to be right (at work) WTF!

People don’t hire lawyers to be kind to them, Jesus Christ.

It is not better to be kind than to be right (at work) WTF!

I have known several people like this. The issue may be that you’re absolutely right and have got the right outcome, but if you’ve pissed off 10 people you won’t get people wanting to do favours for you in the future

I think you'll find that I didn't say that Gennz18

And the op isn't a lawyer. She works in a healthcare related setting.

Someone (a much more experienced manager than me) one told me 'other people's perceptions are their reality' and it's true.

I can be blunt and when I worked was often pulled up for being too 'to the point'
and straight talking. Also have a bit of a resting butch face. I don't work now and actually what I've found has softened me is having children (as children do not generally respond well to bluntness, ha ha!). Although I don't recommend that as a course of action if you weren't otherwise considering it!

Back to my original point, whether you intend it or not, other people will form a view of you based on your reaction to them. You get the best of out people when they feel heard and respected.

Can you practice - not being patronising - thinking before you speak? Pause, then respond. With a smile, even if you do think the person in front of you is ridiculous. If you need more time to formulate a decent reply then tell them you'll get back to them. Don't interrupt people because blunt/straight talking or not, that's just outright rude.

Wrt lawyer I was talking about my job.

The OP is a consultant. If I was paying someone for professional advice I would prefer they were right over kind.

if they can combine being right with being pleasant that’s preferable but given a choice I’ll choose right every time.

This thread is the most interesting one I’ve read on here in ages. Kudos, OP.

I am a bit like you I think. But my internalised monologue is also that everyone must like me and if they don’t, it’s my fault. I am realising how that sets me up for a lot of unnecessary angst and am following with interest.

Of course you were Gennz18 but i dont think you can really compare your role, which I presume is often combative in nature, with that of the op who provides advice to frontline managers in a charity offering services to vulnerable people.

I agree with you with regard to the right/kind thing which I don't think applies at work, if at all. I'm too keen on being right myself and I believe we are paid st work for saying what we think. Why attend the endless meetings otherwise?.

But the op isn't getting the results she wants with her current approach of bluntness is she?

I think it's pretty much always possible to say what you think at work without being a git about it and for reasons already stated, this is particularly important in a healthcare setting.

Can I suggest a communication/development tool called "Insights"? Now called Insights Discovery, I think. I used to facilitate group sessions on it - it's all about understanding your own style, then understanding others' style, then working on adapting your style (not your personality) to get the best possible results from your business interactions which, if I've understood correctly, is what you'd like to do.

One example I saw earlier in the thread was (paraphrased) "if I'm too blunt, just tell me" - because that's the way you would like to be communicated with. Others would more be able to fly to the moon than be able to do that! I don't train on it any more now, but feel free to PM me if you'd like to understand further.

I can’t help but think that a man would not be having this issue- it presents as a problem because expectations of women are different than of men.
And here we are pondering and rewriting our emails, reading self help books and tweaking our behaviour in case someone gets offended by our bluntness. Madness.
And it’s bothering me more and more as i get older. More important to be kind than right? Fuck that shit.

I did think that the op could solve the problem by self IDing as a man.

Sorry to bang on about this but I think this "its better to be kind than right" is quite troubling. We should not be instilling this in our daughters if we want to prepare them for career success.

Its true, as Shirley points out you do have to put your point across in a way that doesn't get everyone's back up or you will immediately have lost the argument. It is important to be able to communicate supportively as well as clearly.

BUT: if you're bringing your female kids up to think that kindness always trumps clarity and correctness in a work setting you are basically setting them up for roles where they take a back seat and get pushed around by more ambitious people.

These instincts (or socialisations) towards "always be kind" are lovely at home/with family/friends but at work they will be identified and manipulated by tougher and more ruthless people (quite often but not exclusively men) who have higher status and will be used to marginalise their views and knock their confidence.

Even if you're in a "caring" role in which kindness is at a premium its important in some situations to be able to stand your ground.

I think its quite dangerous to teach this to girls and we ought to stop.

Agreed entirely @WhoAmIToTellYou and @thepeopleversuswork.

You see it all the time on here, women who are absolutely not accustomed to being straightforwardly disagreed with -- and I don't mean bitchy pile-ons in AIBU which amount to bullying, I just mean threads where someone puts forward evidence for a contrary view to another poster's without going to elaborate lengths to soften their position with a lot of 'I'm not an expert, but...' and 'Well, maybe it could be argued that...'

There are times when a poster is clearly flabbergasted because she is clearly just not accustomed to a factual conversation in which being right is more important than being 'kind.' And there's a really small-minded tendency to coo 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all', or to say 'Oh, you're so judgemental' (like that was a bad thing) -- which is all very well on an internet forum, but simply does not do anyone any favours in the workplace.

In my workplace, I am the expert on X, and it's more important that I make sure that expertise is applied than that someone felt I wasn't 'kind' in a meeting.

Who said that anyway? The kind/right thing?

WTF

jamoncrumpet said upthread the OP should say this to herself before speaking to people.

I profoundly disagree.

Fine at home. Disastrous in the workplace. I would change it to "you need to get your point across, but do it in a way which brings people with you, rather than alienates them."

Doesn't trip off the tongue, but hopefully you understand the difference in emphasis.