How do I change the blunt way I talk to people?

[Cuppa12345]

Posting for traffic, sorry to those that pisses off. You just don't get the same conversations going in chat or whatever.

So my husband tells me frequently that the way I talk to people is rude. I believe him and this extends to my work too. I'm a consultant and if I'm pissed off about something, it seems to take so much effort to not respond bluntly or rudely that I often just don't have the time/inclination to 'sugar coat' what I'm saying or to be diplomatic. I don't think my facial expression helps as often when I try to consider the way I'm going to say something or what I'm saying, I can look extremely stern so the person just sees that and it comes across blunt/rude anyway.

My written communication is better. I often draft emails, walk away and come back to them and consider whether I should still send it. The odd one slips through where someone has done something idiotic that I warned against and it's gone wrong, and I'm clear on the reasons why it's gone tits up but this is rare now. I often soften my responses in writing as I think it gives me more traction.

To be clear, I don't swear or shout or call people names. It's just that I don't have the time/can't be bothered to act outside of my natural preference to be blunt/rude.

I believe it has the potential to hold me back professionally. Personally, it's difficult to have a conversation about something I feel strongly about - feminism, brexit, Labour, whatever - with friends and family because I struggle to put my side across diplomatically. Deep down, I suppose I think I'm right and if people disagree with me it's because they don't understand. I know this sounds ridiculously big headed. Honestly though, I feel I've come to the right conclusion on subjects that I have considered and so if in a debate, my stern expression, blunt words and patronising tone are not doing me any favours and it undermines my position ultimately. If I don't have a strong position, I think I'm a better at debating because I don't feel as strongly and genuinely am keen to hear others opinions that are different to mine.

It also escalates seemingly innocuous discussions with my husband to major rows when really it's not that big a deal. He gets defensive when he feels attacked, and even when I'm just giving my opinion or thoughts on something, clearly the way I'm doing it makes him feel attacked, so he retaliates and on it goes until one of us storms out or whatever. Not great.

What do I do? Can any one relate and what did you do?

Hey, I'd rather be right and kind, but if pushed I'll stick with right, tbh. But I hold, myself to the same or higher standards as others. It's not going to be an overnight fix - habits need to be cultivated. I'm certain that even small changes will make a huge difference and that will motivate you to try even harder. I don't think that you have to lose your integrity to soften the delivery a bit.

I too am you! But I totally agree that it needs to come with kindness. I have now totally accepted that I am who I am and although I am quite ‘marmity’ I have made and kept some great friends and have done really well in my career too.

So long as you’re not being an arse it shouldn’t be a problem. It’s just people’s weird perceptions of how women should be!

I have many 'customers' (used in the organisational sense) who appreciate what I do, and who give me fantastic feedback. I have some local management who do not understand what I do, try to subvert matters, and then get upset when I stand firm. My job is to be right, not kind. Kindness breeds mistakes.

I’m nothing like you OP. I tend to be very soft.

But, I appreciate your approach. As a consultant I would much rather you were blunt and didn’t bother with the niceties.

Do you think your male colleagues are on dadsnet bemoaning that they are too blunt??? Course they aren’t.

In your job: it’s far more important to be right than saying things with a nice voice

OP - It is exhausting. Especially to start with before it beds in a bit. It’s also not wrong to think like that it’s just atypical.

You can be right without crushing the person who is wrong. It’s not cage fighting . Most people take criticism of their idea/plan/solution as criticism of them as an individual. I’m guessing you don’t.

Sometimes by gentle questioning as someone talks through their terrible terrible plan they work out themselves it is a terrible plan. It does take longer. But ultimately better professionally.

Over 15 years ago I had a wonderful boss/mentor who carefully and sometimes bluntly pointed out how/where/why I was pissing people off. Like - colleague starts talking or asking something, why does your face go blank? Me - I can see where it is going and we already discussed it’s rude to butt in with the answer so I’m using up the wasted time thinking about something else. Boss - no. Just no, put on an interested face, people need to feel heard they don’t just want the answer. Me - madness. But I did it and it makes a difference.

Boss - do you know x is unhappy with you?
Me - no.
Boss - when you need information try not walking over asking your question and then walking off once you’ve got the answer. You need to do some chit chat first, and ask if it is a good time and acknowledge the answer, say something else then go back to what you were doing. Me - mind blown. But again, I did it and it helps.

I’m not saying you are as horrific as I was, but if I can turn that round to succeed - you can do it too.

I think it’s useful to think about whether being blunt/right is the pragmatic choice in a situation. There’s no point telling people the truth if you say it in a way they won’t listen to, or which will result in them not doing the thing you’re hoping for!

I think a lot about how to get difficult messages across in my job (I teach teenagers and manage teachers - both involve lots of tricky conversations!). Sometimes being blunt is really helpful, but I always think about what sort of message is going to be best received. I am more interested in getting a particular behaviour change than hammering them with truth, which may just make them angry, defensive and unresponsive. Can you try and think a little more about this before a conversation?

Lougle, I think your point about already being down the road when others aren't in the car is a really good one actually and to allow myself to be (even more) big headed for a moment, I do think that applies. I think I can process complex information very quickly and so I'm probably already halfway to the solution by the time others are mulling over the issue. I then get frustrated at their lack of speed in getting where I am with it. I think that definitely applies to me and I think a lack of patience is perhaps affecting my ability to change.

The poster who mentioned solely working on the tone not being a helpful solution is right too, I'd say. I think that is just going to come across as fake and the mask will too easily slip I imagine when tested.

A previous poster mentioned using stock phrases to buy me time to sort out my verbal response and I think that's good advice too. The more I use these, I hope the less effort it takes and the more natural it feels until it's a part of my automatic response.

No, catalogue, that is totally me. I jump in and start explaining why someone's plan is a terrible one as I don't want them to waste their time on it. I'll usually caveat it with something like 'you know X better than me but to me, it seems reasonable to... ' or 'I'm coming at this from a different perspective and what concerns me is...' but ultimately that person feels that I'm shitting on their idea.

Marking place as I’m the same

I think it also helps to try and be more empathetic.. if you are at work and giving feedback to a colleague you need to consider that you may actually be upsetting that person if you are not tactful - they might go home and spend all night thinking about there mistake because of how you delivered your message. I’ve had managers who had stock responses such as ‘can you give me a few mins to collect my thoughts on this’ to avoid such situations

Also you can use more collaborative thinking. E.g. this is the perceived issue.. how can we work to solve this. Guiding people to find their own solutions is better for both of your development IMO

Is it because you are blunt about something that needs saying, or just pointing out things that are wrong for no reason?

Are you overly critical or the annoying person who continually points out people's mistakes?

If the former then I'd say that a technique that works for me is gentle questioning. For example, if someone thinks the sky is pink, then you could ask them: mmmm why do you think that? Have you compared it to something else that's pink. What do other's think? Some people just don't respond to confrontation, and ultimately to make progress with them you need to recognise this and adapt your style to get the best out of those people.

However, you are who you are and there will be a team or career out there that will appreciate your candid view. You just need to find your people.

I used to keep the advice 'you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar' in my mind. I was never as blunt as you, OP, quite the opposite in fact, but I found this way of thinking, speaking and working to be very effective.

Awww OP, I hear you.

Building on what someone else explained in a much better way than me. It’s their time to waste. Try nodding, listening, acknowledge their plan that they have spent time on, say something good about it, and ask them something like, I didn’t see x mentioned, is that something you’ve considered in this?

You do understand that it’s a lot easier for most of us to be blunt and rude, right? The problem is just that we realize it makes us look like arseholes.

I’m a little surprised that everyone is okay with how the OP is written. You don’t have time not to be rude? It feels unnatural not to be rude? Of course it does. Because it’s easy to be rude. It’s hard to be compassionate, to care, to make extra effort. That’s why there’s such a thing as compassion fatigue. That’s why people need vacations and time alone and quiet afternoons, etc, because it’s work communicating with others. If we were all just blunt, rude arseholes to each other, it would be a lot easier and not take as much effort, no.

The fact you realize you “just don’t have the time”... Erm, where did you think the rest of us were getting the magical time to not be blunt from? I do get it. I’m naturally like that, too. But I realize that I need to respect the people that I love, like my husband and my friends, and being blunt and rude to them isn’t respect.

It’s as simple as that: you make a choice as to whether you think it’s worth the time to talk in a less blunt manner, to truly listen to people instead of just insisting your position is right, and to actually be actively involved in the type of communication that creates and grows healthy relationships.

The fact that you’ve said you’d rather be right than kind indicates that you’re not there yet. Or maybe you are and you just need to think about it and decide.

Good luck, OP. Change sucks. It’s hard and tiring, but I think it’s worth it. Maybe you’ll decide it is, too.

I think at a million miles an hour and it can look to other people that I’ve leapt to something without considering stuff. Sometimes thinking out loud, questioning takes everyone else with you and is received better than a blunt that won’t work. You know it won’t, they don’t.

I like you just the way you are.

I agree with the point @Hecateh made upthread. The way people respond to straight talking which doesn’t tie itself into knots to spare the feelings of the hearer is heavily gendered.

And while I’ve no objection to being kind, in a professional context I’d much rather be right if it’s an either/or.

Thirding the point about being down the road. Made more complex by adhd. Everyone else has been discussing x, with me doing a good impression of someone discussing x. My lack of filter noticed the car during the previous discussion, one of my numerous simultaneous tracks of thought has planned the journey and I've driven off impulsively before anyone else is aware there was going to be a journey. And I'm bemused that everyone else isn't on the same page.

Empathy or thinking about the fact they might be upset all evening really doesn't help me. I prefer blunt myself, so by beating about the bush I'm not treating them the way I like to be treated. Plus to an extent overly sensitive people don't fill me with a desire to soothe them, in fact the opposite.

Ahem. In an ideal work environment for me everyone would say what they think, being accurate and correct would be valued above niceness and efficiency would be King. All the folk like me would love it. There aren’t enough of us though. . And we would need other people to to the customer facing thing. Things that are wrong are like an itch I can’t scratch, they HURT. But for me to get on and get to do what I’m good at I have to adapt to the social conventions. It’s effort. Every day. But it pays off.

Levels of straight talking can go from calling a spade a spade and interrupting someone to call their spade a fucking shovel. Aim for spade. After they have finished their sentence.

The thing is, is you offend the people you are supposed to be communicating ideas with, at the you have lost your audience. They will be too busy being offended to process what you are saying properly . Which surely is counterproductive. So there is absolutely a good reason for speaking in a way that is less aggressive if it means your message is appreciated more effectively. It will mean more people get on board with your way of thinking which will mean your ideas can be brought to fruition with greater ease. If you are patient and your ideas have genuine merit then people will get on board with your way of thinking and actually start to think the same way so that you will reach an understanding almost without having to say very much at all,

Have any of you done Belbin profiling? You're describing shaper behaviour to an extent, along with some completer finisher and perhaps specialist.

I love working with a positive shaper - the energy is great, but those with the negative traits can be very tough to work with and potentially alienate people easily.

You need.to care more about whether the other person is hurt by the way you say something. You also.need some humility.

If you only care that they don't make a mistake then that is pretty arrogant. Occasiomally that may be right and you may be wrong. As I often tell.my son who has ASD,
'people can do things in different ways, we are all different and that is Ok'

Also ask yourself how often you change your mind about sowmthign or happily acquiesce if someone is very blunt with you and tells you that you must change your ways?

I'm often told I'm hard. But I would rather tell someone straight than faff around. I try hard not to but always revert to type as I don't suffer fools gladly. I would rather folk would see I'm hard and not take advantage of me, than them get one over on me. Underneath though I'm very sensitive and would hare anyone to get mad with me. When someone is rude to me, I'm rude back. I work in a factory setting with 98% men, maybe that's it?