To let my husband make a big decision, as I am struggling to know what's best for my own daughter?

[LittleBeansMum]

My DD is 9 months and we've been having trouble with getting her to sleep. She always slept well in her cot, until the 4-month sleep regression hit, and since then she has been in bed with me while DH sleeps downstairs in our spare room. We gave in one particularly bad week around 4 months, and she hasn't slept in her cot properly since.
I don't mind the co-sleeping particularly, (although I'm looking forward to having our bed back one day!!) but the part I find really hard is the hours between when DD goes to sleep and when I do, because I really miss having evenings with my husband, and having to go up to feed her back to sleep several times in a 2-hour period is starting to really effect how I'm feeling (not
to mention the quality of her sleep!)

I'm currently at home all day, and very much enjoying it, but need an hour to myself of an evening (or during one if DD's naps in the day) where DD doesn't wake up, and I can just be "me" for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I'm just winding down, when I hear her over the baby monitor, and it's really starting to get to me.

I've been looking at how to to get DD sleeping back in her cot again, and I keep coming back to control crying, which is something I thought I'd never do. I really dread the thought of listening to her cry, and I'm worried that it will make her not feel as close to me or something.

But what I'm finding the hardest is that I'll talk to one person and become convinced by their opinion, and then another person who thinks the opposite and I'll start to think the opposite view is a good idea so I'm constantly switching between "but I see what they mean" and "they've got a point there" and "let's do it like this...it worked for so and so" and then when I get to the point where someone says "well you'll just have to do what's right for you and DD" I just want to dissolve into a pile of tears because I no longer know what's right for her. I have read so many articles and heard so many personal anecdotes that my brain is fried, and I can't see the woods for the trees.

I got to the point where I just blurted all this out to my DH and said "here's all the pro's for this and all the cons for that etc." and just told HIM to make the decision, and he said that he thought we should go down the controlled crying route. And I was totally ready to do it it (knowing that my husband is better at making decisions without letting emotions get in the way than I am), and then my SIL was talking about how when her daughter was 2 she just said "I'm ready to sleep in a big bed now, mummy" and so she never needed to do "any of that crying". And I suddenly felt like I was back where I started.

I don't know how to tell my husband that having told him to make the decision, I still feel as confused as ever. I don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but I've also heard of women who suffered from pnd after the guilt of doing controlled crying and because I feel so close to the edge myself, I'm scared that if I stay this tired for too long I run that risk, or if I go down the controlled crying route and then regret it that it might push me over the edge. I'm normally so level-headed, but with this I am changing my mind about 100 times a week and it's starting to be all I think and read about, which can't be healthy!

How do you work out what is right for your child when you can't even think straight? Everyone seems to think I should have an instinct....but it changes all the time! Should I just trust my husband to make the right decision seeing as I can't, as he knows all the factors involved?

I made the same mistake letting my eldest in bed when she was a few weeks old, and couldnt get her to settle in her cot again. I was still staying at my mums having had quite bad post natal depression and I was still a bit unsure of everything so she made the decision for me to let her cry. She literally had to stand in front of me to stop me going to her the first few nights. It was awful at the time and I felt a bit resentful towards my mum. It didnt take long to realise it had been for the best though and she knew what she was doing. Second time round I had no problem with the same method and I'd do it all over again as hard as it was. Its the quickest easiest solution in my opinion. Good luck whatever you decide, parenting is hard and there often isnt a right or wrong as such, more trial and error.

I personally couldn’t do the control crying method. I’ve read much about the damaging effects of high cortisol and how it affects the brain wiring and don’t feel like being in a separate room feels natural.
Although my little one is 15 months and asleep next to me so I mean, sometimes it’s just not about you. I get that it’s hard I work from home mostly and do struggle with zero time to myself, little one has always been super clingy and teethed from 5 months non stop it seems. I just couldn’t put her through that. It’ll get better one day though. Right?

My daughter didnt sleep properly until she was three.I made a few poor decisions out of desperation which prolonged everything.This included her being in bed with me.The problem for me as a light sleeper meant I was sleep deprived therefore not the best mum during the day.I moved her to her own room and initially lay on the floor next to her.After a few weeks I moved further towards the door until I was back in my own bed.The problem I created was when breastfeeding she would fall asleep on me.It means when they wake they cant resettle themselves.Vital to try to have a routine where baby is put in the cot awake.When they wake go in and comfort them but no talking and very low key ,no noise.Water instead of milk and no night feeds.I gave mine a supper which helped

I would suggest that partner goes in there in the evening to settle her back to sleep

That way it will break the feed to sleep routine while still giving her the comfort of knowing someone is there she will fall asleep quickly once she knows

It is never nice to hear babies cry but I have realised with the benefit of experience that my babies only really cried if they were hungry or tired. Point 1 was was easy but point 2 far harder. My second child would get into a right tizz if she was overtired. No amount of rocking, singing, cuddling etc would help until she actually slept. Sometimes me trying to help just seemed to annoy her more and she just needed to get on with it. I’d have not had the confidence to deal with my second if she’d been first. I think you do often become more hardened to crying once you’ve had a toddler.

I couldn't do the controlled crying. My ds co slept basically from about 4 months until he was about 19 months. He never liked his cot even when we took the side off for it to be a bed. So we went and bought him a big single bed. Which he loves. And fortunately has slept in since because I had my dd 4 months ago, just after ds 2nd birthday, and it has been much easier with him in his own bed. He does still come in and sleep with me sometimes, mostly if he wakes at a ridiculous time and I'm too tired to put him back to bed. Do what works for your family. Lots of luck.

OP, please remember you don't have to be the perfect parent. You literally have to abuse and neglect your children to fuck them up. All you have to be is a good enough mother. Weirdly being too attentive is almost as bad (loads of new research coming out about this atm).

You do what you need to do. Try controlled crying, give yourself 3 nights and see what happens. If it does work great and if it doesn't there won't be any harm done and you can try something else.

People get on their soapbox when it comes to parenting, especially on online sites. Take everything with a pinch of salt (but google good enough parent on google scholar and read some journal articles if you want to feel better about not having to always make the right decision, your good enough is good enough).

Weirdly being too attentive is almost as bad (loads of new research coming out about this atm).
Link the research then? OP has a young baby, under a year old. A baby actually is entirely dependent on its parents. Teaching independence and letting children make mistakes is appropriate for older children. (They still don't need to be left to manage their own distress by the way.)