To let my husband make a big decision, as I am struggling to know what's best for my own daughter?

[LittleBeansMum]

My DD is 9 months and we've been having trouble with getting her to sleep. She always slept well in her cot, until the 4-month sleep regression hit, and since then she has been in bed with me while DH sleeps downstairs in our spare room. We gave in one particularly bad week around 4 months, and she hasn't slept in her cot properly since.
I don't mind the co-sleeping particularly, (although I'm looking forward to having our bed back one day!!) but the part I find really hard is the hours between when DD goes to sleep and when I do, because I really miss having evenings with my husband, and having to go up to feed her back to sleep several times in a 2-hour period is starting to really effect how I'm feeling (not
to mention the quality of her sleep!)

I'm currently at home all day, and very much enjoying it, but need an hour to myself of an evening (or during one if DD's naps in the day) where DD doesn't wake up, and I can just be "me" for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I'm just winding down, when I hear her over the baby monitor, and it's really starting to get to me.

I've been looking at how to to get DD sleeping back in her cot again, and I keep coming back to control crying, which is something I thought I'd never do. I really dread the thought of listening to her cry, and I'm worried that it will make her not feel as close to me or something.

But what I'm finding the hardest is that I'll talk to one person and become convinced by their opinion, and then another person who thinks the opposite and I'll start to think the opposite view is a good idea so I'm constantly switching between "but I see what they mean" and "they've got a point there" and "let's do it like this...it worked for so and so" and then when I get to the point where someone says "well you'll just have to do what's right for you and DD" I just want to dissolve into a pile of tears because I no longer know what's right for her. I have read so many articles and heard so many personal anecdotes that my brain is fried, and I can't see the woods for the trees.

I got to the point where I just blurted all this out to my DH and said "here's all the pro's for this and all the cons for that etc." and just told HIM to make the decision, and he said that he thought we should go down the controlled crying route. And I was totally ready to do it it (knowing that my husband is better at making decisions without letting emotions get in the way than I am), and then my SIL was talking about how when her daughter was 2 she just said "I'm ready to sleep in a big bed now, mummy" and so she never needed to do "any of that crying". And I suddenly felt like I was back where I started.

I don't know how to tell my husband that having told him to make the decision, I still feel as confused as ever. I don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but I've also heard of women who suffered from pnd after the guilt of doing controlled crying and because I feel so close to the edge myself, I'm scared that if I stay this tired for too long I run that risk, or if I go down the controlled crying route and then regret it that it might push me over the edge. I'm normally so level-headed, but with this I am changing my mind about 100 times a week and it's starting to be all I think and read about, which can't be healthy!

How do you work out what is right for your child when you can't even think straight? Everyone seems to think I should have an instinct....but it changes all the time! Should I just trust my husband to make the right decision seeing as I can't, as he knows all the factors involved?

I don't think there's a right or wrong way here - lots of people say sleep training saved their sanity and lots of others never sleep train and don't regret that choice either. Everyone, and every child, is different. If your DH is onboard with helping with the controlled crying then why not give it a go? Even if it's not for you, at least you know you've given it a shot.

Controlled crying wasnt seen as such a big deal with my first 2. Cant say they ever felt I wasnt there for them and it only took a few months. Babies do tend to get overtired and cry just before they drop off during the day too Youngest ended up co sleeping for ages, was fibe as a baby but started with night terrors and it was just easier. I'd say let Dad gave a go, stick the telly on loud and see what happens

I'm not as opposed to controlled crying as a lot of other people are, though for me it wouldn't work as she has never self settled through crying.

I'm a firm believer that you need to keep yourself sane. Most of the things people feel too guilty to do with a baby won't actually do them much harm in the long run and are not worth pushing yourself over the edge for - for example, she will not feel less close to you if you change your approach. It may be hard and certain methods may not work, but regardless, she will be fine.

What strikes me as the main problem is it sounds like you are doing it all by yourself, do you breastfeed? If so, have you tried expressing, or even formula? I was unable to breastfeed due to low supply so have always split the feeds with my partner and I honestly think I would have lost my mind if I'd done every single feed since she was born, and she'd also woken more as yours does. If you are feeling as on the edge as you say then I would seriously consider switching to formula. And if you are not breastfeeding, why is your partner not helping more?

It took a few months to work??

We did pick up put down. Took three nights. I can tell you more if you wish. Whatever you want to do is okay. Those saying they never had to do all that crying are just cruel and smug. Ignore.

You need to google the scientifically proven risks of controlled crying.

Especially under 1 year old.

We did the pick up put down method which seemed the kindest of 'sleep training' methods. I would give DD her bedtime feed (she fed to sleep) then pop her in her cot and keep contact with her until she settled (hands on back/bum/legs) if she didn't settle i would take her out, cuddle her then try again. It was very frustrating at times and i would sometimes cave and 'feed' her again. Once she was asleep, and night wakings would be DP's turn, she would settle much quicker for him and sleep longer, he would occassionally offer water if she didn't settle. If i thought she was hungry, i would feed her, but it gradually reduced until she was only waking for a feed and happy to go back into her cot and resettle. This was 2 years ago but i remember the frustration, exhaustion and emotional strain vividly, i feel your pain

Thehop - there is also scientific research that shows no evidence of emotional harm from controlled crying (see link). As the OP is finding, it's not something that everyone agrees on!

pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/130/4/643

OP - stop canvassing opinions - how you get your baby to sleep is not a democracy. If you're paralysed with indecision, I think it's fine for DH to take this parenting decision

If controlled crying is going to work, it generally only takes three or four nights to do so. A bit of crying for three or four nights is not going to cause long-lasting harm in a child that is loved and cared for. It's just not. There's no research to say it does either, the only research is about long-term emotional neglect day and night. There's actually research that shows sleep-trained babies end up less stressed than ones with poor sleeping habits (and of course parents are less stressed too)!

That said, there are plenty of gentler sleep training methods you could try first. A lot of people only go for CC when they've tried other things first.

I sympathise as I need my evenings to decompress. DD is in bed at 6.30 every night and I hope that doesn't change as I need those hours to myself every day!

Hi - I'd just start transitioning her back to the cot with a firm time frame of one week. And stick to it.
Day 1: do several play sessions in room with the cot. Role play putting a doll etc to sleep in thr cot. Lots of positive stuff about thr cot place.
Day 2: same as above plus start popping out briefly and extending your absence a bit more
day 3: take the plunge and try a day time nap in the cot, when she cries leave it 5 mins then pop back, reassure and leave.
day 4-6 extend the time to return post crying. Allow to self soothe. Minimise eye contact at sleep time. Be a bit more business like. Carry on day time naps. Reward for settling with special play.
Day 7: go for it, night sleep.

Reading your thread I can see that you are tired and worn down. You are doubting your self. I can only go on experience. When my second baby was 6 months he would wake constantly in the night. I was so so tired. He was too as Babies need sleep. I plodded on for a while until a routine visit to a health visitor. She commented on how tired I looked and I told her. She looked and me and said you are the adult. You need to have a good sleep to be able to think probably and make decisions and a tired you is no good for your baby. She was right. She suggested controlled crying and although I was concerned I tried it and in less than a few days my baby was sleeping back through the night. The difference in not just me but my baby was amazing and for me it worked. I felt like I was back in control of my life and in turn had a happy baby. It worked so well I used to do talks at post natal groups. Whatever you decide to do and it’s totally your descion, Have confidence in it. Don’t doubt your a good mum. And the fact you are doing it for the best of your baby. Good luck

I went with the flow in the first 7 months, keeping dd downstairs with me while she cluster fed and eventually going up around 9pm each night and co sleeping. It worked fine until I got into my head that I needed an evening to myself and that I would put her in her cot to sleep at 7pm etc etc - basically I felt like you do now and really confused about what to do. It felt like it should all be cracked by 9 months! I posted here for help in fact and got lots of lovely sympathy.

I basically did what silenttype describes and at first tbh it felt worse - like I was stuck there with the baby all evening but within a few weeks it was much much better. It really helped to think of it as separation anxiety for dd and that she just needed to build up trust that I wasn’t going away forever and that it would all take time to work itself out.

You poor, poor thing, OP.

That level of sleep deprivation is exhausting. You're not alone. So many of us go through it and it's hellish whether it's your first baby or your fourth.

I tried controlled crying with my first - back then it was pretty much the only (mainstream) game in town and the internet communities were only just starting (I'm very old).

It was awful, it was traumatic for the baby and me, and it really didn't work well. By my next baby I felt strong enough to say no to that advice.

As PP have said, there are other options.

My friend had a sleep specialist come to her house and help her put her son to sleep. I think she did the controlled crying thing.

This is what they do each night in her house now. The kid cries his eyes out and it then this settles him down and he is fast asleep.

My general view on all baby related decisions is that if you can't tell the difference in adults around you, it clearly can't matter that much. I also have a 9 month old so know how significant it feels, particularly when you're sleep deprived, but I try to keep that as my mantra!

On the CC front, of course leaving a baby to wail for hours on end night after night isn't good, but then neither are the effects of long-term broken sleep for either of you. Personally, we ended up having to do a form of it at 5 months because my DS started getting more and more wound up if we tried to help him sleep with cuddles, feeding, rocking, whatever. We eventually worked out that leaving him to it didn't prevent the crying entirely, but did reduce it (40 minutes screaming being rocked vs 10 minutes gradually getting calmer in the crib). I felt horrendous, but it got to the point where I couldn't justify interfering to save my feelings when it clearly wasn't working for him. He still likes to have a chunter before he goes to sleep and is perfectly happy and outgoing in the day...

This has turned into a ramble. Essentially, crying for a short period for a couple of nights isn't going to permanently break your baby, but it will be emotionally hard for you and it's absolutely fine not to want to do that. Whatever decision you make is not irrevocable and if you try something (anything!) and it isn't working you can always stop. You're clearly a very loving parent to worry this much and you won't let your baby come to harm. Hope you all get more and better quality sleep soon one way or another.

We did controlled crying with our now 15 year old ds when he was around 9 months. He is now a very happy, laid back, intelligent teenager with no negative effects at all. We have an extremely close loving bond.

You are more likely to get depressed from no baby free evenings/couple time, than a couple of nights of feeling awful listening to her cry. That's all it took. 2 nights and he slept brilliantly from then on and was happier in the days as well and got into a great routine.

I cannot keep my 8 month old awake during a feed at all! I'd love to know how to break the feed sleep association but as soon as he latches on his little eyes roll into the back of his head and he sleep feeds for a good twenty minutes before I can even think about putting him down.

Also to a PP that said just give a dummy or a bottle, he won't take either so it's really not that simple. I know plenty of parents who get up multiple times a night to put a dummy back in or make a bottle and I'd rather not swap one for another.

@Nanny0gg I meant a few days!

You’re tired and struggling to think clearly, that’s normal.

It’s ok to admit that what you have just now is not working for you. It’s ok to want your evenings to yourself.

If dh is happy to give cc a go then let him. It might work fairly quickly. It might be really upsetting and he can’t see it through.

You have nothing to lose from trying. I don’t think it will damage your child for life. Ignore all the anecdotes, you can find stories to back up any viewpoint.

I’d let him make the decision. You both need to be on board with it. There are extreme views on either side so it’s probably best just not to ask too many opinions about it.

Getting everyone sleeping is the best thing you can do for the family.

We did the 'disappearing chair' technique (but never disappeared). We still sit with our 6 & 8 year olds (shared room) until they fall asleep. The idea is that you sit next to your baby as they go to sleep and gradually move further away, until you're outside the room.

Check out sleepsense.net/

We followed it at 4 months and it worked brilliantly. DD still sleeps brilliantly (mostly) at 10 years old.

It involved tears (and not all of them DD’s 😄) it isn’t CC, it’s a bit less severe, but there is also some really good info in the pack.

(Ignore the crappy website, it’s not the best!)

You’re asking too many people. As you are the parent you need to make a decision.

I’m a mum of twins so I had to go down the CC route - no choice really when you’ve got two going through sleep regression at the same time.

To point out also to those citing damaging effects (cortisol increase and such) that is more for prolonged periods of crying with no soothing - more in relation to the “cry it out method” than the controlled crying method.

There are other ways that might work for you before having to use CC @LittleBeansMum I’m not sure if you have tried these already but:

Set routine if you don’t already have one. Baths help as when our bodies cool we become sleepy so that bit of time between getting out of the bath to dried and dressed for bed might help.

White noise or other gentle noises (DS still loves the sound of waves or rainfall played on an app).

DD took to a mobile for a while as she had suddenly become aware of the dark and so found having the gentle lights soothing.

Opposite to that I had to angle DS away from the lights as he would get so transfixed on them he never slept!

If you do resort to CC (which isn’t bad for baby, my two are now 2 years old and there has been no damage to our bond or love for each other.) there’s really helpful stuff online to tell you the steps.

I found sitting between my twins Moses baskets quietly with my hand on their stomachs helped them a fair bit and I’d do this after their story.

I also found that I couldn’t put them down asleep as they’d inevitably wake up the moment I shifted them from my body, this was due to the warmth and sudden loss of warmth from laying against me. So I put a blanket between them and me so the blanket absorbed the warmth and then when I shifted them they didn’t notice the immediate absence of it (if that makes any sense?).

After laying them in their baskets with the warm blanket and having had a hand on them both for 5 or so minutes I would leave the room. When they woke crying I’d assess whether it was for a need or for comfort (if it had only been a few minutes it wasn’t hunger crying and unlikely that they had wet nappies) so I’d go and soothe immediately at first, if soothing them in the basket didn’t work I’d pick them up and cuddle but wouldn’t move from beside it and when settled, lay them back down. After that I waited 2 minutes before going in. Then 5 minutes. I’d use “shhh” noises and what have you but tried to remain as quiet as I could.

Now they’re pretty much solid sleepers, but it took a fair while to get them into the routine. Good luck OP