To let my husband make a big decision, as I am struggling to know what's best for my own daughter?

[LittleBeansMum]

My DD is 9 months and we've been having trouble with getting her to sleep. She always slept well in her cot, until the 4-month sleep regression hit, and since then she has been in bed with me while DH sleeps downstairs in our spare room. We gave in one particularly bad week around 4 months, and she hasn't slept in her cot properly since.
I don't mind the co-sleeping particularly, (although I'm looking forward to having our bed back one day!!) but the part I find really hard is the hours between when DD goes to sleep and when I do, because I really miss having evenings with my husband, and having to go up to feed her back to sleep several times in a 2-hour period is starting to really effect how I'm feeling (not
to mention the quality of her sleep!)

I'm currently at home all day, and very much enjoying it, but need an hour to myself of an evening (or during one if DD's naps in the day) where DD doesn't wake up, and I can just be "me" for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I'm just winding down, when I hear her over the baby monitor, and it's really starting to get to me.

I've been looking at how to to get DD sleeping back in her cot again, and I keep coming back to control crying, which is something I thought I'd never do. I really dread the thought of listening to her cry, and I'm worried that it will make her not feel as close to me or something.

But what I'm finding the hardest is that I'll talk to one person and become convinced by their opinion, and then another person who thinks the opposite and I'll start to think the opposite view is a good idea so I'm constantly switching between "but I see what they mean" and "they've got a point there" and "let's do it like this...it worked for so and so" and then when I get to the point where someone says "well you'll just have to do what's right for you and DD" I just want to dissolve into a pile of tears because I no longer know what's right for her. I have read so many articles and heard so many personal anecdotes that my brain is fried, and I can't see the woods for the trees.

I got to the point where I just blurted all this out to my DH and said "here's all the pro's for this and all the cons for that etc." and just told HIM to make the decision, and he said that he thought we should go down the controlled crying route. And I was totally ready to do it it (knowing that my husband is better at making decisions without letting emotions get in the way than I am), and then my SIL was talking about how when her daughter was 2 she just said "I'm ready to sleep in a big bed now, mummy" and so she never needed to do "any of that crying". And I suddenly felt like I was back where I started.

I don't know how to tell my husband that having told him to make the decision, I still feel as confused as ever. I don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but I've also heard of women who suffered from pnd after the guilt of doing controlled crying and because I feel so close to the edge myself, I'm scared that if I stay this tired for too long I run that risk, or if I go down the controlled crying route and then regret it that it might push me over the edge. I'm normally so level-headed, but with this I am changing my mind about 100 times a week and it's starting to be all I think and read about, which can't be healthy!

How do you work out what is right for your child when you can't even think straight? Everyone seems to think I should have an instinct....but it changes all the time! Should I just trust my husband to make the right decision seeing as I can't, as he knows all the factors involved?

Well to start with your not alone 💝 my dd is now 18 months but I remember the regression well !!! Every child is different & it takes one or two tries of everything to see what will work for them !. Controlled crying didnt work for us but we found putting a hot water bottle in the cot b4 putting her in worked a treat. Also putting in the top I wore that day. My friend suggested drops of eucalyptus oil on her pillow it really worked!! . At this stage I know it feels like forever but I promise it will be a memory soon xxxx

Personally I couldn't do controlled crying. There is research into the harmful effects the raised cortisol levels has on the brain. Not to mention how scary and horrible it must feel for your baby to be crying out for mummy but not understanding why mummy doesn't come. And I say this as someone who's baby didn't sleep through until 16 months and I still have nights of multiple wake ups at 19 months. But I know it is just a phase.

Do you mind me asking why you are feeding her several times in a two hour period, she's not a new born. Many people will give you opinions, is she on solids, because I'd then give her a dummy or give her a bottle.

Personally I dont think sleep deprivation helps anyone.

It's trial and error, eventually you find something that works.
As far as big decisions go it really is a 1/10, not big at all.
However, I can understand you can't see it as such, so offering some perspective

Take it one night at a time but I would just put her back in her own cot tonight and see what happens. The first couple of weeks might be hard but you can sleep when she sleeps the next day.

It sounds as though what you would like is to break the feeding to sleep association - and for that, your DH will play a key role. It will work much more quickly with him than with you, as she knows you have milk! Have you ever tried getting him to do bedtime? Rather than controlled crying, this may be worth a try at first - and there will probably be crying so you may want to leave the house to let them get on with it. We did this and while it didn’t get DS sleeping through the night, I think he did start to learn to go to sleep and resettle himself, which is a useful skill. Might be worth a try to see if this could help with evenings?

There are several no cry sleep solutions you could try before going straight from on demand feeding and co sleeping to controlled crying.
Maybe a routine based sleep program and a no cry method would be a compromise?

Don’t do controlled crying - she is way too little to learn to self soothe and all you’ll be teaching her on a deep level is that her cries won’t be immediately met, and as a pp said there is lots of research on the affect that raised cortisol levels have on the developing brain. I know it’s hard when you are in the thick of it, but this stage really does pass quickly. Also I wonder why you don’t want to make an ‘emotional decision’ about this - surely as mothers that’s at the core of what we do! Anyway good luck with whatever you decide :)

There is NOTHING wrong with including emotions in your decision making ❤️
And note I say including - not getting in the way of!

I’m not sure it’s helpful to throw more suggestions at you. But what I would do, is get your husband to take over bedtimes for a while. Not by implementing controlled crying (it wasn’t right for me, I admit the bias! But I’m saying it hear because YOU are not comfortable with it) but other methods.

I used to work away frequently when my baby was 13 months+ She settled so much faster got her dad when I wasn’t there and there wasn’t the delicious smell and thought of milky comfort to hold out for 🤣

Let him do bedtime, but a gentler method.

Don't listen to your SIL, it doesn't matter what she did and tbh it"s none of her business what you choose to do.

When my eldest DC was a baby controlled crying was a normal thing to do, recommended by health visitors and for me at least very successful. I don't think sleep regression was a thing, at least I don't remember hearing the term, whilst it wasn't exactly decades ago it was before the internet was a huge thing, people just got on with it and didn't second guess everything, give it a go, what have you got to lose?

I also feed my nine month old to sleep, but my husband can also get her to sleep by cuddling her for a minute then putting her in her cot, it did take a bit if crying the first couple of times but it wasnt too long.

She sleeps much better when he has got her to sleep as she isn't waking looking for milk.

You need to break the feed-to-sleep association, as a PP says.

Will she have a bottle? If so, I’d try to move to the bedtime feed being a bottle, and your DH doing it - or if she won’t have a bottle then breastfeeding until she’d sleepy but still awake and your DH cuddling her to sleep/settling in cot. Then if she wakes in the evening he goes up to resettle.

You don’t have to leave her to cry, there are gentler ways to get the same effect but your DH needs to be an integral part of the plan.

You’ll need to be committed for a good period though - it may be worth going out of an evening until the worst adjustment period is over.

I would stop getting opinions on it as I think the majority of parents I know don't agree with CC or just wouldn't try it. That's obvs their choice. I read a lot of info on here & lots talked about the damage it can cause which is awful to hear.

At 9/10 month we did night weaning & a method of CC following advice from a friend who is a sleep consultant. It literally took about 3 days & DS has slept through every night ever since. He's 18 months & the happiest child. No regrets

Personally I'd rather try a method & see if it works than just accept a way of life I was not enjoying

Good luck!

Personally, I could never do that to a 9-month-old baby. A toddler is more able to understand that you haven't disappeared off the face of the earth, but a baby? No. She needs/wants comfort and that's a parent's main job at that age.

I would try breaking the feed/sleep cycle instead. Don't feed her several times over those few hours, but do go to her and do comfort her.

I agree try one of the no cry sleep training methods first and see how you get on with that. It sounds like you would struggle to leave her crying anyway.

My DD is the same age as yours and equally a bad sleeper, and we also got in the habit of co sleeping and feeding to sleep regularly. They sound very similar!

I know how you feel, I was equally confused however one of my friends is a psychologist and gave me some really good advice about controlled crying and why not to do it, and explained it in a way that made it something I was definitely not prepared to do.

Did you ever use a co sleeper crib? We had the Chico next2me until very recently when she outgrew it, so we’ve just bought the Troll bedside cot which is much bigger and still allows it to become bedside. That way she’s still right next to me but in her own space and DH can sleep in the bed too!

We’ve also very recently introduced patting her bottom to sleep (she sleeps on her front) so when I feed her in the night it used to take an hour to get her back to sleep, now I feed until she unlatches, lay her down and pat her bottom. It seems to be working (for now) though I’m prepared it’ll probably change again soon!

I have every sympathy for you though, this sleep deprivation is awful isn’t it. I take 5 hours sleep as a serious victory!

I wouldn't do controlled crying. The only person doing the 'controlling' is you. Your baby has no control at all, and will be feeling scared and helpless. Not a good situation for any baby. A friend of mine did controlled crying. Now both DD's are at school: one is happy and confident knowing that she can count on an adult when needed, while the other is scared to ask a teacher for help. Guess which baby was left to cry!

knowing that my husband is better at making decisions without letting emotions get in the way than I am

Why on earth would that be a good thing?

I can only say that sleep deprivation is harming your ability to decide . Not to be bad just it’s turns brain to fog

If in doubt do nowt and write down pro and cons of all approaches and review together ?

I don’t understand your evening comment. What is it you are now missing?

I'm not going to really comment on controlled crying as I tried it once and I hated it but know it works for other people. As a single parent I went the route of least resistance in the end and co-slept until Dd was ready to sleep on her own. There were lots of regressions due to being unwell or teething etc. But I had plenty of room in my bed and no partner.

However, in terms of finding time for your self why not download something to watch on a tablet or phone then feed her to sleep whilst watching something with headphones in. If you think the light will disturb her then treat yourself to an audio book. It will relax you and she will get what she needs. One of the points of breastfeeding is that it makes stop, and slow down so you rest.

Agree with other posters about DH helping with night wake ups too. We also gave water not milk through the night so DS realised he wasn't getting milk & water was not as good. Couldn't smell my milk either due to DH doing the wake ups, big help. Best to take it slowly though if you feed to sleep or do sleep - I did neither so my situation was different

OP, I agree with the poster above who says this isn't such a big decision as you think it is. I felt like this with DC1 - all the same things about trying to get it right and reading about different methods - but by DC3 I understood that there really isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' answer and we're all just muddling along and doing our best!

*co sleep

Look up pick up put down, no crying involved but does "teach"
Baby it's okay to go to sleep in the cot by themselves or be awake in the cot.

If you currently feed baby to sleep break that sleep association first.

Controlled crying teaches them it isn't worth crying because you won't come...