To let my husband make a big decision, as I am struggling to know what's best for my own daughter?

[LittleBeansMum]

My DD is 9 months and we've been having trouble with getting her to sleep. She always slept well in her cot, until the 4-month sleep regression hit, and since then she has been in bed with me while DH sleeps downstairs in our spare room. We gave in one particularly bad week around 4 months, and she hasn't slept in her cot properly since.
I don't mind the co-sleeping particularly, (although I'm looking forward to having our bed back one day!!) but the part I find really hard is the hours between when DD goes to sleep and when I do, because I really miss having evenings with my husband, and having to go up to feed her back to sleep several times in a 2-hour period is starting to really effect how I'm feeling (not
to mention the quality of her sleep!)

I'm currently at home all day, and very much enjoying it, but need an hour to myself of an evening (or during one if DD's naps in the day) where DD doesn't wake up, and I can just be "me" for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I'm just winding down, when I hear her over the baby monitor, and it's really starting to get to me.

I've been looking at how to to get DD sleeping back in her cot again, and I keep coming back to control crying, which is something I thought I'd never do. I really dread the thought of listening to her cry, and I'm worried that it will make her not feel as close to me or something.

But what I'm finding the hardest is that I'll talk to one person and become convinced by their opinion, and then another person who thinks the opposite and I'll start to think the opposite view is a good idea so I'm constantly switching between "but I see what they mean" and "they've got a point there" and "let's do it like this...it worked for so and so" and then when I get to the point where someone says "well you'll just have to do what's right for you and DD" I just want to dissolve into a pile of tears because I no longer know what's right for her. I have read so many articles and heard so many personal anecdotes that my brain is fried, and I can't see the woods for the trees.

I got to the point where I just blurted all this out to my DH and said "here's all the pro's for this and all the cons for that etc." and just told HIM to make the decision, and he said that he thought we should go down the controlled crying route. And I was totally ready to do it it (knowing that my husband is better at making decisions without letting emotions get in the way than I am), and then my SIL was talking about how when her daughter was 2 she just said "I'm ready to sleep in a big bed now, mummy" and so she never needed to do "any of that crying". And I suddenly felt like I was back where I started.

I don't know how to tell my husband that having told him to make the decision, I still feel as confused as ever. I don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but I've also heard of women who suffered from pnd after the guilt of doing controlled crying and because I feel so close to the edge myself, I'm scared that if I stay this tired for too long I run that risk, or if I go down the controlled crying route and then regret it that it might push me over the edge. I'm normally so level-headed, but with this I am changing my mind about 100 times a week and it's starting to be all I think and read about, which can't be healthy!

How do you work out what is right for your child when you can't even think straight? Everyone seems to think I should have an instinct....but it changes all the time! Should I just trust my husband to make the right decision seeing as I can't, as he knows all the factors involved?

Controlled crying teaches them it isn't worth crying because you won't come...

That’s an opinion.

We did controlled crying with both dc’s. Worked for them, and us. Sleep deprivation is awful. Having babies that slept benefitted us all.

It’s not easy, but was good for all of us.

Now healthy and happy, typical teens. No harm done.

Don’t ask people’s advice about controlled crying and it;s very contentious.

Come up with something that works for you in a more gentler way. Bath, last feed in a dimmed room, into cot with a few rubs of tummy, maybe a night light, then leave the room.

If baby cry’s, go back in after a minute, don’t lift out of cot, tummy rub and then leave. If crying starts again, increase the time before you go I , maybe 90 seconds - repeat routine in and keep at it. Do not lift out of cot, even if you go in and out 10 times. Do the same the next night, it might take several nights but persist.

It’s ok for people to say, I couldn’t do that baby will suffer but in all honesty, they won’t and both you and your DH need time to yourselves/together. You are all as equally important and gentle sleep training will not harm your baby in any way.

Grammar and spelling awful in my post above, apologies.

I would just give it a try and see. I let my baby cry for about 10 minutes one night and it was like a switch. I hated those 10 minutes and I felt like a terrible mum at the time but oh my word did it benefit us!

When my DD was around 11 or 12 months I had had enough one night and I just needed a minute alone as she wasn't going to sleep. We moved her into her cot once she was 11 months after Co sleeping and to my surprise she took to it really well! Anyway.. This one night I was fed up and still breastfeeding and my nipples were just done for the night 😂 so I went downstairs whilst DD was crying in her cot because I needed to just get away and after about a minute she lay down and stopped crying for about 30 seconds. So I just watched her for the next 5 mins where she would just get up and down until just self soothed. So I ended up doing controlled crying by mistake really. I've never left her crying for more than 5 mins and if she's in a state/hysterical I go back in right away.

Now she's 16 months and self soothes without tears. She has a bear that she hugs and sometimes she chats to him got a bit and give him kisses before she hugs him to sleep ❤️

Sorry, my point was... Wait until around 12 months as I've been told by many that their sleep doesn't settle until then usually anyway!

OP I've been in your shoes. My first baby didn't sleep at all and I found it so difficult to perform day to day tasks let alone make big decisions.
Google Rebecca Michi gentle sleep training method. Best thing I ever did xxx

I bet you’re even more confused from this thread!

I’d say the best decisions about babies are the ones made when you’re not exhausted. Easier said that done, I know.

The thing with whatever you choose it’s it’s not permanent.

Try controlled crying, or pick up put down. Get a cracking fee hours of sleep and think about whether you’re willing to do it again. If so, try it and if you’re seeing an improvement in both your sleeps, you’ll have your answer.

I can relate op. I'm a SAHM and I remember the days of sitting on the sofa with my meal / bar of chocolate / cuppa after a long day and looking forward to it just being me or me and my fiancé for an hour or so and then hearing the monitor! I used to hate having to go up and down the stairs and then got mum guilt for hating it!

We didn't do any sleep training, just continued feeding to sleep / comforting and by 8 months or so things just sorted themselves out and we got our evenings back (I obviously appreciate all babies are different!)

I'm personally against controlled crying and anything like it because imo it's teaching the child that if they cry, there is no point as no-one is going to come. I personally want our son to know that if he wakes up in the night with a tummy ache or if he's had a nightmare or anything else then I'm going to come and comfort him (I know I might get flamed by the sleep trainers out there for saying that but it's just my opinion and I'm entitled to be anti-sleep training. Just as if a friend ever sleep trained, I'd keep my mouth shut as they'd be entitled to be in favour of it).

I hope something works for you soon no matter what you end up doing

Please, on all these threads it's the same and it drives me batty: sleep training does not equal CC. Sleep training can be incredibly gentle and not involve any being left to cry. When you say you're anti-sleep training, you're actually just anti/CC.

Also CC doesn't mean ignoring your child in the night. After the initial few days, if it's going to work then it most likely will have, and your child should be sleeping much better. If there's a night where your child's pattern changes then you respond to them just as you would usually. It doesn't mean you ignore any crying ever again overnight.

There's a lot of misunderstanding and downright nonsense about sleep training. I'd recommend looking at a gentler method like Lucy Wolfe or the disappearing chair or something like that. These do take longer though, and if you are in a situation where you need a quick resolution for your own mental health, then controlled crying is probably the quickest of the methods. But it doesn't work for all babies; it isn't a magic bullet.

I am quite keen on attachment type parenting (nothing strange, just I listen to my children and give their thoughts and feelings a lot of consideration) BUT I did controlled crying with my eldest, 11 years ago. I was just desperate really and my HV recommended it.
To be perfectly honest, it worked SO quickly (like, 1-2 nights), that it caused a lot less upset for my baby than a cross, tired and frustrated mum would have for many more months. Also there really wasn’t that much crying, v short periods of crying, punctuated by me coming back, patting and reassuring that I was still around, but that it was time to sleep, leaving again. Think it was 3 minute intervals? Baby was 7 months old.
Getting a good night’s sleep most nights changed our lives!

Oh and with my second, I did something similar but slightly more gentle - pick up out down method - because her sleep just needed tweaking rather than complete “training”

I just fed DS on the sofa until he got to an age where he couldn’t dose with things going on in the background anymore.
At least 8 months.

Personally ditch the “routine” and just go with the flow and don’t worry.

You’ve got loads more advice on here which probably hasn’t really helped given your actually problem is making decisions. I don’t mean this harshly at all but this is just the beginning of all the parenting decisions you’re going to have to make throughout your childs life. You might as well start now and make a decision, try something and then decide with your husband if the the right thing. You’ll have to do the same with a million other things so practise now!

I did controlled crying with a 10 month old, made the intervals shorter to suit, so 1 min, 1 min, then 3 min, 3 min, 5, min and what was meant to be 10 but he was asleep in 8. Seriously took 2 nights. If he woke in the night we went to him as we didn’t want to make too much noise. Just doing it at bed time made enough difference for us. He’s definitely not shy now at 3 telling us if he feels ill or has a nightmare.

Just to clarify. My baby didn’t cry for hours when I did CC. I went in every 2 mins for five times then every five mins. He settled after that. I just sat outside his door clock watching. I don’t understand people saying leave your baby crying for Hours. By the third night he went straight to sleep. It was that quick. As I said I wish you luck.

OP I know how you feel as my DD was like that too. As you say you have to feed her multiple times during a two hour period does that mean you are breastfeeding? If so, it could be that she has become reliant on feeding/suckling to go to sleep. That's what happened with my DD and it took about 3/4 days of holding her while she cried to get her to sleep without it. I wanted her to know that I was still there for her so didn't leave the room until she was asleep. Her sleep got so much better after that as could settle herself if she woke up during the night.

I bet you’re even more confused from this thread!
I'll say!!!!To be honest, all that's happened is I've agreed with almost every single post - that's how mentally addled I am!

In hindsight, I should have been clearer that I was not "canvassing opinion" as one PP put it - I was more struggling with not knowing how to make decisions when I am this tired, and was wondering if it's wrong to ask my husband to make a decision and then change my mind about letting him make the call (and then inevitably still get upset that I don't have a decision.....womanhood is weird).

I will answer some of your questions though! I hope I don't miss anyone!

@ThinkerThunkk - I feed her that often every couple of hours, because it's the only way I know how to get her to sleep. She can't be hungry!! She would be latched all night if she could be!

@NoSquirrels - she just looks at a bottle and holds it in her mouth and smiles! Doesn't seem to get the drinking link at all lol!! She will drink from a free-flowing cup, but she dribbles too much (especially when she's sleepy), so I don't like it at night time, because I'm worried about putting her down in a damp sleeping bag.. :(

@boptist - I miss sitting and watching a whole TV episode, I miss playing board games (which we used to do almost every night), I miss having a conversation which doesn't get interrupted, I miss being able to give my husband my undivided attention and not be running off if he's trying to talk to me about something, I miss being able to do a jigsaw and focus on something and get lost in it, to name a few! Even writing it down makes me feel really sad!
And it's not about taking the emotion out of it - my husband has emotions too(!), but I get paralysed by them. My husband can make decisions in an emotional firestorm that I am unable to make.

@TeddyBear45 - You’re asking too many people. As you are the parent you need to make a decision. I am trying to. I really am. I wasn't intending to ask MN what the decision should be!! I wanted to ask "how do you make a decision like this when you can barely think?"

@Sunshine1235 - I am normally ok at making decisions, I promise!! I just am feeling so low and torn and just.....stuck.

Thank you all for your responses. It's given me a lot more to think about.... facepalm :'-)

I wish people would learn the difference between controlled crying and cry it out FGS

There is no good-quality evidence that sleep training is harmful in any way. People always claim there is on these threads; they can never back it up with actual evidence (as opposed to opinion pieces which claim to have evidence but don't actually give any, or which completely distort the evidence they do have, e.g. Sarah Ockwell-Smith stuff)

@Adviceplease1234 - Yes - I'm breastfeeding. Sorry - I think I missed that one - someone else asked that as well. My husband would happily help with anything....he just doesn't have the "equipment" haha!!

I don’t think CC is the greatest but it’s better than CIO, but there are better options.

Give her a feed downstairs and get DH to take her up to bed. She needs comfort from him, but separation from your scent. If she can smell you she’s going to want you & milk, if not Daddy will do.

Get him to do return to lying down starting with a cuddle and reassurance, but each time dialling that back to ending up just returning her to lying down without cuddles or eye contact.

Water in a sippy cup if he thinks she needs it.

It’ll probably take 3-4 nights, but if he doesn’t lose his temper or give into her you will crack it!

Have a giid talk about it first, he needs to be fully on board and no leaving her to wail - a little crying is ok and lots of babies will go to sleep after 5 minutes if that, it’s a winding down process- VERY different to howling!

Best of luck.

Oh bless you, it's really hard. Both of mine were awful sleepers. We did pick up, put down along side gradual withdrawal with my oldest at about 18mo.

Whatever you do, you both need to commit and support each other in it. You might find that DH doing bed time is what you need to break the habit. DS would also know if I was in the house, so maybe head on out somewhere (or make a show of going out the front door and sneak in the back!).

I sort of did controlled crying but when ds was 14 months. He wasn't sleeping and I was on my knees, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It was a horrendous time in my life

The first night he cried for less than 5 minutes, I wasn't intending to leave him but I had so much to do after putting him in his cot and I just decided to put the wash on and come back to him. By the time I'd put the wash on he was fast asleep.

The next night he cried for around 2 minutes, I read DS1 his story and before I'd finished he was asleep.

He never got overly distressed and if he ever cried for more than 5 minutes I went to him (but he never did, if he does now it's cos he's poorly).

I vowed I'd never leave my babies to cry but tbh it saved my sanity.