To let my husband make a big decision, as I am struggling to know what's best for my own daughter?

[LittleBeansMum]

My DD is 9 months and we've been having trouble with getting her to sleep. She always slept well in her cot, until the 4-month sleep regression hit, and since then she has been in bed with me while DH sleeps downstairs in our spare room. We gave in one particularly bad week around 4 months, and she hasn't slept in her cot properly since.
I don't mind the co-sleeping particularly, (although I'm looking forward to having our bed back one day!!) but the part I find really hard is the hours between when DD goes to sleep and when I do, because I really miss having evenings with my husband, and having to go up to feed her back to sleep several times in a 2-hour period is starting to really effect how I'm feeling (not
to mention the quality of her sleep!)

I'm currently at home all day, and very much enjoying it, but need an hour to myself of an evening (or during one if DD's naps in the day) where DD doesn't wake up, and I can just be "me" for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I'm just winding down, when I hear her over the baby monitor, and it's really starting to get to me.

I've been looking at how to to get DD sleeping back in her cot again, and I keep coming back to control crying, which is something I thought I'd never do. I really dread the thought of listening to her cry, and I'm worried that it will make her not feel as close to me or something.

But what I'm finding the hardest is that I'll talk to one person and become convinced by their opinion, and then another person who thinks the opposite and I'll start to think the opposite view is a good idea so I'm constantly switching between "but I see what they mean" and "they've got a point there" and "let's do it like this...it worked for so and so" and then when I get to the point where someone says "well you'll just have to do what's right for you and DD" I just want to dissolve into a pile of tears because I no longer know what's right for her. I have read so many articles and heard so many personal anecdotes that my brain is fried, and I can't see the woods for the trees.

I got to the point where I just blurted all this out to my DH and said "here's all the pro's for this and all the cons for that etc." and just told HIM to make the decision, and he said that he thought we should go down the controlled crying route. And I was totally ready to do it it (knowing that my husband is better at making decisions without letting emotions get in the way than I am), and then my SIL was talking about how when her daughter was 2 she just said "I'm ready to sleep in a big bed now, mummy" and so she never needed to do "any of that crying". And I suddenly felt like I was back where I started.

I don't know how to tell my husband that having told him to make the decision, I still feel as confused as ever. I don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but I've also heard of women who suffered from pnd after the guilt of doing controlled crying and because I feel so close to the edge myself, I'm scared that if I stay this tired for too long I run that risk, or if I go down the controlled crying route and then regret it that it might push me over the edge. I'm normally so level-headed, but with this I am changing my mind about 100 times a week and it's starting to be all I think and read about, which can't be healthy!

How do you work out what is right for your child when you can't even think straight? Everyone seems to think I should have an instinct....but it changes all the time! Should I just trust my husband to make the right decision seeing as I can't, as he knows all the factors involved?

This sounds like my son. At about 22 months I did semi controlled crying which was only let him cry for 15 seconds then come back in and put him on his stomach , repeat until he gets the hint. Give him a cuddly instead ... It took 3 days and the first night was awful especially as he could talk “mummy!” But he forgave me the next morning was much brighter and happier and now he sleeps really well better than the soothe to sleep eldest who needs her back rubbed/ generally doesn’t sleep for anyone

As predicted you've got loads of sleep advice on this thread which is exactly not the point, is it??

What you want is to know how to make the choice, not to be given more options and persuasions towards various options.

I would step away from the Internet. Sometimes it's necessary. Talk to your husband. Tell him you're still, feeling anxious and what you're feeling anxious about - what specifically about your SIL's comments upset you - and see what he has to say. Make the decision together, and then speak to each other if either of you has a wobble about it. I always find this helps enormously.

Possibly consider speaking to GP if you often feel paralysed by anxiety as well.

Good luck, whatever you decide OP!

It’s tough. I know too many parents who still sleep with their kids aged 7 or older, and how unhappy husbands often are (and mums too)

I was lucky, or unlucky, that I was the first of my friends to have kids, so I had no preconceived ideas (no clue ) and made it up as I went along.

We did controlled crying when our kids were around 6/7 months. It worked in about a week, in both cases. DH did it, as they wanted boob if I came in.

Motherhood is all about guilt, but luckily I wasn’t on MN then, so no guilt. The way I saw it, they slept better and I slept better win-win

It can be really good to let the dad do this.

Talk to an actual sleep consultant not random people on the internet.

Our eldest DD ( now 35 ) was brilliant at sleeping until she was 9 months old. Then we had 8 terrible months with her. When she was 17 months old a friend suggested we just left her to cry during the night ( controlled crying ?? ). It was absolute agony for us but it worked. Just took the one night She was a very happy child and now a confident young woman with no issues - the same as her younger sisters who had no problems with sleep at that age. Hope that whatever choice you make as a couple will work for you. :)

My husband did the night time feeds with a bottle and we turned it into a fun time for us.

I have always checked my babies as to whether or not they are settling for sleep by staying in the room with a book for me.

I didn't do controlled crying but taught my babies how to settle themselves with dummies for sucking. I also made sure that I gave them some touching for 5 minutes or more until they slept.

I also used talking stories that they loved like roald Dahl.

My babies used to sleep for 12 hours at night and that was my time to play or sleep.

I always found that checking for self soothing was best for my babies.
That way they learnt good sleep routines and were happy with dummies and touch and stories.

But giving my babies time to settle and be happy worked for all of our family. And of course it takes time to find out what your baby needs.

Mine needed dummies for sucking instead of bottles and stories by CD and touch by a parent until they slept

Routine is paramount. Bath time, book, soothing music, night light, milk etc. Controlled crying doesn’t mean you just leave them. You can set your own time intervals. I started with 30 seconds, then 1 min, 2 min, 4 min, 6 min and so on. Each interval getting longer and longer. It takes a couple of nights. But they learn that it’s ok and that they are meant to be sleeping there. Your DC just needs comfort and reassurance that you are there for her, but she is meant to be sleeping. I never got past 6 mins with mine. I found music or nursery rhymes playing quietly the most useful thing as there was the element of not being alone there. Didn’t even have to do controlled crying with my 2nd and 3rd really. You have to find what works for your DC.

Your tired that’s why you can’t decide. Posting here you will just get more differing opinions that will add to your confusion. Ditch the books and just work I’m feeling what feels right to you about your child’s temperament. My sons always been a rubbish sleeper. I swore I wouldn’t do CC as mum did it with me and I put that down to my adult separation anxiety but sleep deprivation got me trying it for 10 days. It didn’t work. I’ve co slept ever since (he’s 2 now and never slept through but getting better)

You're overthinking this. You also need to get off this thread immediately and stop asking other peoples opinions.

I understand you don't want to do the "wrong" thing but it's all trial and error because what works for one won't work for all... there is no universal answer here.

You sound exhausted and confused so try the controlled crying if that's what you want, if it doesn't work or it's too upsetting for all then don't do it.

Personally I would start by setting a strong routine: dinner, cuddles, bath, story, bed and go from there.

You also need to leave DH in charge for a couple of hours and go out for a meal with friends of family: you need to feel like yourself and have some you time... it's not a crime.

If you're worried your emotions are out of hand, go speak to the GP. You've mentioned PND so you're obviously concerned that's where you are heading. Nip it in the bud.

I agree that you are getting another barrage of information that you probably don’t need.

There are key things that work:

Bedtime routine bedtime routine bedtime routine - same thing, same order, same time.
Put down awake, in her own cot in her own room
Once she’s down in the cot don’t pick her back up, or if you can’t do that pick her up reassure her and put her back down
Try to put her in her cot for daytime naps - start with this before night fine

Now it’s going to be rough so put aside everything else you are meant to be doing that week and focus on this.

The only thing you need to decide is how long you are willing to let your little one cry. Because she will cry.

This is your only decision. You might not know your tolerance until it starts. For me I couldn’t listen to my boy cry for more than five minutes before I would go back in and soothe him / pop his dummy in.

I know I just gave you another bout of information. But you don’t know what crying you can put up with until it happens in my opinion!

Did your DH did his own research, because it sounded like you just have him information? If it's his decision then he would have researched, no? Otherwise he's just saying what he thinks you want him to say from what you gave him. Just tell him you want to talk it through more and ask him to look into no cry sleep solutions before controlled crying, because it would be a better compromise. These things aren't necessarily as linked as some people will tell you in my experience. DS feeds to sleep every night, but quickly and he'll sleep on his own before I go to bed (plus sleeps just as well for DH when I'm not there at naptime). This is unless he's teething; then he needs extra cuddles and ibuprofen, plus still wakes a bit because he has pains, are you sure she isn't teething and what she needs is some pain drugs? DS and most of the other babies also all went wild with awful bedtimes the few weeks / week before they could sit up, crawl or walk; again are you sure her neediness isn't linked to a development cycle? Babies are tiring, but lovely, do what makes you comfortable.

Hi! I’m sure everybody here can empathise with you and your situation. And I’m not sure of what I can suggest to help you I’m afraid. However please can I beg that you do not do controlled crying for your little baby. I am not a fan at all anyway and there is plenty of evidence that it is actually harmful to babies however even for people that do advocate it four months is far far too young for this - she is very tiny still and I believe this is very dangerous for a child of this age. I’m so sorry not to be able to come up with any helpful suggestions for you - I’m afraid it’s just a thing that most babies go through xx

She’s too little for controlled crying.

Personally if you are going to co-sleep then just keep her downstairs with you in a bouncer or Moses basket until later, then go to bed with her.

If you want to knock co-sleeping on the head, then I agree a good routine is paramount, but personally I put my babies to bed at around 9 at that age; there was absolutely no need for me to get them into a routine where they were awake by 7.

I would recommend not feeding her every time she cries in the night - she doesn’t need it for nourishment anymore and it perpetuates the cycle of waking to feed. Go to her when she cries but comfort without a feed.

Hope any of that is helpful! It is a case of trial an error at this stage, but you’ll get through it I promise.

First, there’s nothing wrong in finding it hard to make a decision when you’re sleep deprived. It’s used as a torture method for a reason.
Second, all babies/children are different- don’t feel bad about whatever you decide just because SILs baby behaves differently to yours.
Whether or not you do controlled crying is something only you can decide but I suggest you do need to do something. Babies are very good at working out how to get what they want: usually it’s attention and once they’ve figured out it can be got by crying, they are unlikely to stop unless you do something to break the pattern. As has been suggested by other posters, put baby in its own room. Keep night feeds boring-low light, little interaction other than feed and change and then leave baby in its own cot. You know it’s needs have been met and it can safely be left to cry for a while.
Long term, baby needs to learn how to go to sleep by itself in its own bed. That will not be easy if it is sharing your bed and being nursed back to sleep whenever it wakes.
Also, it is probably better for your relationship with your dh to have bed back

My son was a terrible sleeper. He always woke up as I put a load of shampoo on my head it's like he could sense it. But I always responded to him. He started sleeping through at 16 months. A long time to wait. But there were no tears. You need to decide if you can wait for however long it will take her. Now that he sleeps through I miss the night time cuddles.

I went through all this. It ended up with me in the corner of her room weeping quietly and rocking back and forth. I would never leave her to cry. I suggest the method where you sleep next to her cot, and over the course of a few weeks move slowly away more and more each night. It's a good method. You end up on the floor in the hall ha! It works for lots. I eventually had this routine though...I would put her to sleep in her own bed. Me and hubby went to bed. I would continue to get up and settle her until 2am. Then I would put her in my bed and Chuck hubby out.

After having 3 dc ranging from one who only slept for 2 hour chunks (until he was 3 and a half years old) to one who slept sporadically and the last one who sleeps 10 hours a night well I would say you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this stage. If that's controlled crying then so be it. Honestly, you're health and well-being is very important too.

The indecisiveness is totally normal when sleep deprived. It's hard to know what is for the best when there's a baby relying on you to make the best decision. My dc are teenagers now but what I've learnt is that as long as the decision comes from a place of care and the need to keep you all okay mentally and physically then it's the right decision. Try and trust your instincts more. If you try something and it doesn't work out or feel right you can just try something different. Parenting is hard and the decision get harder as they get older but your confidence will grow. Nothing at all wrong with deferring to your dh either. Me and dh try and make decisions together but I trust him so I have no issue with him making decisions if I can't think straight.

Forgot to say I was absolutely against controlled crying with dc 1. I couldn't understand how anyone could do it. Then dc 2 came along and I completely understood why people did it and I tried it (along with about 200 other things and nothing worked and he's still a rubbish sleeper now). Dc 3 didn't need controled crying because he slept well by himself but I was fully prepared to do it if it meant my sanity was taking a battering through lack of sleep.

Unfortunately this is not one of those scenarios where someone can give you the answer. Only thing I will say is don’t rely on the fact that your dn asked to sleep on a big bed at 2 - that’s absolutely great, but each kid is different, and not every kid will do that. I’m currently sat on bed next to ds aged 6 as he's just moved into his own bedroom (was sharing with sibling) and doesn’t like to fall asleep alone! Grrrr

Yanbu. Your DH loves her too and is standing up to make a choice when you can’t. Sounds like good teamwork to me.

Bless you. Take a deep breath, put her in her cot and do the controlled crying. It works. Also don’t feed her when she wakes at night, your making it worth her while to wake up. At 9 months she doesn’t need night feeds.

I was in the cycle too. My ds wouldn't settle at all in his cot. I happily co sleep but like you wanted some time to myself! I got rid of the cot and put ds in the middle of my bed and have the monitor on to check on him. He wakes every hour or so but a quick feed and he goes to sleep. I think wth all parenting, there are pros and cons, you need to think about what sort of mum you want to be. I personally dont feel comfortable with cc as i dont want my ds to feel anxious without me. However, I have friends who do cc and say they want their children to be strong and independent

Hi love, been there, you have all my support ❤ My baby would only sleep on my chest, for her first year. That meant me going to bed at 7.30 each night. My husband slept in the other room on weekdays but came in with us weekends, so he wasn't shattered during the work week. We were at the end of our tether, I was sleep deprived from waking every two hours at her whim. We spoke to the health visitor who recommended this system: good clear bedtime routine (bath, story, bed). In the cot, rub the babys back gently and say 'mummy loves you, but its beddybyes' in a soft voice a few times, as a cue. Leave the room. If she's crying, go back in after 15 seconds and rub back, say the words. Leave. If still crying, go back in after 30 seconds, then 45, going up in intervals of 15 seconds each time, to a maximum of 1.30 (one minute thirty seconds), then repeat 1.30 intervals as long as needed. The first few nights were hard but it worked. You're never leaving them long enough to become distressing for you or the baby, they know you're close at hand, and they know you will come if they cry. My now toddler is still incredibly close witn us both and very secure in our love. I hope you find something that works for you and remember that you are doing a brilliant job xx

Im sorry, i habent rtft.

I think if you are wavering this much over how to proceed, controlled crying isn't for you. I didn't do it because I just couldn't leave my babies to cry. I couldn't have coped with it, despite my first being a terrible sleeper.

In your position (which sounds very much like mine) what i did was start trying to resettle another way before you go to bed. Pick up, cuddle, sing, whatever. Fed to sleep once I was in bed. Started introducing a soppy of cows milk at bedtime at 12 months. Started gradual withdrawal at around 13 months. Sleeping through (with no crying) by 15 months.

The most important thing to realise is that it’s not that critical.

You love her and look after her and given you do that, the impact on your DD of whatever choice you make between the options you are considering in the long term is not very much.

Given I think anything will work, my practical advice is three things.

(1) Don’t feel guilty about your choice.
(2) Have a vision of what you want to achieve.
(3) Once you make a choice, stick to it for long enough to let it work.

I may be projecting so think carefully about what I’m saying and if I’m wrong, ignore me, but it seems to me that:

Your version of (2), your vision, is having your evening back in the relatively short term.

That means you need to train her to sleep alone again.

Honestly, read a technique for doing that and stick to it. Don’t give in to your feelings of guilt; you are doing brilliantly, and she’s lucky to have such a loving mother, and she’ll be just fine. Don’t stress about who makes the decision: in all honesty you know it’s your way of lessening the feeling of guilt.

Best wishes.