To let my husband make a big decision, as I am struggling to know what's best for my own daughter?

[LittleBeansMum]

My DD is 9 months and we've been having trouble with getting her to sleep. She always slept well in her cot, until the 4-month sleep regression hit, and since then she has been in bed with me while DH sleeps downstairs in our spare room. We gave in one particularly bad week around 4 months, and she hasn't slept in her cot properly since.
I don't mind the co-sleeping particularly, (although I'm looking forward to having our bed back one day!!) but the part I find really hard is the hours between when DD goes to sleep and when I do, because I really miss having evenings with my husband, and having to go up to feed her back to sleep several times in a 2-hour period is starting to really effect how I'm feeling (not
to mention the quality of her sleep!)

I'm currently at home all day, and very much enjoying it, but need an hour to myself of an evening (or during one if DD's naps in the day) where DD doesn't wake up, and I can just be "me" for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I'm just winding down, when I hear her over the baby monitor, and it's really starting to get to me.

I've been looking at how to to get DD sleeping back in her cot again, and I keep coming back to control crying, which is something I thought I'd never do. I really dread the thought of listening to her cry, and I'm worried that it will make her not feel as close to me or something.

But what I'm finding the hardest is that I'll talk to one person and become convinced by their opinion, and then another person who thinks the opposite and I'll start to think the opposite view is a good idea so I'm constantly switching between "but I see what they mean" and "they've got a point there" and "let's do it like this...it worked for so and so" and then when I get to the point where someone says "well you'll just have to do what's right for you and DD" I just want to dissolve into a pile of tears because I no longer know what's right for her. I have read so many articles and heard so many personal anecdotes that my brain is fried, and I can't see the woods for the trees.

I got to the point where I just blurted all this out to my DH and said "here's all the pro's for this and all the cons for that etc." and just told HIM to make the decision, and he said that he thought we should go down the controlled crying route. And I was totally ready to do it it (knowing that my husband is better at making decisions without letting emotions get in the way than I am), and then my SIL was talking about how when her daughter was 2 she just said "I'm ready to sleep in a big bed now, mummy" and so she never needed to do "any of that crying". And I suddenly felt like I was back where I started.

I don't know how to tell my husband that having told him to make the decision, I still feel as confused as ever. I don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but I've also heard of women who suffered from pnd after the guilt of doing controlled crying and because I feel so close to the edge myself, I'm scared that if I stay this tired for too long I run that risk, or if I go down the controlled crying route and then regret it that it might push me over the edge. I'm normally so level-headed, but with this I am changing my mind about 100 times a week and it's starting to be all I think and read about, which can't be healthy!

How do you work out what is right for your child when you can't even think straight? Everyone seems to think I should have an instinct....but it changes all the time! Should I just trust my husband to make the right decision seeing as I can't, as he knows all the factors involved?

CIO just teaches them they can’t trust you to come back to them when they need/want you. CC soon morphs into CIO.

There are many better options than teaching your child they can’t trust you to come back.

You cannot say ‘it didn’t hurt my child’ because you cannot know how it affects them emotionally throughout their lives.

Why do something that has the potential to damage them when it’s unnecessary.

I couldn’t bring myself to do controlled crying.

Go and read my current thread for an account of how well that’s going for me 😩

I've not RTFT, but I did controlled crying with both of mine and both of them are happy and confident, they are also both very caring and loving.

@TooMuchPeppa86 I'm sorry to hear that!! I hope it improves soon...

Thank you all for all of your input. I know there are different ways for different people, and everyone does what they think is right for them and for their children... but what do you do when you have lost all sense of what that is, and your ability to work it out is compromised?

** just trust someone else to make the call?

My husband did controlled crying with ds1. He got him to sleep through within a week . I waited downstairs with headphones on

I did CC with my first (9 years ago). Worked a treat, but was TOUGH. However shes an excellent sleeper even now. My 2 year old I wasnt prepared to do controlled crying (he is 10x more clingy than my first) he still doesn't sleep through completely but what has worked was compromise. Up until 2 months ago he was co sleeping which was hard on all of us. He would wake and scream when being put in the cot and wouldn't settle in there regardless of what I tried. We got a toddler bed and pushed it right up against ours, he now goes to sleep on his own and has lost the fear of being left and trapped in the cot. He will get out occasionally in the night and move into our bed but will go back easily. Hes like a different child. I also know a few people who have taken one side off the cot, levelled it with the bed so its effectively like the next to me cribs for smaller babies. Dont put pressure on yourself, take it easy and explore all options.

Hi OP

Leaving a small baby to cry for long periods of time doeant sound like a good idea. Leaving a baby to sleep in your bed to the point where its affecting your life and relationship etc is also not a good idea.

I would say there is some middle ground. I sleep trained both my babies. One at 10 months and one at 7 months. The 7 month old was terrible waking every 90 min for a feed and co sleeping etc. I thought she was too young for CC. We got a sleep consultant in.

We did the disappearing chair method and put her in her own cot in her own room. I say we but my husband did thr first few nights as advised by the consultant. Sitting right next to her cot and picking her up when she got very distressed and patting her through the cot through the crying. The first night she took 40 min to go to sleep but we were there with her. She woke up once and I fed her. Then after that she slept through.

It hasn't made her think 'theres no point in crying as noone responds', if she is crying like she is hurt or crying for more than a few minutes we go in and if this happens more than once in a night then we will take her in bed with us. So she knows if she cries she can come in bed with us but she doesnt.

It honestly changed our lives. She got into a predictable napping schedule in the day. She seemed much happier because she wasnt always over tired. She ate a lot better in the day because she wasnt drinking milk all night. I could function again. I'd had to put older child in nursery as was too tired to look after her, I could drop her days down. I signed the baby up for classes that I'd been too tired to face before. And I finally had evenings back, even an hour of watching tv made me feel much more normal. The not sleeping had affected me so much, it took another 7 months or so before my anxiety around sleep went back to normal (for ages I'd really panic every time she stirred or woke thinking she would revert back to being a bad sleeper).

Obviously you are going to get lots of different views here but please bear in mind -

Dont take too much notice of people quoting studies not sharing links. They are often for extreme cases eg crying it out on very young children.

There are shades of grey and middle grounds. With both my children we picked them up and gave them a cuddle and didnt leave them to cry alone for more than a few minutes. It probably takes longer but its more gentle. It doesn't have to be leave them to cry all night vs sleep with them til they are 5

If you try something and it's not working you dont have to persevere. Both of mine worked straight away but if either had screamed more than an hour or until they were sick or hurting themselves then I wouldn't have continued.

Remember there are adverse effects for children not getting enough sleep, as well as from being ignored or crying it out.

Remember you are important here as well. You dont need to martyr yourself for the sake of avoiding a few minutes of crying. Its important you look after your own health, and not having an hour to yourself in the evening, and driving when you are extremely tired etc are valid reasons to give something a go.

Whatever parenting decision you make there will be someone saying you are doing it wrong or some study that says its harming your child. Literally almost everything. You will never actually know whether decisions you made were the right ones even with hindsight. You can only do what you believe to be the right thing at the time, for everyone in the family

Think of it this way. Would you make a big decision if you were drunk, or trust your husband to if he was the sober one? That’s basically what you’re facing.

When my husband flew helicopters, they used to not let them fly on less than six hours of sleep because they said decision-making would basically be the same as drink-driving. Sleep deprivation is the same as trying to think when you’re sloshed. I say it every time I respond to a thread that involves sleep issues, but there’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture!

Whatever you choose to do, for your health, for your sanity, for your family, is the right decision. Someone has already included a study that shows controlled crying will not harm your child, so please don’t worry. If you can’t do it, many others have mentioned the pick up put down method, which won’t involve controlled crying. Also to be clear, controlled crying should not involve leaving baby to cry for long periods. (So much misinformation; sigh). But more importantly, I would get your husband involved; send him to settle baby. They do not NEED to feed to sleep at that age and smelling the milk on you means you’ll never break the association on your own. Go out for an hour at bed time, or just watch your show, do your puzzle, read your book, and leave him to it. You can’t do this alone, and you shouldn’t have to.

Good luck, OP. It’s so, so hard to sort anything without sleep.

One thing that helped me make this decision was this. I really believe good sleep is vital to a child's development. Poor sleep can really effect their mood, which can have massive knock on effects on everything else, including development. So for me, are they sleeping well enough for their own sake? Is the current situation working for them? If not then action is required, whatever you decide that to be! We did controlled crying and I'm confident in my decision on this basis, a couple of hours crying for a couple of nights (not all at once) then everyone sleeps, child is better for it as well as the parent. If you feel the same then you'll find it much easier to do at 9m than at 12m or older.

Oh and I used a sleep consultant at several points. So I basically paid someone to tell me what to do!!! That's got to be worse than letting your dh decide, right?!

Think of it this way. Would you make a big decision if you were drunk, or trust your husband to if he was the sober one? That’s basically what you’re facing

Agree!

(especially as you’re paralysed with indecision)

Thanks ever so much guys. I feel much better now.
You're absolutely right - if my decision-making was compromised for any other reason, I would totally trust my husband. I think I had a severe case of the "mum guilts" because I was asking him to do it for me! But I can see that that's silly now! (Just woke from a cracking nap and caught up on this thread which probably helped Haha!!)
DD is so over-tired, struggling and waking constantly and doesn't know which way is up. DH knows her and loves her and wants what's best for her, and he is there to help me! We are in this together after all! So that's my post-snooze epiphany
I will show him this thread - and trust him to do his research and make a decision for our family's interests.

Although....I notice people suggest putting clothes, familiar toys etc in. What age does that become safe? I thought no cuddly toys or anything (so her cot is totally empty lol) - is that just for newborns? Xxx

I agree about getting your husband involved but not if he's just going to do cc. There are gentler ways. I have mine try to settle on first wake up, sometimes works sometimes not but over time I know it'll work more. My first DD woke lots before I went to bed, I used lots of tips from the No Cry Sleep Solution but ultimately I think she needed to come out of the 8-10 month sleep regression and then I had my evenings back (she didn't sleep through but would wake after I went to bed). You are so nearly there, OP. It got a lot easier for me at 11-12 months. See sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/11/18/what-the-heck-goes-wrong-sleep-wise-at-8-10-months/amp/ for details on sleep regression

You should never feel guilty about getting her own dad to share the load, he's equally responsible!

We got my daughter one of those chicco bears that plays music and projects stars, which seems to settle her if she's a bit disturbed and you don't have to put it directly in the cot with her. Something like that might help.

I'm not sure you need lots of advice about the specifics of how to get your baby to sleep better... You probably need to know that whatever you choose to do, it will be fine! You are a good mum because you've thought about this so much. Whether you choose controlled crying or a more gentle approach, or a combination, your baby will be fine and it's ok to not get it totally right. Don't let others tell you what you should or shouldn't do, I know it's so hard when there are so many opinions flying about! I felt so much like you with my first but decided to do it my own way in the end, a bit of trial and error, trying something, whether it's a dummy, cc, or getting your husband to try and settle her, is usually better than nothing and will likely bring some change. I have friends with kids who did cc and friends who co slept for years... They're all good mums!

I agree about getting your husband involved but not if he's just going to do cc

I don't know what DH will decide but I know he'll take it seriously and read all the posts and links etc to inform his decision. He's good at that sort of thing! 😊

Try gradual retreat instead . Just sit on the floor by the bed till baby goes to sleep , and gradually over a number of days increase the distance between you and the cot until youre outside the door .

Just wanted to add support to the idea that dad sounds perfectly able to make parenting decisions. It isn't just down to mums to do this. This isn't a load you have to carry by yourself.

I'm not sure why everyone is giving you opinions of what you should do when the last thing you need is more opinions!

I really feel for you - I was exactly the same with sleep training (and various other issues!). I would keep changing my mind and get really worked up about it so tell my DH to make a decision, then tell him it was the wrong decision, then start doubting whether it was actually the wrong decision. In the end I let him make the decision, and I'm glad I did because I really was stressing myself out unnecessarily.

What we actually did is pretty irrelevant to your situation as you or your husband have to decide what works for you as a family. Ultimately, I don't regret what we did although I can't ever know if it was the right decision (if such a thing exists).

So in answer to your question - you are both her parents so if he is in a better emotional place to make the decision then let him. It will seem unimportant in the future, although two years down the line I do still question myself nearly as much just about different stuff! But I am much better now at saying to my husband, "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, please could you decide what to do" and then going with it.

I actually don’t have a problem with people who choose controlled crying (their baby, their choice) but it didn’t sit right with me and I also don’t think it’s necessary. My first DC slept from a couple of months no problem. My second was similar to yours. I went to a baby sleep expert (who doesn’t use controlled crying) and through over the phone advice only, she helped us to solve the problem in a matter of days!
For your sanity, it’s worth the investment!
Look up Little Solutions Maternity Nurse and Childcare Consultant!

I’ve never understood why people think controlled crying means leaving your baby to just scream it’s lungs out? It was never explained like that to me (we went to a sleep clinic). It very much means you go back to soothe them every time they cry but don’t feed them back to sleep. So it takes a long time out of your evening but it means going back in after (for example) 30 seconds of crying and soothing by talking and patting them. Then each time you can increase it by even 10 seconds before you go back in and just do a tiny less soothing. Once a reasonable time has gone by (for me I think it was 2 hours) then they get fed but go in before they get hysterical, ie when just fussing.
Anyway, this was quite a long time ago for me (!!). But does controlled crying now mean just leaving them to cry until they cry themselves to sleep? I don’t think anyone really does this do they?

I can totally relate to this! Me & DH didn’t want to do controlled crying at all but sometimes he would be swayed as he hated being in the spare room and i think me co-sleeping and me feeding DD to sleep very nearly ruined our marriage.

I was also in a bad way with all the different advice and not knowing what to do for the best.

When DD was 15 months old DH started an argument about it all with me again, so I said to him well tomorrow night while i am out (i was only out for 4 hours) you try her in her cot in her own room. We had taken the side off the cot and put another matress next to it incase she rolled out.

He tried and it worked and now i don’t need to feed her to sleep. She usually wakes once in the night and i go feed her back to sleep but she has slept through a few times.

What I would say is i think the reason it worked is because she was ready! Both emotionally and developmentally.

Sending you hugs. Feel free to PM me anytime. Good luck with your journey x

There are other sleep training strategies besides controlled crying, so maybe try one of the less upsetting (to you) ones before that one? As another poster said, get Dad to put her to bed so there is no feeding on offer. Go in when she cries but don't take her out of the room. Keep the room dark, and no food when she wakes up after bedtime - she is old enough to go 12 hours without a meal and as another poster has said you need to disassociate feeding and getting to sleep.

Good luck and hang in there!