Husband unwilling to compromise over Christmas plans

[Joules33]

Sorry this is another Christmas family thread

Myself and my husband used to alternate spending Christmas with our families but over the last few years a few things have changed for us. My parents downsized and moved away further so they don't have space to accommodate us and our family grew from 3 to 5 in the last year.

Last year we spent Christmas with his family even though I was only 2 weeks post section, technically this year we should be going to mine. I want to do Christmas in our home this year. My husband is opposed to this for these reasons:

"It will be boring just the 5 of us" - my answer was well why don't we spend Christmas morning at ours and I'l cook lunch then we drive over to your mums and stay over. My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

My husband has siblings too and every year they all go to mils too with their partners and their children so it's not like she would be on her own but I'm made feel odd for wanting to do my own thing once in a while.

I suggested just having my family over since we haven't had Christmas with them in a few years but I was met with so we can sit and talk about the weather and they can treat me like a stranger in our own home. This is an issue he has with my family and I do see it in particular how my dad treats my husband but that's a whole other thread.

I'm just at a loss what to do. This year I have the whole of Christmas off including Christmas eve and Boxing Day but next year I will be working those days and won't be able to take the three days off together again for another 3 years which is company policy.

When I try bring it up I'm causing an argument. Sorry it's long

He’s not being very nice. I think it’s fine to alternate what you want to do. One year you decide, the next year he decides. We have Christmas just us and the kids and it’s plenty of fun. I’d put your foot down and insist you’re not going.

So what does he want to do?

He actually won't even discuss it. He just shuts the topic down on the basis that I'm causing an argument why don't we just drop for now. I have no problem spending time with his family we're all going away together after Christmas too.

It's your turn to have what you want. I think having your parents over would be a good idea. The less he sees of them, the more they will feel and treat him like a stranger. The best way to handle this is to see your parents more so that try get develop a better bond with your DH.

How will it be boring, given the age of your children? Does he drink at his Parents, check out of Parenting, what's different?

If you do stay home, I'd simplify the cooking as much as possible.

Technically it is your turn to decide.

Tricky. Maybe leave it a month and then try again (but let your parents know if they think you'll be coming to them).

Christmas at yours, extend invites, if they don't want to come they don't and you have a blissful Christmas on your own.

YANBU OP, your DH has an attitude problem in that he:

• Thinks spending time with his DW and 3 DC will be 'boring'
• Assumes he will not be helping in any way with the preparation/cooking if you stay at home

I'd probably opt to spend it at home and invite your DPs over to yours instead of you going to them. What's the difference apart from being in a different location? If your DH has a problem with your DF then that needs to be tackled separately. What does he mean about your DF 'treating him like a stranger'?

Is he trying to wangle spending Christmas Day with his own family again? If you don't invite yours over then it will be years before you're in a position to do it again by the sound of it.

So don’t ask, tell him?
“Look DH, I really want to spend Christmas here this year. I know you think it will be boring and I’ll be annoyed, but we are going to give it a shot. If it turns out crap, fine, we can make other arrangements for next year. But this year it’s my families turn and this year I am staying at home.”
Then let him decide if he’s staying at home with you and the kids or if he’s grumping off to mummy’s.

Well you tell him what is going to happen this year and then refuse to discuss it. If you can’t even bring the subject up, text him. He’s very controlling OP, take back some control yourself.

Don't have your parents over if they do actually treat him badly.

Are all the children his? Ypur Parents have had well enough time to treat him with respect, especially as they are not in their home.

He can't force you to go and you can't force him to stay home. If you cannot come to an agreement then let him off and you stay home and get some M&S food that just need to be put in the oven/microwave. I wouldn't be giving in especially seeing as you are going away with his family after Christmas. That and spending Christmas with them would be too much for my liking.

It's your year so you get to decide. I'd be very upset if my dh said he'd find Xmas boring with just myself and our dh

If he's not willing to discuss it then just plop ahead with your plans that you want to do. He can bury his head in the sand all he likes but if he's unwilling to discuss then he can't moan at the outcome

ToffeePennie said it perfectly. You start a family at home Christmas tradition. He decides whether to be a father or go home to his mummy.

My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words
Why is it automatically assumed that YOU will be doing all the cooking?
How about DH takes that on?
Let me guess - he can't?

It's plainly obvious that he just wants to be with his parents and siblings and enjoy being waited on hand and foot without having to really worry about things like cooking, cleaning, childcare etc.
No doubt he will be choosing to drink so YOU have to remain teetotal?
He didn't even give a shit that you were so recently post surgery last year -he just wanted it all his own way.

If i were you i'd just put my foot down and have xmas at home.
If he refuses to join in and refuses to do his share of cooking,cleaning, childcare and hosting - then that would be IT for me.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person OP.

@Joules33

YANBU. What a drag. And why is it going to be 'boring' with just the 5 of you?!

It's times like this that I am glad to have no extended family in this country - both sets of parents have passed some years ago, and also grandparents, and our siblings (one each,) have moved overseas and we just see them in the summer for a week.

Our 2 (adult) DC spend Christmas with their partners. We go out around 22nd/23rd for a meal with them and their partners, and have Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day on our own - just me and DH,

It's absolute heaven, after a couple of decades of trying to please everyone (when we were younger!)

I hope you get it sorted. Put your foot down, and say you and the DC will stay home, and HE can go to his family, Probably enjoy it more without him anyway,

If he won't discuss it, tell him that you'll make the decision without him and he knows what that would be.

Another one here who doesn't understand what is so dreadfully boring about spending Christmas morning with your children. Once we started having children we made a fully agreed decision that we would not be visiting anyone on Christmas Day, having seen too many friends cursing about having to spend Christmas Day driving around the country with fractious kids. We'd see family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, and would phone them on the day. We've never been bored on Christmas Day.

He sounds like he’s being a dick about it, tbh. If you alternate his family and your family, it is time to spend Christmas with your family this year. It shouldn’t matter whether it’s at their house or yours. Logistically it seems to make sense for your parents to come to you.

I would tell him that’s what’s happening. He doesn’t get two years in a row with his parents. It’s simply not fair.

and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

That stood out for me. Why should he get away with doing nothing? Why can't he help with preparing veg or whatever?

since he has'nt told you what he wants, and it sounds like he will disagree with any plan, unless you can read his mind and suggest exactly what he wants, as he knows its the year to spend with your family, personally i'd go yes we did your family last year so this year its mine, so you can sit and entertain your kids grandparents for one day, but perhapse as a compromise i'd take advantage of having the whole three days this year and have a mince pies and mulled wine party for both sets of relatives on christmas eve, a bit of a christmas party, make it clear its not a dinner so not a lot of work for you, you can invite a few friends if you want, say that everyone has to go by x time so you can get kids to bed assuming your eldest child is old enough for santa, so assuming yor parents can travel home ok you did say they were a bit further, then have dinner at yours as planned, then arange to do something else boxing day, like visit his family

Also, agree with PP about why it’s assumed you’ll be having to do everything? Is he useless AND selfish? Granted, not everyone enjoys a complicated timings spreadsheet like my DP 😂 but sharing the load of Christmas dinner shouldn’t be beyond him, assuming he is a regular adult.

Since when has he had the last say, he sounds awful.
Sorry, I couldn't be with such a selfish arsehole I'd be having xmas at hme with kids and my family and sending him to ils.
Why did you go when you had such a tiny baby, no way would I have done this and then be treated like he is treating you, shameful.

How does your dad treat your husband then?

I can understand why he doesn't want to spend it with your parents if they treat him badly. I hope you say something to them when they do this.

So your dh wants to spend Christmas with his side of the family and also expects you to go away with them after Christmas as well.

Well Its time to take control and say we are going to talk about Christmas plans and I am not going to spend Christmas and after Christmas away with your family and as we have already spent the previous Christmas at your mums I get to choose what I want to do so I will be having Christmas this year at home and inviting my parents over.

Also say you don’t get to make the decision about where we spend every Christmas, if you don’t like it tough as I have already started planning and if you wish to spend it with our children me and my parents I expect you to be polite and civil for the day, remember I tolerate your family as well so it works both ways.

Tell him also that any sulking from him and you will be spending every Christmas at home.