Husband unwilling to compromise over Christmas plans

[Joules33]

Sorry this is another Christmas family thread

Myself and my husband used to alternate spending Christmas with our families but over the last few years a few things have changed for us. My parents downsized and moved away further so they don't have space to accommodate us and our family grew from 3 to 5 in the last year.

Last year we spent Christmas with his family even though I was only 2 weeks post section, technically this year we should be going to mine. I want to do Christmas in our home this year. My husband is opposed to this for these reasons:

"It will be boring just the 5 of us" - my answer was well why don't we spend Christmas morning at ours and I'l cook lunch then we drive over to your mums and stay over. My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

My husband has siblings too and every year they all go to mils too with their partners and their children so it's not like she would be on her own but I'm made feel odd for wanting to do my own thing once in a while.

I suggested just having my family over since we haven't had Christmas with them in a few years but I was met with so we can sit and talk about the weather and they can treat me like a stranger in our own home. This is an issue he has with my family and I do see it in particular how my dad treats my husband but that's a whole other thread.

I'm just at a loss what to do. This year I have the whole of Christmas off including Christmas eve and Boxing Day but next year I will be working those days and won't be able to take the three days off together again for another 3 years which is company policy.

When I try bring it up I'm causing an argument. Sorry it's long

If you DF treats your DH like a stranger then, no, absolutely your DH does not have to have you DF over.

If you don’t want to go to his parents then don’t go.

Book lunch out at a restaurant so neither of you need to cook.

He sounds like a prize dick to be honest. Stay at home invite your family and pack him off to mummy. Have a much nicer Christmas. Sorted.

How exactly does your dad treat your DH?

I think that's an important factor here. You appear to agree that your dad doesn't treat your DH well. Is it justified?

If it isn't and your dad is in the wrong then I don't think it's fair to expect your husband to tolerate it in his own home, regardless of how many Christmases you've spent with his family.

In that case the compromise is you spend it at home just the 5 of you, with no in laws or parents.

No reply from OP. I think you invite your dps, its not fair on them and you should see your family some Christmases. I also thinj DH needs to help host.

So basically he’s saying that being with just you is boring. He obviously needs a crowd.

Don't let him dictate what will happen again this Christmas, it is your turn to choose. Also, if you spend it again with his family, they will be expecting that every Christmas. With very young children surely you need to be at home? We respect the choices our daughters make about Christmas, they make it fair and their husbands are happy to go along with what is decided as a result of the fairness. Our daughters mostly choose to stay at home with their children and then will alternate where they go for Boxing Day and New Year.

So, basically he’s gaslighting and guilt tripping you into what he wants to do. Maybe if your parents aren’t overly sociable with him, perhaps he needs to look at why? I haven’t read all the posts so ignore that if there is a valid reason. Either way, it doesn’t seem as though what you want counts here at all. Sometimes you just want to wake up in your own house and have your own family around you. If he has a problem with spending time with his own family, I think he has some evaluating to do.

First of all you are not causing an argument: he is by refusing to discuss this as an adult until you can find a reasonable solution.

Second of all, your husband is acting like a spoilt, petulant child. How DARE he call his own family boring?

No offence but you need to get a backbone and take him to task.

Tell him: I've tried to discuss this so we can find a solution but you are being selfish and rude. I went to your family last year 2 weeks post baby and as I won't get Christmas off for the next 3 years I'm doing Christmas at home... it's not a request. Then stick to your guns.

Selfish husband. I would call him on a rug. But then again it was all along the dinamics in your relationship. I am sure it us nothing new when he wants his way and it happens... i would draw a line esp if have 3 own children. Can celebrate at home. People coming to you etc... doesnt sound like his family will do that though?
Weird selfishness

Wow! I got as far as DH would find you and your children’s company ‘boring’ and you would get cross at him sitting on his a@*& doing nothing and stopped reading any further. If my husband told me I was boring and would be surprised that I would be unhappy about him not pulling his weight, I’d be speaking to him through a divorce lawyer.

Oh dear - Christmas can be tricky for a lot of families but you are definitely NBU! It is your turn to choose this year and if he’s saying it’s going to turn into an argument if you discuss it that only because he’s not letting you have your turn to choose. Does he do this a lot where he needs to get his own way all the time?
Also sorry but how is it boring to spend Christmas with you and your children??? Especially as you say you are going away with his family after Christmas? Sorry but he really is being selfish with this one and you need to be firm and insist that it is your choice this time. You have suggested either you guys at home alone or with your family and he doesn’t like either idea - just sounds like he’ll say anything to get his own way. You need to stand your ground on this one I’m afraid x

Well your DH sounds like a right wanker. Sorry op, but it's true. Christmas is about the children, once they arrive. They want to be at home playing with their new toys. Maybe your dad doesn't like the way your husband treats you. "Trying to start an argument" was a line my dickhead dad used to use on my mum-he was an emotionally abusive nob too. Stand up for yourself. Do it for you and your children

How about your parents come to you. Your husband is there for a bit. Then goes to his own parents (where he can sit like a little prince while mummy cooks and waits hand and foot on him)leaving you with yours. Everybody’s happy.

We did Christmas just the 4 of us last year for the first time ever (dc were 10 and 13) and actually... it was boring compared with spending it with the extended family. All four of us agreed afterwards that it had been ok but that we definitely weren't doing it again! Dh cooked the whole Christmas dinner though. There's no excuse for your dh to get away with doing nothing, OP.

My grandparents had a big family get together every Christmas day in the evening when we were children- there were 25+ of us over an 18 year age range. For all of us it was and remains the best memories of Christmas. Occasionally as an adult I had to miss it and Christmas just didn't feel right. Maybe he's like me and actually LIKES his parents,siblings and niblings. Don't let your kids ( and their cousins)miss out on that. Also the descriptions of your husband as "vile" etc. and telling you he's lazy...just because he (quite rightly IMO) thinks your suggestion sounds boring. And obviously while you were cooking he'd be childminding -

Thank you everyone for all your responses . I've just had a read through them and sorry I couldn't reply sooner as I don't get home to late last night.

So I brought it up with him again and pushed on my parents. He is adamant that my parents don't feel uncomfortable around him. He says he feels like when they visit or if we visit it's like they can't wait to get rid of us or go home. There's no doubt they love our kids but he said it's clear they've no time for us as when we needed help when our house flooded and ds was only a baby they basically put their heads in the sand until it all blew over.

My dad is the type that wants to know everyone's business but won't tell anyone a thing about himself. He's the exact same way with me and everyone else but my husband finds this standoffish.

We do socialize more with my husbands family but that's because they hold more parties and we get invited to more events whereas my family hate social events. They're not perfect but they're still my family and I'm not going to turn my back on them to spend every Christmas with my husbands family either as I wouldn't expect my husband to spend Christmas with my family every year nor would I ask. It goes without saying that if his mum wasn't well of course we'd be spending Christmas with her regardless of who's turn it was but my husband telling me his mums not going to be around forever I feel I emotionally blackmailing me.

You are getting nowhere negotiating, because he isn't listening. I'd call his bluff and say you're staying at home this year, and he will have to decide what he wants for himself.

And he won't discuss it further, as it's his way of winning and railroading you.

Well, nor are you going to be around forever op. So have the Christmas you want as it’s your turn.

When you have small children, in fact, when you have children who still believe in Santa Claus, the best and easiest Christmas is in your own home. Sod all patents. Spend Christmas in your own home. Establish a new tradition of visiting parents after St Stephens day in the days between New Year. There's almost a week to split between both sets of parents. Broke no arguments. Establish your own family traditions. Hubby and I did that a few years after marriage. Spent Christmas alone, saw who we liked in-between New Year, not always in-laws. Bliss. Christmas is just one part of the year. Dump the pressure.

What about if you booked a meal for just your own family on Christmas day (to reduce chores and stress for you) and then drop by to visit his family later. You get your personal family time, less stress, no cooking; he gets to see his family.

@IAmBumblebee booking a meal wouldn't be an option no where is open on Christmas Day around were we live we'd have to travel a fair bit but I'd be willing to compromise on ordering M&S food in but he just seems so against compromising.

I can understand not wanting to have Xmas just you 5 and that’s what you said originally until he said he’d rather go to his family and then you said about having your parents visit you. So you obviously don’t want to go to his family for some reason, which is fine but maybe be clear about why you want to do something different. Would your parents want to come to you if you asked?
However, he should respect your wishes whatever they are instead of shutting down a discussion.

@Karwomannghia we used to always alternate who's parents we went to and never had an issue. Since my parents moved away they don't have space for us so seeing as this year should have been my year to spend Christmas with my family I want to cook my kids Christmas lunch and open the gifts in the morning at a leisurely place and not care if the sitting room looks like a tornado swept through whereas in mils it's all go go go.
She hosts for 20 and from the time we get there Christmas Eve it's vacuuming, cleaning, setting tables running to the shops for last minute stuff and Christmas morning is similar. I really don't mind helping but I want to be able to enjoy my children and play with them on the day too.

It sounds hard being caught between your dad and your husband. I actually wonder if you do need more people about on Xmas day to dilute your dad a bit. I certainly have relatives like that. But you and DH need to be able to talk about this openly. He's being childish by just shutting down discussion. Your DPs aren't going anywhere and they are his DCs' grandparents too.