Husband unwilling to compromise over Christmas plans

[Joules33]

Sorry this is another Christmas family thread

Myself and my husband used to alternate spending Christmas with our families but over the last few years a few things have changed for us. My parents downsized and moved away further so they don't have space to accommodate us and our family grew from 3 to 5 in the last year.

Last year we spent Christmas with his family even though I was only 2 weeks post section, technically this year we should be going to mine. I want to do Christmas in our home this year. My husband is opposed to this for these reasons:

"It will be boring just the 5 of us" - my answer was well why don't we spend Christmas morning at ours and I'l cook lunch then we drive over to your mums and stay over. My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

My husband has siblings too and every year they all go to mils too with their partners and their children so it's not like she would be on her own but I'm made feel odd for wanting to do my own thing once in a while.

I suggested just having my family over since we haven't had Christmas with them in a few years but I was met with so we can sit and talk about the weather and they can treat me like a stranger in our own home. This is an issue he has with my family and I do see it in particular how my dad treats my husband but that's a whole other thread.

I'm just at a loss what to do. This year I have the whole of Christmas off including Christmas eve and Boxing Day but next year I will be working those days and won't be able to take the three days off together again for another 3 years which is company policy.

When I try bring it up I'm causing an argument. Sorry it's long

Genuinely your husband sounds vile. What's his problem with your parents? Why does it have to be all his way or nothing? How dare he thinks he can just sit around and do nothing to help if you did have a family christmas at home just the 5 of you?? Who the fuck does he think he is "shutting down" the conversation when you're trying to talk about it. He sounds like an overgrown vile man child. Off he can pop to mummy dearest at christmas - you stay at home with the kids and have your parents over and have a great christmas. Then LTB. To be kind you sound like a doormat especially not standing up to him Last year and still going even though you were only 2 weeks post section! So now is the time to step up and tell him his attitude stinks and he doesn't get to make all the decisions for the whole family.

Totally agreeing with SavingSpaces specially after your xmas last year when really you should have been at home being cared for by him.Start your own family traditions from now on.
What is wrong with these men its their family for goodness sake and they should be helping more just stop and think,you have 3 children/run a house/work/arrange Christmas and other family ocassions,no wonder your dad has nothing in common with your OH your dad probably see's that you are run ragged and is not best pleased.

just leave it for now - it's only September!

But refuse to go to his parents and tell him to go if he wants and you have your parents over and have it with them and the kids!

See how he feels about that - i'd not get emotional or argue with him - just tell him what you are doing and leave him to decide what he's doing!

I'd be fairly pissed off tbh that he thinks its boring to spend a day with just you & the kids tbh - wtf

"Can you suggest a compromise otherwise ill be staying here with the children and inviting my dps"

If he objects tell him he had his turn last year.

Another one who would be hurt at being called boring. Are there other problems between you?

I do see it in particular how my dad treats my husband but that's a whole other thread

So how does your Dad treat your Husband? is he rude and unkind or just not willing to put up with crap such as "It will be boring just the 5 of us" and "so we can sit and talk about the weather" or maybe "but I'm made feel odd for wanting to do my own thing once in a while" because that is the one that jumped out at me, how often is what you would like to do met with encouragement or enthusiasm OP, or are your expected to put his family first always? Are his family the prioirty and yours only to be tolerated, because I wonder if your Dad is picking up on that and so is off with your husband.

Sounds like his views are basically based around him not wanting to cook Christmas dinner.

You could compromise and suggest a restaurant Xmas lunch locally? Expensive though...

How could Christmas morning with three small children be boring?!

Honestly, I think that the majority of couples alternate between visiting each set of PILs each year, until children come along and they start spending Christmas Day at home and PILs do the visiting instead.

I had a similar situation, I just said 'off you go so, have a great time at your parents, I will follow over with the children for dessert at 6 o clock.'

And that worked out great. Actually it was a bit quiet with just us, but the children were so happy and that's life. I made him dinner at home and told him he could have both dinners if he wanted. I was really nice about it because it must be hard to miss out when you come from a family that have an amazing christmas. (I dont)
I dont think he has ever eaten the two dinners, he stays at home now and we all go over to his parents in the evening.

So, if you want to stay at home just do that and you can visit his parents in the evening. Or else invite the whole lot to your house (I would never ever do this and would hate it but you might be different!)
So if you can't be happy doing the same thing, do different things and be happy separately. Its only one day and not worth falling out over.
Best of luck.

My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

FFS. Is he really not bright enough to realise that there's a really simple solution to this?

He's acting like a spoilt kid. Christmas isn't about him any more, its about his children, but he wont help do anything to make that happen such as facilitate a relationship with your parents.
I really don't understand grown adults who cant put themselves out for other members of the family for a few hours. Sometimes you just have to take one for the team.

Christmas morning at home with young children is magical for parents. Sitting there groggy, sucking down caffeine, but watching your kids faces, it’s like a hit of the best drug ever invented.

It’s sad that he can’t appreciate what he has in his own little family.

If you are keeping the alternating system, I would invite your parents to yours for Christmas lunch and the next day. Keep the morning mellow and guest free.

I think there are a few things here that make your husband sound like a knob -

You have differing opinions and wants. This is always going to happen over the years in a marriage. You compromised last year but he is not willing to consider compromising, in any way, at all, or even discuss the issue.

He is saying to you that you can't discuss an issue together without arguing. This shouldn't be the case. It's hardly Brexit.

He is admitting that he does nowhere near his fair share of jobs, housework etc over Christmas. Why should he get the time off and not you? I assume he is also like this the rest of the time

He is saying spending time with his own family is boring which is actually very insulting

The only thing I think he might have a point on is how your family treat him?

You need to tell him that his refusal to discuss Christmas and make plans is stressing you out and promise you can discuss it with him calmly and without you arguing back at all. Tell him you feel hurt when he says it would be boring just the 5 of you.
Tell him you are willing to compromise and its upsetting that you dont feel he can say the same. He chose to go to his family last year and this year it's your turn. You can spend it just the 5 of you or ask your family down but put clear boundaries in place around whatever issues they have and maybe get them to stay in a hotel locally.

What do your children want to do?

ok ok it was his turn last year.this time its yours.if he doesnt want to discuss it fine. "ok you can shut me down again.but seen as its my side of the families year that is what we will be doing.no discussion.we are doing it here."

if he continues to sulk "i dont know why you think its fair that we cant discuss it therefore you get your way.i ont think it fair you think your sulking should manipulate me to bdning to your wim especailly when fair is fair we share years. i am not in the wrong so please stop making me feel shit to get your way. and think how it would be if i wanted two years on my side."

OP, he does not sound nice.

Wow to finding Christmas morning with your 3 children boring. Just Wow!🙄

Book two days away with the kids and tell him he's welcome to come, or not.

Normally I'd be firmly in the camp of "If it's already assumed you'll do all the cooking then you get to decide the Christmas you want. Invite your parents and it's a done deal" but if your dad treats your husband badly then it's completely fine for DH to veto your dad's presence.

Does he drink a lot with his siblings whilst you don't and do the driving.

I think I would need to know what you mean about how badly your Dad treats your DH, unlike the posters who seem to have made up their minds it must be your DHs fault or don't care and say invite your parents anyway.

OH is daft. We alternated until we had two little ones. After that was a nightmare so alternated the grandparents visiting us.

Now we are grandparents we are expected to go to theirs which is imo. absolutely the right thing to do. Children are up early, hyper then crash, as guests not great. OH moaned about this so much last year so we did boxing day with all the grandchildren, it drove him nuts, noise, mess etc.

Men are never satisfied.

It all depends on distances and stuff , but I don't think your DH is unreasonable in some aspects. If either of you have family which cook a good Christmas meal then go there!

"It will be boring just the 5 of us"

Or, to rephrase it;
It will be boring with only you to talk to and my young children needing my attention. You might expect me to have a hand in doing stuff when I'd much rather be at my mother's where I am expected to do nothing and my siblings will amuse my children for me.

@Purpleartichoke Christmas morning at home with young children is magical for parents. Sitting there groggy, sucking down caffeine, but watching your kids faces, it’s like a hit of the best drug ever invented.

You haven't taken many drugs, have you?

The bit that bores him is the best bit! Parents the world over will go without presents themselves because all that matters to them is seeing the kids enjoy Christmas!

I don't think it's too early to sort it out at all- otherwise he will just keep putting you off until it's too late and your parents have made other arrangements. I think you need to get in first and invite them, then just proceed with your plans. It might be worth having a word with your dad though, unless his behaviour is because he disapproves of your husband's laziness, in which case let him say what he likes! Your husband may take himself of to his parents' house anyway, but that's his choice.

Basically he wants to go to MIL because she won’t expect him to make any effort for Christmas but you will.

Your DH is an arse. Is he incapable of sharing responsiblity for preparing a meal, playing with the kids and enjoying Xmas morning? Tell him to stop being a baby, and enjoy these Christmases with his young kids! Bloody hell.

This is one of those Mumsnet things. If a woman came on here and said her FIL treated her badly, there’s no way she’d be told to host him at Xmas.

I think the whole work sharing thing is quite understandable n