Husband unwilling to compromise over Christmas plans

[Joules33]

Sorry this is another Christmas family thread

Myself and my husband used to alternate spending Christmas with our families but over the last few years a few things have changed for us. My parents downsized and moved away further so they don't have space to accommodate us and our family grew from 3 to 5 in the last year.

Last year we spent Christmas with his family even though I was only 2 weeks post section, technically this year we should be going to mine. I want to do Christmas in our home this year. My husband is opposed to this for these reasons:

"It will be boring just the 5 of us" - my answer was well why don't we spend Christmas morning at ours and I'l cook lunch then we drive over to your mums and stay over. My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

My husband has siblings too and every year they all go to mils too with their partners and their children so it's not like she would be on her own but I'm made feel odd for wanting to do my own thing once in a while.

I suggested just having my family over since we haven't had Christmas with them in a few years but I was met with so we can sit and talk about the weather and they can treat me like a stranger in our own home. This is an issue he has with my family and I do see it in particular how my dad treats my husband but that's a whole other thread.

I'm just at a loss what to do. This year I have the whole of Christmas off including Christmas eve and Boxing Day but next year I will be working those days and won't be able to take the three days off together again for another 3 years which is company policy.

When I try bring it up I'm causing an argument. Sorry it's long

ah didn’t realise you had to stay over the night before as well.

Why does christmas turn people into selfish morons its just a day. Seriously go and see his family on boxing day and have your family christmas

I totally agree I'm more than happy to go to his family next year for Christmas Day but with us going away with them after Christmas I just want to relax in my own home. He said to me he will stay home but I know down the line it will be thrown back in my face.

Well he’s a tosser isn’t he? Have you said if he brings it up you won’t go to his parents for Christmas next year either? I think you need to be firmer, as he’d like you to be a doormat. Don’t be a doormat. Try bringing up in conversation with friends when he’s around ‘we’re working Christmas out, but dh thinks we should only go to his family for Christmas ever and that’s obviously only going to happen when he’s a single dad and even then the children will only be every second year.’ They will nod and agree!

I'd tell him he can go to his parent's if he wants, but you'll be staying home with the children. You do what you want, and it's his decision what he does. Then he can't get bored with you, and gets to se his family! I think with his attitude,, Christmas Day without him would be quite nice!

She hosts for 20 and from the time we get there Christmas Eve it's vacuuming, cleaning, setting tables running to the shops for last minute stuff and Christmas morning is similar. I really don't mind helping but I want to be able to enjoy my children and play with them on the day too

Hold on OP so when you all go to his family you help get everything prepped, missing time with your young kids and what exactly is your darling Husband doing? Then he has the nerve to say that you will complain if you are at home having to do all the work and he doesn't help, just how many women does he need running about after him? Are you needed at his Mum's to make her workload lighter, is that why he is refusing to compromise on this?

I would tell him if he attempts to throw it in your face, you won't go next year.

As an aside one thing I will fully empathise with on behalf of your husband is your father being extremely nosey about other people's business yet he never tells anyone any of his business.

I absolutely cannot stand this characteristic, and the few people I know like this, I actively a avoid.

I think it is extremely rude, and I can understand him not wishing to be in your father's company for an extended period of time.

Perhaps you should tell your father that he should ease up on the nosey questions as your husband really doesn't like it.

In my experience, people like this are gossips, extremely cute and DO NOT like it at all when anyone asks them even the most basic question.

He'll throw what back in your face? That he had to spend a Christmas not being with his Mummy?

Your description of Christmas at your in-laws really resonated with me - that's what it's like at my Mum's. We spend all day prepping food, cooking food, setting tables, clearing tables, doing dishes. It starts with a champagne breakfast. Then there's the gourmet bbq. Then at night, the full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. All three courses of it. . .

It's bloody exhausting. For the women. Oh, and my DH, who is wicked in the kitchen, or on the barbie. Everyone else sits around eating, drinking and doing what they want.

Why shouldn't you get to cook and eat what you want to cook and eat, on your timetable, in your home, for your year? DH isn't worried about you spending all your time cooking and doing the work - he's terrified he might have to!

he sounds absolutely pathetic op. so he thinks his wife and children are boring. I dont know how you can look at him after that.
I really dont get these pathetic adults who have small and many DC, and would rather spend the day carting them around from house to house just to please their mummy and daddy. when do you and the children get to spend it in your own home.

I wouldn't want to spend xmas with just us four after being used to huge family xmas's and I can see why he doesn't - yet with further updates what it boils down to is, you'll be running around doing the chores and helping his mum whilst he's relaxing with the masses. If he stays at home he'll still be relaxing but he'll be bored whilst you are still running around doing everything. There is a common theme here...

When my kids were young I made sure that I got time to play with my children on xmas morning, whether it was our turn to host or not. I suggest that wherever you end up for xmas you make him pull his weight more and you step back a bit.

Oh and I'm not a pathetic adult who finds my small family boring. I do however, find a small xmas boring because I am used to huge, extended family, christmas chaos.

It's more the inequality of relaxing time that the op needs to address and the fact that her wants need to have equal priority.

Why not do what we do here in Australia (although I know the climate is different), which is order cold cuts of meat, a leg of ham, coleslaw, pasta salad, potato salad etc and just put it out like a smorgasboard and everyone can serve themselves? Or, cook the chicken the night before, and just do a few baked potatoes (or potato salad) and gravy? Not many people here actually cook on the day (it's too fuqking hot, and anyway you're too busy answering phone calls), most of it is prepped the day before or ordered ahead of time from the deli. Although I do think your DH should care enough to help out, at least put food into serving dishes.

And yeah, everyone should at least spend one Christmas day as just themselves and their kids. I don't get this need to have tonnes of people on the day, that's what New Year's Eve is for. I pity people who absolutely must have the whole extended family for Christmas. It sounds exhausting but mostly suffocating. Nothing beats having Christmas in your own home; waking up seeing the kids open their presents, having a champagne breakfast in bed, or a leisurely coffee, putting on Christmas music while slowly getting ready for the day in between answering like a hundred phone calls while putting all the food out and having the day together as a family. Christmas day with extended family, to ME, is what sounds boring. Nothing is more Christmassy and snug and cosy than a nuclear family having Christmas at home. Together, as an actual family. Without everyone else. Can't be beat. I will never go back to the big masse extended family Christmas days. Never! Boring and too full on to enjoy. As a kid, NOTHING beats having Christmas in your own home with just your mum and dad.

SaraNade

Each to their own I think. Some people like the noise and hustle and bustle of being with their extended family. Others like peace, quiet and solitude.

Others, like me, have the misfortune of having their birthday at Christmas and would like just once, to be able to do what they want to do and not what everyone else wants to do, but there we are.

What does your husband do whilst all this preparation? Avoid his boring children and wife? He doesn't sound like he deserves you if he speaks to you in this way.

How did it go OP? Have you decided?
💐💐💐

OP, I wouldn’t have heard anything else beyond “it’ll be boring” as I’d have walked away. What a horrid thing to say! He’d be bored spending Christmas Day with his immediate family? I mean, what?!

Husbands family is from Austria so we always did Christmas Eve with them.
Problem was that my family also did Christmas Eve. My MIL refused to accept that as we were ‘Australian ‘, even though my DM family came from Germany.
We then moved 800 km away so did alternate Christmas, one here, the next at home with extended family. The Christmas here was always with my DM and PIL invited as well.
Now parent too old to travel, and DC spending alternate years with their partners. So last few years we have traveled to parents, FIL books a cooked turkey and DM and I makes sides.
We go to DM and she loves it, sometimes Aunt joins us as well.
On the years we are with my extended family DFIL comes as well.

Celebrate in your own home as you want to do with your parents and he can go spend the day with his parents.
He is trying to exercise far too much control over work you want to be doing so that he won;t have to do any.

I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

LOL, this is why he feels Christmas will be boring.

Not enough cooking and taking care of children to occupy his time.

The tosser.

Your idea of Christmas is how I spend mine and I love it.

When you have young children, in my opinion, Christmas is about them. Shouldn't they get to spend the day in their own home with their own presents. Why does it have to be what the adults want.

this year should have been my year to spend Christmas with my family

Exactly this. You get to stay home and have a family Christmas.

I'd be fine with him going to his mum's. He just has to figure out a cover story.

He thinks Xmas day with his wife and three children would be boring?! That’s a very strange thing to say. Christmas Day with kids is never boring.

And why is he assuming that you will do all of the prep and the cooking? Hasn’t he got any hands?

Christmas morning is sacrosanct in my house and is always at home. Father Christmas will have left stockings to be opened and why would they be anywhere else. I don’t care about the rest of the day but we wake up in our own beds and that’s the law.

If your DH has an issue with you spending all day cooking then that’s easy too - don’t. It’s just a meal. Buy pre prepared, all the supermarkets do them or tell DH it’s his turn to cook this year and you’re going to do what he usually does.