Husband unwilling to compromise over Christmas plans

[Joules33]

Sorry this is another Christmas family thread

Myself and my husband used to alternate spending Christmas with our families but over the last few years a few things have changed for us. My parents downsized and moved away further so they don't have space to accommodate us and our family grew from 3 to 5 in the last year.

Last year we spent Christmas with his family even though I was only 2 weeks post section, technically this year we should be going to mine. I want to do Christmas in our home this year. My husband is opposed to this for these reasons:

"It will be boring just the 5 of us" - my answer was well why don't we spend Christmas morning at ours and I'l cook lunch then we drive over to your mums and stay over. My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

My husband has siblings too and every year they all go to mils too with their partners and their children so it's not like she would be on her own but I'm made feel odd for wanting to do my own thing once in a while.

I suggested just having my family over since we haven't had Christmas with them in a few years but I was met with so we can sit and talk about the weather and they can treat me like a stranger in our own home. This is an issue he has with my family and I do see it in particular how my dad treats my husband but that's a whole other thread.

I'm just at a loss what to do. This year I have the whole of Christmas off including Christmas eve and Boxing Day but next year I will be working those days and won't be able to take the three days off together again for another 3 years which is company policy.

When I try bring it up I'm causing an argument. Sorry it's long

^ I realise my post there could be read two ways since all those things include "you." I actually meant the common denominator is HIM.

He is getting you to STFU by accusing you of "starting an argument."
It takes two people to have an argument; it can't solely be your fault. You are asking him a perfectly reasonable question - if it does escalate into an argument, that is his joint responsibility. He could always agree with you, and then there would be no problem!

You see a lot of these threads and I honestly do not understand why people insist on spending Christmas with all their family when adults . It causes so may arguments because everyone has different idea of what they want Christmas to be .
Yanbu to want to spend Christmas at home , also you compromised with catching up with the family later .
Families grow and it's not always ideal to spend Christmas Day with your sister or brother when you are married with dc of your own .
Stick to your guns otherwise it will just be the same every year .

Imagine saying spending Christmas with your wife and 3 children will be 'boring' 🙄

I don't like Christmas at home just the 4 of us - it is boring. I liked the Christmases we had as children with aunts and uncles and cousins playing games etc. If that's what you are used to then I can understand a small family Christmas may well seem boring and not like a proper Christmas.

As a child I loved our Christmas days with just our family. The days with aunts, uncles and cousins were the boring ones.

it was his choice last time, it's yours this time. do what you want to do.

But that's just it isn't it? We all have our own ideas of what Christmas is?

I don't think the DH is wrong for thinking that a small Christmas isn't what he thinks of as "Christmas" just as I don't think you're wrong for preferring it to just be your family.

If my husband said he’d be bored at Christmas with just his own family for company, I’d fuck him off.

My dh wouldn't have said boring but did used to say it was a time for all the family to be together (ie us and his parents)
I had to just put my foot down a few years ago. It was the best Christmas ever just dc dh and I.

I’d tell him I’m doing x y and z you can please yourself!

Spend Christmas at your house, with your children and your parents. Let him do what he wants. If he really chooses his parents over his children, he’s a wanker. But it’s only one day. Christmas at yours will please 6 people and 1 (him) won’t be happy.

@Derbee
I agree, best solution.

Let him see the faces of people when it emerges what his choice is.

Fyi, he sounds like a right bully too, shouting you down.

You might want to think about that.

Not a nice environment for children to grow up in, watching their mother being bullied.
💐

You might need to remind your DH that he is now a father and his DC of his own. The priority is his DC not himself. Therefore waking up in there own home on Xmas morning is so magical and that time doesn’t last long. There is no reason why you can’t see family later jn the day.

I wouldn't be requiring him to discuss it. I'd be telling him that this year is my family's year, so it's my year to choose, and me and the kids will be having Christmas at ours this year. He's welcome to join us. And then I'd be terminating any 'discussion' by walking away and refusing to enter into negotiations. I would not be bringing up the subject again.

Get the kids all excited about creating your own home family Christmas traditions. Mine love having Eggs Benedict and mimosas for the adults, and whatever the girls want to drink, after having opened our Christmas stockings - everyone gets one, including the cat. . . then we chill out for a while until someone gets bored, and it's time for the bubbles and to do the Christmas tree. . .

My two say that their very best Christmases have been when it's just the four of us, at home. I agree!

I can see some of his point of view (although I still think that its your year your choice) on the cooking front - you are basically making a choice that will either mean that you cook and complain(per him) or presumably he has to cook (and won't enjoy it)- some aspects of the day will be bad for both of you - is that true? Does his mother cook dinner on her own? do you enjoy spending time at his mothers?

can you just spend the morning at yours and go over in time for lunch as a compromise? or not stay over?

I also think your Dad sees the way your DH treats you and has done for a long time, which is why he is so cold towards him. But then, he has a point if DH is so unhelpful and judgemental.

Reading these types of thread, I'm so glad we have just done Christmas day alone with our kids since they were born! We have anyone that wants to over for boxing day buffet but we don't go out visiting, it's time for the kids to play with new stuff etc, not traipse all around the country

My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

Your husband wants to go to his parent's house because he gets to sit on his arse drinking and eating and having a chilled one whilst his parents do all the running around.

Of course YANBU for wanting to do Xmas day at home with your children. That's normal. If I were you I'd tell him that you and the kids are spending Xmas day at home and it's entirely up to him where he chooses to spend it. See what he does.

I worked hard on xmas day to make sure OH and kids had a great time. Boxing day was my time, fridge full of food, time to build the lego castle, ride the new bike walk. The grandparents have had their day with children it is your turn now.

Honestly in your situation particularly with the days off work etc. I would say "right since we went to your parents last Christmas even just after section I'm making the decisions for this Christmas and you can just go along with it. I'm not starting an argument, I'm telling you that I am deciding the Christmas plans this year and next year you can decide the Christmas plans and I will go along with it." End of discussion.

Your husband is being childish and throwing a temper tantrum.

Every adult knows that everyone compromises.

Buy m and s ready food for Christmas and curl up with pyjamas in your own home.
No travelling and everyone can drink.

We've done that for 35 years and my kids love it.

A problem that can’t be discussed can’t be solved. Ask him to find some time to sit down and discuss. If he can’t do that with you without arguing/being able to see each other’s Point I would recommend asking someone to act as mediator.

Tbh the situation worries me - is it symptomatic of communication issues in your relationship? If yes maybe seek a counsellor.

Christmas at yours, invite your family over. Seems like the fairest solution, it is ‘your’ turn this year after all. Tell him he can go to his Mum’s alone if it bothers him so much.

As I read it the children are very young. I would have preferred to have help / family (either side) around me then. I dont think either of you is wrong (dh is tackless). Your offer seems to meet in the middle but if he is not happy with that I would fight for what makes you most happy and sod him. He seems determined to be miserable either way.