Husband unwilling to compromise over Christmas plans

[Joules33]

Sorry this is another Christmas family thread

Myself and my husband used to alternate spending Christmas with our families but over the last few years a few things have changed for us. My parents downsized and moved away further so they don't have space to accommodate us and our family grew from 3 to 5 in the last year.

Last year we spent Christmas with his family even though I was only 2 weeks post section, technically this year we should be going to mine. I want to do Christmas in our home this year. My husband is opposed to this for these reasons:

"It will be boring just the 5 of us" - my answer was well why don't we spend Christmas morning at ours and I'l cook lunch then we drive over to your mums and stay over. My husband doesn't see the point of this as I'm only going to spend all day cooking and preparing and then getting annoyed at him for doing nothing these were his exact words.

My husband has siblings too and every year they all go to mils too with their partners and their children so it's not like she would be on her own but I'm made feel odd for wanting to do my own thing once in a while.

I suggested just having my family over since we haven't had Christmas with them in a few years but I was met with so we can sit and talk about the weather and they can treat me like a stranger in our own home. This is an issue he has with my family and I do see it in particular how my dad treats my husband but that's a whole other thread.

I'm just at a loss what to do. This year I have the whole of Christmas off including Christmas eve and Boxing Day but next year I will be working those days and won't be able to take the three days off together again for another 3 years which is company policy.

When I try bring it up I'm causing an argument. Sorry it's long

We don't know the back story Ibiza
It could be that the OP's father just doesn't like the way the DH treats his daughter, or you could be right and the FIL isn't very nice.

Same situation many years ago. Just put my foot down and the kids wanted to stay at home too so the the answer to the DP of the day was "go on your own and have a lovely time dear". Job done, no discussion needed.

Sorry, pressed post too early.

Re the work. I think I would get a bit shirty with a partner who turned down an Xmas were it’s all done for them but then complained about the work.

Also, you say your family grew from 3 to 5 people in the last year. Does that mean you had twins? If so as a fellow twin Mum: just go to his parents and let them do the work. Honestly, I think in my twins first year I would have bitten off my arm for a dinner like that.

We don't know the back story Ibiza
It could be that the OP's father just doesn't like the way the DH treats his daughter, or you could be right and the FIL isn't very nice.

The OP didn’t give that impression

Dh says similar.

He's used to big Christmases with his family. He thinks it's boring to be just the 5 of us.
The other 4 of us think just us is nice and relaxed and doesn't have his brother

This is one of those Mumsnet things. If a woman came on here and said her FIL treated her badly, there’s no way she’d be told to host him at Xmas.

This... I think it’s hard to say if dh is being unreasonable without knowing how your dad treats him

For "It'll be boring" read "I will be expected to parent instead of sitting drinking while the womenfolk do all the catering and childcare".

It's your turn to choose.

Taking it in turns to decide each year is fair

Once every 2 years wouln't kill him to share in preparing the Christmas meal

Whereyouleftit has nailed it. He's a lazy fucker.

Do you think this is actually about Christmas as his parents or about looking after his own children solely?

If he is expecting you to be tied to the kitchen for hours on end then that leaves him with the children, as you said you went from 3 to 5 it would suggest twins and just 1 year old come Christmas time plus another child.

Hence why he is suggesting his parents because there will be shared help there. It might be a relief to be cared for and have other people share the burden of cooking.

We all go to my sisters for Christmas for half the day because due to the nature of her job she only gets Christmas day off, the other half is spent at her in-laws and my in-laws respectively. We have our own little Christmas tradition on Christmas eve, then pyjama day on boxing day when we pull up the draw bridge before more family visits on 27th and onwards.

You need to address the way your Dad treats your Dh. Your Dh comes first over your Dad.

FIL is a red herring. They went to his family last Christmas. Now it’s OP’s turn. If she wants Christmas at home with her (new) kids that’s perfectly reasonable. Particularly given her work circumstances.

So the answer is a job lot of Christmas food from Cook so OP is not stuck in the kitchen, DH pulling his weight, so you don’t get fed up wi5 him for doing ‘nothing’.

He can put up with FIL for a day or two.

We don’t know how FIL treats him. ‘Treating him like a stranger’ could simply mean they’re a bit formal and distant.

Whatever FIL does, it’s just a ploy really to be able to slack at his mum’s rather than pulling his weight at home.

Why have 3 kids if you can’t even be arsed to look after them at Christmas?

things change. 'traditions' of alternating parents can develop into wanting your own time to build your own family tradition at home for your kids - and perhaps shorter visits to granny/grandpa. Nothing wrong with that

How much of DH disliking FIL is because FIL doesn't like to see his DD having to do all the work
and tries to chivvy him into not being such a lazy arse

It's very odd that he doesn't want to spend Christmas at home with his children and you.

I'd pre empt any discussion and tell your ILS that you're having Christmas at home. Just cut him out of the conversation and decision making. Invite your parents if you'd like to. Otherwise get everything prepped on Christmas Eve and have a lovely time with your kids and parents. If he chooses to join you then make it clear that he's expected to do his fair share of the grunt work. If not then off he pops to his mum's.

Is your dad picking up on how your dh treats you? Because if my dh treated me the way yours does my dad would definitely not be happy.

He sounds like a right catch. Thinks spending time with his family is 'boring', is apparently tied to his mother's apron strings, doesn't lift a finger around the house to help when he has the day off, and is unwilling to discuss and compromise like an adult on the one Christmas when you can be at home.

Since having children we always spent it at home, this is where our children wanted to be with their presents, the tree and relaxing in their own house.

Can I introduce a slight twist on a fairly standard mumsnetism? You don't have a Xmas problem, you have a DH problem.
Yanbu.
Plan it your way and let him feck off to his parents if he wants.

I think it's sad that he doesn't feel comfortable just enjoying it with his immediate family ie you and his dc.

You could go out for dinner or buy most food in.. You don't have to cook and moan at him, do something else

It's not sad september If you are used to lots of people around, spending it with only 5 of you is going to be quiet and not as much fun, no matter how much you love those people.

The long and the short of it is that you need to take turns and it's your turn- however it's understandable why he's not particularly happy about it.

So you and your lovely children are not interesting enough on one of the most exciting times for children and you aren't allowed to complain when he doesn't pull his weight with household jobs.

Sort this out. You deserve better unless you eat puppies and kittens.

So he doesn't like spending time with you, your children, or your family. I see the common denominator there...