To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

It's so irritating when people who have no idea about the black experience try to tell you that racism isn't a thing! You have no idea. It may not always be a race thing, but it usually is.

OP I think it depends on who it is. When my lovely, elderly neighbour touched my daughter's hair and expressed surprise at the texture, I knew she didn't mean any harm and let it slide. But strangers? No way. My kid is not a curiosity.

The action doesn't have to be accompanied by racial remarks in order for people to agree the action can be racist. As a previous PP said, some people only accept a thing is racist if the N word is used, or some other obvious slur. The fact is, racism is experienced on so many levels that are 'invisible' to those who have never experienced it. It is in these cases that the bold denial from a position of ignorance and privilege is infuriating.

On another point, that website with the 'Don't touch my hair t-shirts'...especially this one: www.redbubble.com/people/madisynmahagoni/works/15924557-2bunz-melanin-poppin-aba?carousel_pos=2&p=womens-relaxed-fit&ref=similar_designs&ref_id=29126158&rbs=faf1c664-59ec-43ff-afc9-7e6eda555fac

On a white model?

Touching someone’s hair is a seriously intimate act. It’s not ever acceptable to do that to a stranger or without permission.

I had this exact issue today, in sainsburys queuing to pay with my 4 year old daughter, she has long blonde down to the bottem of her bottem, its like silk, very pretty (god knows where she gets it from)
Lady behind felt the need to try and gather it in her hands all the while chatting to her friend how she would love long hair like that, i told her to keep her hands to herself, she said she was only touching it, i said to her would she find it acceptable if i , a stranger to her started running my hands over her..
She just pulled a cats bum face and turnt away

Is it a race thing? I dunno, I’m very pale and had people shout at me in the street a lot in southern Spain. My hair is like springs if I brush it with conditioner on. I’ve had people really fascinated, wanting to pull it straight, wanting to run their hands through it, bury their face in it! If I ever do straighten it, I get loads of comments. I just ignore or do bitchy resting face now.

So, can I just run this past you, the other day in Sainsbury's there was a little girl in the queue in front of me with her mum she was probably about 2 and waiting so patiently - and she had Afro hair tied in to little Pom-Poms with beautiful colourful bobbles. I commented to her mum how much I loved her hair, it looked really cute. Was that racist of me to comment on her hair? Or is it just racist to touch? Absolutely not trying to be goady, just feeling slightly anxious that I may have accidentally been racist.

spaniorita
I don't think complimenting the way you described it would be taken as racist. Some people gush and go on and on, like it's the most extraordinary thing they have ever seen . I'm sure you didn't do that. What did the mother say?

@spaniorita it depends on what you said and how you said it. If you specifically pointed out her type of black hair, then yes there would be a tinge bordering on outright racist. There are previous posters who have given cringeworthy examples.

If you’re commenting on her cute puffs, carry on. :)

I simply said "I love her hair, it's so cute" but now I'm thinking it over would I have commented on a white child's hair? I do generally like to give compliments - if I see something I like, I do tend to say it, so that part of me thinks yes i perhaps would have complimented a white child if their hair was done a particularly eye catching or pretty way. I think yes I probably would.

What sort of racist comments have you had OP regarding comments towards your DDs hair?

And the mum just smiled and said thanks and carried on with her day and I carried on with my day.

Christ - can we not make this a race thing?? Your daughter has nice hair, she’s little, people love curly hair. They like touching it. You or daughter don’t like it - fair enough? Tell them to stop - every single time. It’s not a race thing. It’s a nice bouncy curly hair thing. Straight hair (my hair) boring. Bouncy curly hair, nice and lovely.

Christ - can we not make this a race thing??

FFS. Have you read all the comments? It is absolutely a race thing and the "touchers" have made it clear with their comments!

No cultural issues here, but a head full of lovely curls. I tell people not to touch her hair all the time.

That sounds infuriating. My (white) dd 7 has blonde ringlets and gets lots of compliments. Her school friends apparently touch it and she doesn't like that and it makes her feel different. However I've never known a stranger try to touch it - she would hate it! You will have to politely but firmly tell people not to, and make sure your dd grows up confident at doing the same.

OP there is an Instagram account called the vitamin d project, she has a story on her account 'afros hands off' which talks about what you are experiencing.

’Christ - can we not make this a race thing??’

‘Christ - don’t disturb my world view with the lived experiences of millions of people!!!’

There, fixed that for you.

YANBU. No one should be touching anyone's hair without their consent and especially not because the hair they are touching is a texture that they're not accustomed to.

For all those dismissing what others with actual lived experience are telling them with a glib "it's not a race thing" and "can we not make this about race", may I share an anecdote. I went to a comedy act by a British guy with an afro who talked about being on holidays in Spain and how every second woman was saying to him "Can I touch your hair, can I touch your hair!!" And the mixed race woman I went with was howling with laugher and practically jumping out of her seat saying "THAT IS WHAT IT'S LIKE".

So it is a race thing. Stop saying it isn't when you've been told multiple times it is on this thread. Honestly, sometimes as white people we need to do just a TINY bit of work to understand and learn.

Sorry OP. Good luck.

I'm mixed and people still touch my hair without asking when it's in its natural state. I HATE it too. YANBU. It's been this way since I was at primary school and people used to count my braids. My mum used to have to stop people at the school gates and find simpler ways of styling my hair to not attract attention.

Your poor dd. Those making excuses for this behaviour need to understand that its not okay. Stop touching people's hair without their consent ffs! Its not about how the touchers feel, it's how the people being touched feel about it. I don't care if people are only being affectionate or whatever excuses are being bandied about. More often than not it makes those on the receiving end feel horrible. Stop.

My daughter is white and has a head of red ringlets and gets lots of comments but I can't say anyone has ever touched them. Personally after experiencing my other Dd being bullied (not for her hair) I'm just glad of the positive ocments which make her smile and she love sher hair.
If people touched it I'd encourage her to ask them not to as an exercise in assertiveness.

YANBU - I think people are subtly racist like this including comments about the lovely skin of black children.

Just say your daughter doesn’t like her head being touched. That should be enough and it’s fine for you to say it.

@UmmH Not just a white model but a milk bottle white model!

My son’s friend is mixed race, his hair isn’t afro but tight curls. I’m always complimenting him on his hair when he has a new cut and have touched it before, just because it’s so lovely!