To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

One of my dds has beautiful curly hair and everyone always commented on it, and still do. However I don't remember strangers ever actually touching her hair even though they'd comment on it.
I don't think they want to touch your dds hair because it's merely curly.

I have red very curly hair and people do this to me. I just say I'm not a cat I don't need to be stroked or just can you not touch my hair. You need to do this for your daughter she's too little too have to stand up to adults by herself.

People who say it isn't a race thing need to educate themselves. This is a common problem with black and mixed race people - people see them as public property and find it perfectly ok to overstep a mark and touch their hair. If that's not some white privilege bullshit I don't k ow what is

I'm mixed race and have had to put up with this throughout childhood and most adulthood until I got fed up with people touching my hair. Some ask and some don't, they'd just touch it. And they almost always say "Oooh, it's all soft!" in astonishment.

It's not racist, but it definitely highlights my "otherness".

On a couple of occasions I have snapped at people "This isn't a petting zoo!"

One woman touched my hair without asking and I put my hand out to touch hers back. She instinctively swerved my hand and couldn't answer when I asked her why it was ok for her to touch my hair but I couldn't touch hers?

I know it doesn't come from an malicious place, more of a curious / ignorant place, but why should I have to accommodate such foolery?

YANBU how fucking rude and inappropriate, This would really piss me off.

YANBU. Most of all, it gives your daughter the impression that it is okay for her to feel uncomfortable in her personal space for other people to get pleasure. Practice a quick explanation that she really doesn't like her hair being touched. Once you've done it a few times it will be second nature.

@30SweatyUnderboob
I like the way you respond. I have very long wavy red hair and people always touch it. I'm too embarrassed to say anything even though I hate people touching my hair. Think I'll try your reaction next time and reach out to touch theirs.

YANBU and I knew this was about Afro-type hair even before I read the explanation. It's a really common experience and it doesn't happen with even near such a degree of frequency to white people with European type curls. It's fine to tell people to stop, and if you're feeling up to it it's also fine to reference race. It might make people think. Just a simple "Please don't touch her hair" should be enough though - a person would have to have a fair brass neck to argue or ask you why

www.theguardian.com/books/2019/apr/23/dont-touch-my-hair-emma-dabiri-review
Sorry if this book has already been recommended but if you don't see the connection here with racial identity it may change your mind.

I think it's outrageous that people feel entitled to touch your daughter in this way . By all means compliment the hair but look don't touch .

YANBU.

Please don't hesitate to tell people not to touch her hair. And if anyone responds like that old lady who said it was stupid, then make sure you run your hands through their hair. It is incredibly rude to touch anyone in such a familiar way without permission. Your daughter needs to know that other people don't have a right to touch her, and she doesn't have to put up with it out of politeness.

Whether it’s the hair or not, nobody should be touching your little girl. She should never have to tolerate that!!! You should be teaching her to also say “Don’t touch me!” My daughter looked like a dolly - big blue eyes, blonde ringlets and people kept trying to touch her too. I was like a bear! “Hands off!!!” She hated being touched by strangers. She’s fifteen and has hair like a mermaid now. She won’t wear it out or down because it attracts the same attention. I sort of felt like I was training her to be in charge of her own body by teaching her to say “No touching!!!”

Yanbu. Whether it's racist or not if your dd doesn't l7ke it just say so.

It is racist though and it's important for people to recognise this.

Hi op, me and my sister's have really thick really curly hair! And people do like to touch it! We don't like it either. I know some people have said it's cute to ruffle kids hair but someone did this to me once and got their fingers stuck in my curls and hurt me trying to pull it out! and all the adults just laughed, I laugh about it now but remember being really upset about it at the time! Maybe coach your daughter to politely say 'would you mind not touching my hair, I don't like it' that was if she ever isn't with you she will be able to deal with the situation herself! I was raised in the adults should be respected and children should be seen and not heard decade but it was something I wish I could have done.

As an aside, whenever I see someone with Afro type hair worn naturally I’m always desperate to ask them about the upkeep of it as my kids hair is very curly and hers used to take hours. I don’t though in case it’s a bit of a off colour question race wise. Natural hair is gorgeous though.

2girls why don't you google it? there's tonnes of sites with a wealth of information.

I just say ‘I know it’s gorgeous isn’t it? She hates being touched though so could you please not’.
My daughters both have super thick curly hair, one is ginger, one is blonde it happened ALL the time when they were small, less so now they are older but for sure it happens.

Of course it's a race thing. It's also curiosity.

My dad does some fundraising for a charity working in Kenya,one of the people working on the project has long blond hair and the local school girls are fascinated.

OP

Not sure what to say, maybe you could both bark and say, sorry I thought you had mistaken me for a dog.

I just wanted to thank the white women of Mumsnet for education us minorities on what is and what is not racism. Without white women explaining things to us we would have no idea how to identify it.

It’s really not a race thing ffs.

My Daughter is white and has very curly and soft hair and we get the same. My mates daughter is ginger and curly and gets the same.

I would be inclined to get her a T short printed . What you want to write on it is obviously up to you 😂

I am white and have very curly hair. It often is touched when I’m out, usually without asking first. People just seem to have a fascination with ringlets and love to pass them through their fingers (and break them up). I understand why this might be considered a racial issue, but as someone who has lived with it for so long? It occurs all ethnicities, perhaps affecting some more than others.

It's innocent curiosity.
It's intrusive.
It's really irritating.
It's definitely a racial issue.
YANBU.
Why do people, especially old ladies, think they can just touch other people's hair without permission???

Claws because you're one of the (MANY) curly haired white people to comment on here about this...you might have noticed a common theme in the responses.

It is a RACE issue. Not for you. Because you're white.

Not comparable at all.

When people say it’s a race issue what do you actually mean?

How is it different to touching a white child’s curly hair?