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Original poster

To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

314 replies

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 13:04

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

OP posts:
81Byerley · 24/09/2019 16:02

People will often make comments, or do things, without realising that they are being racist, and having been a foster carer to children of different races, I've definitely experienced a few. One said to my teenaged daughter when she was waiting for me in a shopping centre, and looking after my 4 month old Nigerian baby. "It's a shame isn't it?" "Sorry? what's a shame?" "Well she's so beautiful, it's a shame she's black". When my ex was travelling back from Australia, and they were on a stopover, they went to an indoor Asian market, right out of the tourist areas. They suddenly realised that their daughters had disappeared. After a minute's panic, they heard a commotion, lots of loud talking, and found their 5 and 3 year old daughters (both had white blonde very curly hair) Somebody had lifted them onto a table and they were surrounded by people fascinated by their pale skin, blue eyes, and blonde curls. People were reaching out to touch them, grabbing their hands, stroking their hair and their faces. People seem to be fascinated by differences. If you don't like confrontation, then you can make it obvious that you don't want her touched, by simply moving your little girl away from them. If they make any comment such as "She has such lovely hair", You can say "Thank you, it is lovely but she doesn't really like people touching it".

doskant · 24/09/2019 16:07

I’m not a touchy feely person at all, but occasionally have a strong urge to bury my hands in a stranger’s hair Blush No idea where it comes from, especially because my son and I have curly hair so have both copped it ourselves. I do manage to restrain myself though. Except with my son’s hair, right up until he starts to get annoyed.

I wonder what’s behind it. Surely curly hair isn’t that uncommon...?

JustOneSquareofDarkChocolate · 24/09/2019 16:10

I also think it’s up the parents of the children doing the touching to teach their kids it’s not appropriate - I’ve had to tell both my boys firmly not to touch their mixed race friends’ hair (especially in the swimming pool - they found it fascinating how it “didn’t get wet”.).

lily2403 · 24/09/2019 16:10

I wouldn't call it racist, but it is rude especially when the child doesn't want to be touched. My ds has lovely curly hair and people used to try to touch it, they dont anymore as he just says no and runs away from them...no one goes near the hair now hahahaha

LucyAutumn · 24/09/2019 16:16

Me and my son both have curly hair and people used to do this to me and they do it to him. It's very annoying. We're both white so I think it's a curls thing more than anything.

2girlsandagap · 24/09/2019 16:17

My eldest dd is white but has insanely curly hair and when she was little it was like a magnet for people’s hands. She hated it too.
I tried to be tactful with people but unfortunately this is one of the things you will need to be blunt about. A simple “she doesn’t like to be touched” usually works- or if you’re brave fondling the offenders hair right back works a treat.

BlackberryNettles · 24/09/2019 16:23

This used to happen to my uncle, he has blonde hair and went to school in Hong Kong, so his hair was different to the vast majority and strangers would gush over it, stroke it, etc etc. His parents didn't take offence but I also feel it is a different context and dynamic there.. . There are plenty of children I have seen who have curly hair that I've wanted to feel, and also people who have really straight silky hair I've seen and thought wow I wonder how soft it is you know? but I would never think to touch any random person's hair, or any part of them actually.

Monkeyplanet · 24/09/2019 16:34

0lease say something. I'm black and this used to happen to me all the time until I got fed up and said something.

You are not being rude telling someone to stop being rude.

It rules me up to no end. It has started happening to my sons as well and I tell people to keep their hands to themselves. They have no right to touch anyone without their permission

It boggles my mind how anyone can think it is okay to treat people like animals and just touch their hair like they are stroking a dog. At least people ask to stroke your dog, I would think a human being warrants more respect. If that sounds harsh, I'm not sorry, it's not an overreaction. Back off

firesong · 24/09/2019 16:38

I hadn't thought about it like that. I touch children's hair if it looks appealing and cute. But would hate to think they hated it. They're kids that are known to me rather than strangers. But I will now ask or refrain.

Breathlessness · 24/09/2019 16:54

All the comments about blondes having their hair touched when travelling in the Middle East or in Africa kind of make the point that treating people’s hair as curiosity is othering. When you leave your house in the city you were born in, in the country your grandparents were born in, being treated as exotic and alien isn’t a compliment.

Missingsandraohingreys · 24/09/2019 17:04

As solange (Beyoncé’s sister) sang ‘don’t touch my hair’ it’s a pretty universal problem
Sadly

Yanbu

Coyoacan · 24/09/2019 17:13

I sympathise with your dd. I had loose long blonde hair in primary school and other girls used to start playing with it, it's no fun.

30to50FeralHogs · 24/09/2019 17:46

Haha, "it's not a race thing", ok then hmm Yes it is.

My niece has beautiful, absolutely GORGEOUS blonde, shiny, tight ringlets down her back. Nobody touches it. Not a soul. They'll comment on it, say how beautiful and shiny and lovely it is. Tell her how lucky she is. They never touch it.

So all the people who’s white DCs have also experience unwanted touching are making it up? Ok then Hmm

Breathlessness · 24/09/2019 17:49

As others have said, just because it has happened to white people doesn’t mean that there isn’t also ‘a race thing.’

Shortfeet · 24/09/2019 17:50

My son is white and had long ginger hair and people always touched it !
I loved it when people did that and he didn't mind until he was about 7 Grin

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 17:57

Hi all, thanks so much for the advise on how to deal with people, me and DD just had a long chat and I have promised her that I will stop people doing it. She is of course very happy.

I would like to say that no matter how many of you tell me this is not a race thing I can categorically tell you that YES IT IS. Not 100% of the time - sometimes other children will touch her hair out of innocent curiosity, or it will be because her hair is just so curly...I have never denied that.

However the rest of the time, when followed by a casually racist comment or an almost negative reaction it very much is about race.

Things happen to people of all races every day. Positive and negative, but just because it happens to all races doesn't mean that for some people it is not racist. I would be interested in how many mums who are POC or have children who are POC will tell me this 'is a curly thing not a race thing'.

Anyway, with my husband and my kids I am used to it and I take it with a pinch of salt. There are many people who would rather accuse me of playing the race card than accept there are fundamental issues with how POC are seen and treated in this country. But as long as I take this advice and give my DD some empowerment then that is all I need to worry about.

OP posts:
pinksparkleunicorns · 24/09/2019 17:58

I am a teacher and the other day I very nearly said to a black girl that I love her hair. She had an Afro. It's usually tied tightly up in plaits or it's hidden beneath a head scarf. But she had it proudly out and it was beautiful and I just thought it looked awesome. But then I'm so over paranoid this intended compliment could be considered racist. In fairness I rarely say to white girls that I teach that I love their hair. So maybe that does make me racist... somehow?

pinksparkleunicorns · 24/09/2019 18:02

@Usernamewillautodestrustin hope it ok to tag you, I'm just interested to know, in your opinion, if I was right to withhold my 'compliment' or if I was being ridiculous

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 18:02

@pinksparkleunicorns I would in no way think it was racist if you told my daughter you loved her hair. I would however have a problem if you grabbed it and ran your hair through it and then told me how dry it is or comment on how much product was in the hair, or say something about how it must be a pain to manage.

Compliments are great, but if you saw a person with beautiful eyes you would touch them would you ha ha...probably a bad example lol.

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 24/09/2019 18:03

I touch hair as affection thing, no matter of race. But I wouldn’t touch a strangers hair! Ew

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 18:03

Sorry that was meant to say run your fingers through it doh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 18:05

@TheDarkPassenger same here...both my DD get cuddles and I rub there heads sometimes whilst they are asleep...but they are my babies and I made them... :)

OP posts:
pinksparkleunicorns · 24/09/2019 18:06

@Usernamewillautodestrustin sorry posted at the same moment. Thanks, I will definitely say the compliment next time. I try not to comment on students appearances at all as I think it's unprofessional. But her hair really was so beautiful I had to actually stop myself from saying anything.

meccacos2 · 24/09/2019 18:09

Strangers touching your child is not on.

Dirty greasy hands in her hair is just gross. I understand that you would already have to be quite careful with how you style her hair and would want to keep it clean for as long as possible.

I wouldn’t be polite to strangers. They are being impolite by touching your child’s hair.

littlestrawby · 24/09/2019 18:27

The ignorance of some people on this thread 🤬🤬🤬🤬