To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

Well, the fact that the "touchers" mention race kind of gives it away in this instance.

Two examples, mentioned only after people pointed out it happened to them or their curly kids?

That doesn’t necessarily make it a race thing.

Point is, people touch some kids hair and they shouldn’t. Racial comments are unnecessary and unkind and shouldn’t happen, but that still doesn’t take away from the fact that this isn’t exclusively happening to a specific race. Which makes it not necessarily a race thing. It isn’t more wrong to do it to children with a certain hair type. It is just wrong to do it at all.

I hated strangers touching my hair as a child and can remember my Mum telling me that it was ok to shrug them off/walk away/say "stop it". Hopefully they will soon get the message. Seriously though, why do people think it's ok to stroke a random child

*anon" you're baiting sweetie. Stop trying to waste people's time and energy explaining things you need to figure out for yourself. It's really not that confusing, no need for those emojis either.

I had this as a child, I'm white so don't have Afro hair but had tight curls that sat out from my head. People used to touch it and I hated it. Luckily I was a vocal child and often told people "don't touch my hair, I don't like it". My mum encouraged us to speak up about things like this. Is this something you could encourage your daughter to do? It's good for her to know she can speak up if she's uncomfortable in any situation anyway. (I've not RTFT so sorry if this has already been spoken about)

Yep, black woman with a massive afro here, with a bi racial daughter that has a huge mass of curly hair. I fight this battle on both fronts everyday. Got the side eye and resting bitch face down to a tee. My daughter just tells people, including her nursery friends: "no, I don't like it so don't touch my hair". Exactly as I taught her. With an added dose of eye roll when adults try to coo it out with the isn't she cute nonsense.

You have my sympathies but also my advice is to explain to your child why it is unacceptable behaviour and how to assertively (with the arm stretch quite literally to reclaim arms length distance) say no, do not touch my hair. It is inappropriate, I do not like it and I am not an object for your amusement!

anon1234789 - are you deliberately being dim or it this just your default state?

Mrs
It seems quite goady and inflammatory post to me. Nobody can be that clueless.

Either you haven’t read the thread, or you’re openly denying the experiences of many posters who’ve responded. Whichever one it is, you’ve shown yourself up there dowehaveastalker. How embarrassing for you.

Bless, anon1234789. I can see this is very difficult for you to understand. Even though there are ten full pages of posters with lived experience of this for you to read, and many many more sources of information via a simple google search. At some point I guess you have to just admit it’s too complex for your simple mind to grasp and move onto something more manageable :)

I childmind white children (with and without curly hair) and black/mixed race children.

I can promise all those blithely declaring "it's not a race thing" that the black/mixed children have their hair touched, complimented and commented on about 10x as much as the white children, even the cutie pie with blonde ringlets.

I understand why white people would doubt this. I was surprised by how frequent it is too. But denying a black person's experience on the basis that you, a white person, haven't experienced it is ridiculous.

Odd comparison but I've had this as a disabled person who is white. I'd just done my hair with rollers the night before and this woman I know ruffled it and then went back in two more times, like I was a dog. I was so pissed off but at the same time didn't know how to react politely. The other person there stared at her like "What ARE you doing?" I suspect she wouldn't do this to a non disabled acquaintance

Disabled people get their personal space invade a lot, but to say this isn't a race thing and shouldn't be made one is a proper joke, there's a huge evidence base for it. The fact that those T-shirt's need to exist for one.

My DD (9) has long silky hair and has got used to being petted like a dog by strangers. Funniest one was a lovely waitress in Spain who stood stroking her hair while she dealt with our table of 10 and every time she came back. It doesn't really bother DD luckily but I can see how it would be very unnerving.

I think anyone doing it doesn't mean any harm and is probably showing their love for your daughter's beautiful hair but I can see how it would be difficult to tell people not to.
I mean, it's pretty obvious they shouldn't and yet they would likely get a little upset if told to leave it alone. I'm afraid you'll just have to do it though. It's the only way.

I’m 39, mixed-race, last had a curl pulled earlier today by a colleague who ooohed over how long my hair is when it’s stretched out.

I have a son, white, with blond corkscrew curls who also gets his head patted or ‘boinged’ to see how bouncy they are regularly. He hates it, as do I, but hates having his hair cut even more.

YANBU

It is a race thing

And it’s really “othering”.

Haven’t read the full thread, but I wear this badge on my jacket/bag since I’ve been wearing my natural curls!

I saw an older white woman do this to a kid with the same lovely hair recently. I was horrified, and only mentally excused her because she was really quite old. I can't believe her friends' parents think that's ok, and if I were you, I'd tell them off every time. I'd probably tell them off even if I was just one of the other parents. Your poor DD

Annon it's tied up in the fact that black people have not had autonomy historically.

They've been owned...abused...treated terribly. So now things are finally getting to a point where racist behaviour is not acceptable and can be properly dealt with (legally) it's reasonable for them to react badly when their body autonomy is challenged.

Touching the hair of someone who is black is 'othering' them....kind of like "Oooh you're so DIFFERENT!"

And it's just bloody rude aswell!

That doesn’t necessarily make it a race thing.

Keep telling yourself that and ignoring all the evidence to the contrary.

My dd has very blonde hair and we lived somewhere where that wasn't normal and was good luck.
It got touched a lot.
She didn't love it but it was hard to stop so you have my sympathy OP.

Bless, anon1234789. I can see this is very difficult for you to understand. Even though there are ten full pages of posters with lived experience of this for you to read

And ten pages also of people who are not black who experience the same thing?

Are you really suggesting it is OK for this to happen to white kids with curly hair, because it seems that way.

despite all evidence to the contrary
Like the evidence given here that white kids experience it too?

It's similar to people touching pregnant women's bumps - people are Tactile.

Also people do this a lot to drag queen, my friend is constantly getting (mainly women) asking to touch his wig!

It's similar to people touching pregnant women's bumps - people are Tactile
It's not the same though.

Someone doing the hair ruffling of ANY child could be considered to be tactile. That would be similar to bump touching, but then I think bump touching is weird. You can see I'm pregnant, you can see a bump, no you don't need to touch it at all. Stop invading my space.

Someone doing what I (probably inappropriately so sorry) inwardly think of as an "afro ping/boing" on afro hair has a racial element, especially when combined with comments about how impossible it must be to manage etc.

As soon as I saw the title I knew she was going to have curly hair. My DD has super curly hair too and it's constantly being touched. Tbh she's kind of used to it now and actually quite likes the attention. If she really hates it you need firmly ask them not to do it but will that make dd feel more or less comfortable/self conscious than the hair touching?