My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

[Milicentbystander72]

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

Apart from the fact that has nothing to do with consent or body autonomy why would people at the school need to call her anything?

You’d think so, right? But you’ve just misgendered this person and if you did that in their school, you could be arrested for committing hate crime.

You’d think so, right? But you’ve just misgendered this person and if you did that in their school, you could be arrested for committing hate crime.

Oh really? Has anyone been arrested for "misgendering" someone.

Woodchuck - some seem to think a genuine mistake will lead you to it.
Conveniently missing out that it's always if it's repeatedly or done on purpose to harass.
Which is fair enough
Not in this case though, and I bet that poster knows that really

Oh really? Has anyone been arrested for "misgendering" someone.

I take it you’ve never been on Twitter? Or the FWR board on this site?

@woodchuck there have been a number of people arrested for misgendering (correctly sexing).

You can look up Kate Scottow, Caroline Farrow and Louise Moody.

Then you look at all the female professors who have had complaints put in about them for 'making students feel unsafe' (whatever that means).

Then you have the woman who has lost her job (sorry I can't remember her name) and is now launching a legal defence.

This is why we are so wary about trans ideology.

Notice a theme amongst the people mentioned above? Oh yes they're all female.

I suppose men have had their collars felt too (Harry the Own and Glinner) but very few. Women seem to be the specific target of rage for some reason.

I haven't read the thread because I expect there will be some grey areas where none are needed. Love is love, affection is affection. Relationships are relationships. As long as they are kind to each other what does it matter? You've clearly raised an accepting daughter :)

@woodchuck99 there have been a number of people arrested for misgendering (correctly sexing).

I'm sure there was a bit more to it than accidently giving someone the wrong gender at school. No doubt it was done with the deliberate intention of harassing and being nasty.

No - calling a person with a penis a man.

I'm sure there was a bit more to it than accidently giving someone the wrong gender at school.
No.

The BBC have even told children if they are disrespectful they will be arrested.

I think I'd be confused about this too. She sees him as a boy, fancies him like a boy, sees herself as straight but...if she did want to have sex with him downstairs he's a girl. Assuming he's not had an op here due to the age? But then again maybe your daughter isn't feeling that way at her age? Maybe it's not an issue for her? It's very confusing to get your head around but at the end of the day it's her choice.

I also remember a male teacher getting sacked over misgendering a kid. The teacher was religious and it went against the grain for him so trend trumped biology.

Caroline Farrow, the woman who said gay couples shouldn't adopt and prople are 'allowed to feel uncomfortable' with two men kissing.

Yes that one mymonkey

It's her choice, but to give consent she must be in procession of the facts. As long as he is upfront about the fact he is Trans from the beginning and she understands what this means.

Notice a theme amongst the people mentioned above?

They all misgendered someone deliberatley / repeatedly?

I also remember a male teacher getting sacked over misgendering a kid. The teacher was religious and it went against the grain for him so trend trumped biology.

Biology doesn't tell us what words in the English language have to mean. By all means believe a word ought to denote X, Y or Z, and disagree with them being changed to be used in other ways, but let's not elevate a semantic dispute to the level of a factual dispute.

I'd just let things run their course to be honest.
Maybe your daughter is a lesbian, maybe not.
It's easy to love a person after all for who they are rather than their sex. They may be a kind and loving partner?
The physical sex part is up to them really - I believe most trans people don't have bottom surgery anyway.

Ah yes, that teacher. Who was ever so precious about his own imaginary friend, which was much more important than the feelings of teenagers he was in a position of authority over, of course, and who went bleating to one or other of those wingnut pressure groups that are always ready to defend bigots and insist that white men are the biggest oppressed minority group in the world...

Just what, exactly, do you 'gender-critical' people think would be the benefit in the OP sitting her DD down and telling her that she is a lesbian and her boyfriend is a girl? What the fuck is this supposed to achieve? These teenagers are people, not point-scoring devices for adult bigots.

As I said at the beginning of the post, my daughter was dating a trans boy. So I wanted to address some of the things suggested by posters.

• she isn’t a lesbian, other than this one person every crush she’s had and boy she’s dated has been born a boy. And her sister is gay so it’s not that she’s scared to come out or anything: she’s just not gay.
• her ex boyfriend looked like 15 year old boy. No surgery/binders or hormones involved, just naturally very flat chested, so the assumption that the OPs daughters boyfriend is on hormones etc is based on nothing.
• she isn’t brainwashed into anything, she’s just accepting of the fact that people are diverse and if someone identifies as female/male that’s up to them.
• her ex isn’t ‘in a bad place’ mentally. In fact he’s a really well adjusted kid who is doing well in school. Again, total sweeping assumption.
• among her friendship group it’s not as cool or uncool to be trans, it just is. No one cares. They just live their own lives.
• she didn’t date him because he was ‘safe’ or whatever. They just got on. They still do as friends.

I think as long both parties are treated with respect then it’s fine, the same as any other relationship

You can dress it up however you like, but the truth is that you daughter is dating a girl. It isn't bigotry to point out sex.

Just what, exactly, do you 'gender-critical' people think would be the benefit in the OP sitting her DD down and telling her that she is a lesbian and her boyfriend is a girl?
Truth, reality, helping her understand sexism, looking out for her friend, opening up a conversation about sex and attraction?
Lots of benefits.

@OwlBeThere lots of teenagers date one person of the same sex and then go on to mainly or only date people of the opposite sex. Are you concerned people will think your DD did that?
And there is no way your DD's friend looked like a mature teenage boy. Before puberty boys and girls look the same. So the friend didn't "look like a boy", they "looked like a prepubescent child with short hair".

Just what, exactly, do you 'gender-critical' people think would be thebenefitin the OP sitting her DD down and telling her that she is a lesbian and her boyfriend is a girl? What the fuck is this supposed to achieve? These teenagers arepeople, not point-scoring devices for adult bigots
Because truth matters. Biology matters. It's not about this kid. And I wouldn't make it about this kid. They have been honest about who and what they are, they by all accounts are perfectly nice and I wouldn't at all be worried about this person specifically.

But would I make sure my dd knew the truth. Yes? Because one nice decent person cannot become the baseline for her forgoing her own safety and feelings and boundaries. We cut afford to let that happen.

@drspouse as I said, her sister is gay, I couldn’t care less if she is, or if people think she is or whatever. It makes not the least bit of difference to me.
I never said he looks like a ‘mature’ teenage boy, but no one would question that he was male in the street. Not that she or I particularly cared if he did anyway, I only mentioned it as a pp said any trans boy who passed must be using hormones or binders. That’s not the case. He doesn’t have short hair either.
@Bezalelle
I’m unsure if your post was meant for me, but of course I’m aware she was dating a biological female. So is she.