My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

[Milicentbystander72]

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

In the case of the OP, her daughter is in a safe, happy, consensual teen relationship and that's what matters in that situation

This is why I said in my first response that actually my concern would be for both of them. Due to the amount if online grooming that takes place I would worry that they would both possibly on danger of being coerced in an " we accept you so you must accept us" sort of way.

Hopefully if they are spending alot of time.together that's time they arent online. So that's good!

I agree Sarah. It's best for both teens to enjoy each others company, having been up front with each other and the adults in their life can support as required and be on hand for questions when they happen.

It's a much healthier approach than pushing teens into the hands of strangers online.

I would find it weird, yes, and I don't know anyone in rl that wouldn't.

I'm gender critical and don't believe that people can change sex, however I think part of the problem is the constant need to want to put a label on everyone, as demonstrated by this thread ('she must be a lesbian or bi'), especially, as pp have said, at that age. Just let people be in a relationship with whoever they want, why does it need to be labelled in any way?

I'd agree with that approach (which is common sense) far more readily if it weren't for the fact that people who don't believe you can change sex are being pressured to apply labels that have, for centuries, meant one distinct and accurately-defined thing to the exact opposite thing and if you don't agree and refuse to use them as directed/demanded, you are hateful, bigoted and denying someone's literal existence. It feels like labels are REALLY IMPORTANT when we're being instructed that a man is now a woman (or vice versa) but when it comes to defining a sexuality or spectrum of attraction they're considered limiting, unimportant or passé.

AH yes good point-- should have said within this scenario.

Personally I am of the 'Free to be You and Me' school of thought and think we should be working to broaden gender rather than force everyone to seek classification with narrow, cliched parameters until gender just doesn't matter.

However biological sex is still protected characteristic and needs to remain soon terms of safe spaces .

most 15 year olds are experimenting with sex
I don’t think this is true -out of dds friends, (mostly 15), only one , who is 16, is not a virgin. Almost all of them have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, they socialise as a group.

So- in

I wonder if dating this person is a similar to girls at 14/15 who have huge crushes on pretty, feminine looking boys in bands. A safe way to have feelings for someone without the sexual pressure.

I expect it’s easy enough to think of this girl as a boy if she passes. At 15 it’s probably not However I’d they’re still together in a couple of years and it becomes sexual, one of two things will happen:

Your daughter will have to accept that she isn’t 100% straight because she’s having a sexual relationship with a girl

Or

she’ll realise that since she’s straight, she’s no longer interested in this girl as a partner.

But, again, any teenagers who are dating (or just socialising with) other teens might come into contact with people who are a potential danger to them eg older people who want to draw them into gang culture or drugs. You have to do your best to teach teens how to keep themselves safe and resist peer pressure when it isn't good for them, but the fact that a friend or partner is trans isn't inherently dangerous.

*At 15 it’s probably not sexual

Well surely experimenting with sex is exactly what virgins do. If you’ve had sex you’re beyond the experimenting bit and have moved on to having it.

Pleasant Cassian, helping your case there

trans ideology is inherently dangerous, given that it involves a denial of objective reality, the reinforcement of regressive sexist stereotypes, coerced speech and the removal of safeguarding and boundaries.

what case is that. Wotcha? You;re going to have to be a tad more articulate.

SGB

The difference is the message about oerr pressure and drugs etc is the same throughout school and home.

Its going to be much harder to keep children safe from an ideology peddled in primary schools welcomed by the teachers from the very people parents may well be seeking to protect their children from.

That's the difference.

It has trusted adult backing

I would be sitting her down and explaining that if she was dating a female with a vagina she is not 100% straight at all.

I would do the same.
Well... I dunno it's a hard one. I would probably discuss it with her.

I'm sure it's like a really good friendship more than a sexual relationship so it doesn't matter about "him" having a vagina but, she's just attracted to what "he" looks like.
I would think that my child was Bi or atleast curious if this was my daughter.

Its a hard one.

Can articulate myself fine, thanks.
Just no point doing so with ya. Some can have a reasoned discussion with, you're not one to have one with so nah.
You crack on though

Having a trans friend or partner isn’t inherently dangerous, but it raises a series of questions around gender, sexuality, sexual experiences and boundaries that not every teenager or parent has really thought through or worked out how to discuss.

I have a straight son and a bi daughter. There are a whole load of conversations about gay men that I’ve not really thought through in any great detail because I’ve never needed to have them.

As the OP’s daughter is now dating a trans boy, there’s stuff to think through.

I think that is how being a parent works. We prepare ourselves for what our children may wish to share with us and tailor our thoughts based on the particular lives of our children.

usual response, no change there then.

Why is it that when you ask TRAs to explain exactly what they mean they always flounce with a 'there's no point'? Is it because the arguments have run out and there's nothing left but all the cards on the floor?

I don't think you have anything to worry about. I can imagine a trans boyfriend being far more empathetic to your daughter than most males. She's just a teenager and still figuring out her sexuality, maybe she isn't completely straight. At any rate, at least there's no possibility of getting pregnant.
I'm gender critical politically but I don't think I'd be too concerned by this... unless the child was proselytising transition to my daughter of course. But you don't raise this as a problem, so hopefully it shouldn't be one.

I think a lot of people are a bit bisexual but have just never fallen for someone of the same sex.

So your dd is most likely bisexual. As for her bf being trans, I would have a problem with someone who unnecessarily altered their body with chemicals, but everyone has their faults.

RedSuitcase
YANBU, I'd be uncomfortable too.

But then I don't think that a teenager is emotionally developed enough to make the decision to change gender. I'll get ripped apart for saying that of course.
.......
Not from me, I agree with you.

Cassian not a TRA here thanks, and no flounce - I even said there's a good discussion to be had.
Just you're not one to have one with and your TRA comment sums up exactly why.

@Rachelover60

@RedSuitcase
YANBU, I'd be uncomfortable too.

But then I don't think that a teenager is emotionally developed enough to make the decision to change gender. I'll get ripped apart for saying that of course.
.......
Not from me, I agree with you.

Same, I totally agree.