My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

[Milicentbystander72]

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

It's like religious tolerance. I can respect the person holding the beliefs, and respect their right to hold those beliefs, while thinking the beliefs themselves are unfounded, and in some cases regressive.

This is my stance too. I would be welcoming of all of my DD’s friends but would be uneasy if their partner was a fundamentalist Christian and I would also be uncomfortable if they were in an intimate relationship with someone who said they were transgender. Both of these ideologies seem to favour deeply regressive gender stereotypes.

I probably wouldn’t say anything but I’d hope that their GC exposure (through me) would be enough that they’d appreciate that there were a multitude of ways of being a woman/girl.

Females who identify as male aren’t always butch or lesbians.

@milliefiori, that was my first thought too. Older boys in the 6th form may be attractive but scary and may expect sex PIV sex. This choice is safer. She can have a 'boyfriend' while not having to deal with a lot of the stuff that comes with it. And also while not having to deal with the homophobia that comes with having a girlfriend. I can see exactly why 'he' could be a clever choice.

nolongersurprised
I think we have a similar approach.

That one would freak me out OP I have to admit. But I'd probably let her get on with it as it will most likely wash over. The teens are all into this stuff now. I still dont quite get how a straight girl can go out with a biological girl and still think shes straight, but its probably all the pansexual bollocks.

Life was simpler when I was young.

I don't really understand what's "weird" about it tbh.

Your daughter has found a person she likes more than a friend. Continue supporting her, regardless. It seems pretty simple, and whether she is gay/straight or bi etc makes no difference.

Maybe she is pansexual and falls in love with the person, regardless of sex/orientation etc.

OP, I reslly wouldn't worry about it. At this age so much is in flux, everything is fluid. Your daughter is dating someone she likes and likely a pretty non-threatening first dating partner.

Maybe she is pansexual and falls in love with the person, regardless of sex/orientation etc

Isnt that bi sexual.

Feeling like you have to accept anyone in any form to be totally inclusive within your sexuality , when dating by its very nature is exclusionary, well it all sounds a bit sinister to me tbh.

Look...this is the world now. Things are changing...constantly. It's just sped up a bit.

Things need to be ironed out still but our children aren't growing up in the same world that we did.

Accept that and help them get through without judgement.

Sarah no...Pansexual is not the same as bi. Pansexuals are attracted to men, women, transmen, transwomen, drag queens...whatever.

Bi is when you like either male or female.

But everyone is male or female .

marshmallow

It’s not the fact the OP’s DD has found someone she wants to have a relationship with. It’s the fact that this person is a girl, but he says he is a boy, and everyone in the school seems to be going along with it. That’s the weird bit.

And I’m using pronouns to be polite. I know he’s not a boy.

But much of this pansexual/bisexual/non-binary stuff is teens experimenting with their identity and discovering who they are. There is nothing wrong with this.
Those of you who are all waa, waa, Evil Trans Ideology, would you really treat a teenage friend of your DC as though they were responsible for everything you disapprove of in trans activism (some of which is nasty, just as some anti-trans feminism is nasty)? Don't you think that making a big deal out of 'People can't change sex so I will refer to you by your prior name and pronouns because that's my belief is both rude and bullying to an individual young person who just happens to be dating your DC? Would you tell your DC's religious partner that you don't believe in their imaginary friend, or a vegan partner that avoiding meat is both attention-seeking and not as environmentally friendly as it is claimed to be?
Even if you are 'right', have the fucking courtesy and grace not to badger and interrogate your DC's friends or partners about their 'choices' when they haven't sought your opinion and don't care about it. The only time you may need to intervene (and even then, it's a matter of supporting your DC rather than sticking your beak in or addressing the other teenager) is when the relationship goes wrong or your DC tells you that the partner is behaving unkindly or unreasonably.

I'm gender critical and don't believe that people can change sex, however I think part of the problem is the constant need to want to put a label on everyone, as demonstrated by this thread ('she must be a lesbian or bi'), especially, as pp have said, at that age. Just let people be in a relationship with whoever they want, why does it need to be labelled in any way?
The fact that a teenage girl feels the need to label themselves as a boy is another symptom of the problem.

sarah
Everyone is biologically male or female

My understanding before this brave new world kicked in was:
Bisexual has always meant someone attracted to men (with man parts) and women (with women parts)

Pansexual to my understanding also includes people who are male to female trans (male parts) and female to male trans (female parts) as well as those who are biological men/women.

Of course in this new world of self ID and denying biology I could be awfully out of date on this.

I think teenagers fancy people in their proximity, and he’s in her proximity. She’s also open minded and probably experimenting. I’d just leave them to it.

However if I were the parent of the transgender boy I’d be uncomfortable, I wouldn’t want my kid to make such a fixed choice so young. Experiment, yes. Fixed choice forever, I’d want them to relax a bit and try out differences rather than say this is it. However if my son was gay I guess I’d be more accepting of his choice younger. Not sure whether that is prejudicial of me or just sensible.

lola
To me it all basically seems a way for men to infiltrate every sexuality. And it worries me that people now feel they have to be open to all of this in order to be inclusive. Who does it benefit?

Well said @ReanimatedSGB

Really, Wotcha. Well, it appears that your and SGB can't tell the difference between conversations between adults on an anonymous online forum and real life conversations with children.

Your daughter may be attracted to trans people. Theres not much you can do but support her the same as any other relationship. When it comes to any concerning behaviour ask yourself if youd feel the same they weren't trans.

Sarah
I think on a social level with MRA/TRA is is part of that. Any coercion is a problem.
The old school bisexual / pansexual makes sense to me because both acknowledge biological sex as a factor in attraction.

In the case of the OP, her daughter is in a safe, happy, consensual teen relationship and that's what matters in that situation.

I'm gender critical, I also think trans ideology is just enforcing archaic stereotypes, but this thread isn't about that.

OP, yes I would find it weird but try not worry, it will most likely fizzle out by itself without any harm done.

The OP hasn’t said she won’t use the child pronouns, or that she is judging her Dd or the other child. She’s just thinking through how to support her daughter.

The OP is asking for advice, not a debate on trans labelling.

There is a growing group on here that will just jump at the chance to type 'biological reality'.