My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

[Milicentbystander72]

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

@Milicentbystander72

YANBU. My cousin's daughter (I will call her Lucy,) dated a transgender (girl to boy) some 10 years ago when she was 17.

Just like you, my cousin is open minded, not bigoted, not racist etc, but she was quite worried when Lucy came home and said she is dating Callum (previously Chloe.) My cousin knew Callum when he was Chloe too, (so still sort of saw him as Chloe.)

Callum was 20, and had his own flat. His parents didn't disown him, but were finding his transition hard to come to terms with. So he left home at 18.

It was a tough time for my cousin, and she sadly alienated her daughter for about 6 months, because she said she was uncomfortable with her being with a transgender person. She told her that life would be very difficult for her, and she is struggling to accept the relationship, and her daughter rarely spoke to her after that. (For about 6 months.)

She went to stay with Callum most weekends, and barely made any contact with home. It broke my cousin's heart because she didn't know what to do.

6 months after announcing she was dating Callum, Lucy came home crying her heart out, and said Callum had ended it, as he was going to university in a town 400 miles away, and they would not be able to continue the relationship. Lucy said she wanted to move with him, and would drop out of college and get a job in his town and live with him in halls. But Callum said 'no, sorry Lucy, it's over...'

I don't know exactly why he ended it, whether it was because of the distance, or because she was too young, or because she was quite needy and possessive (which she was at the time,) or whether he just thought the relationship was no longer working. He gave no valid reason, just that he didn't want to be with anyone.

3 months later, he had pics on facebook of him and another transgender person... male to female!

Maybe he just needed to be with someone the same as him. If that makes sense. Someone else who is transgender is more likely to understand him IYSWIM.

Lucy (10 years on) is now 27, and married with a (male born) man that she has been with for 3 years, and has a baby on the way.

So don't worry OP. It will all be OK. I am 95% convinced your daughter is just going through a phase.

because sexual attraction starts way before you clock each others' privates. And most, though not all of us, know what we are sexually attracted to, and from quite a young age

Well, that's what I meant.
To the OPs daughter, this boy looks like a boy and she considers him to be a boy. If she dates him and doesn't have sex, how is that any different to dating any other boy and not having sex, to her? It isn't really. Genitals make no difference if you're not having sex. So why should she have to redefine herself as not heterosexual.

I don't consider him to be a boy since I don't think you can change biological sex. But saying the daughter is now not heterosexual is bizarre.

also cackling at a self-proclaimed feminist telling another woman to "run along". Brilliant.

I read enough.

But didn’t report any of them? You know MNHQ deletes transphobic posts, don’t you?

cackling?

@CassianAndor Just that teenagers are not reliable adults. There is a culture at the moment of agreeing with trans people that they are the SEX they say they are as well as the gender. A 15 year old cannot be expected to unpick that, when many adults are unable to either.

If somebody wishes to identify as male and adopt male pronouns, they are not doing anybody any harm, and society is also supporting them in their choice. It's unfair to say then that they are a proven liar. They are going through SOMETHING, certainly, and require support either way, but being mean isn't going to help.

I am gender critical, but I also think its needless to come down like a tonne of bricks on a 15 year old child over their gender identity unless they are being coerced by a pressure group or abusive parents. Support them, be there for them and ask WHY they feel the way they do. That's all.

@LolaSmiles mm, like I said there are gender critical feminists on here who are willing to have a reasonable discussion (I disagree with you on both points but I can understand why you feel that way) but unfortunately you're so outnumbered it's just not worth engaging. But I do appreciate and respect you speaking with compassion.

If somebody wishes to identify as male and adopt male pronouns, they are not doing anybody any harm

Yes, it IS harmful. Go over to FWR to read a gazillion threads as to the harm it causes.

And I'm not coming down like a ton of bricks on a 15 year old, I'm discussing things with adults on a forum.

Well said @peachgreen (your 11.57 post) agree with everything you said there.
As for op best she can do is just support her DD and boyfriend, if she's happy that's a good thing surely?
It's their relationship noone else's.

@familyofaliens as in... laughing?

because I'm not a transphobe?

Oh good, thanks for telling us. Most people who also aren't transphobes don't need to go round broadcasting it. Like everyone on this thread who also aren't transphobes. But you are the only one to repeatedly and dramatically try and pretend there is for some bizarre reason.

Like everyone on this thread who also aren't transphobes.

Oh but you are though.

Swordfish, because people, including young people, are attracted to other people’s bodies.

Being attracted to other people’s bodies including their genitalia does not mean you want to have sex.

I think we are getting into a very worrying strain of thought where girls are supposed to be innocent of any actual sexual thought unless they are engaged in penetrative sex.

It is completely normal for a young person to be sexually attracted to other people’s bodies, to be thinking about them, masturbating about them, and not be ready to actually have sex.

There’s a lot of denying of the reality of sexual attraction going on here.

I'm as much a transphobe as you are a feminist.

By which I mean not at all.

I'm as much a transphobe as you are a feminist.

See, we agreed on something at last!

I would not be happy for one of my dc to date someone who required them to lie, pander to their delusion, and pretend that biological reality did not exist.

But you are the only one to repeatedly and dramatically try and pretend there is for some bizarre reason

Cos it's all they have. Name calling.. insults. Accusations.

They wont say what is actually transphobic because when it transpires we are talking about basic biology its them that look the idiot.

So then come the desperate attempted to link to homophobia or asking what they would consider a man who lost their penis in an.accident to be etc

So predictable.

Sure thing peach. Sure thing.

It's like religious tolerance. I can respect the person holding the beliefs, and respect their right to hold those beliefs, while thinking the beliefs themselves are unfounded, and in some cases regressive.

Individual people who identify as trans? Fine. An ideology which tries to turn regressive sexist stereotypes (masculinity, feminity) into a thing, and is also in some of its incarnations deeply homophobic (Google "your genital preferences are transphobic") - well, it's not an ideology I'm buying into.

Furthermore, what grown adults do to themselves by way of body modification - fine. Teens deciding on irreversible medical decisions (cross sex hormones, surgery) - as far from fine as I can possibly conceive of.

For OP's daughter, I wouldn't be too stressed - teen experimentation, fine. For the teen she's in a relationship with - well, is this person being given time and space to explore things before being railroaded down a course to medical intervention? I would be worried shitess about that if I was that teen's parents.

peachgreen
Maybe it takes me back to my own teens when it was entirely normal for teens to experiment with their sexuality, they may happen to like a specific girl but it didn't make them a lesbian for life and so on. Nobody pinned people down and said your sexuality for life is now fixed because you kissed a girl aged 17. A lot of what seems to be going on with teens and self proclaimed pronouns etc has certain parallels to sexuality in my own teens, and just like some teens grew to be gay/lesbian/bi adults, some of todays teens may well be dysphoric and want to undergo full transition. Some won't.

I don't believe you can identify into a sex based category based on feelings and pink/blue brain (I know we will respectfully disagree there ), but if two teens are in a consensual relationship then I'd just support it and see what happens.

I don't believe you can identify into a sex based category based on feelings and pink/blue brain

Well that's what it all comes down to isnt it. And you cant identify with something you cant define. You cant define.it as feelings as no 2 women feel the same . You cant define it as stereotypes because not that many people conform to them.

You need to be able to define what it is you identify as surely?

It doesn't really matter. She's still a kid, she's hardly going to marry him and have children with him. So if it makes you uncomfortable then just ride it out. It will be someone different next week.

What is the difference between a butch lesbian and a female who identifies as male?