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Original poster

To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

252 replies

wherewego · 23/09/2019 13:53

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance Smile

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 21:35

Some of you are absolutely bonkers and over dramatic

Well there's an irony there,,,

Op are you going to now refuse to go to your own child's birthday party so you don't have to meet this woman? And you're now trying to blame your ex for how he approached it? And for some reason you feel he has to ask your permission to bring his own partner?

Do you really feel your behaviour here is all about making sure your child is happy?

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2019 21:37

It’s not about you. What party does your child want? A small gathering or a pool party? Do they want this person they spend time with and get on well at the party?
Stop trying to dictate and start listening to your child.

Lweji · 23/09/2019 21:40

For the time being I have told him that I'm going to do a small family gathering for DD's birthday

And you don't think your DD will miss you at the big party?

You start like this and there will never be a big party or meeting the "other woman" on friendly terms.

Just arrange to meet her before the party for your DD's sake!
And stop making it all about yourself and think of who is important in this. A clue: It's not you.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 21:42

How will you even explain to your child you're not going to her big party? Or are you hoping to get him to cancel it? So she doesn't get one?

Lovemusic33 · 23/09/2019 21:46

Why is doing the party next year going to make it any easier? You have been split up for year, it shouldn’t be a major issue.

I bumped into my ex’s girlfriend today in town, we exchanged a few words, made a couple jokes about ex and then went on our way. She’s nice, the kids like her so I don’t have a issue, if anything I feel sorry for her for getting my cast offs 🤣

LolaSmiles · 23/09/2019 21:48

I don't think posters are being dramatic.

You've been split up for years.
His new partner has been stable for over a year.
Your daughter gets on with his partner

The only drama here comes from you OP as you'd sooner make a big fuss and not attend your child's birthday party than say hi to a woman who has been in your daughter's life for a year.

When she asks why you aren't there what are you going to say? Blame her dad? Blame his partner? Be honest and say "I didn't turn up for your partner because whilst she's dad's long term partner and you like her I decided I didn't want to talk to her"?

There's only one person creating needless drama here and that's you OP I'm afraid. Given you've been split years and in 12 months you've not so much managed a hi, give it another year and there'll be another 12 months to think of reasons why you can't/won't meet her.

Chapellass · 23/09/2019 21:48

Hope your child didn't know about the pool party and is now disappointed. Can't believe how self rather than child centred you have been about this

Figgygal · 23/09/2019 21:50

You're being ridiculous op
Suck it up for your daughters sake

ALoadOfTwaddle · 23/09/2019 21:52

I can see why he's in a relationship and you're the single parent. So immature whining about not meeting whoever and not thinking about your daughters needs

Yes, because only the completely virtuous and uncomplaining can find a partner. If someone is single then that is a sure sign that they must be a horrendous person. Hmm

Original poster
wherewego · 23/09/2019 21:53

The pool party is going ahead. DD is aware that dad and partner will be at the pool party and my side of family will celebrate her birthday on her actual birthday. Of course I don't expect him to cancel my DD's party which she already knows about!!

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/09/2019 21:53

I hope this thread is not real, because I have to feel sorry for your DD. She has one of those mothers that give exs a bad name.
I worry a lot less about her MH regarding any possible multiple girlfriends than in relation to a mother who makes coparenting difficult for no good reason.

Original poster
wherewego · 23/09/2019 21:56

@123chocolate "I can see why he's in a relationship and you're the single parent"
😂😂

Not single so there's that...

OP posts:
ShadowOnTheSun · 23/09/2019 21:59

Seriously not getting this, not getting it at all. I've been in this same situation (as a mum meeting new partner). 'Hi, nice to meet you, how're you doing, glad you could make it, thanks for helping with the kids'. What's a big deal? I could understand, if she'd be the 'other woman', or if there's still love left for ex-husband. But now..

Also, didn't get the comment about the swimsuit at all. She's 'very brave' to be wearing a swimsuit while meeting ex-wife? Supposedly, she has to look her absolute best to appear as gorgeous to the ex as possible? Just wth. Why would she care what another woman thinks of her looks.

However, if OP feels this way and thinks that separate parties are a good idea, then that's also fine, don't see the problem with this. And I don't think the child would too. As long as OP is not badmouthing the new parter to her daughter (which I'm sure she isn't), separate parties are also fine, imo.

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2019 22:00

The pool party is going ahead. DD is aware that dad and partner will be at the pool party and my side of family will celebrate her birthday on her actual birthday.

Yes but is she expecting you to go to her pool party?

Jimdandy · 23/09/2019 22:01

Grow up.

You’re just being jealous and awkward.

Original poster
wherewego · 23/09/2019 22:03

@WorraLiberty no she knows I'm not going and is fine with it.

Just to clarify, my DD has NO IDEA how I feel about meeting partner, I am so positive about partner, my DD speaks freely about her and I always respond positively.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 23/09/2019 22:03

Poor kid. Her mother won’t go to her birthday party. Sad

Original poster
wherewego · 23/09/2019 22:04

@Jimdandy I'm not jealous whatsoever

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/09/2019 22:06

@WorraLiberty no she knows I'm not going and is fine with it.

Just to clarify, my DD has NO IDEA how I feel about meeting partner, I am so positive about partner, my DD speaks freely about her and I always respond positively."

So why does she think you're not going?

Original poster
wherewego · 23/09/2019 22:08

@Ginger1982 she didn't ask, just said we were doing it separately this year. She wasn't bothered in the slightest.

I mean someone saying, "poor kid, her mum won't go to her party" it's so unbelievably dramatic 😂

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 23/09/2019 22:18

So to conclude: another thread where an OP asks for advice and opinions whilst knowing they are totally right in every way and anyone who disagrees is wrong.

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2019 22:18

I don't think it is particularly dramatic to feel a bit sorry for your DD to be honest.

You've said yourself - Maybe I feel a little threatened about how close she is to my DD, if I'm being completely honest. I have a bit of a "she's MY daughter" mentality which I know isn't right.

I think you know your DD would enjoy her party much more if you could just put her first for a few hours.

But it's your decision obviously. Just don't assume she's happy about it because she's said she's ok with it.

As a few PPs have said, these things often come out in later years.

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2019 22:23

I think the dramatic thing is to put your delicate feelings above going to the birthday party of your own child. She may not ask. She may not seem bothered when first told but can’t you have enough empathy to realise why this may upset her?

angell84 · 23/09/2019 22:28

I think it would be best to let them do the swim party for her, and you do a different thing for her

Original poster
wherewego · 23/09/2019 22:29

@LolaSmiles no I don't think I'm completely in the right at all, I understand I should be able to put my feelings aside and meet the woman but I just honestly don't feel like I can at the moment. As I've said, I don't feel ready but I am aware that at some point and for the third time I will say it, sometime next year I will meet her. But posters saying that they feel sorry for my perfectly happy, perfectly cared for DD because I don't feel quite ready to meet partner so therefore am opting out of one birthday party whilst having a celebration of our own when she is with me is quite frankly ridiculous.

Also may I add, two years ago my ex declined to come to a family birthday party I threw for DD as there was a certain family member there of mine he didn't get along with. Never did it ever enter my mind to feel sorry for my DD that her dad wasn't at her party, he was there for the important parts, like opening her presents in the morning, and spending time with her on her special day. Like I will be also.

OP posts:
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