To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

Not getting on with a wider family member is different to refusing to attend a birthday party because you don't feel ready to meet the long term partner of your ex (when you split 4/5 years ago wasn't it?).

You've asked people's feelings and opinions. They have confirmed what you've just said, you should be putting your feelings on one side, dealing with them and doing the right thing.
If you can't deal with your feelings now after you split years ago and his partner has been on the scene over a year and you've already said you're jealous about her being your daughter etc, then in a year's time there is a high likelihood that you'll find another reason not to do it (e.g. Separate worked well last year so we may as well do separate again)

This might be better being one of those Rio a plaster off moments rather than slowly lift it one hair at a time.

Op, rise above the judgemental comments. You've had a good range of opinions and you've come to a resolution that suits both you and your DD. That's all the matters.

She will have a blast and most kids of that age would spent the entire party oblivious of the adults as she will be having so much fun with her friends. And to be fair lots of separated parents would do their own thing three years after going their separate ways anyway!

You say you have no feelings for your ex and that you're not single yourself?

So why don't you feel 'ready'? He's been with her for over a year

@olivetreelane you're right, I feel better with the arrangements the way they are now, ex is happy, partner is happy and DD is happy which is the main thing.

I understand exactly how you feel. I think you should ignore the other advice here and do whatever is comfortable for you. If you aren't ready then you aren't ready

Not single so there's that...

Is your DP involved with DD? Was s/he going to be at the party too? Has your ex met your DP?

@30to50FeralHogs I've only been with my guy for 7 months, he hasn't met DD yet but that will be happening December time so no he wouldn't be going to the party. Ex knows about him but they haven't met.

Ok @wherewego I’ll try to put a different view point on this

When I got together with my DH he had been separated from his ex for 2 years and going through a divorce. He had also had a DC with his ex wife.

DH told the ex about me once we knew we were serious and were moving in together. About a month later I met ex wife for the first time....it was bloody never wracking especially since I was meeting DC for the first time too. All I wanted was for them to like me and think that I was ok. The next time we met was at DC’s birthday party with all the family there which of course included ex’s family.

I am not a shy or reserved person and especially back then when I was much younger I wasn’t usually a nervous person either. On the day of the party I felt about as nervous as you could imagine, and I can tell you that despite everyone including ex wife being perfectly nice and polite to me, I felt totally and utterly like an outsider and the odd one out, I genuinely didn’t know where to put myself.

It was lovely to watch DC be excited opening presents and just enjoying the party. For me seeing the day unfold and watching DC with their Mum I was just totally and utterly in awe of what an awesome little person DH’s ex wife had raised (with DH obvs) and thought to myself that she was clearly a fantastic mother and had a brilliant relationship with her child.

I’m telling you this OP so that you might see that actually the person who will be feeling most awkward and out of place here is your ex’s GF. Whilst I can understand that from your point of view you feel awkward too, and why you might have no desire to meet or interact with her, I think if you consider how she might fee,l it might just give you that extra little bit of power to feel as though you can attend this party for your DD’s sake.

Also if I can make a suggestion, you don’t have to be the one to greet the parents, you can be in the pool with your DD enjoying her birthday with her. I say this because I’m sure one of the things that is putting you off is that your dreading seeing your child in the pool having a brilliant time with the GF (and how that might make you feel - insane with jealousy would be my guess because that’s how I would feel too) and feeling like your stuck on the sidelines doing the boring bits and taking care of everyone else. So I’ll just remind you that it is your DD you can be where you choose to be with your child on her birthday, and if that’s in the pool with her then that’s great, do that, at least you’ll be there and DD will remember you being there having fun with her.

Also if I were you, I’d get meeting the GF out of the way, you don’t have to become best buds with her (me and my DH’s ex certainly never did, but we were also amicable and could have a conversation as and where needed regarding DC) because once you’ve gotten it over with you can stop thinking about it and just move on for yours and DD’s sakes. You’ve got many more birthdays and Christmases and other occasions to contend with in the future and it would be lovely for your child if she could have all the people she’s loves and who love her in the same place at the same time.

I know you’ve taken some flack on this thread but I just want to say that I understand how you feel and I know that being there with your ex and his GF is going to be hard, but don’t let it ruin you spending a lovely day with your DD enjoying her party. FWIW your her Mum, her one and only Mum no one can ever top you or replace you and no matter how much your DD might like the GF, GF will never even come close to you in terms of DD’s affections. I promise DD loves you best always

@Lillygolightly aww that was really lovely, thank you so much. It is interesting to read it from that perspective because I'd never really considered that she may be feeling apprehensive and nervous as well. It's given me something to think about so thank you

Hi,

Have you stopped to think whether she may not have heard great things about you either? Or that meeting you gives her anxiety?

YABU and selfish. Whilst I appreciate your anxiety is genuine (I've been there myself). From experience I'd sooner shit in my hands and clap rather than spend time with someone else's ex. But we do it, and why? Because that's what grown up adults do.

Good suggestions to meet her beforehand though.

It's ignorant and disrespectful of you to brush off their one year relationship as seemingly unimportant. This woman is clearly kind to your daughter and this is how you treat her in return? Shame on you.

I hope this is just nerves coming through in the written form and not the opposite.

You say you’re not ready to put your feeling aside?

What feelings? You were split up for 3 years before he met her? So 4 years ago you split up?
You’re in a relationship too- what is the issue?

And why shouldn't you pay half anyway? Is it not your child also? Seriously woman

You’ve been doing things together up to this point, it’s not a big deal for you to not be at her birthday party but I’m sure it’ll be a big deal for her having to suddenly deal with you and your ex not doing things together for her. Especially when you’re planning on her meeting your partner soon.

That’s a lot of change for a 6 year old who is quite frankly, the innocent one in this situation. Just because you don’t want to meet his girlfriend?

‘Also may I add, two years ago my ex declined to come to a family birthday party I threw for DD as there was a certain family member there of mine he didn't get along with. Never did it ever enter my mind to feel sorry for my DD that her dad wasn't at her party’

^ this is worlds apart in difference. If he actively doesn’t get along with one of your family members it could cause issues for your dd if an argument erupts.
It was her birthday, he put her first and stayed for the important parts and left to reduce tension.

@wherewego you said it and I think you are going to have to do it, adult. It’s hard, there’s lots of emotions but your not meeting her isn’t in your dd’s best interest. Everyone getting along and able to put dd’s needs first, is. So pick yourself up, make a call to your ex and find a time to meet the new gf now, before the party and thank her for help at the party. Your daughter is watching not only what you say but what you do.

DD is happy

Is she really, though?
And was she when her dad didn't go to her party?
Or did she just accept it as another consequence of her parents separated?

When she looks back she will remember both of you not being there because of some whim. Even if she doesn't quite realise it now.

Your welcome @wherewego as well as being a step parent and I also a step child. My stepmother was a bloody monster but even if she had been lovely and fun she could never have competed with my Mum. When your a kid and even as and adult whenever stuff is going down who’s the person you want? Your Mum right? That’s you lovely!!

Just to add, I have a great relationship with my step child, but as great as we are I’m always second best. When they were little if they fell over I would do for comfort in Mum’s absence, but if Mum was there I’m sure you can guess who got chosen.

I now have DC of my own, and with a different perspective as a mother myself I had a whole new appreciation for my DH’s ex. At the time I knew it wouldn’t have been easier for her to meet me, or indeed ask me along to that party, but becoming a mother made me realise just how difficult that must have been for her. I commend her for her strength and dignity. I like to think that should I ever find myself in that position, I too have the strength to behave how she did, and would endeavour to do so.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you have a wonderful birthday with your DD.

I understand exactly how you feel. I think you should ignore the other advice here and do whatever is comfortable for you. If you aren't ready then you aren't ready

Yeah, ignore all the advice about being the bigger person and putting the child first.

Jesus, not wonder so many kids grow up with issues. As long as the adults do what's comfortable for them

10 pages in and you still have not explained what it is you are not "ready" for?

It would only make sense if you were on some sort of path of recovery. But you have been at pains to tell us everything is hunky dory... so, why not be honest and say you just don't want to?

I used to hate pool parties.
At this age the kids will want their own parents in with them not you husband and brother.Many of them can't swim and won't want to hold on to a stranger and will need help changing, showering etc
So if I were you give it a miss and have a second celebration with your family.

I think you have the right for this party to be what you want for your daughter, and you should be able to relax and enjoy it, too. That's not going to happen under these arrangements so you have the right to say you won't be there, and arrange something separately for you and your daughter to enjoy together. Its going to be difficult not to sound churlish, but explain it's your way of dealing with it, and then stick to your guns. Too often we are forced into uncomfortable situations when we have the right to care for our own feelings and not go along with a situation you didn't create or ask for.

Op, can you explain why you aren't "ready" to meet her, and what "feelings you need to put aside"?

You must understand why it looks like jealousy and bitterness, you even try to minimise the relationship in your op, posting like it's temporary, and make it clear you like playing happy couple/families with him.

That's why people are struggling to understand this when you say it's not that you're not over him. What's causing you to behave like this?

Meeting her is absolutely not appropriate at your dds party. The party is about your dd, making sure she’s ok and the guests are ok. It’s not about your ex, his gf or even you. Meeting his DP should be something done in isolation, where you can converse properly and focus on the meet up with no distractions. I too used to find it very stressful having parties for my DCs as I’m not naturally a sociable person and found even meeting parents of the invited DCs nerve wracking, so would be in melt down if I was also having to meet ex’s DP for the first time too. But typical twatty behaviour by ex husbands - forever making everything about themselves. Just tell him you will arrange a meet up with her when it’s convenient for ALL involved, and not when he dictates.

Absolutely agree with jellybean. People are different, and it’s great that some people on here are so socially adept and would organise a party, look their best at meet and greet with guests and parents and also embrace meeting their exes DP. But not all of us are so perfect and we need to adapt situations to make things comfortable for everyone. If the op is stressed at her DPs party due to having this forced on her, it will unsettle her dd.

Your DD has a relationship with this woman and your Ex is helping pay for the party, of course she has a right to be there.

Your feelings are justified, but you need to swallow them and 'woman up' for the sake of your DD.