To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

God I'd be biting her hand off - any extra adult in the water at a pool party is a godsend, honestly.
Rise above OP, smile and wave, grit your teeth and be the bigger person, the better person.

I have been in your position and also in the position of your ex’s new partner, I can’t tell you that she’s probably feeling a lot more anxious about it than you are, she’s going to be the one being stared at by your family/friends, the new woman.

YABU not to want her there, she is now a part of your dd’s life and is your ex’s partner for however long it lasts. You can’t expect him not to involve her with dd.

Your ex proposed getting involved in the party, by paying half. Once you'd agreed, he changed the rules.
I think he's sprung this on you.
But I guess it does mean he wants to involve his partner more officially from now on, so you maybe have to think about how you want to handle it..
it doesn't have to be at this birthday party you are paying half for though...there's more than one way of dealing with this, perhaps you could offer an alterative solution.

Imagine if she was at the door with you welcoming the guests instead of in the water with the children.
If she can keep an eye on the children so that you can relax all the better, wouldn't you think?

Meeting her for the first time at your daughter’s birthday party is not ideal so maybe arrange a brief meeting beforehand. A relationship of a year is quite serious I think and you meeting is almost definitely going to have to happen eventually. Personally I wouldn’t like to think of my children spending a lot of time with someone I hadn’t met. Also, how will her DC feel when they’re told they can’t go anymore...

Mytinydancer

This is exactly the point.

My husbands parents divorced when he was a teenager, years and years of problems and hostility followed , no one had the ability to be in the same room, whether it be for our wedding or our children's christenings, Christmas. Our children our now in their 20s but this issue went on for years.

Only a year and she has a relationship with your dd already?
YANBU, I'd be opting for separate birthdays tbh. You do the party, ask for friends to help and he can choose something else, not a party.
I'd be asking him what happens to dd emotions if they split up before 2 years, very irresponsible of him, she's a gf not a partner.
I wouldn't be happy with this, tell him what she's done in the past and why you don't think she's suitable future step parent material.

Also, I don't think it matters who pays for it.

He should pay half anyway, just because he's one of two parents.

She should be there as his plus one, if nothing else, and because she's also important in the child's life, presumably. Even if you were paying it all, I think you should have invited her too, as any other relative.

Your ex proposed getting involved in the party, by paying half. Once you'd agreed, he changed the rules.

I don't think it's fair to say he changed the rules, I imagine since he and OP have such an amicable relationship and his partner gets on well with his daughter that there would be no issue with her attending the party.

I'd be asking him what happens to dd emotions if they split up before 2 years, very irresponsible of him, she's a gf not a partner.

People separate all the time, regardless of the duration of the relationship. People walk in and out of children's lives for all sorts of reasons.
All this stuff about only meeting after X years is nonsense. The relationship can be solid or not regardless of time.

I'd be asking him what happens to dd emotions if they split up before 2 years, very irresponsible of him, she's a gf not a partner.

Why 2 years? ....what if they split up before 3 years? There is no arbitrary time limit he has to get to before introducing a partner, it's not like it's been 6 weeks.

I would do visualisation techniques in preparation if you're anxious - rehearse meeting her in your mind and feeling calm and confident. This helped me when I was experiencing pangs about running in to my ex and the OW when out and about.

@Drabarni YANBU, I'd be opting for separate birthdays tbh. You do the party, ask for friends to help and he can choose something else, not a party.

I don't understand, OP's ex has planned and arranged the party for his daughter, why should he now 'choose something else' to do while OP goes ahead with his plan? (not that OP has suggested that).

In the nicest possible way OP this isnt about you. While your feelings are your feelings, this is about your dd and what is best for her.and having all the adults in her life at her party will make her feel valued. It will also give her security to see u all getting on. It is a bit immature that u refuse to meet her. Basing your judgments on what some else has said doesnt really paint you in glory, especially as your DD likes her. A year is long enough, in my opinion, and surely what's best for your DD is what is most important. I do understand about how crippling anxiety can be, so it might be worth chatting to your doctor about it and seeing if you can get help to overcome it. But in answer to your question, I do think you are being unreasonable. Sorry

Because he's known this woman for a year, and is risking his dd mh by even introducing them at this stage.
She isn't even a partner and nothing to do with the dd.
I think it stinks how supposedly responsible parents do this to their children.
They fuck up, get with someone else and the poor child comes last in their thoughts, it's disgusting.

"""My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed....this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable ...could she step back and they could do something seperately with DD... he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that."""

The ex didn't plan the party OP did and he has got her to agree to him being involved and paying half and then told her what her role is - she has to greet parents whilst new partner is in the pool. OP has said she is already worried about the party and would prefer not to meet new partner for the first time at the party. He's not listening but dictating.

Because he's known this woman for a year, and is risking his dd mh by even introducing them at this stage.
OTT much?

I think you do need to move on from your avoidance of the new partner- it just makes it awkward for your daughter if there’s tension which could easily be avoided.

I do think you’ve been stitched up a little bit with the pool party- your ex has made all the decisions and given you instructions about your allocated role, while expecting you to pay half. It sounds like Ex and co are planning to just do the fun larking about in the pool, while you’re managing every other element of the party. How many children are going? A pool party for 15 five year olds would be a nightmare!

The ex didn't plan the party OP did and he has got her to agree to him being involved and paying half and then told her what her role is - she has to greet parents whilst new partner is in the pool.

No, the ex planned the party....OP doesn't even want to have a swimming party! Sounds like they've always done parties jointly so he has planned this one, OP has agreed, but now doesn't want to go because his gf is going.

Which is fine.

Why make all this extra angst for yourself? She might be really nice and someone you could reply on to be looking out for your daughter in the future. Don't make enemies, its not worth the agro in the long run. Rise above it, smile and say Hi nice to meet you and then turn and greet the other parents. Your daughter would prefer her party without awkwardness wouldn't she?

She isn't even a partner and nothing to do with the dd.

She is as much of a partner now as she will be in 6 months, a year...

And she IS to do with the little girl because she's her dad's partner and therefore will have regular contact with her.

Also meant to add your DD will have these memories for the rest of her life. While sometimes having seperate parties is unavoidable, in this case I dont thinking should be. What are you going to do if they get married and years down the line you DD has a marriage and has u all at the top table? Are you going to refuse she should be there and put your daughter in that position? You dont have to be friends, but you can be mature and civil. And even if u dont like her so what? You daughter does and that's all that matters as ur not the one in a relationship with her

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

The thing is, you're going to have to meet her at some point if she stays with your ex. And a birthday party would be the perfect opportunity as it will allow you to see as much or as little of her as you choose. If you can't cope with more than a terse 'hello', then you can busy yourself talking to other parents, taking photos, or simply rearranging the presents and party bags for as long as it takes. The alternative is that you meet her when there are far fewer people around (say, at your ex's house) and have a much more intense experience.
Surely you know at least one other adult whose child is going to the party. Can't you just say to them that you are staying on the side to look after all the stuff and would like their company? Then everything doesn't need to be so weird and awkward.

I think you either need to meet her and let her be included in such as this, or accept that future events/present buying etc will be done completely separately because ultimately your exDP will want him and his GF to be as one unit.

If that doesn't bother you that's fine. If you'd like to keep being able to do things together then it's time to welcome her into the fold IMO (I'm speaking as a stepmum who is involved in all birthday parties, and it's great for DSD to have us all together).

She isn't even a partner and nothing to do with the dd.

Did you miss the part where the OP says she spends quite a lot of time with her DD and really likes her?

Those advising 2 separate parties. That would be an unnecessarily poor example to the DD here.

Two adults the DD loves and one she obviously really likes, should be able to put her first for a couple of hours.

It's not a big ask.