To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

I wouldn’t be crazy about the idea of meeting my ex’s new GF whilst I was in a swimming costume. I’d feel too naked and self conscious! But that’s a separate issue

The only reason I think I'd want to meet her is because my child would be in her care and I don't think I could allow someone to take care of my child having never met them. There could be times your ex leaves your dd with her while he runs to the shop or something.

I get why you feel that way.

I actually wanted to meet XP GF at the time and then DW (now split!). They had only been together 3/4 months but I said it would be good for the 2 woman in DS life to meet so she knew about him etc.

(He was useless so I wanted to make sure someone cared for him properly!)

She was actually lovely and totally got she was SM. And was brilliant with ds.

I agree meeting her at birthday isn't best time - but I think she should be there. I like the suggestion of meeting beforehand.

People have different views but mine is the more people ds had/s to love and care for him the richer his life will be.

Meeting the ex's new squeeze isn't on anyone's top 10 list of fun things to do but it's been a year and you need to get on with it. Let your DD have a fun party with everyone there.

My DSD mother was like you - even when DSD explained that she'd like to have a party with everyone she loved there. Her mother didn't care, all she cared about was how she felt, even on her DD's birthday. Sad and pathetic really.

@Drabarni

Surely the biggest issue is that the DC’s parents spilt up. Are you suggesting Dad shouldn’t have a new relationship in case it goes wrong? In that case it’s surely wise people don’t have children at all..? You know in case the spilt up.. you’re placing all the onus on dad and his new partner. DCs have two parents responsible for their well being.

Just meet her quickly some time beforehand then there won't be any awkwardness at the actual party nor any tension between you and ex on the day if she doesn't get to go.

Maybe the point has come to start doing things separately. It is possible they will move in together, get married, have children together. There will come a point where it has to be either accepting her, or alternating Christmas and so on.

It is okay not to be there quite yet, but think about future events like your daughter's graduation or wedding etc. Don't put your daughter in a position of having to choose between you. Her having someone else who loves her or loving another woman doesn't diminish you as her mother or your relationship with her.

Op, you've been split from him for four or five years. If you're over it, you wouldn't have an issue meeting her.

No one is suggesting you're being required to hang about with his partner as a pp weirdly suggested. It's your daughters birthday party, a few hours max. This woman is part of your daughters life, they like each other and she will be possibly filling a long term role in her life. Her being at the party is right, so is it right her father is and you are.

Saying you'd rather pull out of thr party, penalise your daughter, for no reason other than you can't bear to ever meet the woman he loves, smacks of bitterness and jealousy.

You keep saying you're over him, that you aren't still in love with him, but in the next breath make it clear you want it to be just him and you. Anyone he's involved with isn't welcome. I think you need to be honest with youtself at least about what's driving your feelings here.

How long were you together before you split?

If you are over him
Don’t love him
Don’t want him back
She is good with your dd
Dd likes her

Whats the problem?
Unless you are not over him.....

I get it must be really hard.

My dds friend has a lovely stepmum. I think all things considered, her friend could do a lot worse. She does loads with and for the kids. Unfortunately the girls mum struggles with her around and I get it must be really hard.

Partly imo through seeing her parents struggling get along, the girl has self professed anger issues. She doesn’t deal with stress well and feels torn on how to deal with it, I imagine.

The parents do try. But the girls mum is really really hurt and perhaps like you, jealous of stepmum. She’s a few younger, has more energy possibly because she hasn’t had children.

Anger issues in children leads to less resilience, more likely to a be the target of be bullying or become a bully. Anything negative can’t be good and can lead to ostracisation / alienation by other children and parents, poor ability to learn, depression and so on.

I really would be careful what you wish for. This is about your dd, not you. I get you feel railroaded. So now is the time to come up with a plan to meet her and see who she is and what she brings to your dd.

They've been together a year, not five minutes. You need to grow up and accept that he has moved on and is with someone else. You need to do this for the sake of your child. If she's going to be a part of your dd's life, then you need to put aside the feelings that you had and move on.

I do get it OP, but I think you are being very unreasonable. I have two DSD’s and even though I don’t particularly like their mum I am very chatty and friendly and supportive of her for my dsd’s sake. You’re the adult, you need to grow up and act like one.

Honestly, regardless of what I should be doing, I would ducking hate this, to be no, there is no need for he to be at the party!!! Sure she I’ll have a relationship with your daughter, but no on this occasion I would not agree to her being there. Sorry.

Drabarni
I also have a great deal of concern about the impact of separated parents / new relationships and "blended" families on the mental health and well being of the children involved.

But the ex's behaviour in this scenario doesn't worry me (based on the obviously limited information). It is 4 years since the parents separated. The ex has a relationship that is a year old but appears not be in a rush to move in together. Even the OP speaks positively about how her DD feels about the situation.

I think more harm is done to children when their parents form new relationships that move too quickly - to living together etc. Or when the children have to negotiate their place in one or more new family groups. Possibly moving house, sharing their parents with new partner and other children.

I also think the biggest factor regarding the impact of new relationships on the children, is the quality of the relationship between the parent and child.

If the parent continues to fulfill their role with their child(ren) and is sensitive to their needs etc. then their MH is more likely to be safeguarded. An arbitrary period of time such as 2 years before introduction is no guarantee of anything.

In fact I could see how following your stipulation of 'protecting' children by delaying introduction, could equally impact negatively. Finding out that your parent has had a 2 year relationship that had been kept a secret could be very difficult for children. It could leave them wondering what else is happening behind the scenes that they have not been told about, leading to insecurity and anxiety ..

And for the record, I'm not a parent desperately justifying their new relationship. I'm a single parent and have been single for many years but I do have experience of meeting ex's new partner etc. so I do understand the feelings of the OP but not her attitude.

Just do your own party and let them do the pool one.

Just do your own party and let them do the pool one

So her friends have to go to two parties, bring two sets of presents? How does she explain that? How does the op? Mummy doesn't want to meet daddy's partner so isn't coming to your pool party but will have a second one? Are both parents never to be at their daughters birthday parties together again, or his partner has to always be excluded?

That's ridiculous. Much easier for the op just to suck it up for a couple of hours for her daughters sake.

It's been four years. She needs to move on.

Nah I wouldn't have that either. Why should you been made to feel uncomfortable at your own daughters party, she should have some respect and step back for this

So her friends have to go to two parties, bring two sets of presents?

Or she just does a little one for her side of the family.

Unless you have beef with the new gf (e.g. she was the OW) I think YABU.

Or she just does a little one for her side of the family
So then there's room for drama deciding who is going to do the big party and who does the smaller one.
I'm guessing dad should be chipping in to the big party regardless of who does it because anything else would make him a dick, (and cover his own small one if mum does the big one) but mum would never have to chip in to dad's hosting because he has a new girlfriend and she has her own small party to cover. Predicting the MN double standard that comes out on these things.

How long does this go on for? Child has music/sport events or competitions and OP won't go to anything unless ex attends alone? OP doesn't want to meet the partner but now it's 5 years down the line in secondary school and it's getting awkward. Child can't have a family 18th because mum refuses to entertain the idea of being civil to a woman who has played a major role in her child's life? Wedding politics over family on hen do because child might want mum and step mum on the hen events, but OP can't bring herself to be an adult so the child then has to choose?

They've been over for years. His new partner is stable and a positive influence. Considering how anti step mum here can be, it's quite telling that the consensus here is that the child's needs come before adult sulking.

I think that refusing/ giving him an ultimatum would be a really bad idea.

It’s been a year.

Remember you will have a partner one day too and you will likely want them involved in celebrations.

Jesus Christ - your poor daughter. Caught in the middle of this 4 fucking years on!!!

Some of you are absolutely bonkers and over dramatic - I am in no way harming my child and that is laughable to previous posters who have made such ludicrous suggestions. Mental.

I think many of you missed the update where I said I would meet her and expect that to happen sometime next year but for the moment I don't feel comfortable or feel it necessary to do so.

I said to my ex today that maybe had he approached the situation differently I would have reacted differently, maybe asked me if I would be alright with partner coming rather than just telling me she was coming, she is going in the pool and I am greeting the parents.

For the time being I have told him that I'm going to do a small family gathering for DD's birthday and next year I will do the big party by which point I will have met her and I will feel more comfortable with the situation, we will also all be fully clothed

I'm aware that we all have different opinions on mumsnet and I came and asked for them all but some posters on here are so completely rude, there's just no need for it and I doubt you would say this to someone in real life. It really frustrates me.

OP, throughout all of this you haven't once mentioned (apologies if I missed it) what your daughter wants?

What does she want? Has she said?

I can see why he's in a relationship and you're the single parent. So immature whining about not meeting whoever and not thinking about your daughters needs. Yabu.