To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

I understand you feeling awkward about this, it’s only natural, but that’s life! You have clearly been split up a while, you mostly get on, his girlfriend isn’t ‘the other woman’, they have been together for a decent amount of time, your daughter likes her..... meeting the new partner doesn’t really get any easier than this. Things could really be so much worse. I think for your daughters sake that you need to try and keep things as good as possible. If you don’t meet her now, then this could damage any chance of a good relationship going forward, and that is only going to hurt your daughter.

I get you don't want to meet her ever but no offense, it isn't about you.

If she does stay with your ex, possibly marries him etc... She is going to be a big part of your daughter's life. You can put your fingers in your ears all you like but you can't ignore her existence forever.

I don't actually think it's a huge problem her coming but I can understand your feelings about it too. Although at the end of the day, if he is contributing to the party, he should also get a say in who attends it.

If your daughter likes her I'd try really hard to put aside your feelings and meet this woman. For your child's sake, not yours or your exes.

The issue is I just don't want to meet her full stop Which is very selfish and going to cause problems for your daughter. You need to put her first and act like an adult..

Think about how you would want your ex to react when you get a new partner.

I think it’s fine to do what you are proposing. However you really need to investigate why you are so against this new relationship. Is it because you haven’t found a new relationship yet so feel uncomfortable? Do you still have feelings for him? Is it solely her relationship with your daughter?

I think working through your own feelings will help you deal with her in the future.

The issue is I just don't want to meet her full stop 😬. I know it's bad and very immature of me but I just really have no desire to meet her, before or at the party.

Yeah, YABU about this.

re the party - as he is paying half he does have some say, so I agree with you that you could step back and let him pay for it all and it be "his party" for DD and you do something else.

Re moving forward, are you still in love with him? Have you had any counselling? I can't think of any other reason why you would feel this way unless she was OW which I am guessing you would have mentioned rather than drop a massive and not credible drip feed.

What would you do if DD said she wanted her at an event? Party/graduation/wedding?

I think you need to unpick your feelings and own them and then do something about it so it doesn't impact your DD.

Do you have a new DP?

Cross post with sheshoots

In view of the update, I agree that you are being very selfish.

If you are sharing expenses for this party, yes you have to suck it up. In future I wouldn't do the sharing thing at all - have your own party and he can have his.

It’s not about you. It’s not your birthday. Yes you are being unreasonable.

Are you still in love with your ex? Not trying to be toast just trying to understand your reasons. I can see why it’s awkward for you but how may you feel if you had a partner who your daughter liked and your ex wanted to exclude them. It’s for your daughter you may have to put your feelings aside on this one.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

Yep I think you should do this.

It sounds like your situation with your ex - doing everything jointly etc - has worked fine but now needs to adapt and develop as he is with a new partner. Therefore separate parties is a great idea.

My DP has 2 children and we always do our own thing with them and DP's family on his weekend with them, and they have a celebration with their mum another day. It works for everyone and nobody feels uncomfortable.

Goady* not toast sorry!

If you dont like it i think you have to have a party and he has a party.

As an aside, there is no way I would have let my 6yo go to a swimming party...

Was she the OW? If not I don't really think you have a leg to stand on. If she and XDP stay together you'd be doing yourself and , more importantly, DD a big favour by getting off on a civil footing.

Emotions aside - which understandably is very difficult for most of us.

Achieving an amicable and relaxed atmosphere between all parties can take huge amount of pressure of the child, but not an easy goal to reach with so many other factors at play.

Finding the right moment for you to move towards that could be a positive decision, but your DD's party is probably too much pressure for such an introduction.

Go with your instincts and keep an open mind for the future.

You sound ridiculous. So DD won't ever be able to see the adults that care for her getting on and being mature?
You're one of those ex wives.

I know it's bad and very immature of me Yep! And you know it is! Which should give you some idea / hope that this will, eventually, pass and you and your ex can parent like proper adults.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It is probably a lot to get your head and heart around. But YOU have to decide how you want thois to develop

Joint parenting
Separate parenting

As YOU are the one with the immediate problem YOU have to make that decision, and then tell your ex how you want it to be going forward.

But before you make that decision... take a step back... why do you feel that way? What effect will it have on your DD? What effect, long term, will it have on your relationship with you, your ex and your DD?

Can you get over it and lose that somewhat childish, unreasonable dislike of her/the situation?

No she wasn't the other woman, they got together about 3 years after we split so nothing like that.

No I'm 100 percent not in love with ex whatsoever, it's not jealousy about them being together. Maybe I feel a little threatened about how close she is to my DD, if I'm being completely honest. I have a bit of a "she's MY daughter" mentality which I know isn't right. And she ripped off my best friend more than a few times when they lived together so I think that has clouded my judgement although I know people can change over time.

I agree with PP who said swimming party is a silly idea for 5/6 year olds. It was exes idea and I have expressed I think they're a bit young but he disagrees and I can't be bothered arguing.

I can see mostly all think I am being unreasonable so I will take that on board.

You need to meet her because it looks like she will be coparenting with you and your Ex, possibly for a long time to come.

Perhaps the way forward is to get some help with your anxiety which might help you cope better overall and then meeting her may not feel like such a burden.

@Okurrrrrrrr no eventually I will meet her, I just don't feel ready to do so at the moment and I honestly don't see it happening this year. Probably next year.

I'm not an "ex wife" and I've caused no hassle for them whatsoever and my DD is unaware of any uncomfortableness that I may feel. I am always very positive when she speaks about partner.

You have judged her before you even met her.
Pre-judged. That means prejudice.
You don't have to like her, or be good friends. You just have to be civil and polite for the sake of your daughter as she is (like it or not) a significant person in her life.
I'm sure you won't like her, as you have already decided that, but she might not actually be that bad. People do change as they mature, she could have done.
Have you moved on and got a partner? You don't give that impression.

I do understand why you feel how you do, but being able to be in the same room and be civil will be beneficial to your daughter.

She's part of your daughters life, she likes her, she treats her well, putting your daughter in a position where she may feel like you'll either not go or her dads partner won't go has potential to make her anxious about other events in her lif if they stay together long term.

I couldn't do a church wedding because my Dad hated my stepdad and refused to be anywhere near him. If I had a wedding I one hundred percent would have been expected not to have my stepdad there which I'd never do because I lived with him for most of my life, but at the same time I'd have looked like a cunt to everyone if my dad wasn't there. We just fucked off to a registry office.

I'd say to try and meet her for your daughters sake.

Ignore @NameChangeNugget

Surely you should put your feelings aside for the child?

So his girlfriend is going to get in her swim suit and have fun splashing in the water while who explain to the other parents who the fuck that is?

No, don’t pay half. Don’t be there.

He can pay for the entire thing if his girlfriend is going to take centre stage. Seems like they’ve already discussed it amongst themselves.

Ask your DD if she would like her there. If yes then I think you’ll have to go with it.
Anyway you can avoid her until she is in the water and then do a polite wave and leave it at that?!
Agree it’s best to try and get off to a good start with her.

The issue is I just don't want to meet her full stop 😬. I know it's bad and very immature of me but I just really have no desire to meet her, before or at the party.

I don't think it matters that you'd prefer not to meet her, that's fine. There's no need at all, as long as you can say a civil hello if/when you ever do cross paths.

Issues will only arise if you try to get your ex to exclude her from things to spare your feelings - that's not right and he's unlikely to agree. Your idea of separate birthday celebrations is a great one and avoids all awkwardness.

Perhaps you could alternate which one of you organises and pays for your daughter's party each year? Then there will be no issues over the money side either.